I need some advice- thanksgiving and husband problem

[Serena]

I just talked with my husband's sister. I just found out that her and his mom are not inviting my husband to thanksgiving.
I am invited and it's up to me whether or not I want him there.

I have to talk with them, but I'm not sure how to approach it or what to say.
How do I tell my mil and sil that I'm happier not being married to him? I don't know how to tell them not to blame him. I've tried to tell them that yes he started it, but I'm glad and pretty much grateful. I'm doing just fine, but I don't know how to convince them.

 

[piratesmate]

Serena, I have to confess that I missed most of the story behind this, but have read a few of your recent posts about the situation. Maybe the best way is to just show them . . . . if you're really okay with everything tell them that you'd like him to be there. Sometimes actions do speak louder . . . .

Deb

 

[Serena]

Could it be that simple? I think it could be. I'll find out.

 

[janette]

I'd guess they believe it would be hard for you with him there and given the choice of him and you & the girls they chose you.

Let them know that you don't mind if your DH is there, it will help set the stage for other family gatherings later.

 

[Gail T AGAIN]

I would say for the sake of the kids tell them it is ok if he is there. Kids are kids for such a short time

 

[Serena]

I don't want them to get the idea it's not okay with me.
I know he would be very hurt if he knew what they were doing.
He may not have been able to live with me, but he cares about his family a great deal and this would be really bad.

 

[Pam]

Serena,
I think your attitude and maturity is great in handling this situation.

And Deb, in her post, said it all so well. Tell your inlaws to invite him.

Pam

 

[JasonLyons]

if he comes will he bring his little tramp mistress with him

 

[Serena]

Believe me, she won't be there. I'll make that very clear.

 

[KimRaye]

Trust me, you're a bigger person than I am. Happy Holidays!

 

[shortbun]

Tell them you want him there and that your
separation is friendly now. Nice that they are
"siding" with you though. I know it's not
important but it's a good show of solidarity.

 

[bfeller]

It is very nice for your MIL and SIL to take your feelings into consideration. I guess what I would tell them is that you do not mind if he is there. Afterall, it is you and he that are separated not DH and his two girls or DH and his mom and sister. Is sounds to me that you have handled everything right so far. You are a far better person than he is.

 

[snowball22]

Have the jerk come to Thanksgiving if everyone can be civil. I think it will be important for the children to have him there.

 

[crazyme5kids]

I am going to go out on a limb here and I know this won't be a popular opinion, but here goes. Having known people that have been in your situation, both on your end and on your husbands end, it is difficult to say the least. Here is how I have known people in your situation (including in my own family) to handle it.

While it is nice that your MIL and SIL want to see you and your children, they and you must remember that he is their son and brother, no matter what he did to your marriage. He should go, and while this is not what they may like he should be able to bring his girlfriend if he chooses. It will not be easy for him, her or his family, but he has moved on and they need to accept that fact. Now as far as you go, you are moving on as well, so you should say you want to have a quiet Thanksgiving with the kids, but get together with his family the day before or after.

This will establish some ground rules, and you will be more in control of the situation now and in the future. It is important to let them know that while you appreciate their offer and love, but for this year you just want to do it this way. Remember, next year you may be the one seeing someone, and you might want him to spend the holiday with you. You know what, taking the high road will in the long run make you a better person, and ultimatly you will feel better about yourself.

Just my opinion, albiet not a popular one.

 

[browneyes]

Crazyme5kids, I agree with you. Sounds like good advice to me. Hard advice, but good advice.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Serena I can't even imagine what must be going thru your mind on this. You have gotten alot of good advice and seem to know how you want to handle your situation.

I do like the idea of having a quiet dinner at home, however. It may give you and the kids a feeling of forging ahead and accepting what is changing. I suppose it will shatter the illusion that you are no longer together, and I know that would be something I would fear if I were in your situation. Holidays are emotional and difficult somethimes. Also I suppose this will set the stage for Christmas too. Your in laws will take your lead and go from there. What I am saying is that this decision will set the stage for the future. So I guess crazyme5kids has put her finger on it.

You do what you feel is right for your family and I am sure that it will be OK.

 

[Tiggeroo]

but perhaps his parents are still hoping for a reconciliation. Maybe they are trying to make a point. I would definitely have him there for the kids. Or maybe you and the kids could do dinner at home and dessert at the MIL's. This is going to be very difficult for your inlaw's cause you know things are gonna change.

 

[piratesmate]

All good advice - and I have to admit that what I'm going to say is colored by something that happened in our family a number of years ago.

One of my aunts took the side of the DIL after the divorce. Her son didn't bother to leave his wife until after starting another relationship, although the marriage was over long before. He also never told his mother it was over. Anyway, DIL wanted maintain her closeness with my aunt & used her son as an excuse. However, she was never accepting of her ex & complained about him every Sun. after church during her visit. For more than 15 yrs, my aunt held resentment against her son & his new wife. Her grandchildren from the 2nd marriage weren't real comfortable around her either. It's a little different now that the ex-DIL has moved out of state, but what a tradegy for everyone involved.

If I had the chance, I'd be reluctant to do anything that might add to his mother's resentment of him or her hopes for a reconciliation. I'd also worry that staying home would just look like "poor me" to MIL. Of course, not every family is like mine.

Deb

 

[mhopset]

Laurie,

I know you are going through a hard time, and I don't know what to say...only hang in there, but I have to admit I laughed so hard when I read what Jason wrote I spit coffee everywhere.

It will get better like I said hang in there.


T.

 

[Serena]

LOL, yeah Jason has a way of doing that.

Thank you everyone. I am going to go this year.
It's the first time it won't be at my house, my sil is showing off her house and her, up-until-now, shy husband. She specifically asked me to be there.

I wouldn't want the woman he's staying with around your children, not just mine. I've got reasons I won't go into. He does understand and agree. He won't bring her and I don't have to tell him not to.

I just have to talk with them. Regardless of what's happened with me and him, it isn't right. I'll just have to prove that I'm okay with it. Maybe I should bring someone. lol