i am so low...

[scojos]

and dont normally post over here, but posting my problems into space so of makes it easier.
i have three kids, the middle 1 has asd, the eldest adhd.
i have finally admitted to myself i cant cope. my parents only live up the road, but theey are elderly and struglle with my boys, the 2 eldest are 8 and 10, the youngest (my dd) is 5.
today is my bday and we have been to a tourist attraction, which has involved lines and waiting like wdw. it was awful.
all my spare time in the last 6 months has been spent planning this trip, and i guess today i realised it will not be magical, because my boys hate each other.
my eldest "snaps" all the time, they bicker constantly unless they are apart and i am mentally and physically exhausted.
either that or they are fighting and punching each others lights out, or agruing. i have had a huge fight with my eldest, i am sick of being spoken to like i was the dog, no respect, expected to do everything.
i work full time (i teach high school) my dh is ds's carer so when i come home i try and give him some support...
i know its his age, i have grounded him etc but nothing works.
to make matters worth its my birthday today-dh announced last night we were going to dc for my bday, what a difference a day makes.
i have posted here because i thought someone might be able to give me advice on brothers of asd kids and how to deal with them.
thankyou
tracy

 

[J'aime Paris]

First, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Second, .

I don't have any advise to give, except hang in there. I felt sad after seeing the title in your post.

I am a special ed. aide at an elementary school, so I know that some days are really tough.

You were picked to be these boys mum for a reason. And you'll find the strength to get through it.

 

[alizesmom]

Just sending lots of hugs for you. You need them. Karen

 

[Schmeck]

It sounds like you need to have more time with your children, so that they can respect you. My girls had the same negative relationship with my husband as it sounds like you have with your sons. My husband would be at work before they got up in the morning, and home hours after they got home from school. They had no time to develop a good relationship. They looked at their dad as if to say "who the heck are you, and why are you asking us so many questions and telling us what to do?" I was the one who did everything for/with them for 99% of the day, then he would show up and boss them around.

How do the boys act for your husband? Do they disrespect him? What does he do when they fight, act rude, demanding, etc? You need to be on the same page as your husband about discipline, punishment, respect, and responsibility. Having ADHD or autism does not mean a free pass to be rude and disrespectful, so don't let them get away with it!

 

[ireland_nicole]

First,
Now: You've had a really awful day. All of us living the adventures of austism have em, and therefore understand. You're not alone, and you are going to make it.

It sounds as if some of the problem is that you realized your expectations for your upcoming trip were unrealistic. That's good, b/c now you can work on finding strategies to make your trip better, like using a GAC appropriately, using a service like TGM (one of my faves) maybe seperating some of the time so that you each get quality time w/ all the boys seperately, taking breaks, deciding what to do re: problem behavior, etc. You can make a plan, and it WILL help.

Also, b-days are time when we reflect on our lives, where we are, where we were, and were we thought we would be. I'm willing to bet that where you are is probably not where you dreamed when you thought of having kids. There are a lot of positives to go with the challenges, but you can't see them this minute. And that's o.k.

Go ahead and do something nice for yourself, give the woman inside you a present today; a long bath, some time to read, chocolate, a glass of wine, whatever works for you. And celebrate that woman, because she is pretty awesome.

Blessings
Nicole

 

[Earstou]

Well, it's easy for us to sit here and say "this is what's wrong - fix it" but since we don't live your situation, it's hard to know exactly what to tell you. So take everything I say with a grain of salt!
My ds is adhd and asd. I have found it takes a very firm hand with him, and I have to be consistent. Plus, in my home, I've tried to ban hitting and punching. There are serious consequences for those actions. I started this when the kids were very young, so they grew up with this. I wouldn't know how to implement it with older kids?
I did timeouts at home, and realized I needed to do them in public. They had to sit on the floor for the time limit. Public behavior really improved after I started that!
My aunt took over as primary caregiver of her two grandsons. Their father had been primary carer before that. My aunt felt the boys needed "a woman's touch" as they were very rough and tumble. Fathers want their boys to be tough, and sometimes niceties go by the roadside. Trying not to be offensive, but could this be happening with your boys?

Hang in there! It's a tough spot you are in. Don't look down on yourself, because you are doing the best you can and you're trying, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for advice. That's what good moms do!

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I don't know how easy this is for you, but perhaps spending some time with each child individually will help. Your eldest son is starting to get to that age where it seems like little boys start getting attitude problems (I see it all the time when I sub) and can be frustrating to deal with.

I odn't know how sever your ASD son is, but there are many places that offer respite care to families of children with special needs so that they can take a break and have some time to themselves. This could be what you need to regroup.

Another thing that might help is reading a book to your eldest son about autism, a way to remind him that his brother cannot help what he does. There is an excellent fictional book called "Rules" that I would recommend for any siblings of children with autism.

Talk to the special educators at your school about this problem. I just got out of a semester long class on working with families of children with special needs and this was a big topic. They should be able to give you some really good advice and point you in the direction of services in your area that might help you out.

 

[bookwormde]

Please try to take care of yourself first.

I had a long post written but sounded way to direct at this point so I erased it.

Just remember in a spectrum family respect, discipline and so forth cannot be effectively accomplished by neurotypical methodologies.

When you get more settled please come back and post some more.

There are lots of things that can be changed to make things better but now is not the time

bookwormde

 

[minkydog]

first, Hugs to you. You have a hard life and it sounds like you need more support. You love your kids and you obviously want good things for them. It has to be breaking your heart. So, you might not like what I'm going to say, but I'm going to say it: It's not just their age. It's not normal for children to be disrespectful of their parents. It's not normal for them to fight like cats and dogs. I would strongly suggest some family counseling with someone who is experienced with spectrum disorders so you and your DH can get a grip on what's happening in your family. If your child was ill, you'd seek out a doctor, right? Maybe even a children's hospital?? This is a crisis. Don't let this situation continue; it won't be easier as they get older.

Please don't think I'm picking on you. I'm not. I have a child with severe ADHD & bipolar and another one who is severely mentally handicapped & autistic. Plus, one who is completely average. I know your exhaustion. I know how it is to want to throw in the towel, but you can't because everyone depends on you. That's why I'm suggesting family counseling. Because it's not just you. It's them. It's everyone. It's the whole difficult ball of wax and it will take the whole family to turn things around.

Best of luck to you.

 

[scojos]

thanks for your support guys, i really appreciate it, was just tired and hormonal.
waiting for doctors to get in touch, again.
tracy

 

[mgilmer]

first, Hugs to you. You have a hard life and it sounds like you need more support. You love your kids and you obviously want good things for them. It has to be breaking your heart. So, you might not like what I'm going to say, but I'm going to say it: It's not just their age. It's not normal for children to be disrespectful of their parents. It's not normal for them to fight like cats and dogs. I would strongly suggest some family counseling with someone who is experienced with spectrum disorders so you and your DH can get a grip on what's happening in your family. If your child was ill, you'd seek out a doctor, right? Maybe even a children's hospital?? This is a crisis. Don't let this situation continue; it won't be easier as they get older.

Please don't think I'm picking on you. I'm not. I have a child with severe ADHD & bipolar and another one who is severely mentally handicapped & autistic. Plus, one who is completely average. I know your exhaustion. I know how it is to want to throw in the towel, but you can't because everyone depends on you. That's why I'm suggesting family counseling. Because it's not just you. It's them. It's everyone. It's the whole difficult ball of wax and it will take the whole family to turn things around.

Best of luck to you.

Outstanding advice!