I know I'm overreacting -- vent.

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Background info: My 9 year old has a best friend who he's had since both boys were 3. They spend a lot of time together, go to the same school, play on the same sports teams etc . . . They both have other friends, but they're together most of the time.

Background info #2: For the past 4 years we've had an annual Halloween party -- very simple, kids come to our apartment, eat pizza and then we all go trick or treating. There's a core of kids who come every year, including BF, and a kid I'll call A from school, and then there a couple of kids who used to come but moved away, and a couple who have been added more recently. A is friends with DS and BF, probably spends equal time with both, but I think likes BF a little better. But they are definitely all friends.

My 9 year old just came home and told me that BF can't come trick or treating this year because he's going to A's party on that day.

I don't object to A having a party, I don't object to A inviting BF, but can't he invite my kid too? It seems harsh to not invite the kid who has invited you the past 4 years (and who you've invited to your birthday party which is this weekend, so you clearly still like).

So now I'm torn, do I go ahead and invite people to my party and then if an invitation comes to A's (I know DS would rather be at BF's party than at a party at our house without his 2 closest friends). Do I call BF's mom (whom I'm close to) and confirm that there's really a party that DS is not invited to? Do I call A's mom and play dumb and pretend that I'm just inviting A. Also, we usually trick or treat on BF's street, becase we live in a high rise a few blocks away that doesn't allow trick or treating -- do I still go to BF's house (A lives across town) or do we pick a whole new neighborhood to go to?

DS is being a real trooper -- you can tell he's disappointed but he's not complaining -- I'm the one who seems the most upset.

 

[bambootinker]

I would have guessed he didn't invite your kid, because you always do your own thing that day.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I would have guessed he didn't invite your kid, because you always do your own thing that day.

I guess I can kind of see that -- but the "core" of this party is 4 kids, including my son. The kids who come every year. To invite 2 of the 4 seems harsh -- it seems like they could at least have asked whether DS would want to come.

 

[mickeyboat]

We are talking about 9 year olds here, so don't assume what you are hearing is exactly what is happening.

Maybe A isn't really having a big party, maybe he just invited BF for dinner and to to go trick or treating with him. Your child shouldn't feel badly, especially if he traditionally does something else on Halloween.

I would invite everyone you would like to be there (including A), and enjoy the company of the ones who are able to attend. It seems like a pretty casual get-together, anyway. Halloween is such a tough holiday because time is pretty limited by school and darkness, and people have really different plans - some have to drive to other neighborhoods, to visit relatives, etc. Don't take it personally if someone cannot come.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[mickeymedic]

I would have guessed he didn't invite your kid, because you always do your own thing that day.

That is my initial thought, too. But I can see why this is kind of putting a damper on your plans. You want the three boys to get to spend the evening together - regardless of who's house the party is at.

I think I would call A's mom and invite A to your party. Make sure you mention how much your son has been looking forward to spending Halloween with his two closest friends. At that point perhaps she will suggest that your son enjoy the evening at A's party instead.

Have you invited other people to your party yet? Would it be too late to cancel if your son ends up getting invited to A's party?

 

[bambootinker]

We are talking about 9 year olds here, so don't assume what you are hearing is exactly what is happening.

Maybe A isn't really having a big party, maybe he just invited BF for dinner and to to go trick or treating with him. Your child shouldn't feel badly, especially if he traditionally does something else on Halloween.

I would invite everyone you would like to be there (including A), and enjoy the company of the ones who are able to attend. It seems like a pretty casual get-together, anyway. Halloween is such a tough holiday because time is pretty limited by school and darkness, and people have really different plans - some have to drive to other neighborhoods, to visit relatives, etc. Don't take it personally if someone cannot come.

Good luck.

Denae

I agree.

What I was trying to say is that maybe that other kid wanted to do something different/special, and his mom thought it would be rude to invite your son, since you always have a get together.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

That is my initial thought, too. But I can see why this is kind of putting a damper on your plans. You want the three boys to get to spend the evening together - regardless of who's house the party is at.

I think I would call A's mom and invite A to your party. Make sure you mention how much your son has been looking forward to spending Halloween with his two closest friends. At that point perhaps she will suggest that your son enjoy the evening at A's party instead.

Have you invited other people to your party yet? Would it be too late to cancel if your son ends up getting invited to A's party?

That's the thing -- I haven't actually sent out the invitations. I feel as though if I do so then we don't have the option of going to A's, which I'm assuming DS would prefer. I would probably do that, although then I'm in an awkward position with child #4 who is friends with BF and DS from the neighborhood and sports, but only sees A at a couple of birthday parties and Halloween. I'm sure he's assuming that he's coming to our house. The other kids we would invite are kids who have either come once or never come, so I don't feel like I have a responsibility to them.

I should also add that my issue is more about BF, then it is about A -- if BF came DS would be fine -- he'd miss A, but no big deal. A is definitely a friend, but one of a group -- the other kids in the group, however, either don't celebrate Halloween or live in neighborhoods that have their own celebration.

 

[EMom]

I guess I'm in the minority, because I think A's mother was rude and swiped BF out from under you with a preemptive invitation. (Unless it turns out your son is also invited...) She knew from past years that her son and BF would be invited to YOUR home. It's a tradition. If she decided she'd had enough of that and didn't want to come to your place anymore, fine and good. But she took it a step further and invited the very child she KNEW you would most want there and would 100% without a doubt, invite to your party. By doing this, she purposely sabotaged your party. End of.

If she had just kept her own kid away, that would have been one thing. But when she dragged BF into it, knowing full well it would ruin the party you were set to have, that changed her actions into something rude, or at a minimum, inconsiderate.

 

[bambootinker]

I guess I'm in the minority, because I think A's mother was rude and swiped BF out from under you with a preemptive invitation. (Unless it turns out your son is also invited...) She knew from past years that her son and BF would be invited to YOUR home. It's a tradition. If she decided she'd had enough of that and didn't want to come to your place anymore, fine and good. But she took it a step further and invited the very child she KNEW you would most want there and would 100% without a doubt, invite to your party. By doing this, she purposely sabotaged your party. End of.

If she had just kept her own kid away, that would have been one thing. But when she dragged BF into it, knowing full well it would ruin the party you were set to have, that changed her actions into something rude.

Does that mean that no one i that neighborhood has the right to plan something for that night?

 

[Wishing on a star]

It is hard to say much without knowing everyone involved...
But, this is what comes to mind...

Just because you have ALWAYS had a halloween get together is not any kind of an obligation.

Today is the 17th...

I would not consider this any kind of 'preemptive' invitation.

I think that there are a lot of assumptions and confusion...

If 'A' and his mother, two weeks before halloween, had not received an invitation and made a commitment to your get together, then perhaps they were just jumping in to feel the gap. Maybe that thought that the 4th boy was spending Halloween with your son, and wondered why 'A' (and the other boy) had not been invited yet????

And, as others have said, I would hate to take a child's version as the end-all facts.

I don't know if I would feel comfortable calling 'A's mom just to see what was going on????

But, like I said, it sounds like a LOT of assumptions and confusion!

 

[moburg]

Background info: My 9 year old has a best friend who he's had since both boys were 3. They spend a lot of time together, go to the same school, play on the same sports teams etc . . . They both have other friends, but they're together most of the time.

Background info #2: For the past 4 years we've had an annual Halloween party -- very simple, kids come to our apartment, eat pizza and then we all go trick or treating. There's a core of kids who come every year, including BF, and a kid I'll call A from school, and then there a couple of kids who used to come but moved away, and a couple who have been added more recently. A is friends with DS and BF, probably spends equal time with both, but I think likes BF a little better. But they are definitely all friends.

My 9 year old just came home and told me that BF can't come trick or treating this year because he's going to A's party on that day.

I don't object to A having a party, I don't object to A inviting BF, but can't he invite my kid too? It seems harsh to not invite the kid who has invited you the past 4 years (and who you've invited to your birthday party which is this weekend, so you clearly still like).

So now I'm torn, do I go ahead and invite people to my party and then if an invitation comes to A's (I know DS would rather be at BF's party than at a party at our house without his 2 closest friends). Do I call BF's mom (whom I'm close to) and confirm that there's really a party that DS is not invited to? Do I call A's mom and play dumb and pretend that I'm just inviting A. Also, we usually trick or treat on BF's street, becase we live in a high rise a few blocks away that doesn't allow trick or treating -- do I still go to BF's house (A lives across town) or do we pick a whole new neighborhood to go to?

DS is being a real trooper -- you can tell he's disappointed but he's not complaining -- I'm the one who seems the most upset.

Send out your invites to all the normal invitees, including BF and A. But be sure the invites include in big bold letters '5th Annual' when referring to the Halloween party. Just a reminder that you have been doing this for 4 years already.

But what do I know. My first is due in January.

 

[EMom]

Does that mean that no one i that neighborhood has the right to plan something for that night?

No, but A's mom didn't decide to have a party for the whole neighborhood, did she? It sounds like she invited the ONE child (other than her own) that the OP's son always invites to his yearly party, his BEST FRIEND....AND she did not invite the OP's son, who always invites her son to his Halloween and birthday parties. I stand by what I said. It's possibly rude, and at a minimum, inconsiderate.

Let's say I know that Annie has a Halloween party every year and ALWAYS invites her best friend Breanna, my child Chloe and a fourth child named Daisy. She also invites a few other kids, but this core group of four is a constant. Annie also has just invited my little Chloe to her birthday party this weekend. I maintain that if knowing all this, I decide to throw a Halloween party and invite Annie's very best friend Breanna, yet not invite Annie, then YES, I am being far from nice.

One, knowing full well Annie's family hosts a party that my child and Breanna would have been invited to, I sent out invitations before theirs so I could get my dibs in before them. I didn't ask if we could alternate years or if they were having a party this year. No, I meant to snatch that party out from under them. Second, knowing Breanna is Annie's best bud, I made certain she was invited to our party, which means she can't attend Annie's. Again, just not nice. If I'm sick of Annie's mom's parties, sure I can throw my own, but in all fairness, couldn't I have at least left BF Breanna out of it or maybe invited Breanna AND Annie? Nope, now Annie is left sitting at home, with no party of her own and no party to go to. I'm a swell mom. NOT.

Now......If it turns out that your child has simply not yet received an invitation, that's another matter. But if he continues to be left out, then the mom is being thoughtless. And really....that is all the OP mentioned....she asked something like, "Can't he invite my kid too?" It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you invite the OP's kid's BF whom he ALWAYS goes trick-or-treating with, and you do not invite the OPs' kid, then the OP's kid is going to feel left out. No....He is going to BE left out.

Maybe the invitation is on the way.

I think about these things ahead of time. How is this going to make a child feel? Will it cause hard feelings between OP's son and BF that BF chose A's party instead? When DD was in preschool, she and a classmate had birthdays one day apart. The other mom and I always planned them together, so as not to overlap since the same group of kids would be invited to both. These days, if I invite Kids 1 and 2 because DD is very thick with them and there is a third (Kid 3) that she likes, but is not as close to, I'll invite Kid 3 too if Kid 3 is very close to Kids 1 and 2. It's not worth making Kid 3 feel ostracized just because DD isn't as close to her as she is to 1 & 2. (If DD loathed her, I'd have to reconsider. ) The considerate thing for A's mom to have done would have been to have invited the OP's child as well.

 

[mjkacmom]

No, but A's mom didn't decide to have a party for the whole neighborhood, did she? It sounds like she invited the ONE child (other than her own) that the OP's son always invites to his yearly party, his BEST FRIEND....AND she did not invite the OP's son, who always invites her son to his Halloween and birthday parties. I stand by what I said. It's possibly rude, and at a minimum, inconsiderate.

Let's say I know that Annie has a Halloween party every year and ALWAYS invites her best friend Breanna, my child Chloe and a fourth child named Daisy. She also invites a few other kids, but this core group of four is a constant. Annie also has just invited my little Chloe to her birthday party this weekend. I maintain that if knowing all this, I decide to throw a Halloween party and invite Annie's very best friend Breanna, yet not invite Annie, then YES, I am being far from nice.

One, knowing full well Annie's family hosts a party that my child and Breanna would have been invited to, I sent out invitations before theirs so I could get my dibs in before them. I didn't ask if we could alternate years or if they were having a party this year. No, I meant to snatch that party out from under them. Second, knowing Breanna is Annie's best bud, I made certain she was invited to our party, which means she can't attend Annie's. Again, just not nice. If I'm sick of Annie's mom's parties, sure I can throw my own, but in all fairness, couldn't I have at least left BF Breanna out of it or maybe invited Breanna AND Annie? Nope, now Annie is left sitting at home, with no party of her own and no party to go to. I'm a swell mom. NOT.

Now......If it turns out that your child has simply not yet received an invitation, that's another matter. But if he continues to be left out, then the mom is being thoughtless. And really....that is all the OP mentioned....she asked something like, "Can't he invite my kid too?" It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you invite the OP's kid's BF whom he ALWAYS goes trick-or-treating with, and you do not invite the OPs' kid, then the OP's kid is going to feel left out. No....He is going to BE left out.

Maybe the invitation is on the way.

I think about these things ahead of time. How is this going to make a child feel? Will it cause hard feelings between OP's son and BF that BF chose A's party instead? When DD was in preschool, she and a classmate had birthdays one day apart. The other mom and I always planned them together, so as not to overlap since the same group of kids would be invited to both. These days, if I invite Kids 1 and 2 because DD is very thick with them and there is a third (Kid 3) that she likes, but is not as close to, I'll invite Kid 3 too if Kid 3 is very close to Kids 1 and 2. It's not worth making Kid 3 feel ostracized just because DD isn't as close to her as she is to 1 & 2. (If DD loathed her, I'd have to reconsider. ) The considerate thing for A's mom to have done would have been to have invited the OP's child as well.

I agree with you. Ds10 has a core group of 4, and then there are about 6 other boys they hang with, also. They go TorT together every year, and even do coordinating costumes. I can't imagine how hurt my ds would be if he were excluded. As a mom, I make sure I never leave any of these boys out - they're like family to me. Does BF's mom know your ds wasn't invited?

 

[mumom95]

DS is being a real trooper -- you can tell he's disappointed but he's not complaining -- I'm the one who seems the most upset.

Don't have any advice on what you should do, but I also have a DS(9) and I know in these kind of situations it always seems to upset me more than him.

 

[bambootinker]

I think that moms project their feelings onto their kids in these circumstances. It is just dinner before trick or treat.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I think that moms project their feelings onto their kids in these circumstances. It is just dinner before trick or treat.

To clarify, only BF actually lives in our neighborhood, so if they don't eat together they won't trick or treat together either. The trick or treating is the part we care about -- child #4 usually shows up after dinner anyway.

I don't love hosting the party -- but several of the kids live in neighborhoods where trick or treating isn't really an option (including A), and so I invited them here. Once they were coming over to trick or treat it made sense to feed them first so that they didn't have to go all the way home after school before coming over.

I would be perfectly happy to have them go to A's house for a party instead of trick or treating, I'd just like my child to be included.

 

[LanaJayne]

I would call A's mom and invite her son to your house. It could be that your son is already invited to his house but she hasn't called yet. You'll feel so much better once you talk to her.
Keep us posted!

 

[bambootinker]

I would be perfectly happy to have them go to A's house for a party instead of trick or treating, I'd just like my child to be included.

I understand that. And I hope in the end it works out. If not, though, your reaction is key to your son's.

 

[NAB]

Why do people assume that that it was A mother that didn't invite the son.

I think it would be up to her son to pick who comes to their party. Maybe the 9 year thinks they are to old to trick or treat so they going to have a party instead.

Just because you have a party every year does not mean they have to come every year either. Some time I wish I could break some traditions I do....

I tell my kids they are not invited until I get that invite in my hand even if they were told at school. Things change day to day with kids.

I really understand that you want you son included.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

I guess I'm in the minority, because I think A's mother was rude and swiped BF out from under you with a preemptive invitation. (Unless it turns out your son is also invited...) She knew from past years that her son and BF would be invited to YOUR home. It's a tradition. If she decided she'd had enough of that and didn't want to come to your place anymore, fine and good. But she took it a step further and invited the very child she KNEW you would most want there and would 100% without a doubt, invite to your party. By doing this, she purposely sabotaged your party. End of.

If she had just kept her own kid away, that would have been one thing. But when she dragged BF into it, knowing full well it would ruin the party you were set to have, that changed her actions into something rude, or at a minimum, inconsiderate.

Does that mean that no one i that neighborhood has the right to plan something for that night?

I have to say that I agree with both posts. Since A's mom KNEW that you had a party every year (I'm assuming she knew this), and then went and had a party of her own, and DIDN'T invite your child, I have to say thats pretty rude. But on the other hand, because you have a party, does that mean that no one else in the town can have one..... Its a really hard call. To me, depending on how close you and A's mom are, she could have let you know about this.... but then again, she obviously wasn't planning on inviting your son, so why would she do it.......
I say talk to your son, see what he wants to do, and then (if hes OK with it) go ahead with your party. You can't do anything about others actions, it sucks, but you can't call up A's mom and be like "Cancle your party lady!!" (though that would be funny!). Hope you and your son have a great Halloween whatever the turnout!