if you bust your teen drinking

[Tiggeroo]

I found out my 17 yo son is out drinking with some guys from work tonight. Good kid, never in trouble before. Would you ride around til you found the house he was staying at and drag his butt home. At least to make sure he was allright and not getting in the car with anybody? Would you call some of the suspected homes at 1am. Dh is riding around now trying to catch up with him.
When you did get him home and it's morning what would be the punishment. I don't want to make a huge deal out of it. But I don't want to act like it's ok. I have other teens in the house and whatever I do here will be telling for them. He has 6 days left of summer vacation left. I figure he's just forfeited them. Now, I'm trying to find out where the drinking took place, because if I find out that there's driving involved the punishment will be much worst.
What's ticking me worst then my dumb sons drinking is the age of the guys at his work who took him out. They are much older, living on their own young adults.

 

[Tiggeroo]

well early morn and not alot of folks on. Dh can't find him. His twin brother is trying to track him down and bring him home. And mom of course can't sleep.

 

[Serena]

My advice. Make sure he's ok, then tomorrow or the day after decide his punishment. Try to make it fit the crime.

 

[Tiggeroo]

unfortunately we can't find him. So we're worried about him being in a car, or doing something stupid. So the crime in my mind just got alot worst by not coming home and not having his parents know where he is.
If he had come home drunk in the morning he would have gotten a minor punishment. Enough to know we were upset, but not enough to discourage him from coming home. More like talks about safety and stuff. But dh and I are going to be up all night. And his brother is acting like it's no big deal. So I have to take more of a stand on this. For a change dh is wanting to be tougher then me. But for now I can't sleep because I'm thinking of all the worst case scenarios.

 

[poohandwendy]

First of all, HUGS to you!!! It sure is scary raising teens.

Yes, I would try my best to find him and make sure he is not in a car with anyone driving who has been drinking.

When he does drag his sorry butt home, LOL, wait until morning to discuss this evenings events. You really do not need the frustration of trying to reason with a person who is impaired. Also, take this time to form a united front with your DH on what you want to do about this.

When you do talk in the morning, stress above and beyond anything...safety. This is the big talk. Make your point, be firm about what you expect and most of all, talk to him about how dangerous his behavior is. Honestly, that is the absolute most important thing. A person behind the wheel with ONE drink in their system is impaired enough to kill or permanently maim. That is just the bottom line truth.

Yes, he blew it. You say he is a good kid? Likely he is not on the path to destruction or anything that bad. But, he needs to know that you expect him to call and ask for a ride if he is around or involved in drinking or drugs.

It is up to you to decide the appropriate punishment, but I caution you not to make it so stiff that he walks away from it all thinking he could NEVER call if he needed a ride home. It's a very fine line we walk as parents...don't want to give the impression that we approve, but wanting them to call anytime from anywhere if they need us.

The very best thing you can do is to make sure he knows that he can call you and ask for help when he is in trouble, no questions asked. But if he doesn't call, the consequences will be harsh.

Good luck to you! Sheesh, they really do a number on us, eh?

 

[Tiggeroo]

It is up to you to decide the appropriate punishment, but I caution you not to make it so stiff that he walks away from it all thinking he could NEVER call if he needed a ride home. It's a very fine line we walk as parents...don't want to give the impression that we approve, but wanting them to call anytime from anywhere if they need us.

I know this is the problem. DH and I have always told the kids if they ever were out drinking they could call us anytime and we'd pick them up. No questions asked, no punishments issued. I want them to call us. Not hide out or get in the car with someone they shouldn't or get behind a wheel. The big issue now is not the drinking. It's the not coming home.

 

[poohandwendy]

And another thing, consider getting him a cel phone. I know it seems like a perk for him, but it can be a lifesaver when they are out and you NEED to get in touch with them, or they you. Our rule is, you had better keep it charged and answer when I call or life as you know it will not be pretty. No excuses.

There are prepaid phones if you are concerned about the cost or him abusing the privilege.

Think about it.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I have twin sons and they share a phone. If he had come home from work before going out he would have had one on him. But he knows I see all his friends here. They all borrow each others phones. He could have borrowed a phone to call home. In fact he called home twice asking to sleep at a friends house. That's what got me suspicious about things, and really how he ended up busted.

 

[poohandwendy]

It's the not coming home

And that is what you should stress. If he is going to make adult decisions (drinking), he is expected to be responsible enough to pick up the phone, no matter what. If he cannot handle that, his right to go out should be suspended until he can prove he is more mature.

 

[poohandwendy]

Originally posted by Tiggeroo
I have twin sons and they share a phone. If he had come home from work before going out he would have had one on him. But he knows I see all his friends here. They all borrow each others phones. He could have borrowed a phone to call home. In fact he called home twice asking to sleep at a friends house. That's what got me suspicious about things, and really how he ended up busted.

Ah...I see. I guess none of his friends are answering their phones either? Please keep us updated, I hope you find him soon. I am sure this is making you nervous, but I am sure he is fine and this will all be resolved tommorow. Can you feel the gray hairs sprouting?

 

[Tiggeroo]

I want him to know the punishment for the drinking would have been much less. When I first knew he had been drinking I told his brother what I thought the punishment would be. In for the last weekend of summer vacation and a talk on safety. And because of the hurricane and surfing, if I got a good attitude I would have let him go surfing a couple hours every day. I'm a realist. I didn't expect to raise 4 teens and not have one of them do this. We've talked about it alot. I've told them how I feel about drinking, and that I understand teen pressure and giving in to it. But not coming home and leaving your famly worry and look for you. That's another story. No way i'm going to find him because these are not people he hangs with. Just guys from work. And I'm really mad because of the age of these guys.

 

[poohandwendy]

Just realized, he thinks he is covered because he is 'sleeping at a friends house' and he already called you to ask, right? So, in his mind, he has covered all bases? LOL...I wouldn't want to be him tomorrow...

 

[Tiggeroo]

When he asked if he could sleep at his friends house I was suspicious. It's not a kid he's been hanging with lately. So I told him he had to stop at the house first or the answer was no. He didn't stop here and I know he's not at that friend's house. I know he's with these older guys from work. Both he and his brother have been under alot of pressure from the older guys at work to drink. It's been worst then just the kids at school. Of the two boys this is not the one I thought would give in.

 

[poohandwendy]

No way i'm going to find him because these are not people he hangs with. Just guys from work. And I'm really mad because of the age of these guys.

Actually, the fact that they are all older and living on their own probably means he is in someones apartment and not out driving around. But, I think he blew it when it comes to your allowing to hang out 'with the guys from work'...for a long time.

 

[Deafmedic]

Wait til morning to talk to him. Impaired people do not listen well. Keep a check on him during the night. People die from alcohol poisoning. Make sure he is breathing okay and keep him turned on his side in case he vomits. People do not wake up often when heavily intoxicated.
It's a hard part of my position when I have to explain to parents what I find in their child's blood.

 

[poohandwendy]

Originally posted by Tiggeroo
When he asked if he could sleep at his friends house I was suspicious. It's not a kid he's been hanging with lately. So I told him he had to stop at the house first or the answer was no. He didn't stop here and I know he's not at that friend's house. I know he's with these older guys from work. Both he and his brother have been under alot of pressure from the older guys at work to drink. It's been worst then just the kids at school. Of the two boys this is not the one I thought would give in.

This is the main reason I stopped allowing my DD (17) to do the 'sleep over' thing. By the time they are of driving/dating age, 'sleep overs' tend to result in nothing but trouble (lying about where they really are, all of that fun stuff). Not with all kids, I am sure...but we just feel there is no real need at this age.

 

[dairyou]

My heart goes out to you. It's 11:30 here on the west coast, so I know you must be so worried.

From previous posts it sounds like it stems from his and his brother's work. Maybe it's time to quit that job.

I don't have teens yet, mine will be 13 in December so I don't know all the in's and out's of teen parenting. His job just sounds like a good place to start.

Deb

 

[Bear Necessities]

Saying a prayer he comes home soon Tiggeroo!! I do not look forward to this part of parenting at all, but we are almost there. I think what you have planned for punishment for the drinking would have been great and would have worked on me when I was a kid, thats the same thing my parents did only I didnt get to go ANYWHERE for a week. surf waves or no, thats the price I would have paid for being out drinking. As far as the not coming home part, is there anywhere in your community he can volunteer to help out families or victims of drunk driving accidents? I seem to remember somthing about this a couple of years ago in our community, although right now I cannot for the life think of what it was called. Might be an eye opener to see what he COULD cause. Keep us posted, I will be worried now right along with you the rest of the night now.

 

[DawnCt1]

Originally posted by poohandwendy
This is the main reason I stopped allowing my DD (17) to do the 'sleep over' thing. By the time they are of driving/dating age, 'sleep overs' tend to result in nothing but trouble (lying about where they really are, all of that fun stuff). Not with all kids, I am sure...but we just feel there is no real need at this age.

I agree with you. Sleep overs are fine for little kids. Once they hit the mid teens, no way. As far as calling the houses of his friends where you think he is; Absolutely. If I have to be awake looking for my kid who is with their kid, they are going to be awake too. If their kid isn't home and they are annoyed by my phone call, too bad. With four boys, I have been in Tigaroo's position. The best approach is to be sure to contact the other parents and let them know what went on. You would be shocked at the parents who don't care where their teens are! In that case, the best you can hope for is that you have annoyed them so much that they tell their kids not to hang around with your kid; "his mom called and woke me up".

 

[Esmerelda]

My first and foremost concern would be is he ok?.....

Once I'd made sure he was ok, I would decide his punishment and it would not be a good one. At 17, his whereabouts still need to be known to mom and dad...and he still should have a time to be in (IMO). In the city we live in, there is a midnight curfew for all 16 and 17 yr olds unless they are traveling to/from work. Its VERY disrespetful to leave mom/dad hanging all night not knowing if he is ok. I'm sorry, that's just how I was raised and I always respected my parents.

Maybe you could have an officer sit down with him and explain what he could be charged with at 17 and how one beer could get him into a whole lot of trouble. He isn't even old enough to buy booze so someone is supplying him. It surely couldn't hurt.
Working in the ER, I've seen a lot of intoxicated 16 and 17 yr olds unfortunately. (heck, I've even seen 13 yr olds drunk..its sad!)

best of luck to you...I hope all turns out ok,
Esmerelda