I am so angry at DD

[scottishduffy]

I think that's waaaay over the top. The police probably wouldn't appreciate being called into a family situation to do what the OP and her dh are more than capable of doing: parenting their child.

I think Serena and agnes! have given great advice.

I agree with this poster, calling the cops would not be good. If nothing else when you bring cops into the situation, you undermine your authority as a parent.

You as the parent should have enough authority in your own home to appropriately punish and deal with your kids. You child should know, and be slightly afraid of, the consequences from Mom and Dad, not the police. If you pawn off your authority to some other entity the children will not respect you.

I agree with the posters who talked about having the child work the money off, stripping the room due to lack of trust. and having the child admit to others WHY she was punished. It will be so very hard but worth it.

 

[babytrees]

I had this happen from my sister....but I was never able to tell my mom for sure how much it was because I got paid in tip money and unless I counted it right away I had no way of knowing how much there was. (I worked 3/4 nights a summer for them....thankfully by the time I spent a summer going between two families (about $200 a month) she had outgrown it.

I don't remember what my mom did for her punishment....just that it didn't seem like enough.

 

[Serena]

I agree with not calling the police. They have better things to do. And that is a personal pet peeve of mine. My ex-sil would threaten her kids with the police or me. Yeah, nice.

 

[disbridemimi]

First, I would make sure to tell DD9 that you're so upset that you're putting yourself in time-out because you don't trust what you might say or do. When you do talk to her, be deadly-calm, no crying/yelling. If she's Daddy's little girl, make sure he's part of this process. Same for him - no yelling...stick to the deadly-calm way of acting & speaking.

Some new rules for the house (and you might want to have a family-meeting about any changes)

ALL money gets locked up, not even change is left out on a dresser.

I would get a safe for your other daughter.

Your DD9's room gets STRIPPED, in the sense that EVERY stinkin' drawer is gone through, every purse & pocket is looked into. She has no access to ANY money, none of the money formerly known as "hers" is hers any more.

DD9 is grounded for a couple of weeks. Invited to a party? So sorry, can't go. Is on Facebook? Oops, account is cancelled. Likes to play webkinz? Too BAD, *everything* is gone. Loves the Wii? Sorry, she can't play on it for a loooooong while.

Whatever she LOVES (her Ipod, going to the pool, etc.) WHATEVER IT IS, is put in time-out. She can maybe earn the item or activity back however you see fit.

Make sure you hug her and tell her you love her but that you are terribly disappointed with what she did.

I'm so sorry, this must just feel terrible to have to deal with.

I also think you need to find out what she was going to spend the money on. Does she have a new friend who has more toys than she does? Has she been teased a lot at school about *anything* lately? And not to go overboard, but you-all might want to go to a family-counselor for a couple of sessions.

,
agnes!

I agree with this poster 100% , and get your daughter her own safe. I had a sister just like this and it went on for years. I still do not allow her in my house. We had a grandmothers wedding ring disappear too, and that is one of those things that cannot be replaced. When your young, you do not know the value of such things. Lock everything up and make her earn the trust back, however long it takes. This needs to be a FIRM hard lesson for her to learn.

 

[happygirl]

I agree with not calling the police. They have better things to do. And that is a personal pet peeve of mine. My ex-sil would threaten her kids with the police or me. Yeah, nice.

I strongly disagree. What this girl did was a crime plain and simple I don't think she should be arrested but I think if the police did talk to her it might scare her I don't think she would ever do it again.

 

[lovetoscrap]

First, I would make sure to tell DD9 that you're so upset that you're putting yourself in time-out because you don't trust what you might say or do. When you do talk to her, be deadly-calm, no crying/yelling. If she's Daddy's little girl, make sure he's part of this process. Same for him - no yelling...stick to the deadly-calm way of acting & speaking.

Some new rules for the house (and you might want to have a family-meeting about any changes)

ALL money gets locked up, not even change is left out on a dresser.

I would get a safe for your other daughter.

Your DD9's room gets STRIPPED, in the sense that EVERY stinkin' drawer is gone through, every purse & pocket is looked into. She has no access to ANY money, none of the money formerly known as "hers" is hers any more.

DD9 is grounded for a couple of weeks. Invited to a party? So sorry, can't go. Is on Facebook? Oops, account is cancelled. Likes to play webkinz? Too BAD, *everything* is gone. Loves the Wii? Sorry, she can't play on it for a loooooong while.

Whatever she LOVES (her Ipod, going to the pool, etc.) WHATEVER IT IS, is put in time-out. She can maybe earn the item or activity back however you see fit.

Make sure you hug her and tell her you love her but that you are terribly disappointed with what she did.

I'm so sorry, this must just feel terrible to have to deal with.

I also think you need to find out what she was going to spend the money on. Does she have a new friend who has more toys than she does? Has she been teased a lot at school about *anything* lately? And not to go overboard, but you-all might want to go to a family-counselor for a couple of sessions.

,
agnes!

I would have her do chores for the sister that she stole from. The full $100.00 worth. I would sit down and decide what chore was worth how much money, as long as it's done to your approval, not sister's. Come up with a reasonable time frame too and the consequences if not done like it should or not at all.

I am certainly much calmer now. Down to just terribly disappointed. We had plans to go shopping since DD13 and DH needed clothes. I probably would have bought DD9 a little something, like a new shirt, but she didn't get anything and we didn't even go look at things in her size.

All the above were my first thoughts. I am a pretty tough no nonsense parent. I was concerned that I was so angry I might be going overboard in my anger. I wouldn't call the police. We did talk about how stealing can get you arrested and put in jail in the future.

She swims on a swim team so that is a commitment we won't ground her from, but school is out this week so fun swimming would usually start tomorrow. Since her sister can go to the pool by herself I think we will have a week or two of no fun swimming and no friends--completely grounded from everything. She can spend the time HELPING me to strip her room and doing some bathroom cleaning and other icky chores. DD13 hates doing laundry (each child does their own) so I think DD9 will be folding and hanging all of her sister's laundy for the next month as well as some other chores DD13 usually does like taking out the trash.

I am not really sure why she would take her sister's money. I have her money in a safe place but she is able to have it if she asks for it. I just took it because she took almost $50 to school in her bag one day and the teacher had a cow! She can't spend it without my knowing--not like she can drive to the store! The only thing she has bought lately was snacks from the pool after practice and I wondered where she got the $5 but she said it was just some she found left in her room. There will be NO MORE snacks. I make them use their own money to buy them and she will get no money for at least a month.

DD13 has been lectured on making sure she puts her money away (she is careless with it often) and keeping it hidden and where her sister can't find it/reach it. I did tell her that if her money disappears again then I will consider it her fault. She has plenty of options to safeguard it--including giving it to me to hold. Since she knows now that her sister may take it I don't want to find it lying around on her bed like she often does!

DH and I will talk tonight after they are asleep and make the final punishement agreement

 

[MM27]

If the money is going to stay in the house your older daughter might want to invest in one of those lock boxes. You can get them fairly cheap. This way the money would be under lock and key.

I agree with the working off the debt punishment.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Wow. The kid is nine right? Not nineteen?

Yes, she should return the money. Yes, she should do her sister's chores (perhaps to represent the amount she took) and yes, she should be restricted from fun events for a period of time, but sheesh. She really is just a kid.

She very well may not have any reason other than "it was there." It's not a sophisticated reason, and she has learned that it's not acceptable to take anything that isn't hers just because it was there but I don't think you have a mini Dillinger on your hands, you know?

Angry with her? Sure, who wouldn't be but she's got to have room to make huge mistakes without being driven into the ground and humiliated beyond what she can tolerate. If she doesn't come away from this realizing that her parents are fair, while being stern she's only going to come away from it believing that she can't trust her parents. That will be far worse and have far more reaching consequences than swiping some of her sister's money.

Oh, and big sister shouldn't be held responsible in any way for little sister's sticky fingers. Anyone should be able to leave anything at all laying around their home without fear of it being stolen by a family member.

I would make sure money was laying around so that she realized that no matter how much is where, she can't have it unless it's hers or she asks. (The nine year old, I mean).

Harshness is nothing unless it is tempered with fairness and logic. The world will be unforgiving of her errors soon enough. Don't let that lesson start with her parents or her home life.

 

[SomePixiedust]

Oh, and big sister shouldn't be held responsible in any way for little sister's sticky fingers. Anyone should be able to leave anything at all laying around their home without fear of it being stolen by a family member.

....I agree

 

[aprilgail2]

Oh, and big sister shouldn't be held responsible in any way for little sister's sticky fingers. Anyone should be able to leave anything at all laying around their home without fear of it being stolen by a family member.

.

I agree! The older sister should be able to leave whatever she wants out in the open in her room. I think perhaps the younger sister should be banned from stepping foot into the older sisters room until she can keep her hands off of other peoples property!!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with a lot of the comments so far!

I just wanted to say that, while one should not have to lock away every personal belonging in their own home.... I THINK IT IS A GOOD LESSON FOR ANYBODY TO LEARN THAT YOU SIMPLY DO NOT LEAVE CASH MONEY LAYING AROUND.

My son(11) had received $100.00 in birthday money. We had allowed him to keep it very temporarily, and he had put it away in his room until we could get to the bank. Next thing I know, a couple of neighbor kids are over, and DS (who of course, simply wasn't thinking and didn't know better) was flashing his $100.00.

That money went safely into my husband's pocket, and the two boys went home after hearing us admonish DS and take the money from him for safekeeping.

It is NEVER a good idea to leave things like cash money visibly open. Hey, but it is my my room, my locker, my bookbag, my college dorm-room..... etc.... etc.... Like nothing ever gets taken from these places....

I would make sure that the older DD had some kind of good sized lockbox, and put it to good use. It is never to early to teach one that it is just not a good idea to leave cash money (and other items) laying around in the wide open.

 

[flying_babyb]

Wow, Older sister should not be held responsible even if she leaves her money out in HER room. Does older sister have privacy? I am just wondering since little sister was in her room alone long enough to steal money! I lived in a mulitiple child household for awile and the rule was if they were ever in my room without my permission they got grounded.

 

[Serena]

I strongly disagree. What this girl did was a crime plain and simple I don't think she should be arrested but I think if the police did talk to her it might scare her I don't think she would ever do it again.

I have to disagree again, she is 9, not 15. I think the parents can handle it. As long as they in fact do handle it, and it sounds like they will.


I agree with the ones that says older sister should not be held accountable if little sister takes it again.

 

[lovetoscrap]

DD13 has a habit of just throwing her money on the floor or leaving it on her bed. She probably wouldn't have had any idea it was missing if she hadn't cleaned her room recently and rounded it all up and counted it. But she also tends to "flaunt" it. She needs to learn to take better care of her stuff. But knowing that her sister could take her money, if she continues to be careless with her money then that IS her problem. If I leave my pool cash lying on the table and DD takes some of it, then that is MY fault. If I leave my purse on the seat of my car and my car is broken into at the store and my purse stolen, then who is the idiot? Not to say that DD9 won't get in trouble, but I am an idiot if I leave it where she can get it. If DD13 loses her money again to her sister then DD9 will get in trouble, but so will DD13. Most likely she will lose all control over her money and will be required to let me hold on to it. And DD 13 understood what I meant when I told her it would be her fault next time.

As I have said, I am fairly strict and no nonsense when it comes to discipline. I really don't think that DD9 will be growing up to be a thief, but I also think it is our job as parents to make sure this ends NOW. DD is a great kid and I think a few weeks of chores and grounding will really make an impression on her.

 

[Serena]

Lol, my girls know I'm a pushover. However, taking things that don't belong to you, damaging anything that you shouldn't, or hurting people or animals, physically or otherwise are my main points. They already know and it's not really an issue. Now, chores and bedtimes are another matter.

 

[mommasita]

I wanted to offer a hug here for you . I felt how much it hurt you, and as I think you are on the right track, and received some great advice...

 

[pixie921]

I strongly disagree. What this girl did was a crime plain and simple I don't think she should be arrested but I think if the police did talk to her it might scare her I don't think she would ever do it again.

Respectfully, according to your signature, your children are still young. Is that how you plan to handle disputes between them as they get older? If your son hits your daughter, are you going to say that is battery, "a crime, plain and simple" (because technically, it is, right?). Are you going to be calling the cops to "scare" him? Or are you going to be a parent and just handle it, as the OP plans to handle the discipline with her daughter?

Just something to think about.

 

[jlima]

I'd take the door off the hinges too.

GREAT idea!

ITA with almost every PP. This behavior needs to be shut down NOW.

 

[Annie68]

You can all flog me now, but I went through a phase where I stole money from my parents and/or sister and I turned out to be a good, moral, law-abiding citizen.

I took a calculator from a classmate in third grade. I remember being jealous of it & spur of the moment, I pocketed it. I hid it in my desk . The teacher called my parents for a meeting & I had to apologize to the girl. I think the worst part was everyone finding out . I never took anything again!

 

[XTinabell]

Kids do strange things for no reason. When I was younger I had the same markers as another girl in class, I decided it would be fun to tell her that my markers were actually stolen from her desk (they weren't). After we both got in trouble and ended up in tears I didn't do crap like that again.

Op I think you're on the right track, but I do agree with others that say the older daughter should not be punished for having her money stolen. It was in her room, that should be safe enough from family members. I think you need to focus more on the lying of the younger daughter, lying is a very bad habit to get into.