In-Law Vent

[LuluLovesDisney]

hey duck, do you ever NOT complain?

There were no complaints in that quote you posted. However, you did prove more about who you really are than you might realize by that post. Do you really need to go through this trouble?

To the OP-

I'm sorry that your in laws were so inconsiderate. Do they have other grandkids? I'm just trying to figure out why they might have done this.

If you need to hash it out with your MIL for her antics, just do so while the kids are out of earshot. Is it more MIL or is it both?

Although kids' parties might not be the highlight of other people's lives, I have to admit that I enjoy my young nephews' parties. I even dressed as a pirate and hand painted a pirate chest and filled it with presents for my nephew's party last spring. Whatever the theme, Aunt Lulu will play along. Just to see the smile on their faces. Just to hear six months later "Lulu, do you benember when . . . " Just to know I helped give them a good memory. It sounds like you're a perfectionist like me. I know it bothers me when other people don't seem to want to try to do the right thing.

Not everyone is like we are. Some people just don't think the same way. I remember how exciting birthdays were as a child and I want my loved ones to feel that excitement of their very own special day.Part of that excitement is that your whole family comes over just for you. I am sure you wanted that for your DD as well. I'm sure her birthday was wonderful, even if it wasn't perfect.

You can't control people's choices unfortunately. Just make sure that your DD knows that people express love in different ways. I'm sure her grandparents do love her, even if they made a selfish choice. Selfish and inconsiderate people can still love us, you know? It's actually an important thing to accept in life- that people that love us can do things that upset us sometimes. If they're just flaky or inconsiderate, and not really mean or harmful, or malevolent people, it might be better to bite your tongue and keep them in your children's lives rather than alienate them. I don't think that their choice was considerate or what most grandparents would have done, but I do know you can't change people. It's better to have imperfect people in their lives than not at all, you know?

My mom (6 grandkids) always asks about the "other" grandmother of 2 of her grandsons (my nephews) - "How could she do that?" because the "other" GM only sees them maybe once or twice a year, and now even less. She moved to Florida. Even when the kids see her, she buys them expensive things and ignores them most of the time. Everyone is different.

All you can do is your best. Good luck! And if your DD can name all the princesses at age 2, you're doing a FANTASTIC job!

 

[kristen821]

Wow this thread turned nasty! I don't think the op is mad that the in-laws missed this one party. I think this was just the final straw and the in-laws probably do this kind of thing all the time.
Maybe the in-laws aren't comfortable at parties or maybe they have a gambling problem.
To the op: Don't worry about the in-laws at least your child has great parents and a great set of grandparents, not every child gets that. My children are the center of my parents universe and they know it, but my mil is a whole other story. She has only seen my dd 2 times and my ds a few more times then that. My kids don't even notice that she isn't there for them they can care less and your children won't care either. Just don't depend on your in-laws to ever show up so your children won't ever be disappointed.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh but they DO! If we don't make an "event" of MIL's birthday, she will flip out! She guilt-trips her boys (my DH and his brother) and puts all these expectations on them - giving nothing in return. I told DH that I may not be able to hold my tongue much longer. 9 years is pretty good, huh?

No, no, no....
I keep posting hoping you will understand this. Your DH and his brother had to GROW UP with her "shenanigins".
One of the most wonderful things about starting a life and family with someone is that YOU can give your DH a different life.
Instead of getting upset, mad, and "telling your DH about holding your tongue" ....do the OPPOSITE!

When the IL's pull the b-day thing, give him a HUG...heal his wounds. He has to feel awful, right?
When they are a no-show for a kid's b-day, instead of ranting to HIM, say I am sorry your mom & dad could not be here and give him a hug. Feel compassion for your DH instead of rage at the IL's. Change the emotional direction.

I don't know if you understand me or not. I just feel bad for your dh. His parents sound like they have issues and I hope you can help him through it.

 

[Christine]

I don't think that the thread has turned nasty so much as that the OP went about making assumptions regarding people who disagreed with her.

OP, I think I said in my first post to you that it could be that your ILs just don't think a party is important but I think I also made a caveat that they could indeed just be selfish. Frankly, we all don't know enough about your and your relationship with your ILs to really know if it's true or not. In further reading through this thread, quite honestly, your ILs sound like monsters!! They do sound selfish and I can understand how you feel.

I think others were just trying to show another "take" on the issue of birthday parties--some people just don't find them to be the big deal that the parents do--and that's okay.

If there is one thing that I am learning through my many months of anxiety counseling (hey, it's got to be worth something) is that people hold very different core beliefs. It's great when you can get with people that hold your same core beliefs but watch out if you don't. A big core belief is "family time" and how it should be spent and how important those times are. Bottom line is that some people find family events to be must-do's, obligations, and everyone should love to be there and other people find them to be nice but not mandatory. Neither belief is wrong AT ALL. But it is wrong when one person tries to force their belief on another.

When you first posted, I thought "well, she may be correct, her in-laws may be horribly selfish, but what if they are not?" There is always 2 sides to the story and I just think that some people were trying to show you that your ILs may not be totally out of line.

Upon further clarification, it sounds as if they are selfish. Some other posters gave great advice on how to deal with it. It is your IL's loss, not yours or your childs. Just lower your expectations of them and you will probably feel better.

 

[wilderness01]

Saphire wrote:

Wow, some posters are being harsh here. It seems pretty simple to me. The grandparents didn't want to attend their grand-daughter's second birthday party. As a parent, that hurts. Period. I see nothing wrong with being upset.

All the other details are up for grabs. IMO, the fact that they don't work and couldn't make it because they were going to a casino is pretty sad. I mean, it's not because they were busy with real-life commitments pulling at them. I hope when I am a grandmother that my 2 year old grand-daughter's party will be the highlight of my week. To me, that's where the real stuff of life is happening.

Great post!

To the OP: sorry your feelings were hurt. I am more sorry for your DH. Give him a hug and move on. It is their loss, period. Be glad she has your parents. She will end up closer to them in the end. Have a great trip with lasting memories.

P.S. I have been there and done that with my in laws. The end result is that our kids barely know them. They can thank themselves for this. Life has a funny way of working itself out without any intervention.......you get what you give is a great phrase. Have a safe trip.

 

[DVC Sadie]

No, no, no....
I keep posting hoping you will understand this. Your DH and his brother had to GROW UP with her "shenanigins".
One of the most wonderful things about starting a life and family with someone is that YOU can give your DH a different life.
Instead of getting upset, mad, and "telling your DH about holding your tongue" ....do the OPPOSITE!

When the IL's pull the b-day thing, give him a HUG...heal his wounds. He has to feel awful, right?
When they are a no-show for a kid's b-day, instead of ranting to HIM, say I am sorry your mom & dad could not be here and give him a hug. Feel compassion for your DH instead of rage at the IL's. Change the emotional direction.

I don't know if you understand me or not. I just feel bad for your dh. His parents sound like they have issues and I hope you can help him through it.

Great post! I use to charge money for saying the same thing.

No one can change another persons behavior but we can redirect our emotions and reactions to the "behavior".

 

[scanne]

I keep posting hoping you will understand this. Your DH and his brother had to GROW UP with her "shenanigins".

I totally get what you are saying - and it makes a whole lot of sense! I never really looked at it from DH's perspective - a little selfish of me, huh? Your advice is wonderful and the next time my in-laws do something that makes me angry and hurts DH, I will remember your words and offer hugs and kisses instead of nasty comments about his parents. (I'll save the nasty comments about them to share with my DIS family ).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I totally get what you are saying - and it makes a whole lot of sense! I never really looked at it from DH's perspective - a little selfish of me, huh? Your advice is wonderful and the next time my in-laws do something that makes me angry and hurts DH, I will remember your words and offer hugs and kisses instead of nasty comments about his parents. (I'll save the nasty comments about them to share with my DIS family ).

Yea!!! Now it doesn't mean you are not going to be hurt and angry. You will be upset!
The idea is to "heal your dh" and what grows from that is something very wonderful. You will be surprised.

 

[grlpwrd]

lovmy2girls, the voice of reason!

OP, I do think you need to take that advice about how to relate to your ILs. GL to you!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Great post! I use to charge money for saying the same thing.

No one can change another persons behavior but we can redirect our emotions and reactions to the "behavior".

I just wanted to add that this advice works well on teenagers too!
My 15yo starts the complaining...I run her down to hug her...hehehehhehe....