I leave Oct 7th - so far disfunction is an understatement

[itsdisneytime]

Well, I should be doing a happy dance right now but instead I am dredding this trip coming because as soon as it starts it will be over. I made a horrible decision to allow my friend and her daughter to come along this trip (knowing that we did not travel well together 3 years ago) ...

Normally I go alone with my DD9 as my DH and I own a business of which he usually will never leave. ... ... ..

Now my DH has decided to come to WDW for 2 days during the middle of our trip to surprise our DD 9 ... HE IS ACTUALLY going to come to the MNSSHP we are going to and he will be dressed up and then take off his disguise to surprise her. .... im thrilled and actually thrilled for my DD to see how it feels to have her father there. We have taken 6 trips in her life and none of which has he ever made an effort to come on. (long story of a semi disfunctional marriage) ....

whats bad about that though is it has caused my friend to really be uncomfortable and upset ... IDK why as we have a 2 bedroom villa and he is only staying 2 very short days out of our 10 day vacation ... (did i mention that I fully paid for the villa and did not ask her to pay for anything except her park tickets) ... ALSO --- because she wont fly, I agreed to drive with her from VA TO FL ... which is crazy because its only an 1 1/2 hour flight!!!

after I have been so nice and so bend over backwards for her this is how she is going to treat me .. she is giving me the silent treatment and has only sent me a 1 line email to ask me how much spending money to bring .. other than that she has not helped me make plans or called to speak to me and be excited or anything since she found out my husband would fly in for 2 days. I really feel like offering to pay for her tickets she bought so far and tell her just to stay home because she is killing my good feeling that i get from going to Disney. i DO NOT understand how she could not be happy for my DD that her do nothing father had decided to do SOMETHING ... and its not like he is bad to be around or mean or anything --- quite the opposite, he is the pay for everything type of guy and buy everyone gifts while he is there (just to be flashy albeit) but he is very very giving and insistant to always pay for everyones way .... I dont get it I just DONT GET IT ... and im so irritated with her that she knows that I have been sick and yet she just wont set her insecurities aside about how she feels about being the 3rd wheel to a family vacation ... I even told her that she is my family, closer to me than my own sister and she shouldnt feel like she would be out of place .....

AAAGh im totally frustrated and worried that this cloud of doom hanging over my trip is going to make it rain on it the whole time.

I hope all of you out here on DIS land are having better days / trips than I am

 

[Mama Who]

Please don't take this wrong...

Reading your post I wouldn't want to travel with you and your spouse together either.

A marriage that is referred to as semi-dysfunctional where one spouse calles the other things like, "her do nothing father" is probably really, really uncomfortable to be around. I suspect your friend is dreading the awkwardness and hostility that such a relatonship often brings to travel. I know I had one friend who I simply could not stand to be around with her boyfriend because of the way he spoke to her.

I hope all of you have a wonderful time. Maybe the magic of the mouse will help.

 

[Phatoomch]

Ummmm sorry but you did post so you obviously want feedback ....

I would be more concerned about why your friend is so uncomfortable & unhappy that your DH is coming. To me, thats odd. Yes I know that not all friends like spouses & vice versa but to be THAT upset is weird to me...

 

[ZehnJahren]

If she's only sent you a one-line email since you found this out, here's what I would do.

i would call her tonight and say "look, it's obvious you aren't happy about DH coming down for a few nights in the middle of the trip, but we'll be in separate rooms and I'm really excited for my daughter. Is this something you can get over?" If she balks or gets mad or freaks out, I'd say again "I don't want to lose your friendship over this, and I don't want to put a cloud over our trip. My husband is coming down. Can you get over this?" If she says no, then tell her since everything is in your name, she should call right away to get a room for her and her child, and that you can still meet up and do everything else you had planned - but that she will need to get her own room for this vacation, as you will not ruin this trip for yourself or your daughter for no reason.

If she balks at THAT, then she's probably not the kind of friend you want to keep.

 

[Pakey]

Whether or not the villa is free, I wouldn't be too happy to find out, after making plans for vacation, that a man will be staying there with me, especially the husband in a semi dysfunctional marriage.

If you had told her before plans were made that your husband might be coming, then you have a right to be upset now that he has firmed up these plans. But if the intent was just a mom/kid trip, I'd be upset too if now everything is changed.

Sorry, I know that's not the answer you wanted. We own a boatload of DVC points and give them away to friends and family. I never think I've got the right to direct their vacation just because I give them free lodging.

 

[KCMiller]

Soooo . . .

You're traveling with a woman and her daughter who you already KNOW you had trouble traveling with the last time. You're paying for 10 days worth of a two bedroom villa (that's a lotta money!). Instead of flying, you've agreed to spend a huge amount of time, trapped in a car with this woman and her daughter, who again, you already know you don't want to travel with. She won't talk to you, won't plan anything, and is now annoyed that your husband, who I'm assuming foots some of this huge bill, is making time to come down to spend time with his daughter.

Close like family? Close like a sister? Honey, you can't choose your family, but you can sure as heck choose your friends, and she sounds like the wrong person to be spending this much money, time and angst on. And by the way, who are you responsible to, in the end - who should you care about making happy, and being supportive of, and protecting? Your OWN daughter? Your husband? Why are you putting yourself, her and him through this?

Friends like this, you don't need.

KC

 

[KatieCollette]

I think you're going to get a lot of dissenting opinions on here, but I think it all boils down to this:

Your husband is coming. And it will make your daughter happy. And that's her problem.

If she is so close to you, be straight up honest with her, and tell her that there's nothing she can do about it, get over it, and enjoy your vacation. He's only coming for two days! And you have your own bedrooms! I suggest you telling her that she's on her own those two days so she won't be there causing problems. I'm guessing that she's hoping the cold shoulder will make you change your mind about your husband coming. Don't let her change your mind. Its just two freaking days!

 

[Phatoomch]

Look, I cannot stand my best friends hubby because of the way he treats her BUT I put up with him for her sake and I certainly don't give her a hard time over it.

This woman seems to have taken his arrival personally and I just find it weird she is acting this way.

The OP definitely needs to have a very open conversation with her friend and get to the bottom of it.

 

[Nissi]

Can you friend possibly get a room for those two days?

 

[LuvLuvLuv]

Okay... here's my opinion...

It's 2 days out of 10. I would suggest she and her daughter tour alone those days. You've been very generous for paying for the room, and very kind to drive instead of fly. If you're staying in a 2 bedroom... depending on which villa-- you should request a lock-off type room. This will be like 2 separate hotel rooms and should provide privacy for the days he is in town.

I am glad he is coming for your daughter--that's really what matters.

 

[Sorsha]

Look, I cannot stand my best friends hubby because of the way he treats her BUT I put up with him for her sake and I certainly don't give her a hard time over it.

This woman seems to have taken his arrival personally and I just find it weird she is acting this way.

The OP definitely needs to have a very open conversation with her friend and get to the bottom of it.

This EXACTLY. I could have written this post myself, right down to the "I cannot stand my best friend's hubby because of the way he treats her BUT I put up with him for her sake" part.

BUT. He is coming down to spend time with his/their daughter and he deserves some credit for that. If friend can't deal with it for a couple of days she should probably just tour alone for those few days.

 

[Tiger926]

I'm with everyone else...a bit confuzzled...

The OP says that the friend is like family, yet she can't have a discussion with her about the trip arrangements, and now the friend is upset at hubby coming along. Why?

Based on OP's post, her and hubby obviously don't have a great marriage, so do they fight in front of people (including DD) or do the friend and hubby have a history together? Why is she so irritated and anxious about the hubby arriving for 2 days? Something is amiss here...

Something doesn't compute here - OP knew that this may be a problem, yet she invited them along anyway, which was generous of her, but not a great idea.

I'm not sure about any of these relationships in question. It's a vacation for goodness sakes, and so if they can't discuss arrangements, how in the heck are they going to drive down and spend 10 days together?

This does not sound like a good situation at all - OP is resentful of what she has done as it seems like she feels friend is not grateful, and now I suspect with friend's reaction to hubby coming along, she feels in the middle of making her DD happy or her friend.

It is a weird situation all around. Best of luck OP, Tiger

 

[disnut8]

My opinion - you ain't married to your friend and you didn't give birth to her so she's waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy down on your list of priorities. Put your family first, your friends second and if your friend can't deal with it, then she can stay home.

 

[Phatoomch]

or do the friend and hubby have a history together? Why is she so irritated and anxious about the hubby arriving for 2 days? Something is amiss here...

Exactly what I am thinking!

 

[itsdisneytime]

And this is why I love the DIS ...

I understand all of the points above. My friend and I used to spend A LOT of time together -- despite her living 1 1/2 hours away from me after college. Then we had children 3 months apart and we spent less and less time together -- our last trip ended badly and well, a lot of things have changed in my life the past 18 months. I do tend to call my husband a "do nothing father" but that comes from my frustration of being married to a successful business owner who does not take time out of work to do fun things with us ... however as someone pointed out ... he absolutely will foot the bill and send us with as much money as I feel we need *(now, does that take the place of him, no absolutely not) * ....... and did that make me hold resentment ... yes and no but mainly yes.

I was diagnosed with cancer 18 months ago and had surgery, underwent 2 rounds of treatments and now am "cancer free" so to speak .. with cautious testing for the next 3 years and hopefully no more issues, then I can for sure say cancer free. But .... my "friend" was such a big asset to me during my recovery that this is how the talks of Disney came about .. and well, it was my favorite past time when I didnt feel good to come and plan my trip. ... ... .... before I knew it, she was coming along and I thought all was well. I had really high hopes that this trip would be magical and different and really really fun ..... .. .. . My husband and I have really come a long way in our 13 year marriage ... Our anniversary is Oct 22nd and well, I can honestly say I am looking forward to him coming and seeing what makes "us" so happy, just him coming for 2 days shows me more effort than he has put into us "time wise" not financially ....

I am hoping that she will lighten up and stop dreading my husband coming and then she will be fine once he leaves. It is something I definitely have to take into consideration though (her whole attitude towards him coming) ... I have tried to talk to her about it and she clams up and just says that it will have to be okay and that it will only be 2 days and that she would have never chosen to go on vacation with a family. . .. .. .... . .

 

[*love*2*shop]

This is an Awesome Idea!!

If she's only sent you a one-line email since you found this out, here's what I would do.

i would call her tonight and say "look, it's obvious you aren't happy about DH coming down for a few nights in the middle of the trip, but we'll be in separate rooms and I'm really excited for my daughter. Is this something you can get over?" If she balks or gets mad or freaks out, I'd say again "I don't want to lose your friendship over this, and I don't want to put a cloud over our trip. My husband is coming down. Can you get over this?" If she says no, then tell her since everything is in your name, she should call right away to get a room for her and her child, and that you can still meet up and do everything else you had planned - but that she will need to get her own room for this vacation, as you will not ruin this trip for yourself or your daughter for no reason.

If she balks at THAT, then she's probably not the kind of friend you want to keep.

 

[leebee]

Gee... DD18, DH, and I will be in a room at POP Century from 10/7 to 10/11. We would be happy to let your friend come stay in our tiny room with two double beds, no fridge, just a food court, etc., for a few nights and we will come stay with you in your wonderful villa!! I promise, we'll tour on our own, and we have park tickets and free dining so we'll stay totally out of your hair!!

JK... OP, you are in a pickle. Talk to your friend... Maybe her feelings are hurt because she was thinking this was a recovery/bonding experience and now your DH is "intruding" in the relationship you'd developed? IDK... but good luck!!

 

[MHSweb79]

You really should get this settled before you go. Otherwise you're all going to be miserable before, during and after what's supposed to be a fun vacation at the happiest place on earth.

I would tell her, "Look, I know things changed since we first made plans. But DD will be thrilled to see her father there, even if it's only for 2 days out of the 10, and I'm not going to let anything ruin that for her. You are free to back out if you want, no hard feelings, or you could get a separate room for those two days. Otherwise, suck it up and get over it!"

Well, OK, I let my natural personality take over for that last bit, but you can put your own filter on it, right?

And PS- congratulations on beating cancer! You've been through a lot- don't let anyone else bring you down. Life is too precious!

 

[Missyrose]

One suggestion for the OP, if you do have a talk with your friend, make sure you have a backup plan for getting to WDW, since she is scheduled to be your ride.

 

[figmentswife]

You asked.....

I think your friend is upset that she will have to share you with DH....Is she in a relationship???? If not, this may be part of why she is having a hard time. From what you have said...Married, kid, money, recovered illness....these are things that others can see as "she has more then me, better then me, she even recovered from cancer" You sound (what little I know) like to her you have the "blessed" life. Also, if she is your closest friend she knows all the good, the bad and the ugly of your DH...I assume she is the one you complain to about him (as all wives do) she may be pre-conditioned to dislike him if all she hears is...he's always at work, he never spends time with his DD or me etc...

And...I will be there October 8-15 - I will give her my POP room also, and DH,DD and I will come stay with you guys while your DH is there. I can get along with most people and he doesn't even need to buy me anything.

But really, you do need to try to figure out what is going on with her. My guess is that she cant' afford (or she would have offered her part of the resort fee) to stay on her own, and she feels like she has no other options to give your family time for that 2 days. BUT - this is your vacation also, and you need to not have this cloud over you when you go.

Good luck