I just feel so stinking guilty

[letthewookiewin]

November of 2010, we moved in with my in laws to help with my mil's health. She had pulmonary embolisms in both lungs and was very lucky to be alive according to all of her doctors. Then the middle of this last January, my fil had a terrible allergic reaction (almost totally closed off his airway). While in the hospital, they found blood clots in both his lungs. He is just now able to get around a little better. Some day are better than others. Before we booked a WDW trip, they said that early June would be a good time for us to go. My DH works for the family appliance repair business, so it was important to make sure the fil was ok to do some work. TheDSs talk about going back all the time b/c we haven't been since October 2006. Two week ago my mil's mom (Gmil) was diagnosed with brain cancer. Gmil was in a car accident this last summer and they saw a mass in her lung on an x-ray, but she never had it checked out. Last night they did a full body CT scan. They thought the brain was the primary, but they found out they were wrong. She has cancer in both lungs and it's inoperable. They said she could go this week or it could be six months. Plus my poor Gmil's blood sugar keeps staying really high. It's not unusual for it to be over 200 - 300. My mil lost her father to cancer in 1989 before I knew them. I just feel so guilty about being happy and planning this secret WDW trip for our DSs, when my mil is in so much pain. I'm worried that we'll get there and she'll go then. I'm not worried about missing time at WDW, and having to come home early. I'm just worried about my DH not being there for my mil when her mom goes.

 

[Christine]

It's really hard not to feel guilty about things and that's probably not going to go away; however, assuming these are all nice/rational people, I would bet that they would love for your boys to be able to take a trip and have fun with their parents.

While I don't think it's a necessity to have an annual WDW trip, it is sometimes a necessity during stressful times to get away as a family and have some fun.

I know many people who have been in the same situation as you--trips planned, family members "on the brink" and that's hard but most people I know go. A friend of mine had a big Hawaii trip planned, yet his FIL was on death's door for months. They went in December and the FIL did just pass in early March.

I would try to just enjoy it and know that you're doing all you can and that everyone who is healthy needs some restorative, fun time.

 

[letthewookiewin]

Thank you and your very right, we need the trip. We haven't had a vacation with just our family since the October 2006 WDW trip. We did go to Houston/Galveston with his family this last Spring Break. We booked this trip b/c I caught my DH pricing WDW trips in our locked bedroom. Of all things I could have found my DH doing in a locked room and I was lucky enough to find him pricing WDW trips for this year. We were talking about going in January 2013. He was just under so much stress at the time that he said he needed to think that he could get to WDW sooner. My DH keeps telling me that I am stressing too much. That his parents are grown ups and can take care of himself. I just tend to over worry about stuff like that. I am currently in school for computer programming. I have seriously thought about dropping out b/c once I graduate and get a job, I won't be available to help them like I am now. Again, my DH tell me that I worry too much.

 

[quasar4legs]

It is so hard to find the balance between caring for sick elderly family members and looking after yourself. I am sorry that your MIL and GMIL are unwell.

You don't need to feel guilty about planning family time and having some respite from what must be a very stressful time.

As my mum says " a good carer is a carer that looks after themselves".
Perhaps this saying is that is a little trite but if you go away and have a break you may be able to come back refreshed and more able to cope with the difficulties ahead.

Enjoy the planning and the holiday

 

[letthewookiewin]

It is so hard to find the balance between caring for sick elderly family members and looking after yourself. I am sorry that your MIL and GMIL are unwell.

You don't need to feel guilty about planning family time and having some respite from what must be a very stressful time.

As my mum says " a good carer is a carer that looks after themselves".
Perhaps this saying is that is a little trite but if you go away and have a break you may be able to come back refreshed and more able to cope with the difficulties ahead.

Enjoy the planning and the holiday

You and your mum, are so right. My DH and I always thought we would be the ones that would have to some day take care of his parents, but we didn't think it would be this soon. They are both still in their late 50's. I tend to over worry about things and my DH is contantly telling me to "chill out".

 

[quasar4legs]

You and your mum, are so right. My DH and I always thought we would be the ones that would have to some day take care of his parents, but we didn't think it would be this soon. They are both still in their late 50's. I tend to over worry about things and my DH is contantly telling me to "chill out".

I am the worrier in our family and my husband is similar to yours in that he is always the voice of calm and reason.

Your husband is right of course but I know how hard it is to "let go".

Your family are blessed to have someone so caring.

 

[letthewookiewin]

I am the worrier in our family and my husband is similar to yours in that he is always the voice of calm and reason.

Your husband is right of course but I know how hard it is to "let go".

Your family are blessed to have someone so caring.

Thank you. My family doesn't see it that way. They think the DH's parents are "taking advantage" of us. I get to play the balancing game, along with all the guilt my mom can lay on me, for doing all that I do for them.

 

[mommasita]

to you and your family.

So many have given such wonderful suggestions and thoughts. It isn't an easy decision, I do know that.

You seem like a marvelous caring person. They are extremely blessed to have you.

I have been in your shoes with my MIL and lung cancer 12 years ago next month. I know the guilt you are talking of. My mother was very juvenile at the time, saying that I liked her more, etc, etc. I did what I had to do. People say you can't let them make you feel guilty, but that is easier said than done, especially with our mothers.

Hugs again to you and your family

 

[ToddyLu]

We had a WDW tripped in December 2005. We purchased trip insurance because my FIL was gradually declining from Cancer and we were not sure of the timing of our trip. The trip insurance took a lot of pressure off of us and I figured it was just money anyway. Nothing we could not survive.

I really loved my FIL He was a unique person and one of the smartest people I have ever known. He loved me. As a nurse, it was a joy to care for him at his time of illness and to know that he was comfortable enough with me to allow that care. He was very stoic but always let me give him kisses and ultimately I was able to spend my off nights with him by myself in his hospital room on weekends. This really, really helped my MIL who of course was carryinf most the "care" burdern. She ultimately had to let go and allow us to help her and after a whle that became more easy for her.

So I completely understand your concerns and problems.

My whole goal throughout this was to love and support DH--he was the one losing his Daddy. Assisting with medical issues was our way of helping them together (DH is a fireman/EMT). Well as life turns out, luckily we had flood insurance as did they (MIL/FIL)...Katrina hit 8/29/05 and Pop passed 10/4/05. DH and I along with his Mom and Dad lost our home. So in a sense the hurricane was a good distraction. My MIL lost her home and then her husband 5 weeks later. Building back took all her/our efforts and that eased the the pain of losisng Pop.

DH was exhausted and we decided to take the Dec trip. It was what we both needed. MIL took us to POFQ the following year as a thank you to DH for helping her build back her home. DH and I have a special bond now that developed over time when you go through personal or family tragedies. He trusts me more now...I now know how strong he is...

Take each new day as it comes, plan your trip, buy insurance and just continues to love DH and his family...WDW will be waiting for you when you need it and can go in peace. For now maybe you and DH could just get away for the weekend....or maybe you just call a place close by, you pack his bag and you just take him.

Whatever happens, life is life and we make the best we can of it on a daily basis. The two years my FIL was sick were precious to me and I so glad he allowed me to be a part of them.

You have my well wishes and a bit of pixie dust.

 

[letthewookiewin]

Thank you all. It is such a hard place to be in. I talked with the mil and she wants to get back out to see her mom with in the next couple of weekend. I don't like the thought of them going off by themselves, but with my boys in school, it's hard for me to take them. The drove to Brownwood the other weekend to my mil's mom's house there. They had a big family gathering and an early mother's day with her. It took all my of fil's energy to be able to make the 3 hours drive. The drive to Andrews, where mil's mom is staying, is 6 hours, without stops.

It's just such a balancing act between taking care of them and helping them as much as possible, and taking care of my boys. Then I get to add taking care of my own school work on top of it.

My DH refuses to buy the insurance. He won't admit it, but I think he's doing it b/c if she does pass near our trip he can tell his parents that we still have to go b/c we didn't get the insurance. He's as set on going on this trip as I am. I have never seen him this set on going to WDW.

 

[Dreamer2012]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this but I am just so heartbroken over the "antics" of one of my children. I am the mother of 5 ranging from 14 -25 - the second born a daughter has broken my heart and I am having a difficult time coming to terms and excepting that we no longer have a relationship. we had been soo close for 21+ YEARS I never dreamt this would happen. I am hoping to hear from some other mothers and their experiences in this area and maybe a few happy endings - and maybe a few from those who did not get the happy ending but found a way to cope.... thanks....

 

[letthewookiewin]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this but I am just so heartbroken over the "antics" of one of my children. I am the mother of 5 ranging from 14 -25 - the second born a daughter has broken my heart and I am having a difficult time coming to terms and excepting that we no longer have a relationship. we had been soo close for 21+ YEARS I never dreamt this would happen. I am hoping to hear from some other mothers and their experiences in this area and maybe a few happy endings - and maybe a few from those who did not get the happy ending but found a way to cope.... thanks....

First let me say that I am amazed that you were able to raise 5 children with your sanity in tact. I don't think I could say the same for myself. I only have two, ages 13 & 14, and that's all I can handle.

I'm so sorry you are going through trouble with one of your children. I have never had to deal with that as a mother. I wish I could give you some advice on what to do that will work, but the only thing that I know to do is to pray about it. If she is not willing to sit down and talk to her, maybe send her a letter on your view of how everything happened and how it made you feel. Just avoid blaming statements like, "because you....". You know how when you had to write papers for school and it was best to stay away from "I" and "you" statements. Do that. Just write it like it was from a third party watching it happen. Then tell her how the situation made you feel. Just after the birth of our first son, I had problems with my family. I was put into the hospital at 31 weeks and had an emergency c-section at 32 weeks pregnant. The day they induced labor, my in laws and my parents checked into a hotel that was apart of the hospital so they could be close. When they decided to do the c-section, my DH just called his parents to tell them about it, and asked that they let my parents know. He had to help hold me still to get the epi (or spinal, don't remember which it was now) and then off to get into scrubs. Plus his mom said she knew what their room number was and offered to make the call anyway. Well his parents got dressed quicker than mine, and got around to where I was quicker than my parents. Later I would find out this was the first thing in a conspiracy of things his parents did to mine to "prove they were the favorite grandparents." Then after they got a peak of our son, being carried by my DH, being whisked away to the NICU, my mil suggested by parents go have breakfast. My dad has diabetes and my mil was worried about him if he didn't eat, but my parents saw this as offense number 2. Before my parents went to get breakfast, they found out where the NICU was. By the time my parents go to the NICU, my DH had come out and said the nurses gave the OK for two people to go back at at time, and asked if his parents wanted to go see him. Wanting to see their newest grandson, they didn't turn the offer down. While the inlaws were in with our DS, my parents came up and found out the inlaws got to hold him first, which was offense #3. Then when I went home, the last plan we told my parents was that we were going to our home. Well I didn't feel like driving all the way to our house, and my mil offered to let us stay with them the night. The DH was more comfortable with this anyway, b/c his mom is a nurse. Not telling my parents in the change of where we were sleeping, offense #4. Then early the next morning, we went to the NICU to spend the day with out son, as we did every day until he was released. In a rush to get back to our son, I forgot to tell my parents that we would be spending the day at the NICU, which was offense #5. My sister finally tracks my mil down at her job at a hospital and literally cusses her out, but that was justified in my family's eyes. My mom finally gets me on the phone in the NICU and she goes over all the above "offenses" done to her. When I don't totally agree on how evil my mil is, she point blank tells me, "It would be really easy to forget you were ever my daughter." This is after my son and I almost died. That was almost 14 years ago, and my mom and I are better. However, it's hard to forget my mom saying that after all my husband, son, and I went through.

 

[Dreamer2012]

I am glad that both you and your son are well now, and that you have found a way to at least have a relationship with your mom. Please try to understand that her feelings were hurt that she felt you had "chosen" the in laws over her. She carried you, raised you, sacrificed everyday for you...and the way she sees it - when the opportunity came for you to stand by her/ choose her - your actions were different than what she had hoped for. That caused her to lash out. That pain is so gutteral and hurtful that I hope you NEVER have to feel it. I am assuming your child is still young, but most likely someday he will break your heart as only he will be able to do....and when it happens I hope you will go to your mother and hug her - for once again only she will know the depth of the pain you will be feeling. Although the scenerio is very different between my daughter and myself the actions are very similar - I feel very much like how your mother must have felt. I pray everyday that she will come back to the family....and that when she does I will have found whatever it is that I do not have right now to forgive her and heal. Life is hard and messy...family is really all you have - but when hearts are broken and feelings are hurt - nothing seems to be able to get through...
Thanks for sharing your story...how did you and your mom finally "get over/ get past" everything?

 

[letthewookiewin]

It was hard, but she is the only mother that I have. I knew that reaction had just come from being stressed. I just kept telling her that I wasn't picking my inlaws over her. I had gone to my mil to get both sides of the story, and my mil isn't the type to do those things out of spite. When I wouldn't condeem my mil was when the problem started. I told my mom that I could see how from her point that things looked they way they did, but it was not how they were meant. We didn't talk for a while, and for us that was a few days maybe a week. I don't really remember now. Things were tense at first, but after all they were my family and I had the first grandchild. My DH just wanted to have nothing to do with them until they apologized, but I refused. No matter what they are family and I wan't going to lose them over a misunderstanding. My mom was happy enough with the admission that I could see how, from her point of view, she had a right to be upset. I still have never told my mother how much that hurt me (and still does) that she said that she could easily forget I was ever her daughter. As a mother, I don't care what either one of our DSs do, I could never say that to them. At this point, I will never tell her. It's been too many years, and it would just cause problems. I would say we have a pretty good relationship now. We talk daily, sometimes several times a day. Then when we can we do stuff like driving to OK to a casino to see Wayne Newton, or go to the Indian and Southwest Market.

Hopefully, y'all can get past it. I don't know the situation, but maybe if you can tell her that you love her, you may not like or agree with some of the choices that she has made, but that doesn't change your love for her. That your her mother and will always love her.

 

[Dreamer2012]

I wish it were that easy. I feel hurt and betrayed and not very forgiving. I still love her and I miss the daughter I raised and once shared my life with - unfortunately I do not miss or really even want a relationship with a daughter who has chosen her boyfriend and his mother over her family. There seems to have just been too much hurt to get past. I KNOW I said things that I did not mean "in the heat of the moment" as they say - but she actually carried out some very, very hurtful things. I NEVER thought ANYTHING WOULD EVER COME BETWEEN US - we were so very close. All my friends would even comment on how fortunate the two of us were to have each other - funny how things work out sometimes....I suppose the only thing to do is to let her go completely - to pray she is happy and let her build a life with out me. Unfortunately it has also affected the other children and their relationship with her - everyone is angry...it has been 7 months now since the actual physical split - so I hope the pain will lessen soon................ for all of us.

 

[letthewookiewin]

I would still let her know that no matter what, you still love her. I'll keep y'all in my prayers and hopefully it will be over soon.