I leave Oct 7th - so far disfunction is an understatement

[Tiger926]

And this is why I love the DIS ...

I understand all of the points above. My friend and I used to spend A LOT of time together -- despite her living 1 1/2 hours away from me after college. Then we had children 3 months apart and we spent less and less time together -- our last trip ended badly and well, a lot of things have changed in my life the past 18 months. I do tend to call my husband a "do nothing father" but that comes from my frustration of being married to a successful business owner who does not take time out of work to do fun things with us ... however as someone pointed out ... he absolutely will foot the bill and send us with as much money as I feel we need *(now, does that take the place of him, no absolutely not) * ....... and did that make me hold resentment ... yes and no but mainly yes.

I was diagnosed with cancer 18 months ago and had surgery, underwent 2 rounds of treatments and now am "cancer free" so to speak .. with cautious testing for the next 3 years and hopefully no more issues, then I can for sure say cancer free. But .... my "friend" was such a big asset to me during my recovery that this is how the talks of Disney came about .. and well, it was my favorite past time when I didnt feel good to come and plan my trip. ... ... .... before I knew it, she was coming along and I thought all was well. I had really high hopes that this trip would be magical and different and really really fun ..... .. .. . My husband and I have really come a long way in our 13 year marriage ... Our anniversary is Oct 22nd and well, I can honestly say I am looking forward to him coming and seeing what makes "us" so happy, just him coming for 2 days shows me more effort than he has put into us "time wise" not financially ....

I am hoping that she will lighten up and stop dreading my husband coming and then she will be fine once he leaves. It is something I definitely have to take into consideration though (her whole attitude towards him coming) ... I have tried to talk to her about it and she clams up and just says that it will have to be okay and that it will only be 2 days and that she would have never chosen to go on vacation with a family. . .. .. .... . .

Congrats on beating cancer! What an amazing milestone.

I guess I'm still confused...if your friend and you are so close, then she should know how much your hubby visiting will mean to both you and your daughter. She seems to not be able to rectify herself to this at all, so I think you need to really make a decision about asking her to get her own room.

Her reaction still seems weird to me...it's only 2 days, so why can't she handle that?

I wish you luck, and I really feel that if this is as important to you and your daughter as you are presenting to us, then you need to handle it with your friend ASAP, so that the trip is not ruined. It was really nice of you to invite her along, and pay for most everything, so she then needs to be understanding and tolerant of this new arrangement, unless there is some other reason that you haven't told us about, I would see no reason for her not to be able to accept this for 2 days.

It's hubby's money that is paying for her to stay in that room, so if she can't handle him being there, then she can get her own room.

Tiger

 

[myjourney]

I would tell her that you are sorry but this is not going to work, offer to purchase the tickets and leave her out of the trip. Have fun with your daughter and husband, life is to short for friends like that.

If you really want to keep the friendship then schedule a trip at another time with her.

 

[Jenngoofys]

With your last post stating she would have never chosen to travel with a family, My conclusions is this :

Maybe she worries about her child seeing this Happy Family time and thinking her child would be sad? Maybe thinking her child would see this and want this as well? And maybe this isnt an option for them?

Other than that i cannot come up with any reason she should act so strangely.

 

[itsdisneytime]

Hi friends.

I cant remember which one of you hit the nail on the head the closest because a few of you really put a light bulb on in my head.


she is not married, the father of her daughter was killed in a car accident 2 years ago (he was known to have been drunk when he ran into the interstate wall and instantly died). She is sort of a bumb on a log ... rather heavy set and sort of set in her ways (she is a cpa and makes good money) and she can budget better than anyone I know so Im sure she has the money to pay for the villa herself if she wanted to but she is cheap *or frugal* and I am just the opposite .. I want everyone to have fun and share in what I have so I try as hard as I may not to use that as ammunition or to have given an opportunity with expectations but I honestly do not feel it is expecting too much to ask her to be thrilled about going. I mean, I am not asking her to hold my hands jumping up and down screaming like school girls that we are going to Disney in 8 days but SOMETHING rather than nothing would be better.

And yes, I have confided in her over the years about everything ... but, besides my DH being at work all the time its not like we fight ... I mean, I do complain TRUST ME ... I do *to her* .. but as sad as this might sound to some of you, whereas my dd is concerned ..... she is a competitive dancer with a VERY STRICT studio dance schedule (not to mention her shows and competitions) ... so she just knows we are in school and then the dance studio .. .she is really too young to understand that her mother is lonely --- she idolizes her father and doesn't see us as passing ships ... rather, she see's her father as the cool one of us who spends all this money on her and gives her what she wants ( believe me, i worry that one day she will realize her dad was not around much .. but for now, I keep my loneliness to a dull moan and I use my friend as my whipping boy for how I feel) ...

You know, the only real thing I can think of is that yes, she will be worried her daughter may be jealous that my dd has a dad and she doesnt now -- BUT .. in all honesty, when her DD comes to visit us she really latches onto my husband and they go 4 wheeling and all sorts of stuff on the 2 days she spends with us on the rare weekend I get her anymore ... so I thought she would enjoy having my DH there to run around with. Also, my friend is quite heavy set as I may have mentioned ... and my DH is known to really watch what he eats and he really tries to lift weights and exercise as much as possible .... now, I don't know if she is embarrassed to be around but she shouldn't be ...

Im really gun shy about what more to try and talk to her about .. honestly I am so afraid that I will say something to offend her. I certainly dont want to say what I feel which is what someone else said : hey, Ill just buy your tickets off of you that you already paid for, and since Ive already reserved the rental car in my name and paid for it and since the villa is in my name and paid for ... you just back out gracefully now and we will agree to talk another time like this never took place .... BUT I KNOW HER DD IS NOTHING LIKE HER AND SHE IS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING!

aaagh, thanks you all, I mean really. I cannot talk to my husband about this as I dont want to spread the drama or negativity .. i do not want him to not feel welcomed ... as someone else pointed out, I mean, I am married to the man and my daughter is my priority out of ANY OF THEM ... I will make sure to keep posting on this thread how things are going ..if any of you all want a soap opera .. you just stay posted. To those of you who offered to let her stay there and you stay with me .. (all jokes aside I may be desperate for a nice family to talk to while this drama fest is going on) ... maybe we can meet for an adult beverage somewhere which should be really hilarious to watch considering how very often I drink *not* lol.

 

[stitch34]

Well, I think the friend shouldn't make a big deal of your husband coming. I think it's wonderful he's coming, and so neat how he'll surprise your child!
Geez, it's only 2 out of 10 days... would think someone would be able to handle that.
and perhaps her child it seems would also enjoy your hubby being there.
My kids' dad died when they were 3 and 1 years old.... if we were in your friend's situation, nope, wouldn't bother me one bit if your hubby came along for those 2 days. yes, I'm alone... kids fatherless... but really, that's an everyday reality for us and wouldn't want to begrude another child fun with their dad just because mine can't.

You make the plans, do what you want for this trip.... she follows your plans (of course, including if she has anything must do she'd like fit in), and otherwise if she cops an attitude, well, she can do something else.
Maybe she thinks she'll feel awkward now intruding on a family with their dad... just show her that she's happily included and not intruding at all. Maybe look at it as hey, now me and you as friends can have some time together, hubby is off with your daughter.
and very generous for you to pay for the room, and take that awful drive instead of flying.
Go, have fun... and don't worry about it! You can't please everyone all the time, and don't ruin your trip by worrying about her. have fun, include her in the fun - she can always go back to the room early if she's not into it or whatever.

 

[SnipsNSnails]

I can see it from both sides for sure but I think you should think long and hard about the position you are putting her in. This is not what she signed up for so to speak. She thought she was going on a girls trip not being the third wheel to a family trip. You've made it obvious what a big deal this is for you as a family and who in their right mind would want to intrude on that? If she is not familiar with Disney, it could be very overwhelming to think she should go away and leave you all alone to your family bonding. She might also feel stuck because she can't afford to go to her own room and on the other hand maybe can't afford Disney on her own so it's something she really wanted to do with you and your DD. I'm shocked at all the suggestions that she suck it up it go away so you can have family time when in essence she is your guest. You've invited her on this trip and are now changing it up on her. I'd be bending over backwards to be sure she was comfortable and assuring her that you aren't going to abandon her. If it were me, I'd probably have thought about extending my trip on either side for the family time rather than having it in the middle of your trip you planned with her. Just because you are paying doesn't mean that her feelings don't count. I'm rather surprised that she hasn't simply decided to stay home.

 

[Junebugwv]

She would do herself a big favor if she would get a room for herself and her daughter for those 2 days. A break in the middle of the vacation would be good for everyone.

 

[lookame]

I'm going to explain her point of veiw since I have an understanding of her now. She signed on for a binding mother daughter trip with another mother and daughter, something like a celebration of your remission and it be a girl time of sorts for the 4 of you where you can all do girly things and such. Plus she's a real good friend who stuck by you during your time of need and maybe she somewhat expected this to be a trip where you can reconnect OUTSIDE of your illness. She also sounds like perhaps she has a touch of depression since her daughters father died. Seeing a happy family together may make her feel even more depressed and awkward and lonely. On top of it all she may have developed some ideals of your husband being that you have called him names and such and she may feel even worse around him. Or she just may have hoped you would have discussed it with her before just changing the plan on her...or at least mentioned it instead of this is what is happening.

At any rate when you talk to her you can tell her for the two days he'll be there her daughter and her can enjoy a park or two by themselves as a mother daughter bonding time or you all can enjoy the parks together but this is important to you as he has made an effort to surprise your daughter(and maybe do some repair work on a somewhat fractured marraige). You are still looking forward to your bonding time with them and enjoying Disney and can't wait for it to be here. Maybe hereing your enthusiam will rile her up and get her excited as well. Good Luck

 

[Nadia_disfan]

Personally I think your hubby is wrong to do this, you guys need a FAMILY vacation, not one he can pop in and out of, upsetting people along the way, my dad was similar to this and the memory your daughter likely to have is dad came on holiday and on,y stayed 2 days ! ... You should to talk to dh and arrange your own Disney vacation, he's taking the easy way out here and will probably feel like he's done his bit for a while... NO! You need a family proper holiday that you can look forward to so your child knows that her father wants to be with her and her mum! .. I feel for you, I hope the people around you can stop and think about their actions, and good luck with your recovery x

 

[verlee]

My first thought was What? Why would she be upset? But I think I have a better understanding now. You are upset with her because she has gotten quiet and is not as excited as you. From what I have read she isn't complaining or saying negative things. I think she is nervous. She may think she is now the intruder into family time she knows you need and are excited about. She may even know you would prefer the time alone with your family. She may have bad feelings about your husband and is reluctant to spend time with him, especially sharing living space with him. She just may be nervous about sharing her living space with any man she does not know well.

I would comfort/ reassure her. Give her an invitation to join the fun but tell her it is ok if she needs an out for those two days. I would not worry too much about her excitement. It will come once you all are there.
After all you changed the plans not her. Even though you are paying for the villa, once you invited her it became her family vacation too. I know you did not mean it to be rude as you are very excited to have your husband finally join the family but it kinda was. It should have been discussed with her.

I can understand her nervousness. I would be uncomfortable if I did not know the husband very well. (I would not say that to my friend who has just recovered from Cancer and it is the first time her husband has joined their family for a vacation...who also is also generous enough to pay for my room.)