I did the right thing but feel like crap......

[Mermaid02]

I think you done the right thing, but At that age I was married bla bla bla so find it diff that you still feel the need to advise you son how to conduct himself.(esp when he seems so sensible) I truly hope he doesnt hold is against you, maybe if you didnt pay the bills you would not have to worry about him being responsible for his actions( which by the way seem fine to me)

Wow, that is a skillful backhanded swipe.

I don't know where you are (in US or elsewhere) but recently the courts have been increasingly faulting parents for their children's behavior. In the OP's case, since she is paying his way any half good lawyer could argue she is responsible for anything that goes on in 'her' apartment since she pays the bills. After that, it would be easy to prove she knew it before hand and allowed it and is therefore partially criminally liable for it. Not only that but then they could sue in civil court for financial damages. If you don't believe me you should start reading the papers. These days parents are going to jail for their kids' bad decisions.

Its a shame we can't let our kids just run out and do normal dumb kid things anymore, but that just isn't the world we live in, as long as parents are liable they really do have to speak up... unless they wouldn't mind losing their house or going to jail.

As you can see that poster says he/she was married at 20- so we have a totally different situation. Also isn't the drinking age younger in Britain?

You're right, back "in the day" cops would just drop kids off at home, or call parents, no charges.... that's not the case now.

 

[DawnCt1]

As I stated in the original post, if all the kids were going to be 21, then by all means have a blast!!! But DH and I are supporting him as he goes through college and with the major he is in, he would be immediately be out the door if he was charged with serving minors. If he was living on his own and supporting himself, then that is a whole different ballgame.

We talked about it later, he told me he understands and chose another option for last night.

Glad he made a different choice. The concern isn't just serving minors but "over serving". My SIL feels that as long as all of the "drinkers" are spending the night she is "safe". She insists that all of the drinkers are over 21. I have seen some of those drinkers and I can assure you, they are not. Her DD is 19. That said, bad things don't have to happen behind the wheel. Someone could decide to walk home, hit their head, fall asleep in the snow and freeze to death. In fact, that happened to a state representative in Ct. He didn't serve anyone. He did nothing wrong. He gave a woman who was a casual aquaintance, a ride home from a bar because she followed him out the door and hopped in his car. She told him to stop. He thought it was her house and she froze to death. He was charged with manslaughter or reckless endangerment and faced prison. Fortunately he was aquitted but it ruined his career and cost him a lot of money. The lesson? "No good deed goes unpunished".

 

[orlandothebeagle]

Didn't you say you were married at 20?

Yip, lived with my mum and dad, then got married at 20.And you know, I was not allowed to saty at df house until I got married, I kinda resent my mum for that, so I suppose in a way she was a tad controlling when i think about it some more

Wow, that is a skillful backhanded swipe.

I don't know where you are (in US or elsewhere) but recently the courts have been increasingly faulting parents for their children's behavior. In the OP's case, since she is paying his way any half good lawyer could argue she is responsible for anything that goes on in 'her' apartment since she pays the bills. After that, it would be easy to prove she knew it before hand and allowed it and is therefore partially criminally liable for it. Not only that but then they could sue in civil court for financial damages. If you don't believe me you should start reading the papers. These days parents are going to jail for their kids' bad decisions.

Its a shame we can't let our kids just run out and do normal dumb kid things anymore, but that just isn't the world we live in, as long as parents are liable they really do have to speak up... unless they wouldn't mind losing their house or going to jail.

Please dont judge meSo are they liable?
If it was a back hand swipe then that is not my style and not my intention, didnt think I was that clever? What do you mean by that remark?

As you can see that poster says he/she was married at 20- so we have a totally different situation. Also isn't the drinking age younger in Britain?

You're right, back "in the day" cops would just drop kids off at home, or call parents, no charges.... that's not the case now.

We can drink legaly at 18 in britian, In the usa are the parents responsible up until 21? I honestly thought when they were not minors(after 18?) they were responsible for themseves, but it sounds like I am wrong, maybe thats whats wrong with our country, NOBODY seems to be responsible these days.
And no, I am not being clever or having a backhand swipe, just curious.

 

[Mermaid02]

Yip, lived with my mum and dad, then got married at 20.And you know, I was not allowed to saty at df house until I got married, I kinda resent my mum for that, so I suppose in a way she was a tad controlling when i think about it some more
Please dont judge meSo are they liable?
If it was a back hand swipe then that is not my style and not my intention, didnt think I was that clever? What do you mean by that remark?


We can drink legaly at 18 in britian, In the usa are the parents responsible up until 21? I honestly thought when they were not minors(after 18?) they were responsible for themseves, but it sounds like I am wrong, maybe thats whats wrong with our country, NOBODY seems to be responsible these days.
And no, I am not being clever or having a backhand swipe, just curious.

When it comes to underage drinking legal (those over 21) adults are often held responsible even though 18 is the age of majority for everything BUT drinking. It's really kind of messed up....

 

[Planogirl]

When it comes to underage drinking legal (those over 21) adults are often held responsible even though 18 is the age of majority for everything BUT drinking. It's really kind of messed up....

That's the problem! We can hold those who are over 17 but under 21 responsible for everything with the exception of drinking? I don't care who's paying the bills, an adult should be responsible for themselves.

 

[orlandothebeagle]

When it comes to underage drinking legal (those over 21) adults are often held responsible even though 18 is the age of majority for everything BUT drinking. It's really kind of messed up....

It doesnt seem right someone else can be held responsible for something a 20 year old does in there vicinity. But then again, who am I to talk ,our country has terrible problems with underage and binge drinking, not sure whats the answer

 

[KarenB]

It doesnt seem right someone else can be held responsible for something a 20 year old does in there vicinity. But then again, who am I to talk ,our country has terrible problems with underage and binge drinking, not sure whats the answer

No, it doesn't seem right at all. My DS waited until he was 21 to drink, far in the minority. Now, he can get into much more trouble having alcohol around with minors than when he was a minor. It sucks!

 

[orlandothebeagle]

No, it doesn't seem right at all. My DS waited until he was 21 to drink, far in the minority. Now, he can get into much more trouble having alcohol around with minors than when he was a minor. It sucks!

Dont worry about your son, If he was sensible enough to wait to 21 to drink a few beers, I am sure he is clever enough to avoid any hassle re minors.

 

[mamacatnv]

I was discussing this thread with DS yesterday. He said that the norm amongst his crowd is pretty much everyone brings their own booze. The "hosts" usually provide the location but not the alcohol that way the whole liability issue is skirted. However, the reason the kids do it that way is because of costs, not the thought of liability

I know parents whose attitude was they would host the party and just not let the kids drive home. IMO that is the stupidest thing a parent can do and more and more parents are winding up in trouble for it. I might allow my own son to drink at my home, but there is no way I would allow his underage friends, that is irresponsible IMO.

We pay our DS's rent and we guaranteed the lease, however, the lease is in his name not ours. He is solely responsible for anything he does at his apt.

 

[FireDancer]

I only read the OP but you feel bad because sometime the right thing and easy thing isn't the same. When I moved back from FL I was a little older than your son but I had a house I rented with 2 friends. One of the friends had younger sisters who were under aged and for our Halloween party they wanted to bring friends who were the same aged. I was adamant that they could not because there was going to be a lot of alcohol. It was a very heated argument but in the end they came without any friends. It was just not worth the liability and after the heat of the moment he admitted he was right and thanked me for being the voice of reason.

We are still good friends to this day so it didn't turn into a lingering thing between us. The same happened when the other roommate tried to buy a trampoline. There was no way I was going to have that thing in the unfenced backyard being an "attractive nuisance" for all the kids in the neighborhood. There were times I felt like the parent so I know how you feel in this particular case.

You did the right thing.

 

[barkley]

I was discussing this thread with DS yesterday. He said that the norm amongst his crowd is pretty much everyone brings their own booze. The "hosts" usually provide the location but not the alcohol that way the whole liability issue is skirted. However, the reason the kids do it that way is because of costs, not the thought of liability

I know parents whose attitude was they would host the party and just not let the kids drive home. IMO that is the stupidest thing a parent can do and more and more parents are winding up in trouble for it. I might allow my own son to drink at my home, but there is no way I would allow his underage friends, that is irresponsible IMO.

We pay our DS's rent and we guaranteed the lease, however, the lease is in his name not ours. He is solely responsible for anything he does at his apt.

both you and your son might want to review the 'social hosting' laws in your state.

these are laws that talk specificly to the criminal, civil penalties and liability any person 'hosting' (just providing the location) can be held to.

b/c you guaranteed the lease (depending on how your contract with the landlord is written, and how it spells out your liability limitations), in some states you could still be held liable in addition to the tenant/host of the party.

these laws are separate from those that deal with providing alcohol to an underage drinker, they deal with 'hosting' a party where alcohol is consumed by underage drinkers. they are often under the health and welfare codes of cities, counties and states.

the liability can extend to some significant fines in addition to being held financialy responsible for all the costs associated with any time local law enforcement (and the associated administrative branches) have expended to respond to the party.


in some states, being the 'host' does'nt limit the liability to the one roommate that throws together one of these parties-'hosting' is permitting it to occur when you are the owner, leasor, or tenant on the property where the party occurs.

 

[Mermaid02]

both you and your son might want to review the 'social hosting' laws in your state.

these are laws that talk specificly to the criminal, civil penalties and liability any person 'hosting' (just providing the location) can be held to.

b/c you guaranteed the lease (depending on how your contract with the landlord is written, and how it spells out your liability limitations), in some states you could still be held liable in addition to the tenant/host of the party.

these laws are separate from those that deal with providing alcohol to an underage drinker, they deal with 'hosting' a party where alcohol is consumed by underage drinkers. they are often under the health and welfare codes of cities, counties and states.

the liability can extend to some significant fines in addition to being held financialy responsible for all the costs associated with any time local law enforcement (and the associated administrative branches) have expended to respond to the party.


in some states, being the 'host' does'nt limit the liability to the one roommate that throws together one of these parties-'hosting' is permitting it to occur when you are the owner, leasor, or tenant on the property where the party occurs.

Providing minors with a place to drink is illegal here....

 

[barkley]

Providing minors with a place to drink is illegal here....

in some states you don't even have to technicaly be doing the providing. if your name is on the rental agreement, or you own the place and are renting it out to someone else-if you have so much as an idea that underage drinking is occuring and you don't stop it you can be up for fines, penalties and a civil suit (so those whose names are on their college student's rental agreements should be very aware of the laws in their region).

 

[Mermaid02]

in some states you don't even have to technicaly be doing the providing. if your name is on the rental agreement, or you own the place and are renting it out to someone else-if you have so much as an idea that underage drinking is occuring and you don't stop it you can be up for fines, penalties and a civil suit (so those whose names are on their college student's rental agreements should be very aware of the laws in their region).

Exactly, parents who have gone on vacation and left teens unsupervised (essentially, making party central) can and have been fined.