If you've lost your mother, how old were you and how did you cope?

[MrsPete]

I still have my mother, but I can tell you about losing my father:

I was 25, married, and had my life solidly together. He had been sick, so I had warning that this was coming, and I had gone to see him two weeks before he actually died. We had lots of bad blood between us; he had abandoned us when I was younger, and he had caused me a great deal of difficulty throughout my life.

I would've thought it wouldn't have hit me so hard, but IT DID. On the night that my aunt called to tell me that he had actually died, I was literally on the kitchen floor crying harder than I would've believed possible, unable to get off the floor, unable to speak. (It didn't take much for my husband to figure out what I'd heard in that phone call.)

How'd I get over it? It actually didn't take me a tremendous amount of time to get past the horrible part, but every now and then -- and it's been 20 years -- I still cry for him. Even though he wasn't really a positive influence in my life, I loved him.

 

[GirTheGecko]

I lost my mom at 19, very suddenly (homicide). The following months I remember feeling very raw and angry. I coped by moving forward, pursuing my dreams, and talking to my mother's friends and my own friends.

I did hit some odd bumps in the road, when I was about ready to graduate from college, I didn't want to go to the commencement since it would involve looking at all the other graduates with their families. I took my dbf to her grave and sobbed for about 10 minutes about three years after she died. I was also lucky enough to be starting college at the time so I could just be me, an average student, instead of the daughter of this woman (since it was a homicide, there was too much news coverage to me anyways). I've since moved to a different state and have been able to be open about the situation with my close friends here, which has helped me.

I also try to let me have no responsibilities on the anniversary of her death. I always request the day off and have been lucky enough to be in WDW once and will spend the 10th anniversary there this year. I figure I can let the world turn without me for that day and allow myself to feel whatever may come.

 

[2Kds2K9]

I was 32 and pregnant with my DD at the time. My DD was born 4 days after my mother died and the day after the funeral. I went into labor that night. I always say that Grandma got the first hug!

How did I cope? The first few days were just busy. I was in the hospital for two days and then had to put my DD back in due to jaundice. We brought her home on Saturday and on Monday everyone went back to work and life. I spent the entire day in tears. I had a 6 day old baby and a 2 year old son and no help. I realized that I had to put on my big girl panties and take care of my babies. It was probably the best thing for me. With two kids this young, I was extremely busy. BUT, I would also have panic attacks. I'd be out with the kids and realize that I did not have a mother anymore and I'd come running home.

The hard part is December and February. See, my mother's b-day is the day before mine. We would always have a laugh calling each other for our birthdays. And then of course, I have my DD's b-day right after the anniversary of my mother's death. It is always a bittersweet time of year.

It's been 13 years and I always say that it's not easier, just different. My life has changed and my thinking has changed. I've had to rely on what my Mother taught me through life, and really think back to those lessons. I had counted on having her around to get advise on raising my children, but that was not to be. But, I know that both my kids have a wonderful guardian angel in heaven and that they are looked after constantly.

Good luck.

 

[manning]

I still have my mother, but I can tell you about losing my father:

I was 25, married, and had my life solidly together. He had been sick, so I had warning that this was coming, and I had gone to see him two weeks before he actually died. We had lots of bad blood between us; he had abandoned us when I was younger, and he had caused me a great deal of difficulty throughout my life.

I would've thought it wouldn't have hit me so hard, but IT DID. On the night that my aunt called to tell me that he had actually died, I was literally on the kitchen floor crying harder than I would've believed possible, unable to get off the floor, unable to speak. (It didn't take much for my husband to figure out what I'd heard in that phone call.)

How'd I get over it? It actually didn't take me a tremendous amount of time to get past the horrible part, but every now and then -- and it's been 20 years -- I still cry for him. Even though he wasn't really a positive influence in my life, I loved him.

That is not hard to understand. At least for me. I never knew my mother. She died 6 hours after I was born. I never thought about it until later in life. I was fortunate to have relatives who cared for me and took the time to look after me. But now I sit back and reflect on how things would have been if she was around to love and guide me. I lost my father at age 18 and unfortunately wasn't smart enough at the the time to realize he was smarter than me.

Love and cherish your parents. They are the most important people you will have in your life.

As someone once said "anyone who would trade a few minutes of pleasure for 18 years of hard work has got to love you."

 

[ShootingStarMom2]

I was 24 when my mom passed away suddenly. She was 61. DH and I had brunch with her on Sunday and she passed away the next day. She had cardiomyopathy that was undiagnosed. I can't believe it's been 5 years since she left us. I still cry almost everyday. I walked her to the door and gave her a hug and kiss. She said love you and see you again soon.

I still kick myself because she asked to go shopping that afternoon. I told her I was going househunting with DH but maybe later that week. I could have had a few more hours. I'd give anything to have Sunday back. I am so grateful she was at our wedding. It's the last time she was photographed.

I feel so cheated because my children will never know their Nana. I still want to reach for the phone and call her. And, even though it's rediculous, if I see someone that looks like her, I have to see their face to force myself to realize it's not her.

OP- You are not alone. I am not a very good source of "pick-me-up" at the moment. There are days where I am ok with it, but it still feels like yesterday. I am grateful that my mother is their guardian angel and that she held them for the first 9 months.

 

[magicgirl]

I am 52 and I lost my Mother 10 weeks ago aged 80. On the Friday I was holding my newborn grandson and on Saturday,24 hours later my daughter, son and I were at my parents house trying to accept that my Mother had died. she was an amazing lady who I thought would live for ever. It hurts dreadfully and the pain suddenly comes from nowhere and the tears start.

It has made my relationship with my father different, we have always been very close but I am now very aware how precious the time we have left is. He lives 4 hours away and I try to go down every few weeks and stay for a few days. My sister and her family live near him so I am seeing more of them. My sister and I support each other but it so hard realising that our time with Dad is limited.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

You will always miss her and want her with you, but that stabbing, broken heart feeling gives way to nice memories.

This is how I feel. My mom died 22 years ago, when I was 23. I coped by telling myself, I had 23 years with the greatest mom on earth, and that's more than a lot of people get. So while she did die much too young, I am at least thankful for the time I had with her.

I miss her so much, especially around important events. She never met any of her grandkids, or even her son-in-law, and those were the times I cried the most for her... my wedding, finding out I was pregnant. Oh, how she wanted to be a grandma! She would've been an awesome one, too!

I'm going to cry now.

OP, treasure the time you have left with your mom. If she is able to, take her to some of her favorite places. Ask her about her life, her childhood, her young adulthood. These are some of the things that bother me the most. I was so young when she died and didn't realize how important some of her stories would be to me later as I got older. There are so many questions about her life that I wish I could ask her now.

Hugs to all of you who have lost, or are losing, someone close to you.

 

[ahhappy]

I was 34 when my Mom passed away after battling lung cancer for 6 years.

I coped by putting one foot in front of the other and continuing every day. In retrospect, a little time off the deep end just for me would have been better. Like, for instance, why did I go back to work just one week after my Mom's death. Why did I feel the need to get back at it so soon?

Also I went through three months of therapy about six months after she had passed. That helped quite a bit.

Ember, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I think at any age, its too soon. May you find some peace in your journey.

Amy

 

[Mandy_in_NC]

I lost my mother 2 weeks ago today. She died on Aug 30th. So at the age of 32 I am an orphan. It was very unexpected. We took her to the ER very early on Saturday after she called 911. We found out she was in acute kidney failure and liver failure. They admitted her to the hospital about 9am Saturday morning. They moved her to ICU around 8pm Saturday night. They let us in to see her in the ICU and she was looking better and a little of the swelling had gone down and she was making some sense when she talked to us. The nurse siad they had given her 3 bags of fluid and her blood pressure was 74/54 and she still wasn't producing any urine. My Aunt and I told her that we would see her in the morning and we went home. My Aunt went to the first visit on Sunday morning and Mom was talking to her telling her she was thirsty and she wanted to stand up. And the nurse was telling her she could not get up. My Aunt told Mom before she walked out that she loved her and that she would be in the waiting room and if she needed anything to tell the nurse to come and get her. About 9am my Aunt called my husband and told him to get me to the hospital but to not tell me what was going on until he got me there. All he woild tell me was that we needed to go now. I made him tell me before we left home what was going on and he said they were doing CPR on my Mom. I got there and happened to get to the ICU door just as a DR was coming out and I went in. They were still in the room with her. They had just hooked her up to the vent. The Dr came out and talked to us and told us that she had a 20 to 40% chance of surviving. We did the 3pm visit and I told her to hang on that my brother was on the way that he was trying to get home as quick as he could. He was on vacation in Hawaii. I told her I was going to go home and get the my girls settled with some friends who were going to watch them and that I would be back in a little while and I loved her. I went home and had not been home a total of 10 mins when the hospital called and said she was codeing again and what did I want them to do. I am an EMT and my Husband is a Paramedic and my Mom was a Nurse so I knew what they wanted to know. I told them to code her that I was on my way. I called my brother on the way and asked him what he wanted me to do and he said he had made peace with the sistuation to let her go. I called my Aunt and asked her what she wanted and she said let her go. So when I got the ICU the DR told me that they were pacing her and I told him that she was a no code from then on. They gave us all plently of time to spend with her and to tell her goodbye and then they cut the pacer off and cut the vent off and she was gone. She died at 5:13pm. Making the decision to take my mother off of life support is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. PLEASE HAVE A LIVING WILL!! If she would of had a living will I would not have had to make that choice. My mother was only 59 so it can happen at any age. Right now I am just putting one foot in front of the other. This is my 2nd night back at work and I am glad to be back. But I am a 911 dispatcher and I was working the night she called 911. I didn't take the call but it is still hard to come in here. It has been a little easier tonight than it was last night. But it is hard and I don't expect it to be any easier anytime soon. But I will be ok.

 

[Ember]

My husband lost his father at 10 and his mother at 28. I've never had a relationship with my father so we don't have any parents left. It seems very strange for us too to not have any parents at this age. I don't have any other friends that have lost both parents, most still have at least one grandparent as well.

This how it will be for me. DH lost his parents when he was a small child and my dad walked out on us when I was 2. It's been my mum and I for my entire life. She is my best friend.

 

[SamRoc]

I think I'm looking for reassurance that I'm not the only one who has dealt with this. I feel far too young at 29 to be losing my mother.

I'm so sorry for you. I too lost my Mom when i was 29. My ds was 2. That was 22 years ago. Time will ease your pain. It was tough for me because i had just been married a few years and just started having kids. She never met my dd who was born 2 years later after but i know she looks down from heaven every day and knows we love her!

 

[sparkyboy]

My dad passed when he was 52 from a drowning accident-I was only 28. We were fortunate to have mother for another 30 years-she passed two years ago from complications of adult onset diabetes and a major stroke. She died in May 2007, my 60 yr SIL died that August from brain cancer and my brother, her husband, died 3 weeks later at the age of 62 of a major stroke. So while 2007 was a year that left me shell-shocked, my siblings and I were blessed that we had mother for those years as God, her faith and then her kids, gkids, and greatgrands were the world to her. There are certain days yet, that I still am numb and miss her dearly, but I know that she is an angel and continues to watch over us. Cherish each day with your loved ones--tell them that you love them, and never leave anything to chance. There are no do overs in life--no dress rehearsals--so be certain that you've told each person how important they are in your life each day. Blessings.

 

[TB'sWidow]

I lost my mom when I was just 20 and pregnant with my first child and it was very traumatic for me.I am now 46 and I have tried to be the best mother I can be in her honor.

 

[Lanshark]

As I stated in my previous post my mother died about 35 years ago when I was 14. She had been very ill since shortly after my birth and I never really knew her. There is a void. There will always be a void. It will never go away but you will learn to live with it. There will be times that it is more difficult than others. During those times surround yourself with those that understand and care for you. One morning you will wake up and it won't be the first thing that enters your mind. It may come and go throughout the day but instead of being all consuming it will be something managable. It may take some time but it will happen. It is a difficult road but knowing that your feelings are normal and knowing that it's ok to feel as you do does help. That's why I recommended Motherless Daughters.

After my mother died my father raised me by himself. I don't have any siblings. We NEVER discussed the issue. I never wanted to make him uncomfortable. He just wanted to forget and in a way so did I. It really hit me when I had my first child many years later. It wasn't until I was 26 that I faced the situation. My one piece of advice is to leave nothing unsaid. You will be dealing with enough without having regrets.

I hope you can eventually find peace.

 

[denisem]

Been following this thread for days and my heart hurts for all of you losing parents at a young age. I doubt I would have coped as well.

I hesitate to offer *my* source of comfort as some may find it contrived or superstitious. I hope you take it in the spirit it is offered, and maybe find a similar remembrance to bring you comfort, too.

Many years ago I went on vacation & asked mom what she'd like for a souvenir (knowing I'd be hitting jewelry stores in the caribbean). Being rather religious (which I wasn't) she asked for a very small gold medal of the Virgin Mary. I kinda laughed and said "Why small??" She wanted a tiny lightweight medal & chain to wear all the time - so I did as she asked and she wore that necklace 24/7 for 15 yrs., even among her more garish costume jewelry.

As a non-sentimental person who believes memories count more than "things", I was prepared to bury her with this trinket. But at mom's funeral my SIL (a wise lady AND great friend) attached it around my neck where it's been almost 2 years. Call me crazy - but it's a daily calming influence (especially when I'm stressed - I unconsciously reach for it like worry beads). It's less a reminder of my loss (like we need reminders, right??) but a connection to mom's spirit in terms of strength. This experience humbled me.

Hope I haven't offended anyone with my botched explanation of coping.

 

[Mandy_in_NC]

Been following this thread for days and my heart hurts for all of you losing parents at a young age. I doubt I would have coped as well.

I hesitate to offer *my* source of comfort as some may find it contrived or superstitious. I hope you take it in the spirit it is offered, and maybe find a similar remembrance to bring you comfort, too.

Many years ago I went on vacation & asked mom what she'd like for a souvenir (knowing I'd be hitting jewelry stores in the caribbean). Being rather religious (which I wasn't) she asked for a very small gold medal of the Virgin Mary. I kinda laughed and said "Why small??" She wanted a tiny lightweight medal & chain to wear all the time - so I did as she asked and she wore that necklace 24/7 for 15 yrs., even among her more garish costume jewelry.

As a non-sentimental person who believes memories count more than "things", I was prepared to bury her with this trinket. But at mom's funeral my SIL (a wise lady AND great friend) attached it around my neck where it's been almost 2 years. Call me crazy - but it's a daily calming influence (especially when I'm stressed - I unconsciously reach for it like worry beads). It's less a reminder of my loss (like we need reminders, right??) but a connection to mom's spirit in terms of strength. This experience humbled me.

Hope I haven't offended anyone with my botched explanation of coping.

I understand what you are saying perfectly. I have been wearing my Mothers engagement ring and wedding ring for a couple of years now. My father was killed in 2001 and when she finally decided about 2 years ago to take them off she gave them to me. Everytime I look at them I am reminded of both of my parents. I also have the anniversary band that my Husband bought me on top of them and at the very top I have my own wedding band. I always feel like I have a connection with the both of them.

 

[Shelly F - Ohio]

OP sorry to hear about your lose.

I was 23 yrs old and it has been 13 years for me now. It has to be the hardest thing I have ever had happen. She was my best friend! For 2 years I cried and attempted suicide.
Right now are the roughest times for you to cope through. It will get a little easier as time goes on.
What I can say is make her proud of you and your accomplishments. She will be with you ever step of the way.

 

[dizluvah]

I was eight when my mom passed. I relied on other family members for support. I will say, it gets easier.