i just need to vent

perditax

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jan 8, 2015
We knew the end was approaching but we didn't expect it to end so suddenly. Last week DMIL was eating well, still getting around ok, then on Saturday afternoon she was having trouble breathing. She didn't want to call doctor or go to hospital. We convinced her to let us call the doctor and they told us to call 911 and have them take her to emergency. She didn't want to go by ambulance but when DH and her adult granddaughter were trying to get her to car, she lost consciousness so we called 911. She came too after a few minutes and ambulance took her to hospital. The oxygen made her look better so we thought she would be ok yet.

She went downhill rapidly during the night and passed away Sunday at noon.

DFIL lingered for about 4 weeks with hospice care. I guess it's good that she didn't linger and suffer.

We will miss her terribly.
I'm very sorry for your loss.

I've had a "year of hell" like this myself, including a family member with cancer, and a kitty passing away from the same kind of cancer (not kidding). sometimes it seems like life does try to pile everything on you at once just to see how much you can stand. Hang in there. The blue sky will appear again.
 

Suprize2017

Mouseketeer
Joined
Dec 9, 2016
I never know what to say in these situations except I'm sorry for your loss. It hurts. Cancer sucks. Even though you knew this day was coming, you can never truly be ready. Your family has been in my prayers since I found this thread. I think your story just hit a little close to home for me. Take care of each other and enjoy the memories you have of her!
 
  • LCoulter

    Whoah Mouse
    Joined
    Nov 9, 2008
    Now my father has been diagnosed with colon and lung cancer. He is much further along then DMIL was and has been having difficulties breathing for months. My mother is still in pretty good shape. My father doesn't know if he wants to go through chemo.

    My parents live about 45 minutes from us. We are planning a visit this weekend and meeting my brother's family at their house.

    Our adult male cat has been roaming the house howling looking for DMIL because he was very attached to her. He has recently bonded with DD10 so I am happy for him. He has started sleeping with her. Dog also seems sad and will have a big adjustment when DD10 returns to school and we are at work all day.

    On the positive, our two new kittens have filled the void of losing our old female cat. There names are Beauty and the Beast. Beast was the runt of the litter and is still quite a bit smaller than his sister Beauty. They are great fun and very affectionate when they aren't playing and getting into trouble.
     

    adisneyaunt

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    May 17, 2014
    Just stumbled upon the thread and your latest post
    My sincerest condolences on your recent loss...and more.
    Your strength in all of this is inspiring. Heartfelt best wishes to your dad...
    I'm so sorry..
     

    LCoulter

    Whoah Mouse
    Joined
    Nov 9, 2008
    My parents finally asked the question they were dreading to ask. They are giving my father months or a year at most. He did try chemo a couple of times but he immediately gets terrible chest pains so bad that he thought he was having a heart attack. His heart is fine after testing. After talking to doctors further about chemo and radiation, he's just not sure if he wants to chance being sick for his last months. He seems to be doing fairly well still....at least he doesn't appear to be any worse. The oxygen helps which he only uses a few times a day. Because of bad knees, he can't walk but can still scoot himself along in a wheel chair. He sleeps a lot which is understandable.

    We have been visiting them every week or two and call almost daily.

    This just really sucks. I miss DMIL terribly but we are adjusting to a new normal. I miss vacationing with my parents but am thankful we have the memories of the trips.
     
  • LCoulter

    Whoah Mouse
    Joined
    Nov 9, 2008
    It’s been a rough couple of months. My father has had two emergency surgeries within weeks of each other that were caused by the cancer….I don’t want to go into details but we almost lost him. It’s been a month and he sleeps a lot. Unfortunately there’s a lot of pain….I wish the doctors would do more about that. Some of the pain meds just don’t work for him but they just don’t listen to my parents. My mother isn’t afraid to speak up and complain about the pain meds…the doctor acts like he’s going to prescribe something else but when she gets the script, it’s the same old stuff that doesn’t work.

    I have been visiting most weekends, bringing some food to give my mother a break from cooking.

    Last week we lost our other old cat…he was 17 or 18 years old and has been struggling through kidney failure for about 6 months. Although I was closer to our other cat that we lost last year, this cat was very attached to DMIL so I thought of him as her cat which made it harder to lose him.

    DH has been working at home all summer so he can watch DD10. We have after school care for her lined up for when she goes back to school. She misses having her grandmother there.

    On the positive side, the kittens, Beauty and Beast, are doing well and have been a lot of fun. Beast, who was the runt of the litter, has surpassed Beauty in size. His paws are huge compared to her paws which makes me wonder just how big he’s going to get.
     

    Oregongram

    Mouseketeer
    Joined
    Mar 31, 2017
    This evening I read your story - every post. I applaud your strength, love and compassion.
    I'm sorry your wonderful MIL passed, you lost 2 beloved cats and DF is failing. Life can be such a challenge.
    Most people dread having a relative live with them but your life was enriched by having MIL live with you.
     

    LCoulter

    Whoah Mouse
    Joined
    Nov 9, 2008
    Wow, it’s been a long time since I posted.

    It’s been 9 months since my father was told he had 1 month to 12 months to live. He is not doing chemo after trying it twice (two different drugs) and ending up in the hospital with heart rhythm problems that scared him. The pain from the surgeries are gone but his knees are hurting very bad and he can no longer walk at all. He is on a lot of pain meds so I’m not really sure if he has any other pain from the cancer. My mother said she noticed one side of his abdomen is larger than the other so it is getting worse.

    He won’t/can’t go to doctor so it is a challenge to get pain meds every month because they require doctor visit to get refills but up until this point, have been making an exception but that is getting increasingly more difficult. Even if someone manages to get him out to a car, he said there is no way he could stay awake long enough to deal with a waiting room. He sleeps a lot but is eating well and is able to sit up and have a conversation.

    My mother finally called Hospice last week and a nurse will be coming once a week. They gave him the pain meds he needs and other equipment that he needs which was a relief for my mother. For the past two weeks she has been in pain with sciatica so it was a relief to find out that they can come and help her each day with him if she needs it. Thankfully she is doing a bit better. I have been doing her grocery shopping for her. I wish I lived a bit closer….I’m 45 minutes away so I just go over on the weekend.

    He was in good spirits over the weekend for his birthday. My brother’s family visited him on Saturday and my DD11 and I visited on Sunday. Brought him his favorite dessert which he has been craving and gave him a painting I did of a sea turtle that he has been admiring. I am so glad I gave him the painting….he said it was the best birthday gift ever!

    Understandably, my mother is having a hard time accepting what is happening and she doesn’t like that Hospice brings up death a lot but they are trying to prepare her a bit. I told her that it could happen suddenly as it did with DMIL. The doctors wouldn’t believe DH when he told them that his mother was still walking up and down the staircase (We were in the process of setting up a bedroom downstairs for her but she didn’t want to give up her larger bedroom upstairs.) even on the day that she collapsed. She was eating well all week and making trips up and down stairs multiple times a day on her own. After her collapse, I assumed that was the beginning of the end and assumed she would be home and it would be time for Hospice but she passed away the next day in the hospital.

    I’m thinking we are going to lose him sometime this year and am trying to prepare myself but I’m not sure what to do for my mother to help her prepare. Maybe Hospice will be able to help her a bit with that.
     
  • Suprize2017

    Mouseketeer
    Joined
    Dec 9, 2016
    I hate that you're going through this. I lost my dad to cancer. He had gone through chemo and was in remission for almost a year when we learned it was back and had metastasized in his lungs. The doctor's said it was terminal, but he could go through chemo again to give him more time. He elected to enjoy the time he had left as the chemo had almost killed him a couple times (at least it seemed that way to us!). I know you were only sharing and not asking for advise, I don't know that there is any advice to give anyway. I'm glad your mom has gotten hospice involved. It really does make a huge difference for the primary caretaker. I hope your mom will call them any time she has questions or concerns. That's what they are there for. The hospice care my dad had also provided counseling and groups for the family; the children, grandchildren, and spouse. You are also able to talk to hospice if you are worried about your mom. I would bet she will form a relationship with his hospice workers and they can encourage her to get additional emotional support. My dad seemed to do well for 10 of the 11 months after his diagnosis (he had also been given about a year). The last month just steadily got worse. Hospice provided a hospital bed that was set up in my parents living room because he was no longer able to sit up. The additional care hospice provided allowed my dad to stay at home. He passed away with the entire family - my mom, all of his kids, and all of his grandchildren at his side. It was terribly sad, and the hardest thing I've been through, yet it was perfect (hopefully you can understand what I mean by that). My heart goes out to you. Cancer is an evil disease that affects so many more than just the patient!
     

    Krista G

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    Mar 23, 2018
    *Hugs* I am so sorry you are going through all this! 2017 was a horrible year for our family as well. Death is never easy and even less so when it’s one after another! I stumbled on your thread & wanted to let you know that your story helped me feel like I wasn’t alone & I am so grateful you shared your journey.

    My story briefed-
    My mom passed away suddenly when I was a teen. The death certificate states natural causes at the age of 34. Last year, 15 yrs from my mothers passing, all of my siblings passed away. My sis 2 yrs younger passed away Memorial Day (5/29) at the age of 30 from liver failure. 13 days later (6/11) my sis 6 yrs younger murdered my 2 yr old nephew, her son, & then took her own life making KY headlines for the worst reason. I will never forget driving home from Wendy’s & getting that call. My DH was in as much shock as I. Neither of us believed it, or wanted to. Then the journalists started ton call & IM’d us on social media. Then after promising to take care of herself & talking daily, on 11/14 my sis 8 yrs younger got back on drugs, got a bad batch, and left me as the only living offspring of our deceased mother.

    TBH 2017 is a year I would gladly forget. And it doesn’t help the anxiety that I’ll be turning 34 this yr.
     

    LCoulter

    Whoah Mouse
    Joined
    Nov 9, 2008
    *Hugs* I am so sorry you are going through all this! 2017 was a horrible year for our family as well. Death is never easy and even less so when it’s one after another! I stumbled on your thread & wanted to let you know that your story helped me feel like I wasn’t alone & I am so grateful you shared your journey.

    My story briefed-
    My mom passed away suddenly when I was a teen. The death certificate states natural causes at the age of 34. Last year, 15 yrs from my mothers passing, all of my siblings passed away. My sis 2 yrs younger passed away Memorial Day (5/29) at the age of 30 from liver failure. 13 days later (6/11) my sis 6 yrs younger murdered my 2 yr old nephew, her son, & then took her own life making KY headlines for the worst reason. I will never forget driving home from Wendy’s & getting that call. My DH was in as much shock as I. Neither of us believed it, or wanted to. Then the journalists started ton call & IM’d us on social media. Then after promising to take care of herself & talking daily, on 11/14 my sis 8 yrs younger got back on drugs, got a bad batch, and left me as the only living offspring of our deceased mother.

    TBH 2017 is a year I would gladly forget. And it doesn’t help the anxiety that I’ll be turning 34 this yr.
    I am so sorry for your losses and at such a young age. Hugs to you too.
     

    LCoulter

    Whoah Mouse
    Joined
    Nov 9, 2008
    I hate that you're going through this. I lost my dad to cancer. He had gone through chemo and was in remission for almost a year when we learned it was back and had metastasized in his lungs. The doctor's said it was terminal, but he could go through chemo again to give him more time. He elected to enjoy the time he had left as the chemo had almost killed him a couple times (at least it seemed that way to us!). I know you were only sharing and not asking for advise, I don't know that there is any advice to give anyway. I'm glad your mom has gotten hospice involved. It really does make a huge difference for the primary caretaker. I hope your mom will call them any time she has questions or concerns. That's what they are there for. The hospice care my dad had also provided counseling and groups for the family; the children, grandchildren, and spouse. You are also able to talk to hospice if you are worried about your mom. I would bet she will form a relationship with his hospice workers and they can encourage her to get additional emotional support. My dad seemed to do well for 10 of the 11 months after his diagnosis (he had also been given about a year). The last month just steadily got worse. Hospice provided a hospital bed that was set up in my parents living room because he was no longer able to sit up. The additional care hospice provided allowed my dad to stay at home. He passed away with the entire family - my mom, all of his kids, and all of his grandchildren at his side. It was terribly sad, and the hardest thing I've been through, yet it was perfect (hopefully you can understand what I mean by that). My heart goes out to you. Cancer is an evil disease that affects so many more than just the patient!
    Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for your loss.
     

    mommasita

    DIS VETERAN
    Moderator
    Joined
    Aug 3, 2004
    That’s a lot for you and your family. I wish I had the words, but there really aren’t any. I wish you strength, and send love.

    I do hope hospice can help your Mum mentally try to prepare. Will she be able to stay on her own (do you think)?

    Gently hugs
     

    limitdis

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    Apr 7, 2014
    I'm really sorry to hear that. Fasting is supposed to make chemo more effective and safe.
    Also, green juicing, high vitamin C, and turmeric are really good. And sulforaphane (from broccoli sprouts) are supposed be extreme anti-cancer.
     

    LCoulter

    Whoah Mouse
    Joined
    Nov 9, 2008
    It’s so hard seeing Dad like this. The hospice nurse is telling us he will pass tonight or tomorrow. I am sitting with him now so Mom can try to get some sleep. I hate seeing him suffer. They seem to have him on enough pain meds now where he is asleep.

    Just two weeks ago he was alert, sitting up on his own and talking to us. He was eating well last week and then suddenly it all changed. We knew it was going to change but we still weren’t prepared.
     

    Suprize2017

    Mouseketeer
    Joined
    Dec 9, 2016
    It’s so hard seeing Dad like this. The hospice nurse is telling us he will pass tonight or tomorrow. I am sitting with him now so Mom can try to get some sleep. I hate seeing him suffer. They seem to have him on enough pain meds now where he is asleep.

    Just two weeks ago he was alert, sitting up on his own and talking to us. He was eating well last week and then suddenly it all changed. We knew it was going to change but we still weren’t prepared.
    I am so sorry for what you are going through. Nothing I can say will make it any easier. You're going to feel the shock of his passing for a while. You're going to be unbelievably sad that he's gone. And you'll probably feel angry that he got sick in the first place. Those are the three primary emotions I went through when my dad died of cancer 4 years ago. We knew his cancer had come back, and was terminal. He lived for 11 months after that diagnosis. We felt we were preparing that entire time, yet when the end came, we weren't ready. It seemed too fast. The end took us all by surprise. The loss was still devastating. I don't think there is any way to truly prepare yourself.

    I'm not going to go back and read all the posts in this thread, so if you already said this, I apologize for forgetting. I just hope you and your mom can support each other and have others to lean on. The first week is full of family and friends sharing their condolences and taking care of all of his stuff (legal things, funeral stuff, etc). It's after that part dies down that the hard part starts.

    Even though I don't know you, you will be in my thoughts. Your story hits so close to home for me.
     

    LCoulter

    Whoah Mouse
    Joined
    Nov 9, 2008
    He passed away peacefully Friday morning. Hospice kept him comfortable the last few days. I am relieved that he is not in pain anymore. Mom is doing better than expected. I am staying tonight but she thinks I should head home tomorrow afternoon so I can be home tomorrow with DD for mother’s Day.
     

    Connect

    Disney News and Updates

    Daily Updates and News




    Top