If I was anyone else I'd slap me silly...

[PUZZLDY5]

I agree with everyone here about getting a good lawyer but are we really suggesting here that he could get custody of this kid? The man doesn't even have a job and I don't think lazy qualifies as a disability.

OP: You said your child is 4. Does he go to preschool. If he goes to preschool I would suggest you switch shifts at work or going into the private sector. You can use the before and after school care.
If you can't change shifts I would find either a trusted firend or a reliable individual to watch him through the night. When my son was a baby I worked graveyard shift for the first 3 years of his life. My mom watched him at night and I paid her a fair amount just like I would anyone else. I'm not going to lie, it was hard.Then I lucked up and a daylight position came open. Keep your eyes and ears open for a day time position. Good Luck

 

[MomRN]

Well, oddly everything was "okay" before we had B. He had a job, not the best, but a job. He was laid off a few weeks before finding out I was pregnant, and has been every since. Right now he lives off his excess in grants and student loans. I draw the line at giving him money for gas and cigarettes... although I have done it before.

After my son was about 2 he started being more pro-active in daddyhood, and he "watches" him while I work. In other words, if my step-daughter (16) is here he pawns the biy off to her, and if she's not in front of the tv he goes. He's not a bad dad, really, except for the fact he doesn't do anything else. Okay, he does cut grass and chop wood.

He has been in trouble with the law before, has a felony, which is part of the reason he is having a hard time finding a job. He refuses to work fast food or a gas station...those being beneath him. However, I have a feeling that those would work for me in custody.

It's not like we ever had a conversation that he would be a SAHD, I would work and go to school... we would make $8,000/yr (seriously is what we made the first year my son was alive) and I would get any kind of government assistance that I could to get myself through school. It was more like he saw I was getting things done while he could sit back and do nothing... and he did.

I do have my own little hidden nest egg already, and my checking account is in my name only.

Day shifts in nursing are hard to come by around here without seniority. Maybe if I commuted an hour or more. With 2 nursing schools in the area, we are saturated with nurses.

I have to plan before I take action.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I guess I need to vent...cry...take action... do something.

Things are not going good at home and i don't know what to do, when to do it, or how I should do it. I'm in an enabling situation, and I need to get out.

Geesh, this is such a long story I don't even know where to start. Let's back up about 5 years since that's where the real resentment comes in. That was when I was in nursing school, found out I was pregnant, and my husband was unemployed. When the baby was born he wouldn't watch him when I went to school or work- the baby went to daycare. I think he had a baby phobia.

I wrapped my son up bright and early to get to clinicals at 6am. I woke up to feed him in the middle of the night. I figured out finances, I don't even know how, but my grandma was there to help. My husband was still unemployed.

Fast forward 5 years, my son is 4. My husband is still unemployed, but going to school. Yet, 9 of his 12 credit hours is on-line, and I'm doing them. I'm working full-time, doing his homework, maintaining the finances, doing the housework and childcare when I'm off... everything a single parent would do except I'm not a single parent.

The icing on the cake came this week, when the day I was out of surgery I had to pay my step-daughter to help my son with a bath (and gave him a bath myself everyday after that), continued housework when able... well, nothing changed. Then the cherry on the top comes when he complains that he has to get up early to go to school one day (he has to be there one day a week, at 9am).

I told him last year I was divorcing him once my son was able to talk well enough to tell me the stuff he does and I think that time has came.

For me, it's easy to cut the strings. We haven't been a "couple" for some time. We have grown into different people. Difficult to do this to my child though.

Anyway, I've found this board to be understanding and real, and I need a dose of reality.

*HUGS* My dad was like your DH. I don't understand how or why my mom stayed, life was much easier w/o him. Your DS is young enough that you can get out now without too much trauma. My thoughts are this-- do it now or sooner than later before it gets bad. You already know you can pay the bills w/o his income (same w/ my mom) so you're ten steps ahead of the game. Come to think of it, my good fruend went through the same thing with her no ex-DH. She's doing much better without him!

*hugs* again...

 

[It'sWDW4me]

My ex was the very same way with the exception that he had a job. Not a very good job and he quit (tried to claim he was laid off but I don't believe that) when DS was 1 but he went to school for HVAC and got a job when he finished school. But he couldn't be bothered with our son when I was around. Heck, he tried to get me to leave work to take DS to the Dr even though he was already home for the day and only parked on the couch in front of the tube. I did not let that one fly.

I also came to the conclusion that I was a married, single mother. But I got tired of taking care of two "helpless" children, only one of whom I had given birth. So I decided to divorce one of them. Less dishes to wash, less loads of laundry, less groceries to buy, less daily annoyances ..... same amount of emotional and household chore support.

Definitely get a lawyer involved. Since your child is so young, your husband probably won't push too hard for visitation or custody. Go for full legal custody and full physical custody (been there, didn't do that, lived to regret it). If he does push for partial custody, fight like heck to make sure you retain "primary" custody status. This will help you down the road should your ex hook up with and marry a pushy, controlling, imposing, boundary-overstepping witch (with a capital B).

 

[Disney Doll]

Bolded below

I do have my own little hidden nest egg already, and my checking account is in my name only.

Get your nest egg out of your name if it is in your name. Keep the least amount of money possible in your checking account. In the divorce, he will go after you for alimony and since you have been the sole support of the household for X number of years, he may get it.

I have to plan before I take action. Yes you do. And plan very carefully so that you retain as much of your assets as possible. The trick is to look like you don't have much on paper. Hence the reason having a trusted person whose name you can use for accounts etc. is so important.

 

[ChrizJen]

I agree with everyone here about getting a good lawyer but are we really suggesting here that he could get custody of this kid? The man doesn't even have a job and I don't think lazy qualifies as a disability.

OP: You said your child is 4. Does he go to preschool. If he goes to preschool I would suggest you switch shifts at work or going into the private sector. You can use the before and after school care.
If you can't change shifts I would find either a trusted firend or a reliable individual to watch him through the night. When my son was a baby I worked graveyard shift for the first 3 years of his life. My mom watched him at night and I paid her a fair amount just like I would anyone else. I'm not going to lie, it was hard.Then I lucked up and a daylight position came open. Keep your eyes and ears open for a day time position. Good Luck

That's exactly what I was going to suggest. Get him enrolled in preschool and sleep during the hours he's there. A lot of the public schools have at least a half-day preschool program that are free of charge. And then next year (or the year after, depending on when his birthday falls) he'll be in Kindergarten which will make things a lot easier.
And for nights, I know you probably make better money on the night shift, so I wouldn't blame you if you tried to stay on nights at least for a while.
And even if you don't know someone who can keep him while he sleeps, nighttime childcare is usually a lot less espensive than daytime care. Just check around with people you know for home child care providers. You should be able to find a good deal.
You can make it work. It won't be easy for a while, but what you're doing right now isn't easy either. Hugs to you, and kudos for having the strength and conviction to see the problem and try to fix it!!

As for the house...I would do what I can to get the house and sell it. You could use the money, and he shouldn't get it by default. That's not fair and he doesn't deserve ANYTHING that should rightfully be yours. You've already given him enough of yourself!!

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[ChrizJen]

A cautionary tale to think really, really hard about who you choose to have a child with.

Best of luck to you...

Not really helpful...

 

[PigletsMommy]

Are you friends or close with anyone you work with on opposite shifts?

When I worked, I did not have my DD but I would help out a co-worker who worked midnights. Her husband was a lot like yours.

She would get off of work in the morning & bring the child to me... then when I had to go to work I would drop them off to her. It gave her at least 6 hours of solid sleep. Not much, but at least it was something.

I don't know how you feel about craigslist but that is how I got most of the kids I babysit for now. Since I used to work in a field with odd/rotating schedules I'm pretty understanding of how it all works. You may be able to find a SAHM or another single parent who is looking to just make some extra cash or help each other out with watching kids.

Most that I babysit for is either in Nursing or Police, I get referrals from them all the time. Also check with your coworkers... how do they deal with childcare?

 

[kaytieeldr]

I agree with everyone here about getting a good lawyer but are we really suggesting here that he could get custody of this kid?

Not that he could get it, but that he may well try.

 

[LuvOrlando]

You story was hard to read, I'm so sorry you are going through this

I agree with everyone else that you absolutely have to get a lawyer involved and get your son into a childcare arrangement that leaves your husband out of the loop entirely. he might be operating under the impression that you will lose the house to him if he can prove that it's where he cares for your child. If you can show that he is not a the primary caregiver he loses leverage.

I know every state is different but in most states anything inherited is not considered part of a married couples community property. As long as you keep what you may get from your Grandma separate he can't touch it, but if you use it to buy communal things like a car, TV ect he could claim a right to it. In all honesty, you are probably much better off getting the divorce while your Grandmothers estate is still tied up because, if I understand you properly, nothing of hers is technically yours so none of it will get tied up in your divorce. Your husband can't point to the house and count it as an asset of yours because it isn't.

I would hold off on telling your Dad you don't want the house. Move out, get another place and get this one scrubbed top to bottom once your husband is out of it. You might discover that the house isn't the problem, the fact your husband is in it is, so maybe once he's gone you and the hoarding mess is removed you and your son could build a nice little life there with few expenses.

Good luck

 

[ENSOCK]

If you can go to the local bank and open a safety deposit box in your name only. Noone knows what is in the box but you. You can keep monies and important papers in there. You will not have any interest earned but your nest egg will be safe.

I would keep the house and just clean it. Start with kicking him out along with his junk, then junk everything else. Clean sweep and you will not have rent to pay on top of other bills.

Good Luck & God Bless!

 

[holycow]

I think you stayed to long. You sound like an intelligent person if you put yourself through nursing school so why in the heck are you doing your "DH" homework??????


good luck!

 

[MomRN]

The house is still owed on. Really, that is a whole other issue in itself. It's value is more than what is owed. Eventually, that will have to get worked out with the estate. Do I really want to assume the mortgage on this house, even if it really is a "good deal?" Not really. When my grandma bought it, it was perfect for the situation (my dh and I stayed in the above garage apartment, my sd in the guest room on weekends, and her in the main bedroom). It's a 2 bedroom, 2 bath house with an above the garage studio apartment with no bathroom. It's just not the ideal family house. Plus it sits on over an acre with lots of yard work.

I just really want my own little hole in the wall. Maybe not even own anything right away, because I don't want to have to deal with repairs and such that comes up with owning a home. I mean, right now if a sink gets clogged past the point of Draino, I don't know what to do.

And my boy is in preschool Tues-Fri 11:00 to 3:00. Our school district only offers half day kindergarden, but I could probably get him in another district that offers full day....

So much to think about, to consider.

 

[hambirg]

Every morning when you get up, tell yourself, "I deserve more."

One more thing, I understand how you feel about the house. . .BUT if it has an apartment (even without the bathroom) you could rent it (to a nursing student perhaps) in exchange for being with your son at night. That would solve a lot of your problems at first. I think it would be a win win for everyone. Just something to think about.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Sometimes you can be so busy, you do what you have to to get things done. You have to be so focused to get through, you don't have a lot of energy for anything else. It isn't until you look back that the "annoyances" really add up. It happens like that in a lot of areas of our lives.

I had a medical thing like that happened like that. Under different circumstances, I would've paid more attention (not saying you weren't OP). There was so much going on, I dealt with the symptoms as they occurred, not the issue.

Anyway, I wish you the best. I'm sorry for what you are going through. You sound clear headed and sure of yourself. Plan well for the future.

 

[bumbershoot]

OP I'm sorry, what a rotten situation.

I didn't leave and kick myself every day for having waited..... I'm now waiting for DD to go to college, then I'm out of here. Believe me, I know personally how easy it is for everyone to give advice when they're not in the situation.

I haven't been in the situation as an adult, but as a person whose stepdad left over the summer before college, and then I was taken to college after which my mom uprooted everything to remarry across the country.

That was rather...disruptive. If it had all happened the year prior to that, at least I would have been used to the situation (though graduating in Miami vs San Jose would have been interesting). As it was, I left home, then had no home.

You're already regretting waiting. Why continue the wait? Our situation was different b/c stepdad didn't have responsibilities to pay for college, and then second stepdad didn't either, so having their money on mom's taxes was a complicating factor...but it's going to be complicated no matter what. So if it's finances, know it's going to be weird anyway, and you might as well start getting used to the finance weirdness for college now.

Arbitrary dates like that...make no sense. Give your daughter a chance to see you happy BEFORE she moves out of the house...

Not really helpful...

Helpful for others. And as someone who has made mistakes and has shared them, it can feel good to know that you can be a help to others.

. . .BUT if it has an apartment (even without the bathroom) you could rent it (to a nursing student perhaps) in exchange for being with your son at night. That would solve a lot of your problems at first. I think it would be a win win for everyone. Just something to think about.

Intriguing idea!

 

[wvjules]

I guess I need to vent...cry...take action... do something.

Things are not going good at home and i don't know what to do, when to do it, or how I should do it. I'm in an enabling situation, and I need to get out.

Geesh, this is such a long story I don't even know where to start. Let's back up about 5 years since that's where the real resentment comes in. That was when I was in nursing school, found out I was pregnant, and my husband was unemployed. When the baby was born he wouldn't watch him when I went to school or work- the baby went to daycare. I think he had a baby phobia.

I wrapped my son up bright and early to get to clinicals at 6am. I woke up to feed him in the middle of the night. I figured out finances, I don't even know how, but my grandma was there to help. My husband was still unemployed.

Fast forward 5 years, my son is 4. My husband is still unemployed, but going to school. Yet, 9 of his 12 credit hours is on-line, and I'm doing them. I'm working full-time, doing his homework, maintaining the finances, doing the housework and childcare when I'm off... everything a single parent would do except I'm not a single parent.

The icing on the cake came this week, when the day I was out of surgery I had to pay my step-daughter to help my son with a bath (and gave him a bath myself everyday after that), continued housework when able... well, nothing changed. Then the cherry on the top comes when he complains that he has to get up early to go to school one day (he has to be there one day a week, at 9am).

I told him last year I was divorcing him once my son was able to talk well enough to tell me the stuff he does and I think that time has came.
For me, it's easy to cut the strings. We haven't been a "couple" for some time. We have grown into different people. Difficult to do this to my child though.

Anyway, I've found this board to be understanding and real, and I need a dose of reality.

What does this mean? Stuff your DH does to your son? Bad stuff your DH does? What? I'm confused.

 

[sunnyday123]

Who is taking care of him now, and what shift are you currently working? I think it would be very difficult to work all night (with him sleeping most of the time he's in childcare) and then trying to be up with him during the day (when he would likely be awake). I'm not too sure how you could make that work.

Is there any way you can change your hours? Bear in mind too, he's been off while you've been working the past 5 years so alimony may come into play.

 

[C.Ann]

I'd say that if you are fairly certain you'll be leaving, start preparing now.

Start saving money. Save it in someone else's name if you have to...ie-your mother or a trusted friend.

A woman I worked with years ago was in a situation where her husband was unfaithful and she knew it, but needed to stay with him for a certain amount because of healthcare coverage for their disabled child. While she was still staying with him, she made sure she took all the extra $$ she could from the household budget etc. and she bought savings bonds in her mother's name. When she did finally leave him, she had a nice little nest egg. You might want to consider buying them for your child with you as co-owner. Or, if you have someone you trust enough buy them in their name and just hang on to them.

Open a savings account in the name of someone you trust and deposit as much $$ as you can to it during this time when you know you are leaving but haven't gone yet.

If there are things in the house that are sentimental to you (ie-pictures, jewelry, stuff like that) get them out now and store them with someone. Obviously you can't take big noticeable stuff, but smaller, less noticeable things could probably go without him realizing it.

In other words, you have some time to prepare, so prepare.

I agree..

I'm normally all for doing everything to try to save a marriage first, but quite honestly it doesn't sound like you love him anymore - and haven't for a long time.. (Not being critical - I can see where that may have happened..)

I also think that you're better off getting out of this situation while your child is very young.. It's always hard on the kids, but does seem to be an easier adjustment when they're much younger..

Good luck..

 

[hentob]

, 9 of his 12 credit hours is on-line, and I'm doing them.

Then the cherry on the top comes when he complains that he has to get up early to go to school one day (he has to be there one day a week, at 9am).
.

when the day I was out of surgery I had to pay my step-daughter to help my son with a bath.

When the baby was born he wouldn't watch him when I went to school or work- the baby went to daycare/.

It was more like he saw I was getting things done while he could sit back and do nothing... and he did.

He has been in trouble with the law before, has a felony.

Right now he lives off his excess in grants and student loans. I draw the line at giving him money for gas and cigarettes..

He's not a bad dad.

Actually, he sounds like an awful dad. An awful husband. An awful person.



You seem like you are a smart and ambitious woman. Time to get your life back, honey

IDifficult to do this to my child though.

Oh, it seems like you are doing your child a favor