if you bust your teen drinking

[The Mystery Machine]

Ugh, so sorry you have to go through this. I don't what I would do in your situation...

I would most likely think about the punishment for a week. I tend to access better over time.

Right now I would lean towards him putting his 2 week notice in and he has to find a different job. But I am not sure that is a good idea so that is why I would take awhile to think.

It will be ok...

 

[Dan Murphy]

I do hope you have located him by now.

 

[eeyore kelly]

I do hope you have located him by now.

Me too. Update when you can.

Right now I would lean towards him putting his 2 week notice in and he has to find a different job.

ITA!!!

Put a stop to him hanging with those friends. Only allow him to hang out with those friends at your house. That's a real friendship killer..

 

[powellrj]

I hope that you have found him by now. Please post an update. As a parent, this is so scarry. I think most of us with older teens have been through this. I know I have spent many a night driving looking for his car, praying that he is ok and wanting to kill him when I find him.

 

[elgerber]

Any updates yet?? My kids are younger, but this topic still worries me. I hope he's home now!

Erika

 

[Tiggeroo]

No I haven't found him yet. I'm worried to death. He has never hung out with these people before. Our house is the hangout place. So he and his friends are always based out of here. The kids he hangs with are a great group. Sleepovers are usually here in our family room, but when they are some place else I always talk to the parents. His curfew is midnight but even when he and his brother are out til midnight, because our house is the hangout place they are in and out of here several times during the night then all the friends get picked up from her.
Unfortunately, once he didn't come home I didn't expect to hear from him yet. I didn't authorize a sleepover at the friend he asked about, although he is one of the ones I am ok with. But in teen logic he will try to argue that he told me he was sleeping over there. I said he could sleep there if he stopped here first. As soon as it was a reasonable time this morning I called there. He's not there.
In another hour or so his boss will be in at work. DH will be going over there to get the addresses of the people he works with. I'm worried because he is ready to kill the boss because he feels he encourages this stuff. They have a tip jar at his work. My son has worked there for 2 years and never gotten any of that tip money because it's ear marked for beer. I'm angry with the co-workers but I'm placing the blame squarely on my son's shoulders.

 

[eeyore kelly]

They have a tip jar at his work. My son has worked there for 2 years and never gotten any of that tip money because it's ear marked for beer.

That would be my reason for him to quit!

Hugs to your family.

 

[Lars624]

 

[Tiggeroo]

OK found him. He's at his bosses house. I have to find out whether the parents knew he was there or the kids snuck him in early in the morning. Restaurant is only going to be open one more week, it's a summer place. Don't know yet whether to have him quit or make him stick out the season. Quitting will leave the owner high and dry. Depends partly on the owners knowledge of the situation.

 

[poohlover]

More hugs to you. I also am reading this with intrest. My DD 18 now was wonderful...no problems with her & a very open child. My now 16 yo DD is another story.

My 18 yo tried to give her some hints on how to make it "look" like you are drinking at parties & made my younger DD aware that generally kids won't hassle you if you just say you don't want any. My 18 yo also made it VERY clear that NO ON DRIVES with someone who has been drinking!!

But my 16 yo will be much more vulnerable to peer pressure.

Hope you have found him!

 

[Pkaroch]

My heart goes out to you during all this...I can't even imagine not knowing where your child is, but knowing he's with people who are drinking.
My parents caught me at a party where there was alcohol...their biggest problem? I didn't call home to say I'd be late. Dad showed up at 3 in the morning to retrieve me, I was grounded for a week and missed some other parties, and I had a LOT of chores around the house as punishment, but by far the worst punishment was the embarrassment of having to explain why I couldn't 'come out and play.' From that day until the day I moved out I called when I was going to be even 5 minutes late...it was a valuable lesson. If your son is a good kid, he will most likely see the error of his ways and not put you through this again.

 

[pjlla]

OKAY.... I know I am opening myself up for a MAJOR flaming here, but you asked.....

You stated you did not want to "make a big deal out of it".... well, I think it is a VERY BIG DEAL!! Underage drinking and not knowing where he is most of the night?? VERY BIG DEAL! And I would let him have it! We are talking major grounding, taking away car, phone, tv, computer (except for schoolwork), etc for at least two weeks. I understand that you said he is generally a good kid and hasn't been in trouble before and that is terrific.... so let's nip this in the bud and make sure it is a one time thing. Make sure he knows that you are SERIOUS about this and it WON'T be tolerated!

I would also remove him from the situation. It is very hard to be a 16-17-18 year old and hang around with older folks (21+) without trying to be "part of the crowd", which means drinking and partying with them. And the restaurant and hotel businesses are notorious for having employees who party hard!! If it really would leave the restaurant owner/manager in a bad position I suppose he is obligated to finish out the week. But I would make the rules that he could go to work and work ONLY! And then directly home.

Sorry if it seems like I am coming down hard on you. But if you let this slide or don't seem to take it seriously enough, I think that will send him the wrong message. Hope you understand I am just saying all this because I am concerned....truly. Hope it all works out.....................Pamela

 

[ajksmom]

Hope all is well at your home this morning.
I have 3 sons (21,17,3). The older two have been pretty decent but have given me a few sleepless nights. When I was young,
my dad would sometimes wait up to a week to hand out the "punishments", until that happened we'd walk on thin ice in our house. We'd have to ask to do the simplest of things(like watching TV,taking the dog out, having a snack,etc.) until he had sat down and talked to us about our crime. My siblings and I used to think it was the worst part of the punishments!!! You never knew when he'd call your name to go for a ride to discuss what had happened. As an adult I realize now that it gave him time to really analyze the situation, make sure he wasn't missing something. It also forced us to reflect on it while he was taking time thinking. Alot can be said for taking the time to make sure you have all the bases covered before approaching him. I haven't always had the patience to wait sooo long with the boys but I sure do try.
Out drinking with the guys from work isn't the worst part of the decisions he made last night,IMO. He LIED to you about where he was sleeping. He DEFIED you by not stopping home when you asked him to. In an emergency how could you have gotten in touch with him? Perhaps you can ask him to figure out the punishment that best fits his crimes. Then you'd have a heads up as to what he thinks of what he did.
Out too late at night isn't a good thing, ever. We learned a very important lesson last Oct. when my DS17's girlfriends best friend died in a one car accident on her way home, after dropping them off. It was shortly after midnite and she fell asleep at the wheel. Toxicology tests confirmed there were no drugs or alcohol in her system, she was tired - that's it. While drinking/partying and driving is real dangerous, it doesn't take that to kill someone. The boys (and whoever wants to spend the night at my house is welcome) are home or in for the night if they stay elsewhere much earlier than before. I'm telling you of this situation because it made our entire family and our friends, remember that life itself is no guarantee. Doing nothing wrong can have terrible consequences, when you add risky behavior to it you are only increasing your chances.
I'm sorry to be sooo "longwinded". I wish you luck and a clear head in dealing with your son.

 

[Desiree]

Originally posted by pjlla
OKAY.... I know I am opening myself up for a MAJOR flaming here, but you asked.....

You stated you did not want to "make a big deal out of it".... well, I think it is a VERY BIG DEAL!! Underage drinking and not knowing where he is most of the night?? VERY BIG DEAL! And I would let him have it! We are talking major grounding, taking away car, phone, tv, computer (except for schoolwork), etc for at least two weeks. I understand that you said he is generally a good kid and hasn't been in trouble before and that is terrific.... so let's nip this in the bud and make sure it is a one time thing. Make sure he knows that you are SERIOUS about this and it WON'T be tolerated!

I would also remove him from the situation. It is very hard to be a 16-17-18 year old and hang around with older folks (21+) without trying to be "part of the crowd", which means drinking and partying with them. And the restaurant and hotel businesses are notorious for having employees who party hard!! If it really would leave the restaurant owner/manager in a bad position I suppose he is obligated to finish out the week. But I would make the rules that he could go to work and work ONLY! And then directly home.

Sorry if it seems like I am coming down hard on you. But if you let this slide or don't seem to take it seriously enough, I think that will send him the wrong message. Hope you understand I am just saying all this because I am concerned....truly. Hope it all works out.....................Pamela

ITA with this...

 

[kitn]

One idea is you could have him read this thread to let him know how much he worried you. I bet he has no idea. Hopefully it will make him think twice about it next time.

 

[Tiggeroo]

When I say i didn't want to make a big deal out of it, it was if he came home at curfew and had been drinking. I wouldn't make light of it, but I wouldn't make the punishment so stiff that he would not come home if he did something wrong.We've had alot of talks about drinking and the boys are pretty honest with me about what guys at work are up to, and some of the other kids they know. Now, remember I'm talking about a kid who I always know where he is and had never done anything like this before. Neither had his older sister. I would then have had a serious talk about safety, and given him some chores, a weekend grounding, perhaps cut back the curfew, and kept a much closer eye on things.
But the staying out all night, lying about where he was going to be, risking getting hurt or worst, etc... That's a whole different ballgame. DH is going to speak to the boss today to see if he knew what is going on. Unless that doesn't go well we'll let him finish out the season there but it will be to work then directly home. I'm still not sure what the punishment is going to be but there will be at least a 2week grounding. I imagine the fact that dh speaks to his boss, causing big embarassment will seem like a punishment too. The biggest punishment is going to be loss of trust. Now, when he's getting older he'll be having a mom who checks up more on him then before. I work with hs kids. Anyplace a kid works there are people there who drink, alot. Most jobs bring them in contact with older folks who have different values then your family. Keeping him away from temptation doesn't seem like the solution. But dh and I both worked in restaurant fields when we were younger and know they can be bad. We thought this would be different because we are in a dry town so they don't serve alcohol. And it's a small family place, and we know the family. The mom and her kids go to our church. If it hadn't been that, dh actually had a rule that none of the kids were allowed to work in restaurants.

 

[Bear Necessities]

Originally posted by pjlla
OKAY.... I know I am opening myself up for a MAJOR flaming here, but you asked.....

You stated you did not want to "make a big deal out of it".... well, I think it is a VERY BIG DEAL!! Underage drinking and not knowing where he is most of the night?? VERY BIG DEAL! And I would let him have it! We are talking major grounding, taking away car, phone, tv, computer (except for schoolwork), etc for at least two weeks. I understand that you said he is generally a good kid and hasn't been in trouble before and that is terrific.... so let's nip this in the bud and make sure it is a one time thing. Make sure he knows that you are SERIOUS about this and it WON'T be tolerated!

I would also remove him from the situation. It is very hard to be a 16-17-18 year old and hang around with older folks (21+) without trying to be "part of the crowd", which means drinking and partying with them. And the restaurant and hotel businesses are notorious for having employees who party hard!! If it really would leave the restaurant owner/manager in a bad position I suppose he is obligated to finish out the week. But I would make the rules that he could go to work and work ONLY! And then directly home.

Sorry if it seems like I am coming down hard on you. But if you let this slide or don't seem to take it seriously enough, I think that will send him the wrong message. Hope you understand I am just saying all this because I am concerned....truly. Hope it all works out.....................Pamela

ITA as well but would like to add that I am so thankful that you have found him today, I could breathe easier this morning when I signed on to see that you have found him. Also I agree with you Tiggeroo that if the Manager/boss had any knowledge of this event then he would not be finishing out the last week, I dont care if it would put him in a bad position, in my opinion, IF he knew about last night then it is he who put YOU in a bad position and tuff nuggets to him. Lastly and I dont want to sound mean, because you all have had a rough night, but if I worked for a place and didnt get the tips I EARNED because it was put into the "beer fund" and my parents knew about it and didnt say anygthing , then to me that would have sent a message that they thought this behavior was ok with them. KWIM? Also if you feel that comfortable with the owner because they are friends of yours and go to church with you then I think I would say something to her, because maybe she isnt aware that the Manager is doing this and the "beer fund" could get her into alot of trouble legally if God forbid anything ever did happen to anyone. Stepping down now.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by Tiggeroo
And I'm really mad because of the age of these guys.

I would be mad too. Giving liquor to a minor is a crime, I'm pretty sure, in every state. They should know better.



ITA with Bear Necessities. I'm glad he is okay.

 

[Pam]

I just found this thread. I am a little confused now, though. Have you found your son yet? I didn't think so - but the poster above me says yes.

A minimum of 2 weeks grounding is what would be enforced at our house. My DD is almost 19 and a freshman in colllege and my DS is 16 and a sophomore in HS. They've never done this, yet - and I hope they never do. Kids just don't understand the anguish and suffering a parent goes through when they are up all night pacing and worrying. (I do know about this, because my meathead of a brother subjected my parents to this a time or two... And the last time that happened, my parents went and collected my 18 year old brother and his car and escorted him home.)

I hope you hear from your son soon.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Yep. I'm so relieved he's home. DH is more streetsmart than I am. If he talks to the owner he'll have a sense about how much he knows of what goes on. If he has any doubt, no finishing out the week. We're in a shore town and it's tough to get good help. Alot of college kids come here, pitch in for a rental and work their butts off, also partying alot for the summer. The owners know it, but some encourage it, while others just have a knowledge of this. One of sons friends mom made him quit his job because the boss takes all the employees, minors inc. on an end of season trip full of drinking. I want to know what side he's on.
DH and I have spoken to son many times about the tip jar. He said they started letting him take money out if he wanted to get something to eat from somewhere besides work. So he was getting a little bit of it. Also, sometimes customers tip my son directly, and he keeps this. But there are times when big spending tourists leave a 20. tip and I know son doesn't get nearly his fair share. And since he wasn't participating in the drinking he wasn't getting it as beer money either.
My boys are going to be seniors this year. In less then a year they will be away at college where they can do what they want. I have been trying to give them more freedom to prepare them for this. If they are going to make mistakes like this I would prefer for it to be while they are living at home, so I can give them some level of proteciton. Also, this way if they can't handle the freedom I can still reel it back in for awhile.