I need help

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Addiction is horrible and changes people and I'm so sorry this is what you're having going on.

I do think it's helpful when thinking about it like a health issue not that you need to "stick it out" because of that but rather the approach to any decisions, measures at curbing the behavior, etc usually need to come from a different angle. Sometimes that means you have to leave in the end to let the person heal and sometimes it means you come out much stronger as a couple. Either way this is hard on everyone involved and can't be a one size fits all end result. I mention the health issue part because it would be easy to just up and leave when viewing it as a betrayal (which I'm sure that ran through your mind when you found out they were back to gambling again after they first got caught) but often with addiction is just so much more complex. Whatever ends up happening in the short term or long term is just not an easy choice, you shouldn't be judged on that.

Cutting off financial access is must in the beginning but doesn't work towards the root of the issue. Paying off debts, deleting apps just aren't enough. The counseling (for both of you)), the support groups (for both of you), along with the others is needed as well.

We lost my husband's stepbrother at the end of Feb due to alcohol addiction. He left behind a fiancee and his 16 year old son.

Addiction to anything is a life-long thing. Smoking, drinking, gambling, drug, etc.

 

[pindecisive]

I've been going back and forth on what to say because there's a lot of nuance to relationships.

Marriage is not an agreement to always accept someone at their worst. It's an agreement to bring your best self to the table and acknowledge when you're struggling.

Very few people regret leaving and more people regret staying in these type of situations. I've thought about your post a lot because I had a relationship with a man who lied by omission to me. If I had left the first or even second time I discovered something big, the amount of pain, drama, and danger I would have saved myself? As much as I loved him, he chose to lie to me each day. He manipulated me so he could keep his life the way he wanted and he didn't look on it as malicious.

To be blunt, it would be smart to get a divorce either way. If you intend to support her in working on her addiction, have the divorce only be on paper. Make it clear you're still partners, but that she's lost your trust and assets need to be separated while she goes through the process of healing.

Her actions and reactions to your request to protect yourself should let you know what her priorities are.

 

[alternate_name]

I know there's been a lot of advice to get divorced or at least separate. I can't do that. At least not yet. I may regret that decision down the road, but I think this relationship is worth fighting for. According to DW, she thinks so too. Is she lying to me? I don't think so. So if it turns out you all are right, you can say "I told you so".

Our first counseling session is tomorrow morning. And no, it is NOT easy getting in touch with counselors on a holiday weekend, and even getting in touch with some today, it was weeks before they could get us in.

Thank you for all of the support and advice (even I don't follow it). You have helped me.

 

[Dan Murphy]

I can't do that. At least not yet. I may regret that decision down the road, but I think this relationship is worth fighting for. According to DW, she thinks so too.

Our first counseling session is tomorrow morning.

Great, AN! Best wishes for you both.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

If you intend to support her in working on her addiction, have the divorce only be on paper. Make it clear you're still partners, but that she's lost your trust and assets need to be separated while she goes through the process of healing.

A divorce on paper would mean it was a marriage on paper.

To me what you're suggesting would be a form of emotional manipulation. It's also why "staying in it because of a medical diagnosis" can become iffy to a lot of people.

My father-in-law had to legally stay married to his ex-wife while she was receiving breast cancer treatment because his job was where the health insurance was coming in, it was determined by the judge that it would be particularly cruel for her to up and not have health insurance as she couldn't just get it on the market. That is not the type of situation I think most people would want to be in voluntarily and could be cruel on its own to toy with someone's emotions. In my father-in-law's case it was a bureaucratic entanglement with clear understanding that a divorce would have been finalized already if it could have been. Unless such stipulation was ever placed upon the OP for addiction treatment if they ever got to a divorce I wouldn't advise someone to divorce but stay supporting in all ways but being considered legally married. That is not fair to either party and would feel like a mockery of what the marriage had meant. If that's your goal I guess you could do that but doesn't seem like the OP at all wants that.

ETA: also saying "she's lost your trust" but "you're still partners" sounds like you'd be using divorce as a punishment which is truly awful.

 

[cedricandsophie]

She needs intensive counseling and you need an intensive support group. Ive had friends with addiction, regardless of the kind. and I think they would say, if you continue staying with her like this, you are the enabler. No access to money, credit cards, the internet. Gamblers anonymous meetings every day. It’s up to Her to rebuild your trust.

 

[lifesavacation]

I am sorry you are facing this crisis in your marriage. I've known one other couple who dealt with a gambling addiction and it ended in suicide after he gambled away everything and was facing theft charges from his employer.

My advice is to immediately deal with the financial side of things. Have her put a hold on her credit so opening new credit is difficult. Close credit cards in her name and you need to start scrutinizing your finances regularly.

She needs to get mental health support ASAP. Over zoom will work, but probably not best. Maybe couple's counseling as well.

 

[dvcgirl67]

I know there's been a lot of advice to get divorced or at least separate. I can't do that. At least not yet. I may regret that decision down the road, but I think this relationship is worth fighting for. According to DW, she thinks so too. Is she lying to me? I don't think so. So if it turns out you all are right, you can say "I told you so".

Our first counseling session is tomorrow morning. And no, it is NOT easy getting in touch with counselors on a holiday weekend, and even getting in touch with some today, it was weeks before they could get us in.

Thank you for all of the support and advice (even I don't follow it). You have helped me.

Good for you Alternate Name....fight the good fight! I'd be rocked, as it seems you are with the revelations you've uncovered, but I would need to get into couples therapy and insist my spouse get help before walking away.

I'm sure you've thought of this, but perhaps just running frequent credit checks on her for now (with her knowledge) would be helpful for now to protect your financial future if you do end up unfortunately having to split up down the road. And of course, putting spending alerts on all accounts for anything over a very small amount. I know DH and I have these alerts set up as I get emails letting me know whenever either of us spends money on anything over $100....just as an additional layer of credit card/personality identity theft. I've seen some say you could freeze her credit, but she's likely smart enough to figure out how to thaw it if she really wanted to open up a line of credit without you knowing.

I would look at it like......I'll walk with you while you get help and I will work on building up trust again....but it will take time. I'd just be as crystal clear as possible that you will not let her take you down financially any further than she already has. I would be devastated if I found anything like this at this point in our lives (we're in our mid-50s) after working a lifetime to save/invest together.

Thanks for coming back to update us....I've been thinking of you and wondering what you decided to do. Hang tough!

 

[barkley]

I know there's been a lot of advice to get divorced or at least separate. I can't do that. At least not yet. I may regret that decision down the road, but I think this relationship is worth fighting for. According to DW, she thinks so too. Is she lying to me? I don't think so. So if it turns out you all are right, you can say "I told you so".

Our first counseling session is tomorrow morning. And no, it is NOT easy getting in touch with counselors on a holiday weekend, and even getting in touch with some today, it was weeks before they could get us in.

Thank you for all of the support and advice (even I don't follow it). You have helped me.

i'm so glad you are able to get in to see someone quickly. i hope all the best for you and your spouse-one day at a time.

 

[tcufrog]

Lots of great advice but one other thing I strongly recommend is placing a freeze on your credit. That way it's much harder for her to get a loan or a credit card in your name. I also recommend talking to a lawyer and if you can afford it, hiring a forensic accountant to dig deep and find out if she's hiding anything financially from you.

Before you help her, you need to put your oxygen mask on first and make sure you're protected financially. Also, drowning victims sometimes pull the person trying to save them down with them in their attempt to save themselves. You love her but you don't want that to happen to you. You need to keep a clear head through all of this and not get blinded by your love for her and who you think/thought she is/was.

 

[mumto3girls]

I don’t really have anything to add, but just wanted to say that I would tend to hang in there too I think. I would try to protect myself financially as much as I could though. Sounds like you need to be in charge of the finances with her on a very short leash. I hope the counseling gives you some direction.