i just need to vent

Discussion in 'Coping and Compassion' started by LCoulter, May 12, 2016.

  1. LCoulter

    LCoulter Whoah Mouse

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    My DMIL has been fighting cancer for several years now, going thru two full rounds of chemo....she's a tough cookie. After the first, we thought she beat it, after the second, we were hopeful. It started as colon cancer and she had part of her colon removed but it has now spread to her liver and pancreas so, even with chemo, she has months left. She lives with us and is like a second mother to me. DD9 has been growing up with her and it will break her heart. DMIL has decided to at least start chemo this time around to lengthen her life but only if she can still have quality of life and I support her decision.

    I am stressed because there is too much happening at once. Before diagnosis three, DH pursued a dream job and I encouraged him to take it. It starts in a little over a month. He is now in an extremely stressful job that he hates and has been there for 16 years, to a much less stressful job that he will likely love but he will be traveling 50% of the time. I on the other hand, have had a job I really like for six years now but a new woman started that has her sights on my job as a stepping stone to my bosses job and she is good friends with the VP:-(. I thought I would retire from this job but now it's uncertain. I am now over 50 so I figure it will be very difficult to find something else. I know that compared to what DMIL is going thru, the job situation is nothing, but everything combined, I feel discouraged.
     
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  2. momof2cuties

    momof2cuties Mouseketeer

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    Sorry about your MIL and the job. My husband just died from colo-rectal cancer - he was diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago. It's a horrible battle - on the person and the caregivers. The smallest things would make me feel overwhelmed.

    My suggestion would be to just try to get through the days at work. Focus on family, and consider work just a paycheck for now. I get what you are saying, but I think adding something else to stress about work will just be too much for you. My husband was only on hospice for 4 days. In March, he was doing well - his CEA was dropping and he was getting stronger after a reoccurence. Palm Sunday we were out at Easter Egg hunts, doing things as a family. One week later, his CEA was rising again and he was in a lot of pain. In a couple of weeks, he went from being on the upswing to hospice. I'm not trying to scare you, just want you to understand how quickly things can change.

    Best wishes to your family.
     
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  4. LCoulter

    LCoulter Whoah Mouse

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    Sorry for your loss and thank you for responding.

    I feel a bit better about the job at the moment after talking to my boss. She isn't worried about this woman and said the VP and owner will get tired of her trying to control everything so she won't last.

    I will take your advise and think of it as a paycheck.

    I am worried about how fast this could go. She is doing pretty well at the moment....just really tired and bowel issues. Her chemo starts back up on Monday though so we'll see how that goes.
     
  5. mommasita

    mommasita DIS VETERAN Moderator

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    Giant hugs to you, you need them all around.. .Sorry about your MIL, I have been there, and it isn't easy on anyone. What a wonderful DIL you are, you will have this knowledge for the rest of your life. The pain will subside, it will never go away, but you will always know you were by her side, you were there for her and your family.

    I read your update, and am EXTREMELY glad for it. Your boss sounds understanding. People like this other women you talk about don't go over well, management don't take well to this. They worry for their own jobs.

    Try and take one day at a time, for you family, as well as MIL.. I know it sounds easy to say, but you really have to. Try and live for her good days, and if possible journal this for your DD. Please come here and share or whatever you like as often as you can.

    I apologize, I am not on as often as I used to be. I have personally been dealing with a lot. I will try to improve.
     
  6. LCoulter

    LCoulter Whoah Mouse

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    Thank you for the reply and no need to apologize.

    I will keep your suggestions in mind. We do spend a great deal of time with her since she lives with us. DD is going to have a hard time not having her there, as will we.

    Chemo starts Monday and will be weekly with a different assortment of drugs. We are hoping she doesn't get too sick from them but from past experience it will vary....she had weeks where she handled them pretty well and other weeks where it made her feel horrible. I feel so bad that she has to go thru this a third time and there is no hope this time.
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2016
  7. robinb

    robinb DIS Veteran

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    {{hugs}} I'm so sorry to hear about your DMIL. Cancer sucks :(.
     
  8. LCoulter

    LCoulter Whoah Mouse

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    It does :(
     
  9. mommasita

    mommasita DIS VETERAN Moderator

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    It really does suck.

    Poor lady, a 3rd time.. There is just no fairness at all, for any of you :( Thinking of your DD , and your entire family.

    I pray for the day, as we all do, that Cancer is totally wiped of the map
     
  10. LCoulter

    LCoulter Whoah Mouse

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    She's a tough cookie. Prior to the first, she had part of her colon removed and lymph nodes around it in 2013.
    The first round was six treatments (every other week) and was part of a study with a new drug to see if cancer could be kicked in half the treatments and they thought they beat it. The second time around was 12 treatments every three weeks and that ended just before Christmas 2015.

    Now they discovered a large mass in her pelvis area and it has spread to liver and pancreas.

    Her husband died of liver cancer 9 years ago and he went fast after he was diagnosis. My husband was fortunate enough to take several weeks off to spend with him while he was still feeling good and they drove all over the state, visiting friends and family.
     
  11. LCoulter

    LCoulter Whoah Mouse

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    Yesterday DMIL went for her first infusion this time around and it went as well as could be expected. She thinks they gave her an energy drug or something because this is the best she has felt in a while...lots of energy. She ate dinner well last night and this morning she says she feels pretty good. I'm not expecting this to last but she can enjoy it while it's here.
     
  12. robinb

    robinb DIS Veteran

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    I'm glad she's feeling good today!
     
  13. mommasita

    mommasita DIS VETERAN Moderator

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    I am so glad to read this! One day at a time..
     
  14. LCoulter

    LCoulter Whoah Mouse

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    We haven't told DD9 yet because DMIL didn't want to tell her yet but DD9 was asking DH about grandma and her treatments starting back up. Hopefully his answers will satisfy her for now until DMIL is ready for us to tell her. I want to cry thinking about breaking the news to her. DMIL moved in with us after her husband passed away but just before DD was born so she has been her daycare since she was a baby.
     
  15. LCoulter

    LCoulter Whoah Mouse

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    Our cat of 18 years, in the fall, started periodically staggering and falling over but would recover after a day or two. We took her to vet and $500 later, they couldn't tell us anything.....hate this vet. Friday night was the worst yet episode where she stated staggering but then at 2am, DH found her crying on floor and where she had relieved herself and could not stand or walk on her own. Poor kitty.

    Took her to different vet on Saturday morning. He thinks she had a stroke. He said because of her age, he didn't want to suggest going all out and sending her to a specialist a few hours away but because she is in such good shape otherwise, he didn't want to just put her to sleep without giving her a chance. She doesn't seem to be in pain. Just confused about not being able to get up.

    She spent 4 hours on IV meds that included cortizone and we took her home because we didn't want her alone over night. It's now 2am Sunday morning, she seems comfortable but it's hard to see her like this. We are giving her water with eye dropper and will try feeding her in the morning. She was able to relieve herself in litter box with our help and is now sleeping peacefully. Monday she is scheduled for another IV but if she doesn't respond, we will put her to sleep. It breaks my heart, poor kitty. I am considering contacting vet to see if they can put her to sleep Sunday but again, she doesn't seem to be in pain so maybe wait until Monday.

    We have talked this through with DD9. She has cried but seems to be handling it pretty well. DD told her Daddy that Kess will be ok, even if we end up having to put her asleep.
     
    Last edited: May 22, 2016
  16. robinb

    robinb DIS Veteran

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    Oh no! Your poor kitty {{hugs}}. You have quite enough on your plate without this too. I have had to help a number of pets over the Rainbow Bridge and it is always an extremely hard decision. I would ask your DD if she wants to be there when you put your kitty to sleep, or at the very least let her say 'goodbye' on her own.

    ETA: this may sound strange, but you may also want to talk to you DD about how we deal with end of life in animals v/s humans. She's only 9 and sometimes kids that age can get mixed up on things. Your DMIL is going through treatment and fighting her cancer but you don't want your DD to make a weird mental leap between what is best for your kitty and what's best for her grandmother.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2016
  17. LCoulter

    LCoulter Whoah Mouse

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    Thanks for the advise. We already started talking to DD about it being different between animals and humans and will discuss it again once we tell her about her grandmother.

    Kitty hasn't made any major progress over the weekend. She is eating and drinking with our help. And using litter box with help. She can move her legs but can't stand on them. She still doesn't seem to be in pain and purrs and meows to let us know when she needs something.

    She is back at Vet who is going to examine her and possibly do another IV with meds. If that doesn't help, it will be time to let her go.
     
  18. mommasita

    mommasita DIS VETERAN Moderator

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    Oh no, I am so sorry to hear about Kitty :( Glad she doesn't seem to be in any pain.. It isn't easy that is for sure, rough choices to make.
     
  19. LCoulter

    LCoulter Whoah Mouse

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    Kitty has made some progress the last two days. She is able to awkwardly get up and take a few step before tipping over. If she has something to lean on, she can take a few more steps. I have call into vet because she has not had bowel movement since Saturday, she is only able to pee daily. I was hoping that once she started walking a bit, that would get things moving.

    DMIL is doing pretty well considering. She had a second treatment on Monday, and although she wasn’t doing well on Tuesday, she recovered by Wednesday morning and was able to go to grocery store with me last night.

    A bit of good news, the new girl is gone…she found another job. :banana: They are interviewing someone on Friday to take her place, someone who doesn’t have quite as much experience so hopefully she won’t be criticizing us about not doing our jobs to her liking.
     
  20. LCoulter

    LCoulter Whoah Mouse

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    DMIL has had a lousy week and today will be her third treatment. We are hoping for some good days.

    A bit of good news with kitty...she is walking, eating, drinking and using liter box on her own, although she still staggers. She seems happy and will meow at us when she wants petting.
     
  21. robinb

    robinb DIS Veteran

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    {{hugs}} I hope your next update is good news/good news instead of good news/bad news.
     

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