I am so angry at DD

[dairyou]

We have money laying around all the time at my house. It's summer and the boys are home and I know I have 50.00 laying on the counter. It's strange but my boys now 16 and 18 never stole money. Now, I on the other hand did take money from my mom. I took quarters when I was younger then dollars as a teen. I was sneaky and my parents were very strick.

OP you've had some great suggestions and since we're all different I'm sure you'll do what works for your family


Deb

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I look at the situation with the older DD this way: not so much like the victim deserves what she gets if she wears a short skirt, but rather, what if you had an alcoholic family member living in your house, who might just be starting out on the road to recovery. Would you continue to keep alcohol in your house -- unmonitored -- or would you not bring it in, or keep it locked up for a while until said family member was on a better footing? I think in that instance, if you were to keep alcohol in your house unmonitored, you too should share some of the responsibility that would come from that family member drinking again. I'm NOT saying OP's daughter has an addiction or a problem with stealing, but rather if her older DD keeps her money locked up and out of sight, it might not provide her younger DD with the opportunity to be so easily tempted to fall off the wagon again, KWIM? Well, I hope you KWIM, 'cause it makes complete sense in my head.

 

[lovetoscrap]

but rather if her older DD keeps her money locked up and out of sight, it might not provide her younger DD with the opportunity to be so easily tempted to fall off the wagon again, KWIM? Well, I hope you KWIM, 'cause it makes complete sense in my head.

And a much better analogy than the ones I was thinking of.


Here is the update/wrap up of the situation. DH and I had talked last night. I made a list of DD's punishment and presented it to her a little while ago when she got home from school. I am totally calm today and rational.

Part of making these decisions is also knowing your child. DD9 is really an angel most of the time. Very kind and loving and good natured. And generally very well behaved. She has her moments but she also knows right from wrong. Yesterday I wanted to ground her for a month and take away all she owns and lots of other things that would have been inappropriate for her and who she is. I was livid and just reacting.

Here is her punishment: One week completely grounded. No friends, no phone, no computer, no fun swimming etc... One month of extra chores including doing her sister's laundry, and lots of icky chores from me. And the one that hurt the most? One month of NO SNACKS at the pool--that is where she gets ice cream and buys it with her own money. She will not get access to any of her own money for a month.

We had a long talk. She did tell me why she did it (jealous because sister keeps bragging and waving the money in front of her). We talked about how much trouble stealing can get you into when you are older (getting arrested), and how much she hurt her sister and me by breaking our trust. I also told her that if it happens again I will let her sister choose her punishment--that scared the bejeepers out of her! She has written her sister an apology letter and they have made up. DD13 is aware of the punisment and thinks that is very fair and is looking forward to not having to hang and fold her laundry for a month!

As I said, this is really my easy child. She is extremely remorseful and understands this was wrong and accepts her punishment. There were quite a bit of tears, but they were because she upset me and disappointed me and her sister. I really think that she probably won't even steal a french fry off of her sister's plate after this!

Thank you for talking off the ledge of anger yesterday. I really does help to talk about to a neutral audience and not rush to make decisions in the heat of the emotion.

 

[aprilgail2]

And a much better analogy than the ones I was thinking of.


Here is the update/wrap up of the situation. DH and I had talked last night. I made a list of DD's punishment and presented it to her a little while ago when she got home from school. I am totally calm today and rational.

Part of making these decisions is also knowing your child. DD9 is really an angel most of the time. Very kind and loving and good natured. And generally very well behaved. She has her moments but she also knows right from wrong. Yesterday I wanted to ground her for a month and take away all she owns and lots of other things that would have been inappropriate for her and who she is. I was livid and just reacting.

Here is her punishment: One week completely grounded. No friends, no phone, no computer, no fun swimming etc... One month of extra chores including doing her sister's laundry, and lots of icky chores from me. And the one that hurt the most? One month of NO SNACKS at the pool--that is where she gets ice cream and buys it with her own money. She will not get access to any of her own money for a month.

We had a long talk. She did tell me why she did it (jealous because sister keeps bragging and waving the money in front of her). We talked about how much trouble stealing can get you into when you are older (getting arrested), and how much she hurt her sister and me by breaking our trust. I also told her that if it happens again I will let her sister choose her punishment--that scared the bejeepers out of her! She has written her sister an apology letter and they have made up. DD13 is aware of the punisment and thinks that is very fair and is looking forward to not having to hang and fold her laundry for a month!

As I said, this is really my easy child. She is extremely remorseful and understands this was wrong and accepts her punishment. There were quite a bit of tears, but they were because she upset me and disappointed me and her sister. I really think that she probably won't even steal a french fry off of her sister's plate after this!

Thank you for talking off the ledge of anger yesterday. I really does help to talk about to a neutral audience and not rush to make decisions in the heat of the emotion.

Even with all that I would still ban her from stepping foot in the older daughters room unless the older daughter was there and INVITES her in!!

 

[a1tinkfans]

OP:


I am glad that you worked out what you think will work for your family!
Best of Luck...its not easy being a parent

 

[jlima]

She did tell me why she did it (jealous because sister keeps bragging and waving the money in front of her).

Good solution; but did you tell your older DD to knock it off?

 

[Serena]

Sounds like a good plan to me.

My youngest was/is almost an angel too. It's really hard figuring out what to do when they do misbehave and it seems to hurt so much more.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Hi,

I don't have kids. There I said it.

We've been discussing adoption so I've been reading the parenting threads to get a general idea of how things are nowadays.

I don't understand why you need to hide your anger from the child that stole money. Everyone seems to be in agreement that the mom should have (and she did) calm down first before talking with the errant child.

Wouldn't it be a good idea to let the child know how angry her actions made the mom? By being calm and loving with the hugs, isn't that reinforcing bad behavior?

Or, is the reason a possible lack of control or that mom would lose her temper in front of the child?

Thanks for explaining!

 

[lovetoscrap]

Even with all that I would still ban her from stepping foot in the older daughters room unless the older daughter was there and INVITES her in!!

That is already the rule. In this situation is sort of the misdemeanor among all the felonies.

Good solution; but did you tell your older DD to knock it off?

Absolutely! Which started the 4 page controversy!

Hi,

I don't have kids. There I said it.

We've been discussing adoption so I've been reading the parenting threads to get a general idea of how things are nowadays.

I don't understand why you need to hide your anger from the child that stole money. Everyone seems to be in agreement that the mom should have (and she did) calm down first before talking with the errant child.

Wouldn't it be a good idea to let the child know how angry her actions made the mom? By being calm and loving with the hugs, isn't that reinforcing bad behavior?

Or, is the reason a possible lack of control or that mom would lose her temper in front of the child?

Thanks for explaining!

In this situation I was so angry that I would have said things that I didn't mean and would have regretted. Most likely I would have blurted out that she was grounded for 3 months, and that I was taking all of HER money away forever and if I ever caught her stealing again I would be calling the police and they would put her in jail for a year etc... I was beyond angry.

Yes, my kids see me angry. I yell at them all the time-- I am a loud over the top kind of person. They leave their socks on the floor and I scream. One hits the other and I yell and send her to her room until dinner time. Sort of the normal, everyday parenting stuff that is "easy"-- if it is ever easy. But when you are so mad that you can feel your blood boiling and really you want to grab them and beat them black and blue then it is time to step back and get calm. Either remove yourself or them from the situation. In this case it required me waiting a day to give out the punishment. Believe me, that was pretty bad on her! Not knowing what it would be and having to wait is torture for a kid. And she knew that I was in a bad mood and mad the entire day yesterday.

But I dont want to say things I will regret. I don't want to hand out unrealisitc or unfair punishment that would escalate her anger and defensiveness. And I completely belive in following through with what you say, so I don't want to make threats that I would never follow through with.

And it is also knowing your child and their personalities. With my oldest I can yell and scream and she just shrugs it off. My youngest gets extremely disturbed by yelling and screaming and "mad voice". She just gets more and more scared and tunes it out. If I had yelled and screamed at her she probably would have lied more and really been quite scared and defensive by my acting that way. By waiting until I was calm and could talk to her nicely I was able to get the entire truth of the situation from her. I was able to really talk to her and make sure she understood what she did and why it was wrong and why it can't happen again.

It can be a fine balancing act.

ETA: And I do believe in reminding them that I am mad at what they DID and that I still love them. Sometimes it is hours later before I give them a hug and say I love you, but I do want them to know I am mad at their actions, but that doesn't change my love for them.

 

[MushyMushy]

Hi,

I don't have kids. There I said it.

We've been discussing adoption so I've been reading the parenting threads to get a general idea of how things are nowadays.

I don't understand why you need to hide your anger from the child that stole money. Everyone seems to be in agreement that the mom should have (and she did) calm down first before talking with the errant child.

Wouldn't it be a good idea to let the child know how angry her actions made the mom? By being calm and loving with the hugs, isn't that reinforcing bad behavior?

Or, is the reason a possible lack of control or that mom would lose her temper in front of the child?

Thanks for explaining!

I know for me, and for a lot of parents, you want to calm down and think of the appropriate discussion and punishment in your head before having this discussion. It's okay for them to see you angry, but if you lash out in anger, you might end up doling out a completely irrational and/or impossible to stick with punishment! OP said she thought about grounding her for a month and taking everything away. That would be so hard to stick with!

My kids have seen me plenty angry. But I normally *tried* to hold off on punishment and discussion until I calmed down.