I'm at a loss here, could use some help from parents

[Pooh93]

First, let me add my prayers for the families involved because one of my dear friends lost her daughter in a car accident on graduation night last spring due to the boy driving recklessly at a high rate of speed. He, too hit a tree and a bridge and they were the only things out in the middle of the field. I have watched my friend walk a living hell on earth for the last nine months.

Regarding your daughter, I can echo the sentiment of the others who have said let her be with her friends, be there for her to talk as I'm sure you will and just go with the flow on moods, emotions, offer to get grief counseling etc. This is not something that will be overcome in a day, week or month. I know the kids that were closest to my friends daughter still pay my friend visits, call her and have held vigils at the accident site on the holidays since the accident. I, again offer my good thoughts to you and your family for the rough days and probably some nights ahead.

 

[ILUVMYBRIT]

I'm so sorry. Just let her know you are there to talk to. If she is like me and doesn't like to talk to her parents about things like this, get her a counselor. Sometimes its alot easier talking to a professional stranger than it is family and friends.

 

[siouxi31]

I'm so sorry for the pain that she has to go through.
When I was 11, my father passed away. The night he died, I refused to give him a kiss. I had always complained that he would pucker up his lips and give me a wet kiss so I asked him not to do that. He just puckered up and licked his lips being the funny guy he was. Well, I refused to kiss him because of that and then about 4 hours later, he died. 29 years later, I still remember that.
We do what we do and that doesn't mean that we didn't love or have feelings for that person. It also doesn't mean that we can't grieve for them once they're gone. It doesn't make her a bad person.
I hope the pain goes away for her soon.

 

[SillyMe]

When I was a teenager, I lost an ex-boyfriend/very good friend in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. It is really tough. It's going to be really tough for a long time and she'll feel that guilt for a long time, too, but she'll be okay. 18 years later, I still think about the "what-ifs" from time to time. It'll never go away and she will never forget, but she will eventually realize that there isn't anything she could have done to prevent it and there isn't anything she did wrong.

My prayers go out to your daughter, the boys and their families.

 

[kizzy212]

and loves to all

devasting news

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is something I am very scared about myself having a almost teen driver.

Perhaps she can turn it into a postive and tell other teens that "Speed Kills", write something, do something in his memory.

I agree with others that it is a process and it is normal to go through it. Best thing to do is help her complete the process.
Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

 

[disneylizzy]

I am so sorry. My deepest sympathies to the boys' families and to your daughter. She will cope, it will be hard and she, along with lots of her friends, will never forget this. As a mom, driving scares me more than anything else.

 

[dizagain]

to your DD and the families of her friends...

In college, my best friend lost her ex-boyfriend (on again/off again) in the same way. We were 19. I still have not forgotten the emotional roller coaster and I'm 36. Just be there for her through the many wide ranges of emotions she will probably experience and support her no matter what behavior she exhibits. I totally would try and get her into counseling if she is willing - an outside supporter could probably help a great deal. My friend refused to go to counseling and I always thought her parents should have forced her.

Hugs and prayers for all of you

 

[roseprincess]

Jeafl- for your dd and you. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for your dd. Prayers for your dd and ex-boyfriend's family.

Rosemarie

 

[Disney Doll]

So sad for all involved to lose someone so young. .

See how your daughter does. She will go through a range of emotions. If she seems to be really "stuck" suggest counselling. Sometimes being with her group of friends, all of whom share the same sorrow, will help.

When I was a Senior in HS, for the first 6 weeks of school, someone died every week!!! Suicide, car accident, leukemia..it was awful!!!! But we, the school community, got through it. I am sure the school will do some sort of memorial for the young man, and all the kids can grieve together. As far as her not speaking to him when she saw him, did she pointedly ignore him or was she just not in a position to say hello...you know, separated by the crowd or whatever? That will make a difference. Unfortunately, if she ignored him, then she will have learned a difficult lesson. If she didn't speak to him because of the circumstances that it was too crowded, she couldn't get close enough to say hello or whatever...well, that was really beyond her control, and you need to keep reminding her of that.

 

[Stitchfans]

Very sad. So sorry for all involved. My thoughts and prayers for everyone also.

 

[Jeafl]

Thanks everyone.

I guess what is so upsetting to me is that she WON'T talk about it. She keeps telling me "I don;t want to talk about it". She keeps looking at their pictures from the homecoming dance, and rereading the newspaper articles.

I just wish she WOULD talk about it.

 

[EEYOREMAMA]

Watching someone you love suffer (especially your child) is the hardest thing to do. Time really does heal all wounds. It's not just a saying, it is nature's cure. Just continue being patient and loving, and let nature takes it's course. When she's ready she will appreciate that you gave her the time and space to grieve and waited for her to be able to talk. She is probably looking at her own mortality and realizing that young people are really NOT immortal. It is an awful lesson to learn. Patience is everything. God Bless!

 

[lucyanna girl]

I'm so sorry. Just hold her when she crys. I think being with other teens at a time like this seems to help.

 

[budbeerlady]

Man, that is a tough one at that age. Very similar thing happened when I was 16, he was a friend not an ex. You will be surprised when and where this pops up again for her. Mine was 12 years ago but a song on the radio, a conversation with an old friend, another persons tragic accident will surface grief. Thats what makes up wonderfully human, cry it out, smile and cry it out some more. Its tough to learn at that age that we arent invincable nor do we live forever. So we slow down, fasten our seatbelts and hope we all have one more day.

 

[malibuconlee]

It's hard when an ex-boyfriend dies. Especially that young. I thought we were young when we lost our first serious boyfriends when my friend lost her ex when we were 22 in an accident, and I lost mine from suicide at 25.

I agree with having her do some counceling. If he's still at school they usually will have grief councelors available. In high school 2 guys from another school died in an auto accident and they had them available. They actually had the funeral in the high school gym because the funeral home wouldn't hold everyone.

 

[MinnieM3]

My heart goes out to you, your DD and the boys' families. How tragic.

 

[Talking Hands]

We've gone through this several different times with our girls. Deaths were from different reasons but still tragic. Be there for her with hugs and a listening ear. Just listen. Encourage her to go to grief counselling at school if it is provided. Helps alot. With one daughter I even called her schools counselor because the friend was in another school so it wasn't provided at her school. Counselor got her the councilling and also attended the funeral as her child was a friend of the child that died. It really helped my daughter that she was there. Go to the funeral with her if she wants to go. Stock up on KLeenex. You will need it. And most of all just keep loving her and letting her know you are there for her anytime day or night.

 

[Pixiedust34]

How horrible! Praying for all involved.

 

[LoveWDW]

I am very sorry. ((hugs)) and prayers.

I suspect that your daughter will want to talk at some point. She may need her space right now.