I Need Your Opinion...

[HopperFan]

I really appreciate this. As this is what I feel. (i am the kind of person that waits all year for those few waking hours of santa time, it seems so magical) As awful as this is going to sound, i keep getting the impression that my parents feel that " i owe them this" or almost that they "expect it" don't get me wrong, my parents are very loving people. And they want everyone to just "get along". But they both come from families where they don't talk to any siblings, so you'd think they would understand the awkwardness on such a special morning. (???) I did mention something to them, and my dad just gave me a guilt trip. (what if this is my last xmas, he is only 55. this could be my last christmas!) I don't like the way that conversation went. Instead of addressing what was going on. He just played the guilt card. Now I feel horriable. UGh...sorry...just going on tonight I guess!!

And I agree with bellebud Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about enjoying Christmas morning with your child ! Ignore the guilt card ! I would wait a week and then tell them that you didn't realize in July when you made the offer how very important it was going to be for you all to have a quiet Santa morning with your daughter - in her home. That is the truth, and no reason to create more of a situation by even mentioning your sister.

Don't ask, just tell them that you have decided that you will stay at your house during these special years. But make sure you offer up an alternative get together the next weekend or even the weekend before if it works. That you would love a holiday gathering/dinner with everyone, just not on Christmas Day. Put the ball back in their court. Offer a couple dates and tell them to pick what is good for them. If they don't give you a date, their choice, their loss. Make plans to visit them in January or February or better yet, invite them to come visit for a weekend.

That chances of you and your sis having a pleasant visit is more likely on day that is not important for other reasons. I think by your phone call to her, it sounds like she is already preparing to make this a miserable day for you and you deserve better !

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[brymolmom]

WOW - I'm surprised at the differences of opinion. I guess - I would look at it this way - not sure if the OP has more than one child...but when you're older and a grandparent - How would it make you feel if one of your kids changed their minds last minute and kept some of your grandkids from you?

I don't disagree that guilt shouldn't be the major factor here - but this is Christmastime, seriously it shouldn't be too difficult to consider the feelings of others? And a good lesson to teach your kids too? As a parent we give and we give to our kids for many, many years - giving back to them in their older years shouldn't be guilt-driven, it should be natural.

 

[Frantasmic]

I think the OP is setting themselves up for some major enmity from both her parents and her sister. I don't think any concocted story will assauge the truth.

Maybe your parents do feel that you "owe them" a special Christmas morning; at least they recognize the magic of it. They feel that magic can be shared with your sister's family; you do not.

It sounds like you won't have a monopoly on providing your parents grandchildren much further. Your mother has already made a choice (your sister over other's feelings). It won't change much in the future, it appears.

So choose wisely whether you want to fire the first shot in a potentially long war.

 

[EthansMom]

If I were the OP, I would tell my parents, "I know we've been planning on getting together on Christmas Day, but Sis and I aren't getting along right now. I know you've also invited Sis over, but I just don't think I can be around her right now after the hurtful way she's been treating me. Is there another day that my family can come down to visit you?"

Just because it's Christmas, that doesn't mean we have to intentionally expose ourselves to animosity or stress. There's also no law that says we have to visit with our family members ON the exact holiday.

Also, to the OP: Stop trying to deal with Sis, for now. It sounds like she's taking a hard stance on her end. Take a step back and give yourself a breather.

Good Luck!

 

[disykat]

..but when you're older and a grandparent - How would it make you feel if one of your kids changed their minds last minute and kept some of your grandkids from you?

I might be disappointed, but I hope someone gives me a swift kick if I've lost sight of the big picture. I'm teaching my kids that when they are married, their wives and their kids come first, not ME.

 

[tlbwriter]

It sounds like your sister is determined to ruin your Christmas - which is bad enough, but it will also ruin your childrens' Christmas. You don't have to put up with it. People will tell you "it's faaaaamily!" So what? Your husband and children are your immediate family. Do they not deserve a wonderful Christmas? Tell your parents that you are sorry, but you cannot have a happy, love-filled Christmas while she is there, so you are going to stay home. And arrange for them to come visit you.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I might be disappointed, but I hope someone gives me a swift kick if I've lost sight of the big picture. I'm teaching my kids that when they are married, their wives and their kids come first, not ME.

As they should!! (THANK YOU!!)

 

[rt2dz]

I’m sorry you don’t like your sister much and vice versa. I have a sister I don’t like a whole heck of a lot either. She is an awful, horrible, thieving, lying, rotten person. There is no guarantee that siblings will ever get along—either an argument for an only child or a heck of a lot of children to up the odds.

But, that is still your sister. And YOUR PARENTS house. They do not need to check with you about anything first. Do you feel the need to check with you DD first before making decisions? Yes, you made plans a long time ago—when you invited yourself to their house. If you wanted to control the situation, maybe you should have invited them to your house. They still could have had the enjoyment of your daughter who still believes. Your parents are probably thinking this is about love and family (theirs) and not about you. After all, Christmas isn’t about Santa—no matter how much we enjoy our children enjoying Santa. When you invited yourself to your parents’ house, you were giving up your rights to dictate. You were telling them you’d participate in their Christmas. I don’t see how you are giving them such a gift to come four hours and they should be bending down kissing your feet for it.

OK, it’s no secret I’m thinking you’re acting like the selfish one. It’s time to grow up. This isn’t about you, or your sister. It’s about giving something to your parents who have probably given so much to you throughout the years. Think of all you do for your DD. Not that you “owe” them, but don’t you feel some kind of gratefulness? You said it was a close family... Think of giving your DD a year with her grandparents. This could always be their last Christmas—hopefully not—people die at every age for all sorts of reasons. And, let’s face it, it takes two for your sister to cause problems. If you just sit there and listen and say, “Glad you got that off your mind” and move on, it can’t continue. You also have the option of just getting up and leaving the room. What a wonderful way to teach your DD how to handle conflict of that type. And think of the bond you can form with your sister’s child. As my oldest sister always says—“I can’t stand S--, but I adore those kids”.

Of course, if you can’t be the bigger person, then by all means don’t go. Tell your parents you just can’t put aside differences for the day and you’d rather stay home. It will be YOU, not your sister, who is ruining Christmas—for your parents (especially since they already adjusted their plans), for your DD (I’m sure she’s looking forward to spending Christmas with grandparents), and for yourself (obviously you wanted to be at your parents’ house that day). You said your parents don’t talk to their siblings; maybe they’ve come to realize something and don’t want you to make a mistake. But by all means, don’t lie about it. Be honest that you just can’t suck it up. I’m always telling my kids that if you can’t be truthful about something, then you know your actions are wrong. Oh, and sooner or later, you ARE going to have to deal with your sister. Maybe not until the death of one of your parents—but it’s never going to be a good time.

 

[disykat]

I just don't get the whole "suck it up and go be miserable" argument. I agree to be honest, but there's nothing wrong in saying you don't want a stressful Christmas so, given the volatility of the situation with your sister, you've reconsidered and would rather visit at another time.

Be truthful, but do what you need to do for your family. We have lovely visits with our families AFTER Christmas, when the stakes aren't so high. I've never regretted providing stressfree holidays for my children.

 

[rt2dz]

I just don't get the whole "suck it up and go be miserable" argument. I agree to be honest, but there's nothing wrong in saying you don't want a stressful Christmas so, given the volatility of the situation with your sister, you've reconsidered and would rather visit at another time.

Be truthful, but do what you need to do for your family. We have lovely visits with our families AFTER Christmas, when the stakes aren't so high. I've never regretted providing stressfree holidays for my children.

The thing is, her sister can't "do" anything to her if she doesn't play along. It's the just-walk-away arguement. I have a siter like that. We ignore her. We let her do what she wants, but don't participate. It stops her cold. The OP will not be miserable if she does not allow herself to be miserable. If it is truly just her sister's imaginary issues, by ignoring it she'll still have mostly the Christmas she wanted, her parents will have the Christmas they wanted and maybe her sister will just give it up. Besides, how often when we are with families, does everyone just expect everything to go a certain way and people to just act in a certain way. Sometimes, it is nice (for ourselves) to give another chance and keep an open mind. The OP didn't say that she has ever done it so it's not like it's going to be "just another blah, blah, blah."

 

[brymolmom]

I just don't get the whole "suck it up and go be miserable" argument. I agree to be honest, but there's nothing wrong in saying you don't want a stressful Christmas so, given the volatility of the situation with your sister, you've reconsidered and would rather visit at another time.

Be truthful, but do what you need to do for your family. We have lovely visits with our families AFTER Christmas, when the stakes aren't so high. I've never regretted providing stressfree holidays for my children.

I think the point is NOT 'suck it up and go be miserable' as much as it is 'suck it up and DON'T be miserable'. Maybe I don't have all the info, but even though the OP's sis sounds like a juvenile selfish person, it does not sound like she will be torturing the people in her company. It sounds completely doable with only a minimal amount of 'dealing', especially if everyone is considerate of the situation in which they find themselves. And honestly, the sis has as much right to go to the parents house at 6:00am as the OP...so really, it doesn't sound to me like she is the only one not being cooperative. I think everyone needs to act like adults and enjoy the holiday and even if the sis won't do it - the rest need to rise above her behavior.

And really, will the kids be tortured by having their aunt around? They problably won't even realize the tension if their own parents don't act on it. So really - it is teaching the children that it's about ME instead of about others - as the holiday is supposed to be.

Think about the big picture here....is it really going to make the OP MISERABLE to be near her sister on Christmas? If so - I bet there are a ton of people who wish this was their biggest problem - there are people in the world who don't have any family, who have spouses/children at war who might not survive the holiday, with family in the hospital with disease...really misery is relative, isn't it? - and I, for one, don't think miserable should describe the OP's situation.

 

[disykat]

Ah - so because other people have more miserable situations in their life (and I certainly agree the OP isn't going to die of her misery - I'm sure she would too) the OP can't vent or change her mind about where she wants to be for Christmas morning?

The OP and her family don't usually spend Christmas together. She thought it would be nice to spend it with her parents, but changed her mind now that her sister is in the mix. I agree that she can't tell her parents who can come, but I think she has every right to not want to go now.

No one is advising the OP to dropkick her family out of her life, some of us just agree with her that maybe visiting some time other than Christmas morning would make the holiday more pleasant for everyone.

Maybe my viewpoint is colored by the fact that I had an aunt who, depending on her current mental health, didn't like my parents - or for that matter, me. Even at a very young age, it was stressful not knowing what she was going to do or say. Although we certainly saw her, I'm very thankful we didn't have to spend holidays with her!

I remember the OP's other post. From what I remember, by "using choice words" she means screaming obscenities.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Ah - so because other people have more miserable situations in their life (and I certainly agree the OP isn't going to die of her misery - I'm sure she would too) the OP can't vent or change her mind about where she wants to be for Christmas morning?

The OP and her family don't usually spend Christmas together. She thought it would be nice to spend it with her parents, but changed her mind now that her sister is in the mix. I agree that she can't tell her parents who can come, but I think she has every right to not want to go now.

No one is advising the OP to dropkick her family out of her life, some of us just agree with her that maybe visiting some time other than Christmas morning would make the holiday more pleasant for everyone.

Maybe my viewpoint is colored by the fact that I had an aunt who, depending on her current mental health, didn't like my parents - or for that matter, me. Even at a very young age, it was stressful not knowing what she was going to do or say. Although we certainly saw her, I'm very thankful we didn't have to spend holidays with her!

I remember the OP's other post. From what I remember, by "using choice words" she means screaming obscenities.

Thank you!! It's nice to know someone understands.

My sister is very unstable, she always has been, the smallest thing will set her off and (even since we were kids) we always just "let her blow" b/c there was nothing anyone could do to calm her down and get her thinking rationally again. It could be something someone says that is about the weather being bad, and somehow she will trigger that to something that I did to her and she will throw a massive fit about it right then and there, with no consideration to ANYONE else. She is verbally and Physically abusive to me. So, NO rt2dz I will not spend a miserable Christmas morning with her. DH and MYSELF will be walking on eggshells all morning trying not to make her mad. And then watch her cause a scene, with no discretion to anyone else. (even the little ones) This is a 4 hour drive for us, It's not like if she freeks out I am going to be able to buzz home. And I am not going to worry about the relationship that I have with her child. We all live our own lives, and I tried over and over again to be there for her and she has screwed me over EVERYTIME! I have dealt with her, I don't avoid her. I try over and over again to mend our relationship, but she never seems to . As SAD as it makes me, SHE IS THE ONE CHOOSING to make it difficult. When her child was born i made the 4 hour drive to the hospital and visited with her..my whole family turned their world upside down to be there, dh hadn't slept in 26 hours (work and school), I had worked the whole night before and dd had just started kindergarden and was having a hard time adjusting , we spent $150 we didn't have we all went anyway. We really wanted to get there to visit her b/c we were so excited to have a nephew and of course we ... , DIDN"T SAY A WORD about what it took to get there. We stayed for a couple of hours and then went to find a place to sleep. And she called a week later and screamed and hollared that it wasn't good enough, what a b i was what an a my dh was..(for what??) After all that we had done that day, to be there for her.
ALSO...I DIDN"T INVITE myself over to their house. We did ask them to come to ours first, but they are having a christmas party that night and couldn't come, so as a group we "decided" that we would go to their home. And YES, i do think its VERY RUDE, when we offer to do something nice for them and make plans with them in advance and they change the plans w/out telling us. (When it would put myself and my family in a VERY AWKWARD situation from the second we step down the stairs in the morning.) I don't care who you are..related or not. You should be a decent human being to those around you. And if your not, than you aren't going to have many people who want to be around you. Thats the truth.
And its funny that you say that I AM THE SELFISH one, when all i was trying to do was GIVE my parents a little kid christmas again. as they had expressed they missed having. (Not trying to monopolize it, they could have well indeed said, sorry..no thank you, or sure..why don't we invite your sister too., then i could have made my own decision on the matter right then and there.) I was trying to be Selfless and give up one of those few years that we have with the little kid christmas morning and share it with them. (And I know ALOT of people will not agree with this, and i am not looking for opinions, but We aren't a very religious family..so Christmas is SANTA to us.) ANd to Add to my selfishness DH has to be back to work that night (he works in a hospital) so we were doing all of this for them, and still driving 4 hours back home Christmas Day. And I do feel that they should be appreciative. I WOULD BE IF IT WERE MY DD!! MOST DEFINATLY!
I would also want her to put her hubby and kids first. I ALSO, would never EXPECT that she forever "owe me", b/c I raised her. I wanted to raise her. We all choose to have kids, they don't magically fall out of the sky and are forced upon us It's nice when they appreciate all they have done for us. And that is what I was trying to do. (And something that I often do for my parents to show my love and appreciation for them) But I expect that as an adult I recieve a bit of respect as well for me and my own family.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Oh and the comment about "other people only wishing that this was their worst problem" is ridiculous. OF COURSE, i don't think this is the worst thing EVER, and I am not claiming that it is.

 

[bellebud]

OP, stick to your guns and don't go. I really think if you had written in your very first post all you've written in the thread, you wouldn't have gotten the 'just go and suck it up' opinions. The threat of your sis screaming obsenities at you is just over-the-top and something no one should have to deal w/ at any time, especially at xmas. I'd never, never, never subject my kids to that potential - even if both my parents, their spouses, all my grandparents and and aunts and uncles were ALL on their death beds rolled out in my mom's livingroom and begged us to come because it was certainly everyone's LAST christmas! (i'm sorry, i just think that argument is so funny. Especially after you posted your dad's age). It not like anyone has terminal cancer, or is 85 and seriously taking their last breaths.

Same idea... when my sil was the new bride in our family (my husbands brothers wife), if i complained about our mil, she loved to tell me how putting up w/ her was important because maybe she wouldn't be around too much longer (mil was 60 and healthy at the time)... but being new to all of it AND not being in my shoes yet, it was easy for her to tell me that. A couple years and a couple kids later though... boy has her tune changed, because now it affects *her*; it's not just her watching someone else put up w/ something. It's SO easy to tell others to deal w/ things, be the bigger person, etc, etc. So do what you know is best for you and dd. Your parents have choosen to deal w/ your sis's behavior because she's their child, but siblings are way different; not the same heart strings being pulled. Just because they put up w/ her doesn't mean it's the right thing to do for everyone. By not allowing her craziness around your daughter on christmas, I think you're being the best parent you can be. And your parents may or may not realize the extent that she affects you.

good luck telling your parents.

 

[brymolmom]

The main thing that interests me now is how vehemently the OP wrote the most recent post against going, yet the original title of the thread is asking for opinions. Were you just looking for opinions that are in agreement with what you obviously want/decided to do already?

We're just offering our opinions as you asked...When you ask for them obviously you're going to get different people offering from opposite sides of the fence. I feel now as if you were just looking for support with your decision rather than opinions on what to do.

Good luck with however you tell them you're not coming and may your dd come to Christmas at your house as an adult because of her feelings for you, not because she feels she owes you something.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I think brymolmom is taking this a little to personal. (THIS HAS NOTHING TO PERSONALLY DO WITH YOU...) And I just wanted to say *AGAIN*, that i was never doing this for my parents b/c I felt I owed them ANYTHING orginally, I was doing this to be NICE! And then, when I started to change my mind about it (b/c of my sister) Everyone kept throwing the guilt card at me at that made me FEEL as though they were thinking I owed them something. So I am not sure what that last comment you said means.
And of course I want everyone's opinions when I first wrote this post, i didn't know what to think, i was confused. BUT.. a few days later...after hearing some opinions..my brain is telling me that its right to think of my dd and dh and stay home instead of going into a bad situation with my sis on that very special morning. SO I was defending my opinion and explaining my sister a bit more, since a lot of you don't know the background to the story. So in a way, writting it out was theraputic for me, b/c I could release my feelings about the subject without hurting anyone in my family.

Thank you Bellebud..I appreciate your kind words. I really do. As a parent you struggle with decisions all the time and hope that you are not doing anything that would give your kids the wrong lessons or impressions and I appreciate your kindness.

FYI: I spoke to my parents last night, and explained my feelings to them, and I was told that my sister called them earlier in the night and went off on them as well (complaining about me and my parents), and they stood up for themselves and for me. They understood my stance completley and apologized to me for not understanding sooner. Of course, I don't need an apology. It is there daughter, and I am sure they called her later that night and worked things out. But I am glad that I was understood. We are all going to let this cool, and spend xmas morning at our own homes this year, and next year they are invited to our home for xmas. (I think sister and I will alternate years) And we have made plans to go up this year on the day after Christmas for a family get together.

 

[mickeyfan9194]

By not allowing her craziness around your daughter on christmas, I think you're being the best parent you can be.

Good for you for staying home!

Speaking from the child's point of view (growing up in a VERY dysfunctional extended family), your child may never know the wonderful gift you have just given her. I had so many holidays ruined becuase my mother was guilted into going to family functions and told to "just suck it up". EVERY time it turned into a screaming match, tears, back-stabbing, lies, obscenities...and it was even worse to sit and watch my parents do nothing except take the abuse. I learned to absolutely HATE family get-togethers, especially at Christmas, hiding in the hall closet with my cousin with our hands over our ears. I'm sure those who think you should go for your parent's sake, never experienced anything close to this.

I finally discovered how wonderful the holidays could be after marrying my DH and having our own family. Coincidentally, he came from a dysfunctional family as well, so we wouldn't even consider spending Christmas morning with either side of our extended families. Sad? Yes, but it is what it is. We do the best we can with them. We don't give up special days for them. We always make sure the kids are protected from the arguements, and we leave before it gets out of hand (even if it's only been 5 minutes). I don't put up with the crap anymore. If everyone is civil, we stay. If not, we go home. I refuse to be the doormat that my parents were. I will not sacrifice my family to their crazy rituals. Just my opinion, though. I grew up not being really close to anyone in my family (except my brother), so I don't feel I owe any of them anything.

To the OP, I hope you have a wonderful magical Christmas!

 

[HopperFan]

But I am glad that I was understood.

We are all going to let this cool, and spend xmas morning at our own homes this year, and next year they are invited to our home for xmas. (I think sister and I will alternate years) And we have made plans to go up this year on the day after Christmas for a family get together.

Sounds like a great plan ! Especially the alternating years. We have had grands visiting various families in the morning each year. It works out really well. And kudos to the next day visiting....takes the pressure off the special time but maintains that extended family time.

Everyone needs to do what is best for their family ! Different scenarios work for different families and it sounds like you have made a healthy decision for yours.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS