I AM SO ANNOYED! Marriage/parenting issues

[SnowWhite607]

I am so annoyed! I have one DD 9 who is spoiled rotten! She will cry and throw a fit any time she doesnt get what she wants. When I try to punish her (time out, take things away) DH will run behind me and "fix" it.

For example, Saturday she had a DS game that she said would not work....well she hadnt taken the time to read the instructions on the new game so it wasnt that the game didnt work, she just didnt know how to play it yet. But according to her its "broken" and she starts throwing a fit - crying, screaming, just going on and on. I calmly walked in the room, took the game form her and sent her to a time out in her room (no TV or computer, we are remodeling in there so its truly a boring place now). I set the timer on the microwave for 9 minutes. Well she starts crying LOUDLY and after 3 minutes I see DH walking down the hall, opens her door and starts talking to her, hugging her, etc. He had seen me give her the time out so he knew why she was in there. So I told him to close the door and kind of shooed him away back into the living room. I asked him "how can you justify doing that when she is in time out?" and he said "well I'm not going to just sit here and listen to her cry."

Then how an I supposed to punish her and have it make an impression if he wont let her be the least bit uncomfortable??

They have a store here that has a "wheel of WOW" modeled after the Webkinz wheel. So you spin it and win a little prize. I told her I would take her on Monday. Well Sunday night I asked her to go to bed and she wouldnt. She talked, hollered, cried, said she had read something scary in her book and she was scared to sleep, etc. So DH came in there, sat her in his lap, hugged her, etc. All this did was allow her to stall and not go to sleep. THEN the next morning she asked if we were going to the store to spin the wheel and I said "No, due tou your behavior last night and not doing what I asked and then throwing a fit about it, we will not be going today." So of course, she ran to DH and cried about it and the next thing I know they are walking out the door and he said "I am taking her to spin the wheel!"

Can you say LIVID??

He and I have never been on the same page, parenting wise. I feel like I can discipline without him going behind my back and undoing it. He is not doing her any favors at all. And I have told him this over and over and I am just sick of it. He will sheepishly say "yeah I know..." when I give him a glimpse of how she may be at 12, 15 or 17 but he wont do anything to change it.

I have a feeling she would be a different child if he were out of the picture. I do not spank but once I swatted her on the butt with a paperback book and he made me feel like the worst mother in the world.

Any thoughts, opinions, suggestions? I swear, I am at the end of my rope!."

 

[Magic Mom]

I can see how you would be angry. It's no wonder she throws tantrums, it works really well for her. Dad rescues her from you as soon as she throws a fit.

I wish I had some good advice for you. Maybe family counseling would help?

 

[kamik86]

You and your DH need to get on the same page. She is never going to not cry and throw a huge fit. Because she knows he will give in. Trust me when I was little I had the system down.

For me it was: You ask Dad for little things like cookies because he won't care and will just say yes. You tell Mom the big things that you would REALLY get in trouble for because she is softer and will talk to Dad so you get screamed at less. If you want something and Mom and Dad say no go to the big sisters and cry they will give in. Luckily my parents figured this out and put a stop to it because I would hate to think what kind of a hellion I would be if I continued to be this spoiled (I was still spoiled though just not this rotten)

The above is to explain that your DD KNOWS that no punishment you give is going to stick if she works over Daddy. She doesn't need to behave because she can get out of it every time.

The thing is if you try to change it he has to be 100% on board. Because she isn't going to be crying at you, she is going to go crying to him because he is the weak point. All her efforts (and she will escalate them if he starts to seem like he is wavering the least bit) will be directed to him.

One suggestion, would be to if you punish her and she starts up DH goes and takes a walk. This way he doesn't have to listen to her scream and cry and won't be able to give in.

 

[golfgal]

Take DH to Hollister and have him sit in that store for a couple hours and watch the snotty teenage girls that come and go and point out that THIS is what our DD is going to be like if you don't knock it off (not all kids that shop at Hollister are snotty, just a good place to find more then your fair share of them). Maybe seeing someone else's kid will turn on the lights???

 

[SnowWhite607]

Take DH to Hollister and have him sit in that store for a couple hours and watch the snotty teenage girls that come and go and point out that THIS is what our DD is going to be like if you don't knock it off (not all kids that shop at Hollister are snotty, just a good place to find more then your fair share of them). Maybe seeing someone else's kid will turn on the lights???

the funny part is that DH is a teacher and coach. He sees all kinds of kids, girls and boys, from 4th grade thru 12th. He coaches girls softball for the high school so he sees and knows how they are because he comes home complaining about them!

I just always tell him that one day DD will be gone to college and it will be the two of us again and we need to be able to get along in OUR relationship....not that I am in a hurry for her to leave because I love her more than anything in this world. But I am also smart enough to recognize a problem and I want to fix it. All I see is that when she leaves, I am gonna resent DH BIG TIME.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am so annoyed! I have one DD 9 who is spoiled rotten! She will cry and throw a fit any time she doesnt get what she wants. When I try to punish her (time out, take things away) DH will run behind me and "fix" it.

For example, Saturday she had a DS game that she said would not work....well she hadnt taken the time to read the instructions on the new game so it wasnt that the game didnt work, she just didnt know how to play it yet. But according to her its "broken" and she starts throwing a fit - crying, screaming, just going on and on. I calmly walked in the room, took the game form her and sent her to a time out in her room (no TV or computer, we are remodeling in there so its truly a boring place now). I set the timer on the microwave for 9 minutes. Well she starts crying LOUDLY and after 3 minutes I see DH walking down the hall, opens her door and starts talking to her, hugging her, etc. He had seen me give her the time out so he knew why she was in there. So I told him to close the door and kind of shooed him away back into the living room. I asked him "how can you justify doing that when she is in time out?" and he said "well I'm not going to just sit here and listen to her cry."

Then how an I supposed to punish her and have it make an impression if he wont let her be the least bit uncomfortable??

They have a store here that has a "wheel of WOW" modeled after the Webkinz wheel. So you spin it and win a little prize. I told her I would take her on Monday. Well Sunday night I asked her to go to bed and she wouldnt. She talked, hollered, cried, said she had read something scary in her book and she was scared to sleep, etc. So DH came in there, sat her in his lap, hugged her, etc. All this did was allow her to stall and not go to sleep. THEN the next morning she asked if we were going to the store to spin the wheel and I said "No, due tou your behavior last night and not doing what I asked and then throwing a fit about it, we will not be going today." So of course, she ran to DH and cried about it and the next thing I know they are walking out the door and he said "I am taking her to spin the wheel!"

Can you say LIVID??

He and I have never been on the same page, parenting wise. I feel like I can discipline without him going behind my back and undoing it. He is not doing her any favors at all. And I have told him this over and over and I am just sick of it. He will sheepishly say "yeah I know..." when I give him a glimpse of how she may be at 12, 15 or 17 but he wont do anything to change it.

I have a feeling she would be a different child if he were out of the picture. I do not spank but once I swatted her on the butt with a paperback book and he made me feel like the worst mother in the world.

Any thoughts, opinions, suggestions? I swear, I am at the end of my rope!."

It appears that your dd is getting caught in the crossfire of your marriage. If you have tension between your spouse, it makes for a tense house with a child that acts out. Plus she knows her daddy will come to her rescue if he is there. Not good.

It has to be very confusing for a 9yo child to deal with parents that do not agree with each other.

So in short, work out a plan between you, come together as a team to get yourself back together. Once that happens the discipline of your child is much easier. There are many strategies you can use. Once you find one you can both agree on, then it is up to consistency.

If you are already imagining him out of the picture, it is probably time for some marriage counseling. Your dd's behavior may be a symptom of what is going on in your marriage. He may be using your dd to get back at you in some way. I don't know. Just stuff to think about.

It is fixable. My oldest child made it to 19 so far. She was a challenging child to say the least.

 

[golfgal]

the funny part is that DH is a teacher and coach. He sees all kinds of kids, girls and boys, from 4th grade thru 12th. He coaches girls softball for the high school so he sees and knows how they are because he comes home complaining about them!

I just always tell him that one day DD will be gone to college and it will be the two of us again and we need to be able to get along in OUR relationship....not that I am in a hurry for her to leave because I love her more than anything in this world. But I am also smart enough to recognize a problem and I want to fix it. All I see is that when she leaves, I am gonna resent DH BIG TIME.

Ok, make a deal with him, do an "experiment". If he doesn't interfere with your discipline for a month and DD doesn't change her ways then he can have total control of the discipline but he is NOT allowed to come back to you in the future whining about DD's behavior. Now, we all know that if DD doesn't get her way after a few days of no results from the tantrums she will stop.

 

[Luvchefmic]

a pp suggested counseling...do you think he would be willing to go? I feel for you, obviously you & DH have different parenting styles and I'm sure it didn't happen overnight. He needs to know that "United we stand Divided we fall" is the future for your marriage. Kids learn so fast how to play the good cop bad cop game....

 

[wdwfan16]

I am so annoyed! I have one DD 9 who is spoiled rotten! She will cry and throw a fit any time she doesnt get what she wants. When I try to punish her (time out, take things away) DH will run behind me and "fix" it.

For example, Saturday she had a DS game that she said would not work....well she hadnt taken the time to read the instructions on the new game so it wasnt that the game didnt work, she just didnt know how to play it yet. But according to her its "broken" and she starts throwing a fit - crying, screaming, just going on and on. I calmly walked in the room, took the game form her and sent her to a time out in her room (no TV or computer, we are remodeling in there so its truly a boring place now). I set the timer on the microwave for 9 minutes. Well she starts crying LOUDLY and after 3 minutes I see DH walking down the hall, opens her door and starts talking to her, hugging her, etc. He had seen me give her the time out so he knew why she was in there. So I told him to close the door and kind of shooed him away back into the living room. I asked him "how can you justify doing that when she is in time out?" and he said "well I'm not going to just sit here and listen to her cry."

Then how an I supposed to punish her and have it make an impression if he wont let her be the least bit uncomfortable??

They have a store here that has a "wheel of WOW" modeled after the Webkinz wheel. So you spin it and win a little prize. I told her I would take her on Monday. Well Sunday night I asked her to go to bed and she wouldnt. She talked, hollered, cried, said she had read something scary in her book and she was scared to sleep, etc. So DH came in there, sat her in his lap, hugged her, etc. All this did was allow her to stall and not go to sleep. THEN the next morning she asked if we were going to the store to spin the wheel and I said "No, due tou your behavior last night and not doing what I asked and then throwing a fit about it, we will not be going today." So of course, she ran to DH and cried about it and the next thing I know they are walking out the door and he said "I am taking her to spin the wheel!"

Can you say LIVID??

He and I have never been on the same page, parenting wise. I feel like I can discipline without him going behind my back and undoing it. He is not doing her any favors at all. And I have told him this over and over and I am just sick of it. He will sheepishly say "yeah I know..." when I give him a glimpse of how she may be at 12, 15 or 17 but he wont do anything to change it.

I have a feeling she would be a different child if he were out of the picture. I do not spank but once I swatted her on the butt with a paperback book and he made me feel like the worst mother in the world.

Any thoughts, opinions, suggestions? I swear, I am at the end of my rope!."

Your DH is wrong.

He will never be out of the picture. If you divorce it will just get worse and she may choose to live with him. Parenting classes would be the best route for you.

 

[DMickey28]

I can't imagine going through this with an older child. We struggle with my DS who is 3. My DH is the softie too but luckily he is starting to see how his giving in is effecting our DS. I tell my DH how different my DS behaves when DH is not around.

Obviously this wouldn't work for you but when DS starts waking at night and calling for Daddy (because Daddy will give in and lay in bed with him for the rest of the night) I have to take the monitor and turn it down or off and let DH get back to sleep. Otherwise he can't take the crying ... we obviously know the difference between whining crying and real stuff.

I think the PP that said DH maybe needs to leave the house when punishment happens until he starts to see the benefits from it and can stay strong might work. He obviously knows what he is doing is wrong because when you talk about it he agrees (my DH is the same) but it pulls at his heart too much to stand strong. See if he will agree to leave the room or the house or get to where he can't hear her crying ...

Good Luck. I am in similar shoes just with a younger kid ...

 

[mjkacmom]

I think one of the most important parenting tip out there is to be a united front. My oldest was a handful, but we never gave in, and she's now a great 13 year old. My other dd's are SO easy - "yes mommy, I love you mommy," never ever whine or throw tantrums. I think the fact that your dd appears to be an only child will make matters worse. Having 5, we HAVE to tow the line. If you want to cry about something silly, feel free to do it in your room, and come out when you are done (dd13 did this a lot!).

 

[NY Disney fan]

I agree with Mystery Machine. This parenting problem is now a marriage problem. Two people who are not on the same page will not be happy with each other. Its very possible that the two of you do not have the same vision of what you want your family life to be. Maybe you want one thing and he wants another and you two don't realize it...you both think you are on the same page when you aren't. Before you drift apart, find out if you two are headed in the same direction.

 

[SnowWhite607]

I can't imagine going through this with an older child. We struggle with my DS who is 3. My DH is the softie too but luckily he is starting to see how his giving in is effecting our DS. I tell my DH how different my DS behaves when DH is not around.
Obviously this wouldn't work for you but when DS starts waking at night and calling for Daddy (because Daddy will give in and lay in bed with him for the rest of the night) I have to take the monitor and turn it down or off and let DH get back to sleep. Otherwise he can't take the crying ... we obviously know the difference between whining crying and real stuff.

I think the PP that said DH maybe needs to leave the house when punishment happens until he starts to see the benefits from it and can stay strong might work. He obviously knows what he is doing is wrong because when you talk about it he agrees (my DH is the same) but it pulls at his heart too much to stand strong. See if he will agree to leave the room or the house or get to where he can't hear her crying ...

Good Luck. I am in similar shoes just with a younger kid ...

EXACTLY!!

I just cant decide if HE is the bigger problem or SHE is. Sounds like maybe he is. I keep thinking she is 9 and too old to act like this but then again, if it has always worked in the past, why not keep it up? She's a smart cookie and she knows how to get her way.

I just know we are not teaching her any skill sets that she will need in later life. The only thing she knows now is that if you dont get your way, cry and throw a fit and then you will. But that wont work when she gets a bad grade on a paper in college or when her future boss asks her to do something she doesnt want to do.

She has been tested as gifted so she IS smart. And she is in talented theater so she is a HUGE drama queen (she knows how to work it......). But I am afraid we are in the process of creating a monster.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

EXACTLY!!

I just cant decide if HE is the bigger problem or SHE is. Sounds like maybe he is. I keep thinking she is 9 and too old to act like this but then again, if it has always worked in the past, why not keep it up? She's a smart cookie and she knows how to get her way.

I just know we are not teaching her any skill sets that she will need in later life. The only thing she knows now is that if you dont get your way, cry and throw a fit and then you will. But that wont work when she gets a bad grade on a paper in college or when her future boss asks her to do something she doesnt want to do.

She has been tested as gifted so she IS smart. And she is in talented theater so she is a HUGE drama queen (she knows how to work it......). But I am afraid we are in the process of creating a monster.

I knew it. As a mom of 2 dd's (19 and 13), we expect our dd's to mature up. The dad's are more lenient of their dd's.

You are overthinking this. Quit thinking about "the future" and focus on strategies for a 9yo child.

Also at the same time you want her to "grow up" you are giving her "preschool" discipline. A change will be good in this area.

This is a perfect time to get together with your DH and say, this is not working.

I will have to say I use a lot of hugging with the girls. I found it very effective to calm my dd's and then talk to them, instead of using command discipline all the time.

If she is smart then she will pick up on it right away. When she starts the tantrum, you give her a hug and comfort her. OH yea....works really well. They want to try and engage and fight you but you turn the tables on them.

Let me tell you, I still use it. My 13yo dd has finally entered the "quit acting dumb" stage. A hug from mom shuts her up instantly.

In a twisted way, hugging can be a part of your strategy, since your dh uses it as well.

 

[SnowWhite607]

I knew it. As a mom of 2 dd's (19 and 13), we expect our dd's to mature up. The dad's are more lenient of their dd's.

You are overthinking this. Quit thinking about "the future" and focus on strategies for a 9yo child.

Also at the same time you want her to "grow up" you are giving her "preschool" discipline. A change will be good in this area.

This is a perfect time to get together with your DH and say, this is not working.

I will have to say I use a lot of hugging with the girls. I found it very effective to calm my dd's and then talk to them, instead of using command discipline all the time.

If she is smart then she will pick up on it right away. When she starts the tantrum, you give her a hug and comfort her. OH yea....works really well. They want to try and engage and fight you but you turn the tables on them.

Let me tell you, I still use it. My 13yo dd has finally entered the "quit acting dumb" stage. A hug from mom shuts her up instantly.

In a twisted way, hugging can be a part of your strategy, since your dh uses it as well.

I am not sure hugging would work with her. When she starts her fit throwing (I dont really know what to call it....tantruming??) and he hugs and coddles her, she cries louder and longer and its never ending.

 

[PollyannaMom]

a pp suggested counseling...do you think he would be willing to go? I feel for you, obviously you & DH have different parenting styles and I'm sure it didn't happen overnight. He needs to know that "United we stand Divided we fall" is the future for your marriage. Kids learn so fast how to play the good cop bad cop game....

I agree about the two different styles thing. If you think he'd see the counseling as too much, or as you just trying to get a professional to back you up, try just talking about it, especially if you get a chance when DD is not home. Be sure not to come off as lecturing, but ask him exactly where he thinks you're too harsh, and be willing to give in on one thing, if he'll go your way on something else (hopefully whatever your biggest things is). I think a lot of times, it's mostly only one thing that really bothers someone, but it spills over into other stuff, and then everything starts to grate.

Also, if you're a SAHM, and he sees less of DD, he may be feeling guilty for upsetting her when he is home, or just plain jealous of you. If he recognizes those feelings for what they are, he might be able to make clearer decisions, too.

Good luck!!

 

[RitaZ.]

You said that your DH is a teacher, right? Do a search on the effects and outcomes of inconsistent parenting style. Inconsistent parenting is worse on a child than not disciplining them at all. Maybe reading about it will make it click for your DH.

Parents do divorce over problems like this. As another poster said, divorce will only remove your husband from your immediate presence; nothing else. This can be fixed if he sees that his parenting style is not effective and the effects this will have on your daughter and your lives in the near future. How is he going to handle a young woman in her teens when she doesn't get her way?

You can get over this. You have to be in agreement when it comes to disciplining your DD. Good luck.

 

[tink20]

They learn quick which parent is the "yes man" This is what I call my DH. He either says "yes" or go ask your mother. He goes along with me 99% of the time, and if he disagrees, then we discuss that in private.

My DD has a friend, who has gotten everything she has ever wanted from her dad. And now at 16, is being told "no" on different things(like going out with a 19 year old boy)....well she isnt used to that, so she has been sneaking out of her wdw. for the past few months, going to this boy's house. She got caught, but her mom told me, she is really having a hard time with her, doing what she is told.

You have got to change things now, because it only gets harder the older they get. I think you and DH need to sit down and discuss things. Maybe parenting classes or family counseling would help. Good Luck!

 

[Robinrs]

I can see how you would be angry. It's no wonder she throws tantrums, it works really well for her. Dad rescues her from you as soon as she throws a fit.

I wish I had some good advice for you. Maybe family counseling would help?

Kids only do what they can get away with. Dad needs a good talking to. This child will grow up and that kind of behavior does NOT go away and without Daddy around she's only going to be an annoyance to everyone else.

 

[golfgal]

EXACTLY!!

I just cant decide if HE is the bigger problem or SHE is. Sounds like maybe he is. I keep thinking she is 9 and too old to act like this but then again, if it has always worked in the past, why not keep it up? She's a smart cookie and she knows how to get her way.

I just know we are not teaching her any skill sets that she will need in later life. The only thing she knows now is that if you dont get your way, cry and throw a fit and then you will. But that wont work when she gets a bad grade on a paper in college or when her future boss asks her to do something she doesnt want to do.

She has been tested as gifted so she IS smart. And she is in talented theater so she is a HUGE drama queen (she knows how to work it......). But I am afraid we are in the process of creating a monster.

Oh, he is definitely the problem, even a drama queen at 9 should NOT be acting like this. This is 2 year old behavior from her and it is hard to blame her when she figured out which buttons to push very successfully. Your DH needs to wise up or lose out. You need to talk with him and put it in black and white, either he shapes up or he ships out.