I Understand Why Animals/Birds Kick Out Their Young

[hentob]

The OP stated very clearly in this thread that he has been with her since the end of April...about 3 weeks.

Yes, but the OP also stated last year that he did not have a home and stayed with her.

So, I wonder what the truth is?

 

[wvjules]

Yes, but the OP also stated last year that he did not have a home and stayed with her.

So, I wonder what the truth is?

They are both the truth. lol

From what I remember from last year he gave up his apartment when he begain driving the trucks. No sense in paying for a place to live when you'd only be there for a few days a month. At that point he "moved in" with them.

So he techinically "lived" there but didn't really live there last year whereas this year he is actually living there.

 

[Motherofboys]

Yes, but the OP also stated last year that he did not have a home and stayed with her.

So, I wonder what the truth is?

She also stated that her son was driving over the road truck, which makes perfect sense.

Why rent a place if you aren't going to be there most of the time?

So he would stay with her when he was off the road. Not all that hard to understand.

All OP is asking for is respect, courtesy, and some gratitude from her son who she has helped out a lot more than most parents would.

If he has other siblings, I'm sure that they aren't thrilled with the situation either. I know that quite a few families have issues with sibling drama b/c one child is sucking up the resources of mom and dad instead of acting like a responsible adult.

 

[disykat]

I guess if you have children and you work 60 hours a week, when do you have time for "fun"?

Why is he ENTITLED to time by himself?

.

I wonder about that too. IMO, right now working and visitation with his kids are about all he has time for. Haven't all of us had times like that?

Yes, but the OP also stated last year that he did not have a home and stayed with her.

So, I wonder what the truth is?

THIS TIME he's been there three weeks full time. It sounds like he's bounced in and out for a while part time. It also sounds like the financial drain has been going on for a while. This is not all about the three weeks!

 

[Mkrop]

I guess if you have children and you work 60 hours a week, when do you have time for "fun"?

Why is he ENTITLED to time by himself?

Shouldn't you be spending that time being a father?

I often wonder why some people have children.

What parents are never entitled to have fun DH and I have been doing it all wrong when on occasion we have fun. We spend lots of time being a family and doing fun things together. DH works lots of hours but still finds time to be a dad, a coach and himself!!!!

His kids live with their mom, he probably gets them one night a week and every other weekend, he goes to thier sporting events, on his other nights he is not allowed to have any fun I am not saying be a party animal but he can have fun or GF or whatever of the nights he is not with his kids.

My friend was the custodial parent but when her kids went to be with thier dad, that is when she had her dates or when we would do a girls night out.

Yes, but the OP also stated last year that he did not have a home and stayed with her.

So, I wonder what the truth is?

He has been living with her FT for 3 weeks, prior to that he was an on the road truck driver and would only live with her when he was in town, about once a month if I recall the thread correctly.

 

[hentob]

Meh. I guess the son sounds like an irresponsible grown up to me.

It also sounds like the OP created this situation and now doesn't know how to stop it.

As for "entitled to fun"..If you work 60+ hours a week and have time for a girlfirend, where do your own children fit in?

 

[MIGrandma]

Sad.

Wonder how the OP would feel if it were her son calling for help and the adult gf turned him down because her mommy didn't "care about his safety" or didn't want him to possibly puke in her car?

So many high and mighties around today. Stuff like this is exactly how you drive your son away and into the arms of the chick you don't like.

Oh good grief! If it were my son I would expect him to stay at his best friend's house and sleep it off and not call anyone to take him home, which is exactly what the girlfriend should have done. Now if he were at a bar and had too much to drink, that's different. I would go and get him, but wouldn't be happy to do it at his age. He should be more mature than that.

Op, I can't help but wonder if you are not trying to control him just a bit? I mean I can understand being unhappy with his choices, but his choice of girlfriends is not really effecting you is it? I have been unhappy with a few of my son's choices in the past, so I can certainly relate; but then I have to remind myself that if their choices are not directly effecting me then they are really none of my business.

If this had been his best friend that had called for a ride, would you have been upset? Or is it just your dislike for the girl? I have btdt and know that its hard not to be upset when he does something for someone you don't approve of. I have thought my tongue would bleed many, many times from being bitten!

I would just say to him that you need a limit on how long he will be using you car and how long he will need to stay with you. He should be able to give you some kind of time frame at least the first one. And then during that time, just back up and allow him to make his own choices. That's really all you can do anyway.

No, I'm not trying to control him. He has lived right next door to us, in a separate house, for many years. Do you think he would have done that if I was a controlling parent? I don't think so. We have never interferred with his life, or given unsolicited advice. We've let him live his own life and make his own choices. They were his to make, and his to deal with if they didn't work out. But now that he is living in OUR house, driving MY car, and we are helping him to pay off bills, etc. I do feel we should have more say in what goes on. So, no if his choices weren't affecting me, I wouldn't say a word. But since they ARE affecting us now, I think we have a right to voice our opinions.

And if it would have been his best guy friend that called wanting him to pick him up, I would have felt the same way. Stay at your friend's, sleep it off, and drive yourself home the next morning. Or better yet, don't get drunk period.

In this thread that she posted last year, the OP says that her son stays with her and "let his rental house go".

Seems like more than 3 weeks to me

OP--I think your son needs to grow up a bit. I feel for you

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2328872

Yes, you are right. Our son started trucking last September and that is when he gave up his rental house. He was only coming home once a month for 2-4 days, so we agreed to let him stay here, and have his children here as well. At that time we didn't really feel like he was LIVING with us though, like he is now. His real "HOME" was his truck, where he spent most of his time. When he was here it was more like he was "just visiting" because he was only here a couple days or so a month. That lasted until April 14, when he came back here for good and we let him move in since he didn't have his own place yet.

They are both the truth. lol

From what I remember from last year he gave up his apartment when he begain driving the trucks. No sense in paying for a place to live when you'd only be there for a few days a month. At that point he "moved in" with them.

So he techinically "lived" there but didn't really live there last year whereas this year he is actually living there.

Exactly!

 

[Mkrop]

Meh. I guess the son sounds like an irresponsible grown up to me.

It also sounds like the OP created this situation and now doesn't know how to stop it.

As for "entitled to fun"..If you work 60+ hours a week and have time for a girlfirend, where do your own children fit in?

Most likely when the court deems them to fit in. He cant demand to see them when his visitation is not scheduled. Say he gets them on Wed and every other weekend, that is a lot of night and weekend time that he does not have them. Even if he does make efforts to go to events and stuff that is a lot of nights where you are not the primary parent.

 

[MIGrandma]

Most likely when the court deems them to fit in. He cant demand to see them when his visitation is not scheduled. Say he gets them on Wed and every other weekend, that is a lot of night and weekend time that he does not have them. Even if he does make efforts to go to events and stuff that is a lot of nights where you are not the primary parent.

Actually, the court has never been involved with custody of his two oldest (16 and 14) children (that he had with his ex-wife, the first being born when he was a senior in high school). They worked out their own agreement and each had the children a week at a time, from Friday to Friday. It worked out wonderfully that way, and continued that way until this past September when he started driving truck over-the-road. With his youngest, he would get him every Wednesday evening for 4-hours, and every other weekend.

Right now, with him not having his own place, he gets all 3 of his children every other weekend and they come here.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Op, I can't help but wonder if you are not trying to control him just a bit? I mean I can understand being unhappy with his choices, but his choice of girlfriends is not really effecting you is it? I have been unhappy with a few of my son's choices in the past, so I can certainly relate; but then I have to remind myself that if their choices are not directly effecting me then they are really none of my business.

If this had been his best friend that had called for a ride, would you have been upset? Or is it just your dislike for the girl? I have btdt and know that its hard not to be upset when he does something for someone you don't approve of. I have thought my tongue would bleed many, many times from being bitten!

I would just say to him that you need a limit on how long he will be using you car and how long he will need to stay with you. He should be able to give you some kind of time frame at least the first one. And then during that time, just back up and allow him to make his own choices. That's really all you can do anyway.

This post pretty much sums up my feelings on the issue.
Good luck to you in ironing all of this out. It sounds like you are under a lot of stress and it DOES sound like your son has taken advantage of you for a long while now (I remember a prior thread where you had to be on call to watch his kids in case he had to have you watch them while he went somewhere that wasn't work--hunting r fishing maybe?--and could therefore not watch your other grandchildren; so I think this type of behavior has gone on a long while now), but it ALSO sounds like you are trying to control aspects of his life that are absolutely not your business--I wonder if treating him like a child in those ways (lecturing him about sleep time and who he dates) further encourages the immature and childlike behavior that has resulted in him needing to live with you and owing you a ton of money


I think you DO need to sit down with your son (and your DH) and set up very clear rules and guidelines as to when he will be moving out. It should be explicitly stated that money is to be saved--not spent on going out to dinner or whatever.
Valid rules would be:
1.limits on driving the car. How many miles can he put on it per week (look at mileage to/from work and kids and figure out an average, add a bit more for whatever and then stick to it)? Who pays for gas? Insurance? Deductible on wrecks (I think he should pay that NOW)? Keeping it clean.
2.Time line for when he will be out of your home. Personally I would make him fork over the vast majority of his pay to you to hold until there is enough to buy a car and move out. That way he cannot decide to blow it all on something frivolous. I would also look on craigslist and see what the going rate is for a roomates and tell him when he has a car (and be very clear on how long you are willing to wait for that--he does not need a NICE car) he needs to move into a roomate situation (cheaper and often does not require first and last months rent or as large of deposits) until he can afford to get his own place--you will not be his fallback forever. Set a time he has to move out regardless of whether or not he has enough money to do so.
3.Ways he needs to help around the house.
4.Food and utilities. Who pays what?
5. House rules that would be typical and are acceptable to many adult people. Things you also follow and which directly affect others in the home. Things like no overnight guests (other than his kids), not being loud (quietly going in or out or even cooking should not be a true issue--maybe you need ear plugs and closed doors) during certain hours, no smoking, no drugs, no sex, etc.

Beyond things that directly apply to the other occupants of the house (and to which you are willing to adhere as well) there is NO REASON at all to try to control his life. You need to step back and realize you have no valid say in who he dates, how much sleep he gets (I think you are more obcessed over his sleep than I am over my 13 year old's).

 

[NHdisneylover]

Hey, I saw your post about the new wal mart and was wondering how things are going. Were you able to sit down with your husband and son and iron out rules you can ALL live with?