I am SO mad right now!

[Katieinwonderland]

I am mad at my DH I could scream. Tell me if I'm being totally unreasonable...

We just bought our first house, a process that was pretty stressful as most homebuyers know! The closing date got bounced around a lot because it's a bank owned property and they are dragging their feet, but today we were told we would be closing on tuesday of this coming week
DH woke me up this morning to tell me this, and that his parents were coming up from Miami next weekend to help us clean the place before we start to move in; it needs to be really scrubbed plus there is a hardwood floor to lay.

So he says to me "I need you to make sure you're not working tuesday for the closing, and I need you to get friday through monday off to help my parents with cleaning the place." He booked the time off from his job yesterday; he's been with his company for 4 years and has no problem getting time off at really short notice. I, however, work two jobs; one in a restaurant which has really long hours, and the other is a holiday job in a retail store I work a few hours a week.

Now, there is no way I can go to both jobs with less than a weeks notice and say to them "I need FIVE days off this week." (The week for both places starts on a tuesday so it would all come under one work week.) Three of those days are also over a weekend, the busiest time for both locations. I told DH to just be prepared that I probably can't get all that time off - and he FLIPPED OUT and started yelling that if his parents are driving all the way up, I HAVE to be there to help out. He left this morning for work telling me "you WILL be there this weekend, make it happen!"

Am I being unreasonable for thinking I'm not a freaking miracle worker? These jobs bring in WAY more money than he makes, I'll be paying 3/4 of the mortgage and I think it's important I'm not seen as being difficult with asking for time off around the holidays. I appreciate his parents are coming up to help out, it's really good of them but I just don't think I can be there the whole time.

 

[Schmeck]

I'd be more worried about your husband's demanding/explosive behavior

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I wouldn't necessarily be 'angry' (though I understand that this would be your first gut reaction...)

But, I would be very upset and concerned about your husbands inappropriate, hostile, demanding, controlling, behavior.

 

[golfgal]

I'd be more worried about your husband's demanding/explosive behavior

Same here-WOW.

 

[Wishing on a star]

These jobs bring in WAY more money than he makes, I'll be paying 3/4 of the mortgage

I think the above statement have a LOT to do with this....

 

[TashaRVT]

No, you're not being unreasonable, he's being an idiot.

Seems to me that your husband, like almost all men, is perhaps somewhat of a Momma's boy, and is afraid of what his parents will think if you're not able to be there. My husband is the same way, but he's gotten a bit better over the past 12 years; he'd NEVER admit it though!!

Isn't it crappy when they pull this kind of junk on you? Now you're probably walking around with your stomach in knots, cause you know you most likely won't be able to do what he wants you to do to make him happy.

Do what you can to compromise; see if you can get some of the time off, but don't kill yourself. Your inlaws probably have no idea about the demands of your husband, and would most likely be more than understanding about you not being able to get the time off! Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would tell my dh that while I understand all the high emotions right now, I will not ask for time off.

In the future you need to check with me. Then he has to deal with it.

Time to diffuse the situation by handling it calmly.

And frankly his parents equal his problem. Words to live by in a marriage.

 

[mickeyboat]

Boy, has be always been this controlling? Does he have a problem with where you work, or with you working in general?

Yes, it would be best if you could take the time off, but your DH needs to understand that in order for you to keep this house, you need to work, Tell him you will do the best you can to get off whatever time you can, try to switch with a co-worker. If you can't get all the time off, work hard when you have time off.

Good luck, and congrats on your new home.

 

[BelleWDW]

Am I being unreasonable for thinking I'm not a freaking miracle worker? These jobs bring in WAY more money than he makes, I'll be paying 3/4 of the mortgage and I think it's important I'm not seen as being difficult with asking for time off around the holidays. I appreciate his parents are coming up to help out, it's really good of them but I just don't think I can be there the whole time.

I cant believe you make "way more" than your DH working in a restaurant! Seriously. And that a bank gave you a mortgage based on a restaurant job. Here, several long time places have recently closed, due to the economy

But to the question-your DH is unresonable-those ARE the busy days for retail and dining.

 

[OceanAnnie]

He's being unreasonable, among other unpleasant things. It wouldn't sit too well with me to be talked to like that or have unrealistic demands placed on me. Why doesn't he take off work if it's so easy?

 

[OceanAnnie]

I would tell my dh that while I understand all the high emotions right now, I will not ask for time off.

In the future you need to check with me. Then he has to deal with it.

Time to diffuse the situation by handling it calmly.

And frankly his parents equal his problem. Words to live by in a marriage.

Yes. This is best. Try not to add fuel to the fire. Hard but doable.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I would tell my dh that while I understand all the high emotions right now, I will not ask for time off.

In the future you need to check with me. Then he has to deal with it.

Time to diffuse the situation by handling it calmly.

And frankly his parents equal his problem. Words to live by in a marriage.

What she said.

 

[Allison]

He's way out of line. Does he not understand how your bills are getting paid?

 

[PatsGirl]

I cant believe you make "way more" than your DH working in a restaurant! Seriously. And that a bank gave you a mortgage based on a restaurant job.

Wow. Just for the record, I made enough money waitressing during the 80s (about $500/week take home) that I got a mortgage as a single 22 year old. I have friends TODAY that make more working in restaurants than I do in my purchasing position of 18 years and most of them also have mortgages based on their restaurant positions. Very judgmental and not very nice


And to the original post: You are not being unreasonable, your husband is. Hopefully this is a new marriage where you will have lots of years to train him better Personally, his attitude and demeanor would be a deal breaker for me

 

[mmackeymouse]

I work for a very, very understanding employer. I may be able to get off ONE day last minute.

But, I think even she would put her foot down trying to get off a whole week with no notice. Especially if it is not something sickness or emergency related.

I guess I am going to agree with everyone else in here, that it is the controlling words that disturb me the most. Has this always been the case, or do you think it has just been spurred on by the high stress of homebuying?

 

[Kath2003]

DH woke me up this morning to tell me this, and that his parents were coming up from Miami next weekend to help us clean the place before we start to move in; it needs to be really scrubbed plus there is a hardwood floor to lay.

So he says to me "I need you to make sure you're not working tuesday for the closing, and I need you to get friday through monday off to help my parents with cleaning the place."

.....

I told DH to just be prepared that I probably can't get all that time off - and he FLIPPED OUT and started yelling that if his parents are driving all the way up, I HAVE to be there to help out. He left this morning for work telling me "you WILL be there this weekend, make it happen!"

You and your husband need to have a SERIOUS talk about your future together because from that post, he hasn't once ASKED you to take time off or DISCUSSED his parents coming down with you. That's not a marriage. That's not even a friendship.

I would tell my dh that while I understand all the high emotions right now, I will not ask for time off.

In the future you need to check with me. Then he has to deal with it.

Time to diffuse the situation by handling it calmly.

And frankly his parents equal his problem. Words to live by in a marriage.

Exactly this.
If my partner wants to make plans without me, that's fine. I don't mind what he spends his own time doing or any plans he makes with others. But plans that are not discussed with me do not involve me. You want me to be there, you need to ask and appreciate that I have other commitments.

Your DH needs to realise that there are other things in your life besides him, his parents and their collective wants.

Also: how many people does it take to clean a house and lay a hardwood floor? I'm sure you appreciate extra hands but the job would get done anyway even if you can't get time off and his parents didn't come up. It would take a bit longer. It's not like you're missing a once-in-a-lifetime event...

Finally: where is DH Friday through Monday? Can't he help his parents out?

 

[ilovejack02]

I would tell my dh that while I understand all the high emotions right now, I will not ask for time off.

In the future you need to check with me. Then he has to deal with it.

Time to diffuse the situation by handling it calmly.

And frankly his parents equal his problem. Words to live by in a marriage.

Best way to go, if you really cant take any time off. If you can get a cpl of days, by all means try, but if not too bad for him.

As for everyone talking about him being demanding and having explosive behavior.. sometimes people blow up.
I know we all occasionally have a freak out moment , my hubby says even men get PMS sometimes ; ).

Ive been married 13+ yrs and yes I have been yelled at like this by hubby for stupid stuff and I have done the same. NOT OFTEN AT ALL, but it has happened.

He may realize he is being crazy and he is just stressed about house and apologize when he gets home. Your best bet is to remain calm.

Now if he does this all the time then that is a whole other story .. only you know his true behavior. I would never stand being treated like that, nor would I have kids with someone who acted like that!

Good luck!

 

[alexandria674]

Sorry, I will have to agree, your husband is being unreasonable. You have every right to be mad, heck I'd be too.

 

[luvsJack]

Maybe you and he could sit down together and discuss the fact that you cannot take that many days off, how many you possibly can take off and how you two will be able to get all of those things done without you taking off work. (I am hoping that his actions were caused by his stress of a new mortgage and all that needs to be done in a short time to move in.)

I can kind of understand his want for you to be off while his parents take the time to come and help; but he should understand if you can't take off at a moment's notice.

 

[Katieinwonderland]

Thanks for the replies!

DH called ten minutes ago to apologize. It doesn't make what to said to me alright, but at least I guess he knows he was being unfair. For everyone that asked about him being controlling/explosive, he's not really, I just think the stress of homebuying gave him a short fuse. He's actually never spoken to me like that before, which is why I was so angry! He's a pretty calm guy, stress just really gets to him.

His mother is a little hotheaded and I know she'll be mad that I'm not going to be there the whole time to help out. But DH will be there and I'll be there when I can.

Thanks again for letting me whine! It's nice to have a place to vent sometimes!