I am so angry at DD

[lovetoscrap]

I am so mad I could cry. DD13 has been saving up her babysitting money for the last year and had it all in a purse in her room. She had over $100 and we are going shopping today. She opened her purse and most of the money was GONE!

I know I didn't take it, and I am sure DH didn't take it so there is only one person left. DD9 already had all of her money "put away" by me for taking it to school without permission so she shouldn't have any money in her room. I told her that I knew she had money and I wanted it all right now. She brought me $80! As she was handing it to me she said "I have been saving this since 1st Grade. . " I told her that I knew that wasn't true and her sister was missing some money and reminded her that lying to me was the worst thing she could do and I wanted the truth.

So she said "Well some is from *sister's* room and some is mine" I told her it was ALL going to her sister and she didn't even flinch. No doubt it is all her sisters. We had a talk about stealing and lying and I sent her to room cause I needed a time out. I am so angry with her I don't even know what to say or do.

I tend to keep cash in the house because I am on our pool board and sometimes help empty our vending machines and purchase products and I also sometimes get cash for pool rental money. All of that cash will now be going into the safe since I can't trust DD anymore. DD13 has been told to keep her money hidden and in a location her sister can't find or reach, or to give it to DH or I to keep safe.

The money has been returned to her sister, but there is still about $20 missing that may be in her room. We have been through her school and swim bag already. I hate that I have to do this. DD9 is always very good. I don't understand this at all. I am not even sure how to punish her. I am so angry I want to ground her all summer, but somehow I don't think that is the answer.

 

[Hedy]

When I was in my teens, I got cash stolen out of her wallet at my job. I still remember how angry I was, because whomever did it knew what went into making that money. I'm not a parent, but I thought I'd throw that out there.

 

[tink_n_pooh]

If I did that to my sibling my parents probably would have let my sibling decide on my punishment since it was him (I only have a brother) that I stole the money from. The punishment my brother probably would have chosen would, however, not be DIS board friendly

 

[agnes!]

First, I would make sure to tell DD9 that you're so upset that you're putting yourself in time-out because you don't trust what you might say or do. When you do talk to her, be deadly-calm, no crying/yelling. If she's Daddy's little girl, make sure he's part of this process. Same for him - no yelling...stick to the deadly-calm way of acting & speaking.

Some new rules for the house (and you might want to have a family-meeting about any changes)

ALL money gets locked up, not even change is left out on a dresser.

I would get a safe for your other daughter.

Your DD9's room gets STRIPPED, in the sense that EVERY stinkin' drawer is gone through, every purse & pocket is looked into. She has no access to ANY money, none of the money formerly known as "hers" is hers any more.

DD9 is grounded for a couple of weeks. Invited to a party? So sorry, can't go. Is on Facebook? Oops, account is cancelled. Likes to play webkinz? Too BAD, *everything* is gone. Loves the Wii? Sorry, she can't play on it for a loooooong while.

Whatever she LOVES (her Ipod, going to the pool, etc.) WHATEVER IT IS, is put in time-out. She can maybe earn the item or activity back however you see fit.

Make sure you hug her and tell her you love her but that you are terribly disappointed with what she did.

I'm so sorry, this must just feel terrible to have to deal with.

I also think you need to find out what she was going to spend the money on. Does she have a new friend who has more toys than she does? Has she been teased a lot at school about *anything* lately? And not to go overboard, but you-all might want to go to a family-counselor for a couple of sessions.

,
agnes!

 

[Serena]

I would have her do chores for the sister that she stole from. The full $100.00 worth. I would sit down and decide what chore was worth how much money, as long as it's done to your approval, not sister's. Come up with a reasonable time frame too and the consequences if not done like it should or not at all.

 

[agnes!]

I would have her do chores for the sister that she stole from. The full $100.00 worth. I would sit down and decide what chore was worth how much money, as long as it's done to your approval, not sister's. Come up with a reasonable time frame too and the consequences if not done like it should or not at all.

Ooooooooo, I like this one too.

agnes!

 

[Serena]

First, I would make sure to tell DD9 that you're so upset that you're putting yourself in time-out because you don't trust what you might say or do. When you do talk to her, be deadly-calm, no crying/yelling. If she's Daddy's little girl, make sure he's part of this process. Same for him - no yelling...stick to the deadly-calm way of acting & speaking.

Some new rules for the house (and you might want to have a family-meeting about any changes)

ALL money gets locked up, not even change is left out on a dresser.

I would get a safe for your other daughter.

Your DD9's room gets STRIPPED, in the sense that EVERY stinkin' drawer is gone through, every purse & pocket is looked into. She has no access to ANY money, none of the money formerly known as "hers" is hers any more.

DD9 is grounded for a couple of weeks. Invited to a party? So sorry, can't go. Is on Facebook? Oops, account is cancelled. Likes to play webkinz? Too BAD, *everything* is gone. Loves the Wii? Sorry, she can't play on it for a loooooong while.

Whatever she LOVES (her Ipod, going to the pool, etc.) WHATEVER IT IS, is put in time-out. She can maybe earn the item or activity back however you see fit.

Make sure you hug her and tell her you love her but that you are terribly disappointed with what she did.

I'm so sorry, this must just feel terrible to have to deal with.

I also think you need to find out what she was going to spend the money on. Does she have a new friend who has more toys than she does? Has she been teased a lot at school about *anything* lately? And not to go overboard, but you-all might want to go to a family-counselor for a couple of sessions.

,
agnes!

Ohh, this is good.

 

[Serena]

Ooooooooo, I like this one too.

agnes!

thanks

 

[Jennasis]

Personally, IMO this needs to be nipped BIG TIME. Time for the room to be stripped of all but the bed, and a desk for school work. Books/toys/games etc...all gone. I'd take the door off the hinges too.

Swim bag? So she swims...not anymore. Looks like a long boring summer of chores and grounding. She not only stole, but she lied.

Think this is harsh? When you steal...you go to prison...and prison is harsh. Let her feel it.

 

[M5ward]

First, I would make sure to tell DD9 that you're so upset that you're putting yourself in time-out because you don't trust what you might say or do. When you do talk to her, be deadly-calm, no crying/yelling. If she's Daddy's little girl, make sure he's part of this process. Same for him - no yelling...stick to the deadly-calm way of acting & speaking.

Some new rules for the house (and you might want to have a family-meeting about any changes)

ALL money gets locked up, not even change is left out on a dresser.

I would get a safe for your other daughter.

Your DD9's room gets STRIPPED, in the sense that EVERY stinkin' drawer is gone through, every purse & pocket is looked into. She has no access to ANY money, none of the money formerly known as "hers" is hers any more.

DD9 is grounded for a couple of weeks. Invited to a party? So sorry, can't go. Is on Facebook? Oops, account is cancelled. Likes to play webkinz? Too BAD, *everything* is gone. Loves the Wii? Sorry, she can't play on it for a loooooong while.

Whatever she LOVES (her Ipod, going to the pool, etc.) WHATEVER IT IS, is put in time-out. She can maybe earn the item or activity back however you see fit.

Make sure you hug her and tell her you love her but that you are terribly disappointed with what she did.

I'm so sorry, this must just feel terrible to have to deal with.

I also think you need to find out what she was going to spend the money on. Does she have a new friend who has more toys than she does? Has she been teased a lot at school about *anything* lately? And not to go overboard, but you-all might want to go to a family-counselor for a couple of sessions.

,
agnes!

Every suggestion in this post is good...especially the hug and "I love you" part. Your daughter needs to understand that every action has a consequence. Helping her develop a sense of responsibility and accountability will be among the greatest gifts you give her.

 

[RadioNate]

The next door neighbor girl (who is also 9) did the exact same thing over spring break to my son. Our families are close and while she was here she noticed $40 in his closet and ended up taking it. She can't really explain why she did it other than she didn't have any money and wanted some.

Her parents were devastated.

My son noticed right away and we did get it back almost immediately. The poor girl lost everything for a month before she started to earn everything back. Now 2.5 months later she has just about earned everything back.

She has been working for her parents and for me. It was her parents idea to have her do one of DS's chores. His choice. He picked scooping the cat box so she has been her daily to do that. They go on summer vacation this week so I think this is the last week.

They came down on her REALLY REALLY hard but I think she learned her lesson.

It may sound a bit cruel but she also had to tell people what she did. "Experts" say shame is lost in today's children so they did some of that. When her Grandmother invited her to the movies she had to tell her WHY she couldn't go. They also made her go to confession.

I also think you need to find out what she was going to spend the money on. Does she have a new friend who has more toys than she does? Has she been teased a lot at school about *anything* lately? And not to go overboard, but you-all might want to go to a family-counselor for a couple of sessions.

I also wanted to add after reading this that I believe that there was an underlying issue happening with the neighbor girl. Her family has been hit much harder than ours in the recession. Their family income has been dropped at least 25% and I wouldn't be surprised if it isn't more than that. At the time of the incident her mom was very stressed about money and talked A LOT about how they were barely getting by. As such, the DD was on a tight budget. There we NO extras for anything. In a split second I think she just made a bad choice (and my DS was stupid for leaving 2 $20's on his closet floor!)

 

[MinnieMe87]

First, I would make sure to tell DD9 that you're so upset that you're putting yourself in time-out because you don't trust what you might say or do. When you do talk to her, be deadly-calm, no crying/yelling. If she's Daddy's little girl, make sure he's part of this process. Same for him - no yelling...stick to the deadly-calm way of acting & speaking.

Some new rules for the house (and you might want to have a family-meeting about any changes)

ALL money gets locked up, not even change is left out on a dresser.

I would get a safe for your other daughter.

Your DD9's room gets STRIPPED, in the sense that EVERY stinkin' drawer is gone through, every purse & pocket is looked into. She has no access to ANY money, none of the money formerly known as "hers" is hers any more.

DD9 is grounded for a couple of weeks. Invited to a party? So sorry, can't go. Is on Facebook? Oops, account is cancelled. Likes to play webkinz? Too BAD, *everything* is gone. Loves the Wii? Sorry, she can't play on it for a loooooong while.

Whatever she LOVES (her Ipod, going to the pool, etc.) WHATEVER IT IS, is put in time-out. She can maybe earn the item or activity back however you see fit.

Make sure you hug her and tell her you love her but that you are terribly disappointed with what she did.

I'm so sorry, this must just feel terrible to have to deal with.

I also think you need to find out what she was going to spend the money on. Does she have a new friend who has more toys than she does? Has she been teased a lot at school about *anything* lately? And not to go overboard, but you-all might want to go to a family-counselor for a couple of sessions.

,
agnes!

I would have her do chores for the sister that she stole from. The full $100.00 worth. I would sit down and decide what chore was worth how much money, as long as it's done to your approval, not sister's. Come up with a reasonable time frame too and the consequences if not done like it should or not at all.

I agree with both of these posts!

 

[Val]

All of these ideas are terrific...and remember, as hard it is to do, you will punish her BECAUSE you love her. Think of all the "bad" adults who's parents 'didn't love them enough' to hand out such a punishment?!? If you nip this now, she will grow up, remember this always, never do it again, and have a great life....she is 9 and not a little criminal. However, her behavior stinks and this is a serious, serious offense. I really like the suggestions of distinguishing between her BEHAVIOR and her as a person. Good people can behave badly- and if they behave too badly too often they get more used to being bad than being good!

Good luck, hugs and pixie dust! As a mom to 4 (21 to 11) I have been in a similar position- and so far they are doing okay......(and this is about the time you reflect back on your childhood and think 'did I deserve THIS much payback? Nope, must be from DH's side!).

 

[happygirl]

If you really wanna scare her call the cops and see if the can come by and scare her a little.

 

[kirbsam]

love the going to confession part. i have dealt with my girls with groundings. and the worst thing i ever did, was called off a party including my family and her friends and she had to call all the people invited and tell them why the party was off. lesson learned after the first call i dare to say.

 

[MrsPete]

WHY did she steal the money? Did she want to buy something specific? Did she just want some money and feel she had no way to get it? Is she taking other things?

I think the WHY plays into HOW you should proceed.

This wasn't a well-thought-out plan. She should've known that you knew she didn't have $80. She couldn't have spent the money without you asking, "Hey, where'd that come from?"

Whatever you decide to do, it needs to be harsh. This is very serious, and if she'd done it at school, she'd really be in some trouble. You must do something that'll leave an impression on her.

I like the idea of buying the older daughter a small safe. You have responsibilities in two directionso right now: You have to protect the older daughter from her sister's bad choices, AND you have to help the younger daughter learn that this isn't acceptable behavior.

Good luck.

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm a firm believer in the punishment needing to fit the crime and Serena's idea is perfect! The 13 year old had to work for that money, so the 9 year old should have to work it off as punishment.

You can all flog me now, but I went through a phase where I stole money from my parents and/or sister and I turned out to be a good, moral, law-abiding citizen.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am not a parent, but I agree that there has to be serious consequences and a sense of shame.

Consequences so that the 9 year old learns that actions have consequences and shame because, quite frankly, shame is a good thing in an episode like this.

I remember the worst thing in the world was disappointing my parents.

 

[pixie921]

If you really wanna scare her call the cops and see if the can come by and scare her a little.

I think that's waaaay over the top. The police probably wouldn't appreciate being called into a family situation to do what the OP and her dh are more than capable of doing: parenting their child.

I think Serena and agnes! have given great advice.

 

[OhMari]

I think you got some great advice.
Kids are not perfect and the best of them can make mistakes.
I live in a small town and we had a corner grocery store.
I remember my sister convinced me to steal tootsie rolls.
I had to be around 7, because we moved when we were 8.
Anyways, my mom marched us right back down to the store and we had to tell the store owner we stole and then we had to pay.
I remember going to confession too.
We were suppose to get spankings, but my dad couldn't do it, because we put dish towels in our pants. This was the middle 60's when parents gave spankings--I don't think I ever got a spanking-my mom knew about "time outs", which meant we had to sit in our bedrooms on nice summer days.

Have a better day.