I need help

[LoveToDisney]

Please protect YOURself financially. One of my best friends had a spouse who had a spending addiction. He would buy, buy, buy and she would eventually pay off his debt and he would agree to stop. Then he would get a new credit card and max it out. This happened over and over again. She finally told him she would not pay off his cards anymore and she let his truck get repossessed because he couldn’t pay for it. What she did NOT do is protect herself. His name was on the checking account, savings accounts, all of their sons’ college savings accounts and some retirement accounts. One day he removed the money from ALL those accounts and disappeared. Her eldest son was starting college the next year and suddenly all of his college money was gone. It took my friend years to rebuild her retirement. Their 3 sons have never heard from their dad nor received any of their college money back. Addiction is strong….get help for you and your spouse to heal your marriage, but also protect yourself.

 

[LuvOrlando]

If it was me, I would take this on like any other unpredictable health issue and deal with this without blame.

As a married couple you are, and will remain financially responsible for her behaviors & debts so maybe you want to legally separate while she is sorting this out so you are not responsible for her debts. I don't actually believe in divorce but separation is a useful legal device and I would use it as such. I would cut the gambler off by legal means from me for my well being and theirs to be honest. She may completely sink herself, how does it help the situation if she drowns you too? I would also cut the equity value of the home down the middle and give her half to pay off her gambling or whatever, basically severe financial entanglements so this person couldn't jeopardize having a roof over your head. She may not be able to stop from destroying herself but that doesn't mean you need to go down with her.

A best friends dad forged names to get to the family money, knowing what I saw I'd take a defensive posture especially if you have kids, & get legal help even as you decide.

 

[wenrob]

As someone who has dealt with a family overflowing with addiction my entire life I’m just going to be blunt, save yourself first. You need to untangle yourself financially as much as you can RIGHT NOW. Remove her from joints accounts, take her credit and debit cards and access to the bank accounts, change all passwords. At the moment she’s being compliant and remorseful because she got caught. She’s already lied to you repeatedly, that’s not someone who is ready to seek help. She’s trying to mitigate the damage. I know it’s not what you want to hear and I’m sure I’ll get push back on it but living with someone’s addiction is not pretty. You need to protect yourself because she will absolutely take you down with her. Addiction is a disease and she needs help but she also needs to want that help. You can stand by her and support her but in the end she’s the only one who can fix it.

 

[badiggio]

Gambling is an addiction for some,a disease that needs treatment.Would you be by your wife's side if she was sick with some other disease or leave her because of it.It's easy to "love " when everything goes smoothly.What you need is joint counselling,yes for both of you.This is hard for some to understand ,that it's not just something you can say They're going to stop and that's it.JMO

 

[AgentMama]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Take care and protect yourself first. Only you can decide if the relationship is worth staying in. People with addictions don't seek help on their own until its their own rock bottom. I would keep that in mind while you're figuring out what safe guards you need for your own mental and financial health and wellbeing.

 

[barkley]

i just want to add, from a financial perspective-

taking the cards away does nothing, all the person has to do is contact the bank/issuer and they will get new ones (you have to remove them as an authorized user or ideally close them),

taking debit cards away does nothing-again they can get them reactivated. removing access or moving funds to another account they are not able to access protects the funds,

make sure your mortgage, property taxes, utilities, healthcare and other financial obligations both recent and in past months have been met (a friend's mom had a hidden issue with this and it didn't become fully known until it was learned the house was within days of foreclosure, the retirement accounts had been emptied, life and other insurances had been cancelled/cashed out, there were title loans on their cars, thousands in unpaid utilities...).

pull a credit report-see what you are looking at financially. it's not unusual for someone with monetary issues (gambling or spending) to be creating many multiple accounts to 'kite' debt via balance transfers from one card to another in order to delay the monies coming due and payable. are there any family/friends she may have obligated you (as a couple) for loans to? it's not unknown to happen.

i hope the very best for you but you must be realistic and protect yourself financially. far too often it's 'only' what you can scratch the surface and see monetary wise that addicts will fess up to and far more often it's become their last resort b/c they prefer to first use funds and assets that their partners/family are not as apt to look at on a frequent basis (realistically-how often do you check your retirement account balances, that your mortgage is up to date, that your life insurance is still in effect, that your tax bill/estimated taxes have been paid......maybe with some quarterly to bi-annually at best?).

take care and good wishes to you.

 

[CdnCarrie]

You got some good advice here. Good luck! Sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[kymom99]

I have a friend whose husband had a gambling addiction. When their kids were small she had to divorce him and have child support taken out of his check so that she could pay the bills. They continued to live together. This was the only way she could keep above water financially. They eventually remarried once the kids were adults and he was able to manage his addiction.

I understand wanting to stand by your wife, but you can’t keep fixing things for her or it will never change. You might have to separate for a while so that she knows she has to do this herself. And as a PP said, to protect yourself financially as well. I know people who have dealt with family members with alcohol and drug addiction. You can’t fix it for them.

 

[flyingdumbo127]

My prayers are with you both also!

 

[alternate_name]

I am reading all the responses, but under my "normal" name and it's a little troublesome to login as this name, so I haven't responded as much.

First, thank you for all the support and suggestions. I am "old school" and love this woman and am willing to try and work through this together. Yes, I know the problem is her, and she needs to solve it. But, I can help/support her (emotionally and mentally if not so much financially) as she tries to work though this.

As someone upthread said, if she was having medical problems, I wouldn't say "deal with it on your own". I am pushing her to get a 2nd PT job (she currently works FT already), and she's applied to 3-4 places today. I'm going to keep pushing her on that.

I've checked the finances I have access to (we have some mixed accounts and some individual accounts), and she hasn't hit those yet. Everything has been CC based. I only noticed because I'm an authorized user on her account, and just happened to notice the balance.

At this point, separation, much less divorce is not an option. It may get there, but not yet. Couples counseling I think would be very good, but again, it's a holiday weekend and not going to get set up quickly. That will be on my agenda come Tuesday.

I'm sure there are people who are shaking their heads at my reply, and I might be doing the same looking at another couple. I'm trying to come to grips with it and figure out what can be done.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

I am reading all the responses, but under my "normal" name and it's a little troublesome to login as this name, so I haven't responded as much.

First, thank you for all the support and suggestions. I am "old school" and love this woman and am willing to try and work through this together. Yes, I know the problem is her, and she needs to solve it. But, I can help/support her (emotionally and mentally if not so much financially) as she tries to work though this.

As someone upthread said, if she was having medical problems, I wouldn't say "deal with it on your own". I am pushing her to get a 2nd PT job (she currently works FT already), and she's applied to 3-4 places today. I'm going to keep pushing her on that.

I've checked the finances I have access to (we have some mixed accounts and some individual accounts), and she hasn't hit those yet. Everything has been CC based. I only noticed because I'm an authorized user on her account, and just happened to notice the balance.

At this point, separation, much less divorce is not an option. It may get there, but not yet. Couples counseling I think would be very good, but again, it's a holiday weekend and not going to get set up quickly. That will be on my agenda come Tuesday.

I'm sure there are people who are shaking their heads at my reply, and I might be doing the same looking at another couple. I'm trying to come to grips with it and figure out what can be done.

No one should be shaking their heads. You are doing what what is right for you. There is nothing wrong with that. I admire your commitment.

 

[Marrila]

I am reading all the responses, but under my "normal" name and it's a little troublesome to login as this name, so I haven't responded as much.

First, thank you for all the support and suggestions. I am "old school" and love this woman and am willing to try and work through this together. Yes, I know the problem is her, and she needs to solve it. But, I can help/support her (emotionally and mentally if not so much financially) as she tries to work though this.

As someone upthread said, if she was having medical problems, I wouldn't say "deal with it on your own". I am pushing her to get a 2nd PT job (she currently works FT already), and she's applied to 3-4 places today. I'm going to keep pushing her on that.

I've checked the finances I have access to (we have some mixed accounts and some individual accounts), and she hasn't hit those yet. Everything has been CC based. I only noticed because I'm an authorized user on her account, and just happened to notice the balance.

At this point, separation, much less divorce is not an option. It may get there, but not yet. Couples counseling I think would be very good, but again, it's a holiday weekend and not going to get set up quickly. That will be on my agenda come Tuesday.

I'm sure there are people who are shaking their heads at my reply, and I might be doing the same looking at another couple. I'm trying to come to grips with it and figure out what can be done.

If you've carefully checked the financial information you are aware of that's a good first step. Working on getting support and counseling on Tues is a good second step. And third, in the next week or so you'll probably want to look carefully at credit reports on each of you.
Take it one day at a time.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I'm so sorry. People show willingness to change through their actions, but also, addiction is hard to overcome. I think this situation is too complicated for any of us to tell you what to do, but if it were me in the situation and I was married to someone reasonable, I would talk with my spouse about postponing the trip until we were both in a better place mentally. Marriage is rough when 2 people have opposing views of handling their money and I think a vacation where you're spending a lot of money is only going to make the emotions tied to this bigger. I'd recommend counseling if you want to stay together.

 

[ronandannette]

As someone who has dealt with a family overflowing with addiction my entire life I’m just going to be blunt, save yourself first. You need to untangle yourself financially as much as you can RIGHT NOW. Remove her from joints accounts, take her credit and debit cards and access to the bank accounts, change all passwords. At the moment she’s being compliant and remorseful because she got caught. She’s already lied to you repeatedly, that’s not someone who is ready to seek help. She’s trying to mitigate the damage. I know it’s not what you want to hear and I’m sure I’ll get push back on it but living with someone’s addiction is not pretty. You need to protect yourself because she will absolutely take you down with her. Addiction is a disease and she needs help but she also needs to want that help. You can stand by her and support her but in the end she’s the only one who can fix it.

And may I add to this excellent post: Carefully, carefully consider where you're going to set your boundaries. Don't give any you're not prepared to hold, and believe me, holding them is gut-wrenchingly hard. Grace and peace to you both.

 

[AnnaS]

I am sorry you are going through this. I have known a few people dealing with various addictions. Not easy for sure.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Wish you both the best. Hang in there and fight. I hope her love for you, your relationship, her loved ones, life - is stronger than the addiction and you both win this fight!!!!

 

[barkley]

op-you might look into GAM-ANON which is a support group for the family of gamblers.

PURPOSES OF GAM-ANON

To welcome and give assistance and comfort to those affected by someone else's gambling problem.

it can be MUCH better to get insight and assistance early on in addressing this issue for both of you.

 

[dvcgirl67]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. And you're getting good advice here. You seem to love your spouse very much and are committed to staying, and so now the work begins. For one thing, she has to truly understand the gravity of her addiction and how much it has hurt you. And *she* has to seek help...immediately, and then you can begin couples counseling.

I don't think I would take the vacation, and not really because of the financial aspect of it, but because your spouse (and your marriage by proxy) are in serious crisis. I think a vacation would kind of send a message to your spouse that it's "business as usual" mode, if that makes sense. I'm not saying don't go to punish her, but make it clear *you* can't go because it would be impossible to relax and unwind with her gambling addiction, lies and subsequent pile of debt being revealed.

I would also privately speak to an attorney to learn ways to protect yourself financially from this point forward. It's not easy to walk away from debt incurred by a spouse to this point, but thinking that there must be ways to protect yourself going forward. I would also be honest with her and tell her that you're doing that if you choose to do so. That way....it's out in the open, all cards on the table time. Hang in there!

 

[DLgal]

OP, rest assured that therapists and psychiatrists work on holiday weekends. They are always available. They have plenty of patients whose crises don't take holidays off.

If you have found help, reach out TODAY to make contact, if even just through email or leaving a voice mail message. Don't put it off.

And run the credit reports TODAY. Like, do it right now. Run all 3 on each of you. You need to know ALL the accounts open in her name (and potentially yours). It's free and can be done online in a few minutes with only social security numbers. This is a legitimate, official link to do so:

https://www.annualcreditreport.com/index.action

 

[Been There]

I made an alias account to respond to you. Here is my story.

I married a lovely man many years ago, low conflict, and we lived a pleasant life for many years. At one point about twenty-five years ago I noticed a financial irregularity and asked him about it. He explained he had made a poor investment and we discussed the importance of making these kinds of decisions together. In complete agreement, we moved forward.

Then about a year later I found another situation, same convo, same apology, same assurance it wouldn’t happen again.

And then I discovered it all. He had drained all the accounts, sold the stocks, emptied the retirement accounts, put a second mortgage on our house and didn’t make the payments.

When he was on business trips we was going to casinos. He lost it all, lying to me by omission every day.

I didn’t want to be cruel, it is disease, he was controlled by a disease. The lying was a symptom of the disease. I stayed with him.

It is about ten years past the discovery. I will never be able to retire. He has medical issues that prevent him from working. I am so sad that this is my life.

I resent him every day. I wish I had left at the second discovery and not waited until I was truly trapped.

The love is gone.

I wish you well, once trust is broken it is difficult to return to the happy life that was actually a fiction.

 

[mjkacmom]

Around here, lack of mental health providers is a crisis. Finding therapists and psychiatrists was a full time job for me when my son had issues, finally got an appointment for an intake with a psychiatric NP weeks later. His therapist is out of network so we pay OOP. Colleges are really struggling, takes a while to get an appointment and students can only be seen a handful of times.