I need help

[alternate_name]

Old user, new name. Folks will probably recognize my posting style, and if you do (or suspect you do), I please ask that you don't post it. As you read, I'm sure you'll see why.

About 7-8 months ago, I found out my wife had racked up significant debt in playing online lottery. I confronted her about it, she admitted it, we paid off the debt, she said she had deleted the apps, and wouldn't do it again. I trusted her. You can see where this is going.

I saw today there appeared to be another significant debt on her card. I asked her how much was on it and she mentioned a low number. I told her I was seeing the higher number and she admitted she had started with the lottery again.

We got into an argument (and that is VERY unusual for us). Not only did she rack up significant debt again, but lied about it.

I ended up walking out of the house. She has texted/called me, but I haven't replied. She says she has an appointment w/gambler's anonymous over zoom tonight.

I'm at a loss. We're supposed to go away together in a couple weeks (our first multi day away with just the two of us in 10(?) years). I've been REALLY looking forward to it. Now I'm debating about canceling. Pretty sure we booked "cancel for any reason insurance". I'm not sure I'm going to enjoy myself, and that money would go a long way to paying off the debt.

I literally have no one I feel comfortable talking to in person about this which is why I'm reaching out here.

If you read this entire thing, thank you. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advise, sympathy, or just "thoughts and prayers". Or just want to get it out and vent.

ETA: I do love her and think she is the best thing to happen to me. She says the same. But, during the argument she asked if I was going to divorce her over this. I said "I don't know what I want". I don't want a divorce. I just don't know how to help her OR how to trust her

 

[princesscinderella]

As you navigate this challenge in your relationship and with a loved one suffering from addiction. The only advice I have is communication and more communication.

 

[nw6675]

Addiction comes in many forms and should be addressed professionally for sure. Bipolar manic episodes often lead to this type of behavior. Please look at in the lens of a medical condition and go from there.

 

[hrhdhd]

The decision to cancel the vacation is minor. To me, you need to make a decision about the relationship. I wouldn't want to be with someone who lies to me repeatedly. You may decide differently.

 

[Disneylover99]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Dealing with a spouse with addictions is very stressful.
Look after your own mental health needs right now and do what’s right for you.
Take care.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

Help your wife get some help, some counseling or therapy. Help her get into a program. You should probably get into a therapy program, too. It's a lot to deal with. You don't want to divorce, you say. You want to stand by her, that's great. She has an addiction, the impulses of which come from the brain, not any kind of selfishness or desire to just do whatever she wants. I grew up in an alcoholic's household. His addiction affected us all, but my Mom stayed with him because she loved him, and eventually he was able to stay sober for good-but it took a lot of outside help.

<deleted>

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

I just want to offer you support. What you are going through isn’t easy. What your spouse with an addiction is going through isn’t easy either. You have a lot of difficult choices in your future. It is a tough road no matter the way and I wish you a lot of peace, grace, and help as you navigate through this tough time in your life. I really feel for you.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

The fact that you mentioned you rarely argue seems like a sign that your relationship is worth fighting for. Gambling is an addiction and at least she is willing to get help. If you truly love each other you’ll help each other get through this. As for the trip. If you don’t think you’ll enjoy yourself then I certainly wouldn’t spend the money. Get over this hurdle and then plan another trip together. It’ll be much more enjoyable.

 

[DLgal]

Your wife has a mental health disorder. She needs medical (psychiatric), and therapeutic intervention. But SHE has to want the help. There is only so much you can do. You can help her find the help and be supportive, but this has to be self motivated in order to be successful.

Here is some advice though, since you asked. Do not continue to stonewall her like you are doing. That is very counterproductive. Never just walk out and then ignore attempts at communication. It is immature and selfish to do that. Go back home and talk to her, but start off by apologizing for abandoning her. Unless a situation is escalating towards abuse, walking out is never a great thing to do.

 

[DLgal]

Well, it is early on a Sunday morning of a Holiday weekend. I wish I knew where else to go

Go home. You don't need to take action right this second.

But if you feel like you need to do something, you can start by closing the credit card account she is using so she can't rack up any more debt. You can offer to hide her phone from her if she agrees to it. And you can start doing some searches for addiction specialists in your area. Psychology Today is a great resource. You can filter out for addiction specifically.

You can distract her by going out this weekend and doing something fun. You can reiterate how you don't want this to tear you apart, and that you are by her side no matter what (if you feel this way).

If she finds a gambler's anonymous meeting nearby, you can go with her for support.

In addition, you probably want to look for a marriage counselor who specializes in addiction dynamics. You need therapy as well.

 

[Ursula J]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's heartbreaking. My late father was a therapist who attained his Certified Addiction and Therapy Specialist license. He often told us that the two hardest addictions were heroin and gambling. She can go into recovery, but it's a commitment to meetings, therapy, accountability, etc. She needs to earn your trust again and treat her illness. It's unlikely she can just quit without support. The vacation might have to wait so she can take this seriously as a crisis, not an "oops." We're here for you, my friend.

 

[Dan Murphy]

She says she has an appointment w/gambler's anonymous over zoom tonight.

Good morning, AN. My thoughts are with you, and also your wife.

I would return home, share the Zoom call later today. And then both seek professional counseling, marriage and addictions.

My best for you both. 's

 

[Southernmiss]

Go home. Give your wife a hug. Assure her that you will work through this together.

Do the Zoom call and decide on small steps to get through this. Communication is a starting point.

I had friends in a similar situation. While I don't agree with is politics, Dave Ramsey's baby steps, the process was very helpful for them and they got out of debt.

 

[pindecisive]

Old user, new name. Folks will probably recognize my posting style, and if you do (or suspect you do), I please ask that you don't post it. As you read, I'm sure you'll see why.

About 7-8 months ago, I found out my wife had racked up significant debt in playing online lottery. I confronted her about it, she admitted it, we paid off the debt, she said she had deleted the apps, and wouldn't do it again. I trusted her. You can see where this is going.

I saw today there appeared to be another significant debt on her card. I asked her how much was on it and she mentioned a low number. I told her I was seeing the higher number and she admitted she had started with the lottery again.

We got into an argument (and that is VERY unusual for us). Not only did she rack up significant debt again, but lied about it.

I ended up walking out of the house. She has texted/called me, but I haven't replied. She says she has an appointment w/gambler's anonymous over zoom tonight.

I'm at a loss. We're supposed to go away together in a couple weeks (our first multi day away with just the two of us in 10(?) years). I've been REALLY looking forward to it. Now I'm debating about canceling. Pretty sure we booked "cancel for any reason insurance". I'm not sure I'm going to enjoy myself, and that money would go a long way to paying off the debt.

I literally have no one I feel comfortable talking to in person about this which is why I'm reaching out here.

If you read this entire thing, thank you. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advise, sympathy, or just "thoughts and prayers". Or just want to get it out and vent.

ETA: I do love her and think she is the best thing to happen to me. She says the same. But, during the argument she asked if I was going to divorce her over this. I said "I don't know what I want". I don't want a divorce. I just don't know how to help her OR how to trust her

There's a word for this, it's called financial infidelity. You can research it, but it's a really big red flag because if they're lying about money, it's likely they're lying about other things and you just haven't found out yet.

The reason you both never argue is probably because she doesn't bring things up, which is shown by the fact she didn't tell you in either instance of you finding out. Her going to GA sounds more like an attempt to smooth things over vs her actually wanting help.

Unfortunately, while you may not want a divorce and you may love her, I guarantee if you don't get into couples counseling and contact a lawyer, she's going to do it again.

On a personal note, if you have the money, I recommend paying for a PI to investigate her for your own peace of mind so you can move forward with whatever you decide to so.

 

[MamaMermaid]

I’m so sorry, friend. Time for counseling. If you need time to yourself, tell her.

 

[alternate_name]

For those wondering, I did return home and we had a conversation. We're going to get through this together, some how.

For those saying "don't come to the Dis", consider yourself lucky that you have people you could turn to on a Sunday morning as a sounding board or for advice. I don't have that, so I asked here. The advice could have been simply "go home", look at <insert website here>, or simply "look for a therapist".

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

For those wondering, I did return home and we had a conversation. We're going to get through this together, some how.

For those saying "don't come to the Dis", consider yourself lucky that you have people you could turn to on a Sunday morning as a sounding board or for advice. I don't have that, so I asked here. The advice could have been simply "go home", look at <insert website here>, or simply "look for a therapist".

Glad you are taking some steps to get through this. I speak only for myself but if you need a sounding board or a place to vent or just work through your thoughts I am more than willing. This is hard stuff you are dealing with and no one should have to do it alone. For myself, I don't have someone I could chat with immediately on a Sunday morning who I would want to know this info about my spouse. I try to keep our issues between us because where he and/or I may forgive each other and move on, a relative or friend who I confided in may not. You are doing your best. Be kind to yourself and make sure you have the support you need!

 

[karen4546]

OP, I know this is difficult for you. I am sure it is equally difficult if not more so for your wife.

Navigating this is going to be quite difficult and a life long commitment. I believe that marriage is worth fighting for especially since you said she is the best thing to happen to you.

Hopefully, with some outside help, your wife can see why she feels the need gamble. Once that is addressed, then hopefully the healing can begin. For her and for you.

Loss of trust is a big deal. Hopefully, you can communicate that with her and she can communicate with you on her addiction. I don't have the answers-none of us do. But I do hope you and your wife can get through this and renew your love and trust in each other.

All the best.

 

[jalapeno_pretzel]

You don't mention your age or your wife's age, but if you're on the older side, and if the entire situation is really out of character, please have her get a complete medical workup. This kind of thing could be an indication of cognitive decline or other brain changes. And, you should take complete control of the finances.

 

[Praying Colonel]

Very tough situation and I'd probably handle it as you have so far. IMHO she's an addict and needs to get in and stay in a program. It would probably also help you to get in Gam-Anon. My prayers are with you.