"I'm not trying to be mean but...."

[jenm2878]

I'm guilty of telling my mom, 'now I don't mean this to sound as mean as it's going to come out' because she'll push and push you to be honest about something, but doesn't actually want to hear the truth. This is only after she's asked my opinion and will not accept my answer as being 'entirely honest.'

I don't want to hurt my mom, but what am I supposed to tell her when she keeps pushing but doesn't actually want the truth? Maybe it would be kinder to lie. Who knows.

 

[metime]

I'm not sure I understand what the difference is between online and real life?

Unless someone is asking for opinions, sometimes a vent is just a vent and the poster is just looking for a little sympathy. It just seems like these days people equate "being honest" with bludgeoning (sp?) someone with a negative opinion. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar as the old saying goes.....

If someone is that sensative then why would they put their story, vent, or whatever else out on the world wide web.

It doesn't matter who you are or what you are saying if you put it out there you do not get to dictate everyone's response. Thank goodness for that because I have seen some people post some really insane things expecting to be consoled for being ignorant and get the public feed back that was due.

When you vent or share a story by sending it to the masses online then it is expected that you will get a wide array of opinions. You take the chance by putting your stuff out there to be judged every time you post. I see lots of venting all the time that are unwarranted, the responses overwhelmingly reply in kind.

I have rarely seen people actually be mean, I have only seen people who give passionate responses and get replies by equally passionate people with a differeing view. In 99% of the cases nobody is mean they mostly are just sharing their view which maybe different, or even wrong, but it doesn't make it mean. Mean is very very obvious and I have yet to see it here but I haven't read everythign on the DIS.

People are so concerned for their own feelings and are looking for only one particular type of supportive response that they can't recognize a rational debate to their position from genuine meaness.

If you want support or sympathy for something that is a grey area then you are taking your chances online as everyone has their opinion and this is exactly the place where it will be shared.

On the things that warrant genuine sympathy, such as a severe unexpected life issue, I have yet to see anyone even give the slightest hint of disrespect.

 

[metime]

Also from the stand point of being a moderator for another forum I can promise you I have experienced quite a bit of back and forth and I have been in the position of deducing appropriate differing responses vs. meaness.

When people don't know you personally they will be more blunt.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

If someone is that sensative then why would they put their story, vent, or whatever else out on the world wide web.

It doesn't matter who you are or what you are saying if you put it out there you do not get to dictate everyone's response. Thank goodness for that because I have seen some people post some really insane things expecting to be consoled for being ignorant and get the public feed back that was due.

When you vent or share a story by sending it to the masses online then it is expected that you will get a wide array of opinions. You take the chance by putting your stuff out there to be judged every time you post. I see lots of venting all the time that are unwarranted, the responses overwhelmingly reply in kind.

I have rarely seen people actually be mean, I have only seen people who give passionate responses and get replies by equally passionate people with a differeing view. In 99% of the cases nobody is mean they mostly are just sharing their view which maybe different, or even wrong, but it doesn't make it mean. Mean is very very obvious and I have yet to see it here but I haven't read everythign on the DIS.

People are so concerned for their own feelings and are looking for only one particular type of supportive response that they can't recognize a rational debate to their position from genuine meaness.

If you want support or sympathy for something that is a grey area then you are taking your chances online as everyone has their opinion and this is exactly the place where it will be shared.

On the things that warrant genuine sympathy, such as a severe unexpected life issue, I have yet to see anyone even give the slightest hint of disrespect.

I've occasionally been cruel and harsh when I felt the post warranted it. Some people understand nothing other than absolute unvarnished hard truth. But I usually only post in that manner when I have PMS and don't care if I hurt their feelings. Most of the time if someone posts something I think is truly moronic I just ignore it. But if you catch me during a few days a month, then my 15% pure evil side is in control...

In that case, I never preface anything with "I'm not trying to be mean" because, in fact, I am. Because I think Mean can be very constructive. Although I prefer to term it "blunt".

What I really enjoy is posts where people who have a very narrow world view are REALLY shocked when they post something that would have everyone in their little circle IRL agreeing with them, but people from around the world are like, heeeelllll no! Those are eye openers. Very entertaining.

 

[crazee4mickey]

I said these exact words in a recent thread, hmmm could this thread be about me LOL!

I have said this and it is mainly because it is forewarning them not to get all in a huff before they even know what the meaning is. When you are typing there is no expression in your words and there is no way for the person you are typing to, to know that you are not saying it just to mean--in my case I ask to clarify,to state a fact or my opinion not to be outright mean.

If the person wants to get "all bent out of shape" about it then that's their problem not mine

 

[metime]

What I really enjoy is posts where people who have a very narrow world view are REALLY shocked when they post something that would have everyone in their little circle IRL agreeing with them, but people from around the world are like, heeeelllll no! Those are eye openers. Very entertaining.

And those are always the posts where someone complains that people are mean.

 

[redlight]

Sometimes bluntness is called for, but most of the time it isn't. If a person often says "I'm not trying to be mean, but" then there's something wrong.

 

[Aisling]

What do you say when you're not trying to be mean and really want to help, but you fear the person may take it that way (being mean)?

 

[redlight]

What do you say when you're not trying to be mean and really want to help, but you fear the person may take it that way (being mean)?

Then "I hope you don't take this the wrong way.." or "I hope I don't hurt your feelings.." may be called for, but I think such circumstances are fairly rare.

 

[Aisling]

Then "I hope you don't take this the wrong way.." or "I hope I don't hurt your feelings.." may be called for, but I think such circumstances are fairly rare.

Yes, I see how that would sound better than "I'm not trying to be mean."

 

[englishteacha]

I try not to use the phrase, "I'm not trying to be mean..." but as a teacher I sometimes have to say things to kids that might not make them happy, like discussing hygeine with a student, or telling them that they're not dressed appropriately for school. So sometimes things do need to be said that another person might take offense to.

 

[redlight]

I try not to use the phrase, "I'm not trying to be mean..." but as a teacher I sometimes have to say things to kids that might not make them happy, like discussing hygeine with a student, or telling them that they're not dressed appropriately for school. So sometimes things do need to be said that another person might take offense to.

That's a different story. You as a teacher would have much more cause to say something blunt to a student than the average person would say to a friend or acquaintance.

Basically, unless you are a really close friend you shouldn't make comments like "Don't take this the wrong way, but you are putting on weight" or "I'm not trying to be mean but did you shower today?"

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Basically, unless you are a really close friend you shouldn't make comments like "Don't take this the wrong way, but you are putting on weight" or "I'm not trying to be mean but did you shower today?"

Ok, here's how I phrase comments like that

The first one-my friends can get hugely fat and I'm never going to point out they're gaining weight. THey're fat, not blind. It's not going to affect our friendship.

The second one- "Oh, girlfriend, did you wrestle with a rhino this morning, because you are RIPE!" This is said with a smile. Friend will then say they worked out or the cat exploded all over them or swear at me (generally good naturedly).

 

[redlight]

The second one- "Oh, girlfriend, did you wrestle with a rhino this morning, because you are RIPE!" This is said with a smile. Friend will then say they worked out or the cat exploded all over them or swear at me (generally good naturedly).

I think you have to be a really close friend to say something like that.

 

[Carly_Roach]

What do you say when you're not trying to be mean and really want to help, but you fear the person may take it that way (being mean)?

First you ask yourself if what you are about to comment on is any of your business. Most of the time the answer is no - it's really not your business.

Secondly you have to ask yourself if that person has really asked for your help or if it's a case of you feel like putting your opinion out there because it'll make you feel better, not really help the other person. 90% of our thinking that we're "helping" someone else can be weeded out by this step alone.

Then, if the person has truly asked for your help, you have to judge whether or not your comments would really help that person or if that person just wants validation for their own viewpiont.

Finally, if they truly want your critique and have said to be brutally honest because they don't want to look like a fool themselves, you give them your honest opinion. No need to preface it with anything.

Anytime someone has to preface something with a disclaimer, chances are that they haven't followed the three steps I've mentioned above. 99% of the time they didn't even bother to follow step one. To which I, as a receiver of those comments, immediately disregard their opinion because whatever they are commenting to me on is usually none of their business in the first place and if I'd wanted their advice I would have asked for it.

Unsolicited free advice is worth exactly what you paid for it.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I think you have to be a really close friend to say something like that.

Well, they'd have to smell REALLY bad, like Seinfeld's car after the valet returned it bad.

 

[redlight]

First you ask yourself if what you are about to comment on is any of your business. Most of the time the answer is no - it's really not your business.

Secondly you have to ask yourself if that person has really asked for your help or if it's a case of you feel like putting your opinion out there because it'll make you feel better, not really help the other person. 90% of our thinking that we're "helping" someone else can be weeded out by this step alone.

Then, if the person has truly asked for your help, you have to judge whether or not your comments would really help that person or if that person just wants validation for their own viewpiont.

Finally, if they truly want your critique and have said to be brutally honest because they don't want to look like a fool themselves, you give them your honest opinion. No need to preface it with anything.

Anytime someone has to preface something with a disclaimer, chances are that they haven't followed the three steps I've mentioned above. 99% of the time they didn't even bother to follow step one. To which I, as a receiver of those comments, immediately disregard their opinion because whatever they are commenting to me on is usually none of their business in the first place and if I'd wanted their advice I would have asked for it.

Unsolicited free advice is worth exactly what you paid for it.

You took the words out of my mouth.