I need help understanding.

[Plannin'Shannon]

Am I missing something here or are these young people just all about themselves?

I promise, those of us in the younger crowd are not all like the young woman you've described!

This has nothing to do with age, but everything to do with entitlement and selfishness. Furthermore, it isnt uncommon for couples to wed privately, then have a celebratory pow-wow at a later date. If this is her desire, more power to her!

As long as she has the cash...

 

[Justanopinion]

have to ask, what happened to make her elope rather than have a wedding?

She says they couldn't wait. No, she was not pregnant or anything like that. She had been living with him for about a month.

I promise, those of us in the younger crowd are not all like the young woman you've described!

This has nothing to do with age, but everything to do with entitlement and selfishness. Furthermore, it isnt uncommon for couples to wed privately, then have a celebratory pow-wow at a later date. If this is her desire, more power to her!

As long as she has the cash...

Funny you should say that. We had a conversation about that also. He is military and she says it is very common for military people to elope and then go back and have a big wedding. I said I only knew of one person who had done that and most of her family and his didn't know they were already married. She seems to think it is very common though.

 

[Beca]

I don't know that it is an "age" thing. My mother re-married about 10 years ago. I was a flight attendant at the time, and she wanted to go ahead and get her fiance my flight benefits from the moment they got engaged. So, they went to Vegas and got married in December. Then, they had a big wedding in May. I think I was the only one who knew they were married already.

For the last 10 years, they have celebrated both dates as their "wedding anniversary". I asked my mom which one is the "real" one, and she always looks shocked and says, "Well, they BOTH are!!"

To each his own, I guess!!

 

[lemondog]

This isn't about young people, it's about selfish people. They can be all shapes, sizes and ages.

My thoughts exactly! Age has nothing to do with it.

 

[Frantasmic]

I think it's ironic that she decries "etiquette" (since young people don't care about that anymore) but desparately wants a traditional first-time-I'm-getting-married wedding.

Some tradition's are more equal than others.

 

[sunnyday123]

This isn't about young people, it's about selfish people. They can be all shapes, sizes and ages.

Poeple don't care about etiquette nowadays??? Are you kidding me? How truly selfish. She's already married. Have a vow renewal, but don't expect family to help pay for it.

I have a family member like this. Got married, didn't tell anyone in the family, didn't (obviously) invite anyone in the family-and is now mad at us all because we didn't even send a card.

 

[Darcy03231]

She says they couldn't wait. No, she was not pregnant or anything like that. She had been living with him for about a month.



Funny you should say that. We had a conversation about that also. He is military and she says it is very common for military people to elope and then go back and have a big wedding. I said I only knew of one person who had done that and most of her family and his didn't know they were already married. She seems to think it is very common though.

My sister and her first husband did something similar. Their wedding was planned, church and reception hall booked, etc. when he got word he was being activated and deployed. They decided to get married in a civil ceremony before he left (although it wasn't a secret) with just immediate family present. When he came back they did a vow renewal and reception. Almost everyone that was invited came (and brought/sent gifts). In their case I think they had a very good reason for what they did and all their friends/family understood.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

My sister and her first husband did something similar. Their wedding was planned, church and reception hall booked, etc. when he got word he was being activated and deployed. They decided to get married in a civil ceremony before he left (although it wasn't a secret) with just immediate family present. When he came back they did a vow renewal and reception. Almost everyone that was invited came (and brought/sent gifts). In their case I think they had a very good reason for what they did and all their friends/family understood.

I think that is a good thing! My cousin has done the same thing. He married his girlfriend before he recently got deployed to Afghanistan, and then they will have a bigger ceremony when he gets home.

I, personally, say whatever floats your boat. But, since it sounds like they've been married awhile and have been living together, they should just have a vows renewal ceremony. She can still get the pretty dress and have the party.

 

[Scurvy]

Add me to the camp that says she already had her wedding. You get one wedding per marriage - she can't have another wedding unless she gets divorced first. Of course she can have a blessing, vow renewal, anniversary party or any other kind of party, but she can't have another wedding for this marriage. It's a shame she seems to be regretting the wedding she chose to have, but it was her choice and she can't change it now.

Of course she's free to throw a fake wedding if she wants to. Most people I know wouldn't attend such a thing, though. They'd find it tacky for her to live out her princess for a day fantasy by expecting everyone to pretend she's getting married. And if she expected people to contribute financially or bring gifts she'd be alienating people for sure.

I don't really think it's an age thing - I've seen people like this of all ages. People are just becoming more self centered these days and they have more of an "anything goes" mindset. They don't care about etiquette unless it's convenient for them.

 

[tzolkin]

He is military and she says it is very common for military people to elope and then go back and have a big wedding. I said I only knew of one person who had done that and most of her family and his didn't know they were already married. She seems to think it is very common though.

My sister and her first husband did something similar. Their wedding was planned, church and reception hall booked, etc. when he got word he was being activated and deployed. They decided to get married in a civil ceremony before he left (although it wasn't a secret) with just immediate family present. When he came back they did a vow renewal and reception. Almost everyone that was invited came (and brought/sent gifts). In their case I think they had a very good reason for what they did and all their friends/family understood.

My cousin did something similar, but they didn't consider themselves really "married". They had their wedding planned for January. Whatever the situation was she couldn't go with her fiance unless they had been married for a certain amount of time. So, they got legally married when he came home in the summer but waited until he came back in January to have the church wedding and reception that they had already been planning. When he left two weeks later she was able to go with him.

Situations like this may be common among military families due to the circumstances, but what was described in the original post does not seem similar in any way-- they eloped several years ago, they were lying about it, etc This just seems like someone who did something stupid because she was trying to be sneaky and not tell her family the truth, but now regrets it and wants a big party and gifts.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

Sounds like she feels entitled to a wedding and feels like she got the shaft.

She needs to remember that she is the one who choose to not go a traditional route and accept the consequences.

In other words, suck it up or pay for it.

Well said!

I don't think it's a young people thing, I think it's a she didn't think before she did things thing. I'm under 30 and I think etiquette is still important and sometimes you have to suck it up and move on so it's not a young generation thing and you aren't an old lady for not understanding this craziness.

 

[Nancyg56]

Situations like this may be common among military families due to the circumstances, but what was described in the original post does not seem similar in any way-- they eloped several years ago, they were lying about it, etc This just seems like someone who did something stupid because she was trying to be sneaky and not tell her family the truth, but now regrets it and wants a big party and gifts.

ITA
FWIW, I don't think it is such a bad thing to want to have a renewal surrounded by family and then have a big shebang after that. I would say have at it, but I would not volunteer to pay for it. This sounds like a girl who was in love with being in love adn thought that the sneaky wedding would be romantic. Then she woke up and saw that her Princess wedding was not going to happen and is regretting the impetuous act. Oh well, actions have consequences. This consequence is that the party is not as significant to everyone else anymore because the reason has changed, the pricetag has gone up because the couple is already married and the gifts will probably not be as nice. In reality, she missed her opportunity to have a wedding ceremony, now it's all just a party.

 

[sbell111]

Wow. This is a hard room.

A woman who wants a 'real' wedding is selfish. I wish that I knew that before I spent big bucks on mine.

Funny you should say that. We had a conversation about that also. He is military and she says it is very common for military people to elope and then go back and have a big wedding. I said I only knew of one person who had done that and most of her family and his didn't know they were already married. She seems to think it is very common though.

It is VERY commonly done.

 

[sbell111]

I think that they should hold the wedding in a place convenient for his family. Her family sounds like a bunch of pills.

 

[Scurvy]

Wow. This is a hard room.

A woman who wants a 'real' wedding is selfish. I wish that I knew that before I spent big bucks on mine.

Of course a woman who wants a real wedding isn't selfish! I don't remember anyone on this thread implying that, though. It's normal to want a "real" wedding. In fact it's pretty hard to get married without one. Now someone who wants to have a real wedding and then have a big fake wedding in addition to the real one. . . I'm not sure I'd call them selfish exactly, but certainly self centered, attention-seeking and tactless. And possibly "gift grabby".

 

[disykat]

What people are objecting to is having a wedding and then having a wedding. No one has objected to having a small wedding followed by another celebration of the wedding with extended family and friends with a blessing or a vow renewal. Trying to pretend you haven't had the first wedding and expecting everyone else to do the same seems very strange. It's not being truthful with your loved ones. (It sounds like her reason for hiding the wedding is so that her parents will pay for the wedding and people will give better gifts thinking they are just starting out.)

I attended a celebration where the couple repeated their vows and had a reception. It was lovely, but everyone knew they were already married. It was very similar to a wedding, but the minister and everyone else was clear they were repeating/retaking vows they had already made.

 

[rie'smom]

OP, the girl sounds too immature to even get married.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

It is VERY commonly done.

Yes it is. (the military having a quickie legal wedding and a real wedding shindig later)

It's not so common to lie to your parents and other family and then ask them to pay for it though!

 

[tink_n_pooh]

I just can't get over the fact that she is married but is hiding it, or was trying to hide it

 

[trip]

\
I'm with you. Tell her to have a wedding if she wants. But she should understand that there are family members who may not be willing to go to another state to see her get married again. And certainly they don't need a bridal shower and wedding gifts. They already have an established householdMaybe you could encourage her to fly to Jamaica and have a lovely wedding on the beach. Maybe she'd feel like she had a real wedding, then.

Bolding is mine. So everyone who already lives together shouldn't expect to receive showers or gifts?

Funny you should say that. We had a conversation about that also. He is military and she says it is very common for military people to elope and then go back and have a big wedding. I said I only knew of one person who had done that and most of her family and his didn't know they were already married. She seems to think it is very common though.

My DD just had a small wedding with only parents and siblings in April. They are going to have a huge second wedding/renewal (whatever you want to call it) with big white dress, bridesmaids etc. next May. The reason is that her Marine husband was going to be activated and they didn't have enough time for the wedding they wanted. All of our extended families and friends can't wait for it!!!! He is in Iraq right now on his second deployment. He should return in April.


As for the original couple if "a few" years have already passed, maybe she could wait for their 5th Anniversary and have her renewal/recommitment. Let her wear a white dress if she wants. Nowadays wearing white doesn't really signify much anyway. If they started saving now they could do it themselves. Family and friends would hopefully support her with this.