I Need Your Opinion...

[ThreeMusketeers]

A little background..
In July..DH and I decided to ask my parents if they would like us to come down and spend Christmas with them this year. (We live 4 hours away, we thought this would be a treat for them, having little ones in the house for xmas morning again) DD is 5, and she is really "beliveing" and enjoying all the magic right now. Anywho..they agreed and seemed excited.
I have one sister who I havne't gotten along with in years, we have always had our differences and my parents know this. And just Recently, as in a month ago. My sister and her boyfriend decided to call my husband and I up, and complain about EVERYTHING that has ever happened btwn us. (this is after I turned my entire life around to be there for her (a sister that dosen't talk to me) when she had her baby in September, i moved heaven and earth to be there for her that day, and she was calling to tell me it wasn't good enough. And that as her sister I should do more. ect. ect. And also called dh and i choice names (she and her fiance did). Long story short..she is very self absorbed, the world revolves around me kind of person. Anyhow..My parents knew the logistics of all of this. As we are a close family and well..questions are asked and awnsered.
Fast Forward to today..I get a call from my sister, who is telling me that now she is going to be at my parents house on xmas morning as well. She told my parents, and they actually cancelled the party that they were going to go to that afternoon b/c their kids would both be home.
I am really upset. I don't want to spend christmas with people that hate us. And I also feel betrayed that my parents didn't even ask my opinion on the issue (mostly b/c they know of the issues with my sister and I), as we are "giving up" a christmas at home to spend with them,(which i was happily excited to do until now.)
I am just not sure how to handle this. I feel like we only get a few years when dd is little enough to enjoy the magic and I don't want to give a year up to have the day be awkward. Although, i don't want to hurt anyone, while telling them how I feel about this issue.

What do you think?
Is there any "good" way to handle this?

 

[mom2aredhead]

Christmas is a holiday for family and I'm sure that it would make your parents very happy to have the whole family together. Kind of like the Thanksgiving I just had at my parents with my brother and sis-in-law from hell. There are some people you are forced to deal with in life that are just awful, and unfortunately she's a relative.

Just suck it up and go to make your parents happy. Chalk it up as one of those life lessons where you are the better person, and it will buy you a few years that you can do whatever you want for the holidays.

Drink lots of wine while you're there, make sure you're always "busy" cleaning up in the kitchen, tending to the kids, etc. so that you don't get cornered in a conversation that you're uncomfortable with. Whatever you do, try not to get your parents in the middle of it. As much as I despise the way my brother and his princess treat my mother and the rest of our family, I would never put my parents in the middle of a fight with either of my siblings. It's just immature and wrong.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

My 2 cents....your parents probably didn't want to 'ask' your 'opinion' because they knew it already... but...they are parents to BOTH of you... and shouldn't be put in a position to choose which child comes home for the holidays
(I've been in a similar situation with my mom and sister before...so I've gotten past it enough to say that)..

That said...go home....and be as mature as possible. Don't be the one to ruin Xmas for your parents and the kids... if your sister does...so be it.
Then, your parents will understand why next Xmas you will be at YOUR house

 

[npmommie]

Well I will be the odd man out here and say have christmas at home in your own house with your kids and hubby, make your own family memories, the kids are little only a short time, spend holidays happy and stress free. drive to see your parents the day after christmas.....the kids will then get "two" days of presents and excitement, and you will get the holiday stress free with your own family.
just my 2 cents and what i would do. life is too short to spend it with anyone family or not that makes us uncomfortable and unhappy.

 

[minkydog]

I think your parents have the right to invite anyone they want for Christmas without checking with you first. Granted, they probably knew you would not like it if they told you your sister was coming. That's why they didn't tell you--they didn't want to hear it. They just want to have their girls home, together, hoping that magically the spirit of the season will make everything right.

You have a couple choices--take the kids to your parents' like you planned and make the best of things. It would make your parents so happy to have their girls home! Or you can stay home and enjoy your little ones by yourselves and just go see the grandparents another time. If you can take the high road and be pleasant toward with the people you dislike, take option #1. If spending the holiday with your sister is just impossible and you feel there might be a scene, take option #2.

Either way, someone is going to be hurt. Decide who it's gonna be.

 

[disykat]

Well I will be the odd man out here and say have christmas at home in your own house with your kids and hubby, make your own family memories, the kids are little only a short time, spend holidays happy and stress free. drive to see your parents the day after christmas.....the kids will then get "two" days of presents and excitement, and you will get the holiday stress free with your own family.
just my 2 cents and what i would do. life is too short to spend it with anyone family or not that makes us uncomfortable and unhappy.

I'd do the same thing. Just say, given the situation, you'll let them have a nice visit with your sister. If they complain, remind them that your dd is an age where having "choice words" thrown about on Christmas morning is not something you want her to experience. I remember your other post and I think spending Christmas together at this point is a little too risky. You can control your own behavior, but you can't control hers.

 

[peemagg]

Here's the first thing that came to my mind about this. I would still go. You never know what tomorrow will bring. What if this could be one of the last christmas's for your parents? I feel that alone can make the unbearable bearable.

 

[brymolmom]

I think I would go anyway.

I have a different situation in my family that leads to a very similar end result. I have an older brother who has been a drug addict for many years - he has stolen from everyone we know, used our mom at every possible opportunity, caused all of us he$$ when he would disappear for days on end and we would assume he was dead. Anyway - my whole take on this is 'tough love' and my mother's take is definitely anything but tough. In some ways I can see where she's coming from but it definitely does not help with her enabling.

So, family functions (we all live in the same city) - have been very touchy over the years. I decided a long time ago that since he is mom's son - she is very allowed to invite him to events at her house and I can choose whether or not I want to go (and whether I decide to bring my kids). More times than not - I do decide to go to the event in spite of my brother attending. You see - who knows if this will be my mom's LAST Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day.....etc. And if I made my own decision NOT to join her for that day and it was her last one - I would not be happy about it. I would likely find a way to blame my brother as I tend to do....but truly, it would have been my own decision keeping me away.

So, if it was me - I would probably go this year. If it turns out horrible then make sure to mention to your mom that you're having Christmas at your house next year - and that way you are allowed to invite (or not invite) anyone who you choose.

So the way I would look at it is this - if you decide not to go (since your parents sound so excited to have 'everyone' at their house - i'm sure this would leave them upset and not have the kind of christmas they are anticipating) - How would you feel if this upset kind of Christmas ended up being your parents' last one? Sorry to be morbid - but this is the way I think since truly none of us knows if this will be our last...

 

[3jsmommy]

I think you should call your sister ahead of time & tell her that you want it to be a really nice holiday for everyone & you will NOT subject your kids to fighting or tension.
If she agrees that you will BOTH give your best effort for the sake of the family, then I would go & try to hold up my end of the bargain.
She is going to be your sister forever, I lost my younger sister & my older sis can be VERY difficult at times, but we haven't fought in years, I know now that life is too short, sometimes you just have to accept people for what they are. I just laugh now at alot of the stuff she does or says that in the past I would have gotten mad at her for.

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[HopperFan]

Well I will be the odd man out here and say have christmas at home in your own house with your kids and hubby, make your own family memories, the kids are little only a short time, spend holidays happy and stress free. drive to see your parents the day after christmas.....the kids will then get "two" days of presents and excitement, and you will get the holiday stress free with your own family.
just my 2 cents and what i would do. life is too short to spend it with anyone family or not that makes us uncomfortable and unhappy.

I agree. Those early years are gone in a flash, I know as my baby nears 15 . Some of us wait all year for that morning of those precious few Santa hours. No way I would spend it in that situation. This is not Thanksgiving, which is just a time to be together, that you can tolerate and you can redirect your kids to another room or activity if things go sour. This is the magical time for children and should be filled with happiness. I can tell you I still remember as a child waking up at our house but immediately after breakfast traveling to Grands and all I wanted to do was be in my house. I hated those trips. Don't get me wrong, I adored my grandparents but wanted to stay home. It is still as an adult the most coveted time of the holiday. Our immediate family stays home, in pajamas, taking our time with our gifts, laughing and enjoying. We don't leave the house until the evening to go spend with extended family. I have had my wonderful day, and whatever the evening brings is fine.

Fortunately this is not a situation of you vs inlaw....it is your sister and you have every right to make the decision based on her behavior. You can leave it that you realize Santa really needs to come to your house. And then offer an alternative of holiday gathering....maybe the Saturday/Sunday after Christmas. Gives the kids another special time with their grandparents. If you sister decides to show up, fine, at least it's not your special time for your child. Maybe having a gathering on a non-holiday will create a more relaxing environment and will not bring out the worst.

 

[momz]

My MIL lives about 4 hours from us as well. when i first met her, i didn't really like her at all, that first weekend at her house was pretty uncomfortable. But, after that, I realized that this is my husband's mother, and she deserves my respect. I decided that because it is so seldom that we are together (about 3-4 times/year for a weekend each time) that i can be polite and put up with anything for those weekends. Consequently, each visit gets a little easier. I am in her home, and I will participate in her life the way she lives it. I've grown to love the woman, and even look forward to our trips to visit. although, i'm more than ready for the weekend to be over once we get there. bottom line, you're talking about visiting your parents in their home. if you change your mindset from "what does this mean to me and my family" to "what does this mean to my parents", then you will have a much easier time at just being polite and perhaps the next visit will be a little easier. Certainly, you know what to expect from your sister, and she will probably behave as you are used to. All you can control is your own response to her. If you continue to "just be polite" and don't take the bait and argue, then eventually (i hope for you) she will learn to "just be polite" as well. And it will get better.

 

[GoinToDisney]

A small part of me wants to say not to go if you think there will be tension, but I just can't. I think that your 5 year-old is still going to have a nice time. I would give anything to have one more Christmas with my grandparents. I almost lost my mom in a car accident and refuse to spend a single Christmas day without her. Dec 25th is also her bday. I say if you can... compromise. If possible, I would go down and spend a few days, so you have time alone with your parents. If your sister plans to stay the same days, I would get a hotel room and only stay at your parents' house Christmas Eve. Even if she will only be there that night and Christmas day, I would try figure out some way to get out of the house without your sister and even your parents. Maybe eat at a restaurant for lunch and go for a drive. I don't know what is available, but if there is tension, I would need a break. Maybe a drive after dinner to see Christmas lights. I'd be sure to be there for Christmas morning and dinner or whatever the big meal is. Will your mom help keep your sister in check? I would tell your mom that you don't want any fighting around your dd ahead of time and ask her to help you keep the peace. If aunt so and so is being bratty, just show your dd exactly how you would want her to act in that situation.

 

[mom2aredhead]

Here's the first thing that came to my mind about this. I would still go. You never know what tomorrow will bring. What if this could be one of the last christmas's for your parents? I feel that alone can make the unbearable bearable.

I totally agree. My mom was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year. I don't know how many more holidays there will be for us together, so we suck it up and do whatever makes her happy...within reason. Fortunately she has not made any unreasonable requests - I don't think "be nice to your brother and his wife for 5 hours" is unreasonable. Others may disagree.

 

[bookgirl]

A little background..
In July..DH and I decided to ask my parents if they would like us to come down and spend Christmas with them this year. (We live 4 hours away, we thought this would be a treat for them, having little ones in the house for xmas morning again) DD is 5, and she is really "beliveing" and enjoying all the magic right now. Anywho..they agreed and seemed excited.
I have one sister who I havne't gotten along with in years, we have always had our differences and my parents know this. And just Recently, as in a month ago. My sister and her boyfriend decided to call my husband and I up, and complain about EVERYTHING that has ever happened btwn us. (this is after I turned my entire life around to be there for her (a sister that dosen't talk to me) when she had her baby in September, i moved heaven and earth to be there for her that day, and she was calling to tell me it wasn't good enough. And that as her sister I should do more. ect. ect. And also called dh and i choice names (she and her fiance did). Long story short..she is very self absorbed, the world revolves around me kind of person. Anyhow..My parents knew the logistics of all of this. As we are a close family and well..questions are asked and awnsered.
Fast Forward to today..I get a call from my sister, who is telling me that now she is going to be at my parents house on xmas morning as well. She told my parents, and they actually cancelled the party that they were going to go to that afternoon b/c their kids would both be home.
I am really upset. I don't want to spend christmas with people that hate us. And I also feel betrayed that my parents didn't even ask my opinion on the issue (mostly b/c they know of the issues with my sister and I), as we are "giving up" a christmas at home to spend with them,(which i was happily excited to do until now.)
I am just not sure how to handle this. I feel like we only get a few years when dd is little enough to enjoy the magic and I don't want to give a year up to have the day be awkward. Although, i don't want to hurt anyone, while telling them how I feel about this issue.

What do you think?
Is there any "good" way to handle this?

You can't blame your parents, they shouldn't have to choose between thier kids. You have to decide what's more important, Christmas with them or your peace of mind. I say you call and tell them you really can't handle any drama with your sister and that you will not subject your kid to her. Remind them that you love them and that you do not blame them. But you have to make choices for you child's well being. Maybe you can drive down and spend one night with them so that you have the minimum time with your sister but your parents get a nice morning with your daughter.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Thank you for all your replies...

I have no problem with seeing my sister on christmas day, of course she is their daughter to. BUT, we were doing something OUT OF THE ORDINARY and spending xmas morning with my parents this year (something we made plans to do with them in July, b/c we thought we were giving them the gift of having little feet running around again on xmas morning all excited about santa) I am upset b/c they went ahead and invited the sister that I hate over that morning as well. W/o even so much as asking me my thoughts or feelings.(after all, this is my family's xmas too, not just my parents, they never did anything like this for their parents, dd is our one and only and we really feel like we are "giving up a year of youthful holiday memories" to share with the grandparents, something which goes away WAY to fast!)My sister has said she is showing up at 6 am!!! I would like a little time to enjoy "santa's gifts with dd before the whirlwind from hell came through the door. I DON"T THINK THAT IS ASKING TO MUCH! Maybe I am a terriable daughter, but I really think that they should have had the curteousy to ask me before inviting her over that early. After all, I am sharing MY FAMILY's christmas with them as well. And DON"T OWE them anything. Was just doing this to be nice. And don't feel that I should have to share those early xmas morning memories with people that don't like us to begin with.

FF to today, when i called my sister up and asked her nicely, if she would give us until at least 10 am to come to mom and dad's house, as we really just wanted to enjoy our dd opening up santa gifts, playing with her new toys..ect. w/o any interuptions or distractions. And we were abadoning alot of our own personal traditions this year to spend it with mom and dad, and I would appreciate it greatly if she could just hold off on coming down until around 10.
WELL..she told me, that she is sorry, but she will be coming down when she planned (6am) b/c HER CHILD is on a schedule and will ride better at that time.

Okay then..what do you say to that? I am SO UPSET now!! I really don't want to go. But I really don't want to hurt my parents. I know they would be crushed, but I don't want to spend the entire day angry instead of happy that its christmas. This has just turned into a nightmare!!

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I agree. Those early years are gone in a flash, I know as my baby nears 15 . Some of us wait all year for that morning of those precious few Santa hours. No way I would spend it in that situation. This is not Thanksgiving, which is just a time to be together, that you can tolerate and you can redirect your kids to another room or activity if things go sour. This is the magical time for children and should be filled with happiness. I can tell you I still remember as a child waking up at our house but immediately after breakfast traveling to Grands and all I wanted to do was be in my house. I hated those trips. Don't get me wrong, I adored my grandparents but wanted to stay home. It is still as an adult the most coveted time of the holiday. Our immediate family stays home, in pajamas, taking our time with our gifts, laughing and enjoying. We don't leave the house until the evening to go spend with extended family. I have had my wonderful day, and whatever the evening brings is fine.

Fortunately this is not a situation of you vs inlaw....it is your sister and you have every right to make the decision based on her behavior. You can leave it that you realize Santa really needs to come to your house. And then offer an alternative of holiday gathering....maybe the Saturday/Sunday after Christmas. Gives the kids another special time with their grandparents. If you sister decides to show up, fine, at least it's not your special time for your child. Maybe having a gathering on a non-holiday will create a more relaxing environment and will not bring out the worst.

I really appreciate this. As this is what I feel. (i am the kind of person that waits all year for those few waking hours of santa time, it seems so magical) As awful as this is going to sound, i keep getting the impression that my parents feel that " i owe them this" or almost that they "expect it" don't get me wrong, my parents are very loving people. And they want everyone to just "get along". But they both come from families where they don't talk to any siblings, so you'd think they would understand the awkwardness on such a special morning. (???) I did mention something to them, and my dad just gave me a guilt trip. (what if this is my last xmas, he is only 55. this could be my last christmas!) I don't like the way that conversation went. Instead of addressing what was going on. He just played the guilt card. Now I feel horriable. UGh...sorry...just going on tonight I guess!!

 

[bellebud]

I wouldn't go. Your sis sounds like a piece of work, and you'll be stressing from now till xmas about it, and definitely won't really enjoy your dd's magical xmas morning since you'll rightfully be worried about sis's behavior.

your dad's 55??? don't listen to all the 'what if it's his last xmas' stuff... it could be anyones last xmas for goodness sake, even the youngest in any of our families, and what if their last xmas was ruined by a selfish aunt?

I really don't think christmas morning is the time to see if you and sis can get along. i understand you all don't live close to each other, but no way should christmas morning be a testing ground.

I'd call parents, explain the more you think about it, the more you feel you should stay at your own home for xmas day. And offer to come for a 2nd christmas celebration, w/ sis invited too since this is what your parents are really after. this way if it stinks, christmas wasn't ruined for anyone. and i'm not above lying to spare feelings either, as someone else posted. say what you think is best to your parents to make this as painless as you can for you and them. Maybe dd doesn't want to be out of her house on xmas for fear santa won't find her, and she's really, really, really, really upset about it (just throwing some ideas (lies) out there for you). again, whatever works for you w/ your parents. they probably don't want to hear it's because of sis, and would then feel like they picked her over you, and it will be messy, messy, messy. maybe dh or you just found out you have to work the morning of xmas eve and it will be too hectic to get down there, so let's plan christmas w/ sis for a few days later...

I don't mean to sound mean, but your parents had many years of you and your sis together for xmas when you were growing up, and now you have just a few precious years of your dd 'believing' in the magic of it all. If sis were a reasonable person and you just weren't each others cup of tea, that's different and xmas at your parents would be fine, but that doesn't sound like the case to me. And tell your parents maybe next year they'd like to come up to your house for xmas or something. There are many things you can do as a family, with and without your sis. and it doesn't have to be on the actual day if the spending of time w/ each other is what's really important.

good luck deciding what to do . let us know.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I wouldn't go. Your sis sounds like a piece of work, and you'll be stressing from now till xmas about it, and definitely won't really enjoy your dd's magical xmas morning since you'll rightfully be worried about sis's behavior.

your dad's 55??? don't listen to all the 'what if it's his last xmas' stuff... it could be anyones last xmas for goodness sake, even the youngest in any of our families, and what if their last xmas was ruined by a selfish aunt?

I really don't think christmas morning is the time to see if you and sis can get along. i understand you all don't live close to each other, but no way should christmas morning be a testing ground.

I'd call parents, explain the more you think about it, the more you feel you should stay at your own home for xmas day. And offer to come for a 2nd christmas celebration, w/ sis invited too since this is what your parents are really after. this way if it stinks, christmas wasn't ruined for anyone. and i'm not above lying to spare feelings either, as someone else posted. say what you think is best to your parents to make this as painless as you can for you and them. Maybe dd doesn't want to be out of her house on xmas for fear santa won't find her, and she's really, really, really, really upset about it (just throwing some ideas (lies) out there for you). again, whatever works for you w/ your parents. they probably don't want to hear it's because of sis, and would then feel like they picked her over you, and it will be messy, messy, messy. maybe dh or you just found out you have to work the morning of xmas eve and it will be too hectic to get down there, so let's plan christmas w/ sis for a few days later...

I don't mean to sound mean, but your parents had many years of you and your sis together for xmas when you were growing up, and now you have just a few precious years of your dd 'believing' in the magic of it all. If sis were a reasonable person and you just weren't each others cup of tea, that's different and xmas at your parents would be fine, but that doesn't sound like the case to me. And tell your parents maybe next year they'd like to come up to your house for xmas or something. There are many things you can do as a family, with and without your sis. and it doesn't have to be on the actual day if the spending of time w/ each other is what's really important.

good luck deciding what to do . let us know.

Thank you for your comments! I totally agree. I do want to spare feelings, so I think over the next few weeks, i may have to concauct a lie. I feel so bad though. I really wish that things could have worked out for the best. And you are right, if they want to come to our house for christmas morning that is one thing, but us going to theirs is probobly not a good idea.

 

[gallafamily]

Are we related? I think we have the same sister! Anyways, I agree...I wouldn't go, but I also wouldn't lie to them. I would just explain that you are hurt by the fact that they didn't talk to you about inviting her & also explain that this is your daughter's christmas too. I would not put her in the position to be in a situation that could turn ugly with all the tension.

Like I said, my sister is the exact same way. She got really upset with me because I don't call & talk to her on the phone on a daily basis. I have 4 kids & work shift work, therefore I am not home alot, but when I am, I am busy spending time with my kids as well as trying to keep up with all my duties!

I finally had to just say to her that she would just have to be upset with me. I see her at some family functions, but thankfully she won't come most of the time if she knows that I'm going to be there. She has learned that I'm not going to deal with her selfishness.

Good luck with all that & I hope that your family has a wonderful Christmas!!