I love my husband, but.....

[SaraJayne]

I find it rude...I am a SAHM, but my job is NOT to go around picking up after everyone. If you get a dish out, you rinse it and put it away...if you open it, you shut it....if you dropped it, you pick it up...if you got it out, you put it back. It is called being responsible for yourself and considerate of others. My thought is...if you can make the effort to get it all out, then you can make the effort to put it all back. If not, you are just being lazy and inconsiderate of the others in the house. I am famous for saying...."if you made the mess and don't feel like cleaning up after YOURSELF, how do you think I feel about cleaning up YOUR mess?". My feelings would be hurt too if my dh left the kitchen a mess on a regular basis. I say vent away!

 

[ccgirl]

You're kidding! How did you get wrangled into that? And why can't she clean up after herself, especially if you are paying her?

Because I feel bad. She was a single mom when I was growing up. Doesn't have retirement and never really had high paying jobs so she doesn't get much in social security. Top it off that she has some medical issues that require expensive meds. So....I agreed to let her watch other children in my home but am very much looking forward to when she is not providing the daycare in my home and I can save some money.

Ummm, no. Our bug guy treats the outside of the house to keep the ants from coming in. It works like a charm.
I truly believe that everyone should be allowed to sit down and relax after a long day at work. It shouldn't just be something that is occasionally allowed.In all fairness, it is YOUR mother's mess.In that case, we would have simply told your mother that the daycare was no longer welcome in our home.

[/QUOTE]

The problem is, we both have worked all day. How would the house get clean, the dinner cooked, the kids get bathed, put to bed, lunches made etc if we both sat down for 3 hours a night? That's what he does. Sits down every night for 3 hours while I do everything. I'm not just talking about my mother's mess. I'm talking about chores/responsibilites that need to be done daily. It might have been easy to say that (daycare was no longer in my home) but if she had nowhere for the daycare she would have lost her house and everything else. I just couldn't do that to my mom after all she did for me growing up. Now that my sister is adding on to her house, her house is big enough for the daycare and she can have all the fun.

My point is, one person is sitting while the other does all the work is rude. I work out of the home FT but even SAHM mom's work all day. It is just different locations. Everyone needs a break sometimes. If both DH and DW do the chores/responsibilities then it is done twice as quickly and they can both relax together without resentment.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

No, I don't expect for him to empty the dishwasher, but I would like it if he would rinse his dishes off! He wakes up every morning, has a bowl of ceral and makes his lunch, and then puts it all in the sink. Then I have to scrape off all the dried up ceral and milk. It would only take him a second to rinse out the bowl!

Are you serious?

Your husband makes his own breakfast and lunch and you're complaining about the bowl that he left in the sink?

I have some advice to all women - get a cleaning lady to come in once a week (or more) if you can afford it.

It will make you feel less resentful towards your husband and what he doesn't do around the house.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

I agree!!!!
There is a big difference between 'the woman takes care of the home' and 'you are my personal maid'....

My DH grew up with his parents... where his mother, the quintessential 1950's 'breast-feed my husband and change his diapers' mentality...

I fully believe that he, subconciensly, feels that this is a woman's obligation, and that SINCE HE HAS CERTAIN BODY PARTS, THIS IS JUST SOMETHING THAT HE IS ALMOST ENTITLED TOO.

Now, he doesn't leave huge messes...
So, in that regard, it really isn't that bad.
But, this is a man who has never boiled water, cleaned a toilet/shower/floor, taken care of a child's needs, or anything else....
He has NO freakin' clue.
He doesn't even know how to show appreciation and love for all that I have given and done. he doesn't even see it. (classic male neurological narcissism)



I can tell you that if he actually, verbally, said, that it was my job to clean up his messes, I would NOT be here....
That does not sound like a respectful 'healthy' relationship.

If your husband is so bad, why do you stay with him?

 

[ccgirl]

Are you serious?

Your husband makes his own breakfast and lunch and you're complaining about the bowl that he left in the sink?

I have some advice to all women - get a cleaning lady to come in once a week (or more) if you can afford it.

It will make you feel less resentful towards your husband and what he doesn't do around the house.

It was better when I had my cleaning lady. She came twice a month and it was wonderful. Sadly, with the economy we both took paycuts that necessitated getting rid of the cleaning lady.

I think if a DW or DH doesn't mind doing all the chores, then great. But...it one wants help the other should give help without moaning. When my DH does help; I am sure to thank him and let him know how much I appreciate it.

 

[KCK]

Mars.
Venus.

Some of you need to chill. We ARE wired differently, and that is creation's plan or else there wouldn't be so many of us. In the animal kingdom, males and females often behave very differently, but you don't find the female mosquito kvetching "why do I always have to suck the blood and risk getting my butt smacked??"

I leave cabinet doors open. (I also do whack my head on them sometimes). I also cook at least half the time, clean the entire kitchen above knee level (bad knees, she takes care of the below knee level), shop for groceries when she asks me to, wash the dishes. I also repair everything that breaks or makes an odd noise, and research every purchase over around $100 so the family saves money.

She does a boatload too, AND works outside the home like I do. We occasionally spar about things but usually we get along cool. What we DON'T do is keep a count of who's doing what... that's a surefire road to frustration.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey ciao...

RE-read my post...
I said he DOESN'T leave messes...
And I also said - IF - he actually said that these things (picking up after him, etc...) were my job... then I wouldn't be here.

If every wife of a husband who tended to have the perception that these things were mostly the woman's responsibility left her husband... There wouldn't be any real number of marriages left!!!

We're venting here....
If you have a problem with it... sorry...

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm the SAHM here. But apart from the food wrapper, you could describe the way poor DH finds the kitchen every evening! He washes the dishes and does the clean sink thing, and then things just explode once I wake up. Poor guy.

I don't think either one of us thinks that the other thinks we're a maid though (he doesn't always put his clothes in the laundry room but I pick 'em up anyway...after all, I don't always put my clothes in the laundry room!).

 

[Wishing on a star]

Mars.
I also cook at least half the time, clean the entire kitchen above knee level (bad knees, she takes care of the below knee level), shop for groceries when she asks me to, wash the dishes. I also repair everything that breaks or makes an odd noise, and research every purchase over around $100 so the family saves money.

She does a boatload too, AND works outside the home like I do.

Sounds good to me!
Especially the part where you recognize and appreciate that she does a boatload too!!!!

I don't think husbands like you are the ones that we are kvetching about!

 

[KCK]

Sounds good to me!
Especially the part where you recognize and appreciate that she does a boatload too!!!!

I don't think husbands like you are the ones that we are kvetching about!

My point exactly... if we were to open our eyes and ears more and shut our mouths more, the world would indeed be a better place.

 

[mumom95]

It works like a charm.
I truly believe that everyone should be allowed to sit down and relax after a long day at work. It shouldn't just be something that is occasionally allowed.

[/QUOTE]

So, the dh works hard during the day, the SAHM or working mom works hard all day, both are allowed to sit down and relax every evening.

Who takes the kids to their activities, cooks dinner, makes the lunches for tomorrow, etc.... all the things that usually need to be done in the evening? If both adults are allowed to relax (because I'm sure both worked hard during the day, no matter what their responisibilites are) who does all that?

 

[Hercules10]

Too many women spending too much time on this thread. Back in the kitchen mit'cha!

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Hey ciao...

RE-read my post...
I said he DOESN'T leave messes...
And I also said - IF - he actually said that these things (picking up after him, etc...) were my job... then I wouldn't be here.

If every wife of a husband who tended to have the perception that these things were mostly the woman's responsibility left her husband... There wouldn't be any real number of marriages left!!!

We're venting here....
If you have a problem with it... sorry...

No problem, vent away...it just seems that you post much about your unhappiness with your husband and in-laws.

or maybe I have you confused with a different poster.

If that's the case, my apologies.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You remember correctly!!!

And, yes, unfortunately, the DH-&-inlaws thing was indeed a big issue... a serious one.

It is not that I actually started threads and gave a lot of details, but when others have posted about family/inlaw issues, I have indeed given my advice, along with the acknowledgement that I have BTDT.

Thank goodness most of that is history!!!!

But, yes, I will admit that my husband is the product of the 1950's, man sits down and says 'bring me a sandwich' scenario. Don't get me wrong... He does try! He is actually helping to clean the kitchen after supper right now. So, it's not like I am leaving him... But it's not like he doesn't have that classic men don't clean toilets, floors, windows, etc.... etc... etc.... basic underlying thing going.

 

[shortbun]

I don't know what to tell ya. I'd be kicking his behind.

 

[okeydokey]

I don't think the problem is really the crumbs and the cabinets. I think the OP may be feeling just a lack of common courtesy from her husband. How much effort is closing a cabinet door or rinsing a dish? He doesn't bother doing even these little things and I think it's a reflection of his attitude about her worth in the family. She said he mows the lawn. How would he feel if every time just before he dragged out the lawnmower, she went out and had a picnic on the lawn and then left all the mess behind so he would clean it all up before he could mow?

 

[MushyMushy]

Is this purely a male thing? The only person I've ever known to do this is DH. My stepfather, my uncle, my nephew (all men I have lived with for extended periods) never left cabinets open. I think maybe he was raised differently.

I'm really bad for leaving cupboards open too. I'll do something in the kitchen and when I go back in later, I'll notice that I've left nearly all the cabinets open. I shut them at that point, but I have no idea why I leave them open in the first place.

 

[counselormom]

How about just gathering it all up, dirty
dishes, empty wrappers, dirty clothes on the floor,
all of it and put it in the front seat of his car with a very sweet note that
says, "Honey, I'm sure you didn't mean to leave these things out, but that's okay you can keep them in here. Have a great day!"

 

[RadioFanatic]

Because I feel bad. She was a single mom when I was growing up. Doesn't have retirement and never really had high paying jobs so she doesn't get much in social security. Top it off that she has some medical issues that require expensive meds. So....I agreed to let her watch other children in my home but am very much looking forward to when she is not providing the daycare in my home and I can save some money.

You are a very good daughter.

 

[mhsjax]

Ummm, no. Our bug guy treats the outside of the house to keep the ants from coming in. It works like a charm.
I truly believe that everyone should be allowed to sit down and relax after a long day at work. It shouldn't just be something that is occasionally allowed.In all fairness, it is YOUR mother's mess.In that case, we would have simply told your mother that the daycare was no longer welcome in our home.

[/QUOTE]

Well good for you that your bug man sprays and it works like a charm. WE get have ants, sometimes they come in and sometimes they don't you can argue all you want. My point is there is no way I would want something sticky left out over night, especially in the bedroom, it is disgusting and invites trouble.