I can't believe what just happened....

[RitaZ.]

He sounds unstable or at least very threatened by something. Does the girl not drive?

OP, you said that the father isn't allowing them to get married until your son graduates. I think that's absurd. They're adults, not teenagers. What makes him think that his daughter and your son will still want to marry when he is done with medical school? That's a long time away and a lot of things can happen... Maybe he really doesn't want them to get married? Odd story.

 

[dismom2]

He was at his girlfriends house all the time, not work. But this does not give him the right to yell at me. And why does he have a problem with her being at our house. She likes it here.

Well, the father is a grown man and has a right to be at his girlfriends house. His daughter is not a child anymore--she's 21, so he isn't obligated to be there raising her all the time. You also said she was at your house every day this summer, and you fed her twice a day. That's a lot of time at your house. Maybe he felt fine about being gone so much since she wasn't home, or maybe it's the other way around.

He should not have yelled at you. From what you have told, it sounds like the daughter likes being at your home, and you care about her and the baby---that's great. The daughter needs to find out what her fathers problem is. Without knowing the bottom line, all anyone can do is speculate. Is this unusual behavior for the father? If it's not, maybe she and your son should reconsider where she is living. I know your son has his plans and goals, but now there is a baby in the equation.... maybe it's time to make some new plans.

 

[Dancemom03]

I don't have an answer but wanted to send a . DS was 21 when my first grandson was born. Initially I thought it was the end of my world, then I adjusted, DGS10 was born and I was looking forward to enjoying my new "grandmother" status with the kids and their new baby.

Former DIL's parents had other ideas though, they got downright weird and very possessive after the baby was born and I remember feeling the same confusion it sounds like you may be now. I also remember wondering if I'd ever be allowed to see the baby enough to be a true grandparent. The one time DS brought the baby over and left him alone with me at four months for a few hours. He was here exactly twenty-five minutes before FDIL's mother found out, pulled up in my driveway, and insisted she take the baby back to her house immediately. I'd just fed him and she wouldn't even wait for me to change his little shirt & diaper or put on his snowsuit. She was still fighting to get him buckled into the carrier as she walked briskly down our driveway to her car.

These were people who hadn't cared a lick about where their daughter was since she was ten but supposedly suddenly became super-parents after their first grandchild was born while living in their home so the birth would be covered under their health insurance. Despite their jealousy, possessiveness, and immaturity, I've managed to enjoy my grandchildren anyway and develop a loving bond over the years as I'm sure you will with your new DGD. I'd like to say there's an easy explanation for the odd behavior but I never found one here. When I think about it now, I remember with love and amusement the words of our priest who reassured me that "sometimes people react to life changes so oddly that we're taken aback but we need to keep in mind that it's likely due to their own insecurities, not neccessarily a reaction to anything we've done. Eventually they'll go buy a sports car to assuage their mid-life crisis and things'll be fine." As usual, he was right...

Congrats on that new grandbaby OP! There's nothing like that new baby smell. Here's hoping her other granddad buys his sports car and gets over it in record time.

 

[S. C.]

It could be a bit of jealousy combined with stress. If the mom is out of the picture, it sounds like the GF and the new baby are just about the only family the dad has. Plus, you say he's lost his job and his girlfriend; that would definitely add stress and a feeling of loneliness.

Just curious, is there any great financial difference between you and the GF's father? If so and he's on the lower end, that could add to the jealousy -- fear that his daughter will take the baby and go live with you, leaving him in an empty house.

Not trying to excuse how he acted, just trying to add some insight.

I agree!

 

[Tink888]

From what you've written it sounds like the GF and baby are the only things in the Dad's life right now and he's been under stress. Sounds like he was just a worried parent who lost his cool. Just as you are worried about your son being stressed out while he's at school studying. Also, maybe he feels a little threatened.

Not excusing the Dad's behavior, he was wrong, but he's also human.

I agree with the other posters, where the girl got pregnant is irrelevant. Dad isn't responsible for that, only your son and his GF are.

It sounds like there's a little animosity on both sides of each family.

 

[bumbershoot]

Sounds like he's pretty stressed. If you get along with him otherwise, maybe you could try to ask him what's going on and if you can help.


Otherwise, good for you for letting her sleep, and supporting her nursing her new baby. I bet you brought her tons of water, too.


And I think what you're saying when you talk about where baby was concieved is that...he wasn't overly concerned about where she was or what she was doing 40-ish weeks ago...so why now. Obvious answer is "new grandbaby", but he needs to communicate, not yell in front of said grandbaby.

 

[horseshowmom]

this does not give him the right to yell at me. And why does he have a problem with her being at our house. She likes it here.

You're right. He was way out of line. From what you've said, he was able to contact her at any point he wanted. If he wanted to know when she was coming home, all he had to do was call her and ask.

Personally, I think he behaved very badly. The baby doesn't belong just to him, and it's not healthy for him to behave that way. Further, he hasn't had a problem with her being at your house up until this point, so it's ridiculous to act this way now (it would be different if there was something wrong with you ). That's not even mentioning the fact that she's 21 years old and isn't his property to be locked inside his house away from you regardless of who is footing the bills.

If the father wants better communications or wants to set ground rules it is not the OP's job to make sure the girlfriend does this. These are adults and now parents we are talking about not 7 year old kids with scheduled playdates.

Geez Louise, with the way her father acts, it's now wonder she loves being at your house. he sounds like he has a screw loose.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yep, dad is sporting some jealously and you took the heat for it.

I know you are shaken up by it and so was your son.

Now, here is the deal....now that you KNOW that the dad has a weird deal going on in his head, you sit down with the the GF and you talk about it.

You explain that her father's recent outburst is "out there" and that she should take steps to be proactive about calling him.

Instead of being hurt and negative, be proactive in a positive way.

 

[aprilgail2]

Oh and I forgot to say- you took a 9 day old baby to a family day at a college? The germaphobe in me is Maybe the Dad had a disagreement about that as well- leading to his overreaction?

I agree!!
I think the father is a bit nuts but I could not even imagine being just 21 and having a baby- not something I would want for my daughter!

 

[rie'smom]

I agree!!
I think the father is a bit nuts but I could not even imagine being just 21 and having a baby- not something I would want for my daughter!

Who said it was an ideal situation? I don't think the OP said she wanted this for her son. It happened. They're trying to deal with it.

 

[hinodis]

I am also very upset that his outburst was in front of my DD12 as well. On the way home she said I thought DGF's dad was nice, but he's not, he is mean.

 

[hinodis]

Sounds like he's pretty stressed. If you get along with him otherwise, maybe you could try to ask him what's going on and if you can help.


Otherwise, good for you for letting her sleep, and supporting her nursing her new baby. I bet you brought her tons of water, too.


And I think what you're saying when you talk about where baby was concieved is that...he wasn't overly concerned about where she was or what she was doing 40-ish weeks ago...so why now. Obvious answer is "new grandbaby", but he needs to communicate, not yell in front of said grandbaby.

Exactly my point!! Thank you.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

He was at his girlfriends house all the time, not work. But this does not give him the right to yell at me. And why does he have a problem with her being at our house. She likes it here.

That is probably why he has a problem with it. He doesn't want her to like it to much and then decide to live with you. He doesn't want to lose her so in his head if he can limit her time there she'll stay with him. At least that is what I get from it. If I were you I would call him and ask him over for coffee so you can talk. Maybe let him know that you know that both of you love this baby and want what is best and that you are in no way trying to take his dd away etc. Maybe he panicked a bit. I still think it was over the top but we all have our moments.
BTW- Congrats on the grandchild!

 

[dicar123]

It sounds like you're all under a lot of stress and girlfriend's father may be most stressed. He has to be afraid that she likes you better, maybe he won't get to see the baby so much, maybe he's feeling like a heel for not looking after her when she was younger?

Explain to the dd12 that things are rough for him, and all of us have lost our cool at an inopportune moment. It happens.

I think a little kindness and understanding might go a long way here.

BTW, you are really stepping up for the young people here, yay you for being so supportive!

 

[cruisnfamily]

If the girl lives with her father, and has a 9 day old baby, he probably wants to know of her plans. It's a communication issue between her and her father.
In a perfect world, she would be living with your son, and they would take care of their baby together, and not have to answer to anybody (since they are over 21). But, when you choose to live at home, or have a baby and live an alternative lifestyle (at her fathers home, without the father of the baby there, etc...), unfortunately, you have to live by your parents rules. She will have to work it out with her father. I don't know why he would blame you....unless he is afraid you will take her (and the baby) away from him, or something. There has to be more to the story, and the girl should talk to her father and find out how he really feels and why, and try to figure it out from there. It sounds like your DS has a lot on his platter, but he is a father now, so he also has that responsibility, too.

I agree with this post wholeheartedly! He was out of line to yell at you but not out of line to have expectations of his daughter since this is the path she's chosen. It's between him and her and he shouldn't have involved you.

 

[luvsJack]

My ds and his gf have a 2 1/2 month old. He is 25 but she is only 20 (just turned 20).

My one piece of advice when the baby got here, was you are now parents, you are adults. If you need all us grandparents, we are here (meaning me, dh, ds's dad, my mom, ds's other grandma, gf's mom, gf's dad and stepmom and gf's grandma). We will help you in anyway we can. But, every decision is ultimately yours. Listen to the doctor, read the baby books and go with your heart. And I told them that advice includes whether to live together, marry, where to live and all that goes with that too. (ds had just finished school so that wasn't as much of a consideration for us)

We all had to learn to let go of these two and not treat them like children anymore. This girl is 21 years old. She has to do what is right for her, not for her dad. I don't know when your ds will be home again but it sounds as though they need to go to her dad as a united front, let him know they are a family and that where she and the baby go is ultimately their decision. Of course, he could say that she can't stay with him then and they would have to be ready for that. If they aren't, then until dad lets up she may just have to do as he says.

As for the where they got pregnant and why dad is worried now: maybe its guilt? (not really implying that its his fault, but he very well may feel that way)

 

[hinodis]

DH is going to talk to him today. DH is not happy about this either, he is very upset that he was so disrespectful to me. We have done waaay more for his daughter then he has. I am still very upset about the whole thing. He did not have a problem with her being here everyday all summer. It was fine because he was with his GF everynight. DGF even commented that her Dad was not even buying groceries for their home anymore because he was eating at his GF's everyday. I don't care if he was "stressed", he knew where she was and that she was very well taken care of.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DH is going to talk to him today. DH is not happy about this either, he is very upset that he was so disrespectful to me. We have done waaay more for his daughter then he has. I am still very upset about the whole thing. He did not have a problem with her being here everyday all summer. It was fine because he was with his GF everynight. DGF even commented that her Dad was not even buying groceries for their home anymore because he was eating at his GF's everyday. I don't care if he was "stressed", he knew where she was and that she was very well taken care of.

You don't care? Whoa...not a good place to go. This is a tense situation and you need to place yourself in his shoes.

As I said before becoming postive proactive and not negative war here is the way to go.

You are at a fork in the road and building a relationship with this person is the goal, not tearing it down.

Yes he was a JERK of the highest order. If you really want to go over there and resolve it, go over there yourself. Do not send your DH. That is how things begin to get blown out of proportion. Take him out to lunch to talk about it.

In other words go "Dr. Phil" on him and not "Jerry Springer".

 

[hinodis]

His DD was in my van with her 9 day old baby crying while he was standing there for 10 minutesa yelling at me and telling me he was mad at me, DH my son and his DD. I am not accepting any excuses for his behavior. I am a litlle stressed myself, who isn't these days? I finally told him he needed to take some of his DD's midol and said you seem to have PMS.

 

[wdwfan16]

He was at his girlfriends house all the time, not work. But this does not give him the right to yell at me. And why does he have a problem with her being at our house. She likes it here.

He did not have the right to yell at you but he IS supporting them, so she is not truely an adult.

You son needs to move his GF and baby to school and support them there and then the interference will be lessened. They are 21 so they CAN get married or move in together.

I would never have taken a 9 day old baby and new mom on that trip. You son needs to come to visit his daughter and GF.