In-Law Vent

[Mouse House Mama]

See, I look it at a different way

Life is too short to be treated in a manner that you are not comfortable with over and over again.

I don't allow it. Life is too short

Come on! What is so uncomfortable about being asked to make a phone call? This is clearly a power struggle and nothing more. Neither one wants to give in to let the other person "win".

 

[hentob]

Come on! What is so uncomfortable about being asked to make a phone call? This is clearly a power struggle and nothing more.

I don't do power struggles. They make me uncomfortable. I don't play games. I tell people when I feel they are trying to control me. Telling me how and when to thank you for a gift would not be acceptable.

YMMV

 

[kaytieeldr]

This is the way she is, and we are like..we will call, and do it..but our time table not hers. DS will call today. He will come home from school, have snack, and before I let him play with his new toy he will call his ggm, and then his g-dmother for their gifts.

Respectfully, since you know all this - and how your son would react on his birthday, especially that he would not 'settle down' all day/night - could you have been proactive and responded that he would call after school the next day?

But..I don't have to think about it until next year when he is 9, or if she is still around!!

Demanding or not, personality issues aside, and excuse the morbidity - you never know. Had she died Thursday night, sure, you would have escaped all the drama - and she never would have been thanked for her gift.

And now..it would have taken more then 2 minutes. From the time he got hsi card, I was busy

Couldn't one, out of ALL those other adults, helped - either assist him with the phone call, or do some of the other fifteen other things you were handling?

And yes..the demands of this women does frustrate me, since it is always something with her. I am entitled to me feelings and won't apologize for them.

Respectfully, could you please clarify "always"? How much contact - direct or indirect - do you have with this woman in a year? Not other peoples's stories of her, but how frequently does her life intersect/interfere with yours?

 

[kaytieeldr]

I have a different spin on it. Yes, it is annoying having people tell you when and how you should call etc. However, would it really have been a big deal to take 2 minutes that night and make the call? The child in question is 8. I would think you could just simply say "Let's give grandma a quick call so you can tell her you like her gift. I bet she would love to hear that." No meltdowns etc. It would literally have taken 2 minutes.

I was thinking the same thing. It appears (and I could be wrong) he could have called after dinner but before starting to play with whatever that gift was that took him from dinner to beyond bedtime.

OP, I'm with you! I would not remove my child from his birthday party to have him make a thank you call. I would simply say "we'll call her and thank her" - which is what you did. There is absolutely NO WAY that calling less than 24 hours after receiving a gift could be seen as rude. PERIOD!

Even more effective might have been, "Really, I don't see that we'll have time for that call tonight; he'll phone her as soon as he gets home from school tomorrow". 'Later' is ambiguous. To the OP it obviously would mean Friday afternoon; to the FIL and his mother, it could have been taken as 9 PM.

I really have no use for people like that. My children write thank you cards. Always. But, to demand a thank you is crazy.

Sure - but how has 'thank you' been handled in the past? Heck, maybe she didn't trust her own kid to transfer the gift, and just wanted to make sure the OP's son got it!

You are continuing to ignore what we are saying. How can you read one part of a sentence, but ignore the other half of the words? No - a phone call is not a major string.

Several posters disagree with you, and have in fact, used the term 'major strings'. Ah, okay - I see Mouse House Mama has quoted the posts/posters where this phrase was invoked

Minutes after receiving a gift? Calling during a party? Not waiting for a thank you note in the mail?

After the party, just before playing with any gifts - not unreasonable. Very likely whoever gave the OP's son the transformer as a gift WAS thanked immediately. And, given that the gift-giver is a great-grandmother - who's to say she'd be around to receive a thank you note? I mean, I'm sure she will - but she's apparently somewhat elderly...

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don't do power struggles. They make me uncomfortable. I don't play games. I tell people when I feel they are trying to control me. Telling me how and when to thank you for a gift would not be acceptable.

YMMV

That's fair but let me ask you a question. Is everything black and white or are there some gray areas? I don't do power struggles either so I would have just called and not made it into one. The thank you demander here is an elderly woman. Aren't there any older people in your family that you just roll your eyes about and accomodate their simple but annoying requests sometimes? Would you really start a fight over something simple like a phone call? It sounds like the inlaws were just trying to avoid an annoying phone call themselves. If you like your inlaws wouldn't you just make the call to make their life a little easier? Yes, everyone knows this person is a pain in the butt. Yes, they probably all think she is being ridiculous. BUT- they just do little things like this to placate her so they can have peace. Small price to pay I would think.
I respect your opinion and I understand where you are coming from. I too refuse to engage in nonsense but sometimes it is just easier than making everything into a fight. Some people are incapable of change. It's not like the woman is completely disrespectful and rude to the family. She just has some odd quirks.

 

[luvsJack]

What everyone should remember is this: you cannot change how someone acts, only the way in which you react.

If someone has gotten to be a great-grandma, chances are she is not going to change. She is old and set in her ways. She expects to be respected. And she deserves to be thought of as more than an inconvenience. She wants to know that her great-grandchild respects her and loves her and appreciates what she has done.

I probably missed this answer, but what was the reason that the great-grandma wasn't there to give her gift herself? Maybe she misses being at such events and asking for an immediate phone call is her way of feeling like she is there.

She is not going to change in that she expects a phone call and gets angry if she doesn't get one. The OP can change the results of the event by reacting differently and making sure the call is made. It would have taken just a minute or two. Family is too important to worry about such things.

 

[Bluestars]

If my son's grandmother wanted a thank you call the same night he received a gift, then I would have him call. I do not think that is a major string attached to the gift. It would also help teach my son good manners. I don't see this as being a big deal at all.

So the grandmother wanted to be thanked the same night. Not a big deal. A phone call takes a few minutes and he had hours to get that done. What's wrong with being kind to the grandmother and making the call? People get angry at the strangest things. I save my anger for things that really matter.

 

[Skywalker]

If there was time for cake and transformers and other fun, there was time to make a phone call. It is not as if the great-grandmother demanded you leave the party and drive your son across town to kiss her feet or anything. It was a phone call.

If he had time to open the gift then he had time to thank her. You should not treat the gift part as okay and the thanking part as an inconvenience.

Maybe she is a little demanding but she is the great grandmother and many of us make allowances for older generation family members. It just is not a big deal, unless you are trying to turn you son into a pawn in your control issues with her.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

If there was time for cake and transformers and other fun, there was time to make a phone call. It is not as if the great-grandmother demanded you leave the party and drive your son across town to kiss her feet or anything. It was a phone call.

If he had time to open the gift then he had time to thank her. You should not treat the gift part as okay and the thanking part as an inconvenience.

Maybe she is a little demanding but she is the great grandmother and many of us make allowances for older generation family members. It just is not a big deal, unless you are trying to turn you son into a pawn in your control issues with her.

ITA!!!

I still think its a power struggle between the OP and the greatgrandmother. Its sad really! And as I did state previously too, since the woman is old, bend a little . its not like its a 2 yo we're talking about, its an 8 yo for crying out loud. Old enough to be able to calm down and make a phone call without a major production.

The OP just wants something to complain about and when the g-grandmother doesn't send a gift next year because she didn't get a thank you, she'll be on here "venting" again.

 

[disykat]

Several posters disagree with you, and have in fact, used the term 'major strings'. Ah, okay - I see Mouse House Mama has quoted the posts/posters where this phrase was invoked

Again, quoting part of what they say and ignoring the rest. Yes, the term major strings was invoked. I have used those words several times myself and been quoted doing so. However, what I said was that no one said it was major strings to expect a phone call. It was the TIMING of expecting an immediate phone call that was considered major strings. (I put that in bold hoping you might see them, but I'm sure they'll be ignored once again.)

I'm surprised you quoted me and did EXACTLY what I was pointing out - only reading a few words and ignoring the intent.

 

[Bluestars]

Again, quoting part of what they say and ignoring the rest. Yes, the term major strings was invoked. I have used those words several times myself and been quoted doing so. However, what I said was that no one said it was major strings to expect a phone call. It was the TIMING of expecting an immediate phone call that was considered major strings. (I put that in bold hoping you might see them, but I'm sure they'll be ignored once again.)

I'm surprised you quoted me and did EXACTLY what I was pointing out - only reading a few words and ignoring the intent.

According to the OP, they wanted a phone call sometime that night, not immediately after opening the present. Sometime that night would probably be at least a 4 hour period.

 

[NAB]

According to the OP, they wanted a phone call sometime that night, not immediately after opening the present. Sometime that night would probably be at least a 4 hour period.

This is what I was about to post. It is other posters are saying that they should have done it immediately and got it out of the way.

And I agree with this since they know this happens all the time. Even the Grandparents knew and that is why they asked her to do this. Question is did she tell the FIL yes they would call later when they said this?

I tell you birthdays are over rated anyway....especially for the ones that say it is the boys birthday he shouldn't have to stop playing etc. People are nice enough to give him a nice birthday he can be thankful and have a few minutes with them too.

 

[Skywalker]

....especially for the ones that say it is the boys birthday he shouldn't have to stop playing etc. People are nice enough to give him a nice birthday he can be thankful and have a few minutes with them too.

I agree. Birthday or no birthday, you can still use it as a time to teach your children about kindness, manners, and graciousness. I don't agree with all of this "you can do whatever you want on your special day and to heck with everyone else" stuff. Unless you are trying to raise a future "groom-zilla", lol.

 

[alexandria674]

I agree. Birthday or no birthday, you can still use it as a time to teach your children about kindness, manners, and graciousness. I don't agree with all of this "you can do whatever you want on your special day and to heck with everyone else" stuff. Unless you are trying to raise a future "groom-zilla", lol.

ITA

 

[ols386]

See, I look it at a different way

Life is too short to be treated in a manner that you are not comfortable with over and over again.

I don't allow it. Life is too short

Then if the op feels that uncomfortable about the way she or her child is being treated by the ggm or whomever, then she needs to cut off her relationship with them.....plain and simple.

 

[disykat]

Sorry, I consider expecting a call within hours in this context to be pretty "immediate." Obviously others disagree.

I still don't get the big bruhaha. The OP vented. I would have been irritated too - because I think thanking within 24 hours of receiving a present is fine. She didn't say it was the end of the world as she knows it. People are acting like those of us who agree with her that it was unreasonable to be "in trouble" for this are the devil incarnate.

 

[hentob]

Sorry, I consider expecting a call within hours in this context to be pretty "immediate." Obviously others disagree.

I don't disagree.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Geez people..all I wanted to do was vent!! Yes it was a little thing, but it wasn't the first time, and wont be the last..I am allowed to be frustrated! Sorry you guys took it to a whole new level!!

Just an FYI, for those that said DS had hours to make the call, he didn't. From the time we got back into the house, 6 ish, there was dinner..time with grandparents..opening the card from his grandparents.. and fyi saying..wow...I got more then last year..he did show his appreciation. Settling down doing the cake...eating...saying goodbye to his GM, GP and Uncle. Getting him back down to sit eating.. dessert.. pj's (never got him into those). And since his bedtime is 8PM...that doesnt leave lots of time at all. It took me over 1/2 hour to finally get him into bed. And considering his frame of mind and how he was feeling before bed, i wasn't having him make a phone call. And yes, playtime with his big brother, who he doesnt' see much anymore was more important then a phone call too!

I have been a mom for 26 years, and have 4 very polite children. I have been complimented time and time again on how nice and mannered my kids are. They are very gracious and appreciative of all the gifts they receive. DS received a reward present for an excellent report card this weekend, and we are still being thanked!! When he called his ggm on Friday, after being home about 10 mintues, he told her how much he cared and appreciated it.

As to why she wasnt there (and I have no idea why this matters), she was at her home in another state. When she is in my city my kids do visit her.

To the poster that said I should cut off the relationship to the ggm. OMG..talk about blowing things out of proportion. I wouldn't do that to ggm or to my kids!! It also wouldn't be my place to say..it would be DH's to say, since it is his family.

This women is very elderly (but sharp as a whip), and controlling as heck. So are my in-laws as a matter of fact. After 15 years I deal with them, and they don't control me. I pick my battles..and we go along our way. I have given in to family requests time and time again...sometimes it isn't worth the battle, it depends on what is going on. Having him call her that night was not that important. At no point did we say yes to the in-laws that DS would call that night. If he had been feeling well before bed time, he would have made the call. As the evening unfolded there wasn't time. As I have said before, once DS's meds have worn off, it is down hill. And yes, my son would/could have had a meltdown considering the day he had, and I wasn't going to ruin his birthday by it.

If you feel I am wrong and rude...oh well. I have been called worse!

Bottom line is I love my kids and THEIR NEEDS come first. If my in-laws can't deal with that...oh well.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Eh- don't sweat us, we're Dissers, we love a good debate..uh exchange of ideas I mean

 

[HighClass]

MY adult kids now email their grannies thank you notes and grannies both tell me how much appreciate that-they only send cards, no money , as both are very poor.


A thank you within a few days is fine. TO expect a call within hours of a child's ecited birthday party is RIDICULOUS!