I am just so dissapointed right now :(

[dzorn]

Yep I'd be going without DH and he would insist on it. If something came up he would want me to enjoy myself as opposed to loosing the money. Your DH is the one beind selfish.

Denise in MI

 

[southern_belle21]

Monica, did you lose the money that was already invested in your paid vacation? Or were you able to talk to someone about transferring the date to another time?

I hope it wasn't a loss!

If the DVC member is unable to re-rent the points, then yes, we will have lost the money. The points run out at the end of next month (Sept. 2010), which we BOTH knew when we paid for it.

Hi OP,
I've been lurking and I do feel for you. Looking back, it took a few years for my DH to realize that his family was meddling too much and we had to gradually put an end to their requests. He has only brothers and I swear he just never saw the subtle manipulations his mother and SIL were doing.

What gets me here is that you have to give up your trip while your SIL is having a second baby shower. Am I reading that wrong. If I'm not, you should be throwing that back in the in-laws' faces.

No, you're reading correctly. This is her second. They know already, but no one is saying anything. I probably will bring it up, but just casually.

Is there any possibility at all that the shower is actually an anniversary party and you'll be leaving for Disney a day or two later?

Bwahahahahahahaha....yeah I wish. Trust me. This is NOT the case. Nice thought though

That would be nice, but it doesn't sound likely. The in-laws just don't seem warm and fuzzy. From what was posted, they seem to be all about, "What can you do for me?", no interest in the OP. The baby shower was planned for a long time and it will probably proceed as planned.

It is a nice thought.

Not saying I'm "right". I wish I am wrong.

Yes, it was a nice thought. You are right. It will. And I'm seriously thinking about being so nice about things, that they won't know what to do.

As far as your in-laws attitudes towards you missing the trip, etc....have they ever really been warm and fuzzy? If not, they aren't going to suddenly start. We can't expect a horse to moo.

 

[horseshowmom]

And I'm seriously thinking about being so nice about things, that they won't know what to do.

This is being passively aggressive, and I can promise you that it won't work. It's just going to frustrate you. It doesn't seem that they are particularly concerned about how you feel about it (based on the fact that MiL didn't even comment on the trip when she requested your help). It sounds like at this point MiL is getting what she wants and that's as far as it goes as far as she's concerned.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying you should throw a tantrum or pout. That's counterproductive and not terribly mature. I just don't think you should go to the other extreme either.

 

[rie'smom]

The only way these people, including your husband, can take advantage of you is if you allow it. The more they abuse you, the more they will take advantage of it. If you can live with this, then do nothing. The original post was about a WDW trip and if this is the only instance, it's bad enough but I think it must be more pervasive.
I'd think long and hard about the relationship. Think about being 70 and looking back on your life if things remain as they are today. Would you look back on happiness and fulfillment or frustration and bitterness? It seems like yesterday that I was in my 20s. I'm 52 and it takes my breath away when I realize how quickly the years have flown. Make your years count.

 

[bettyann29]

Oh let me just say. I did think of doing this. I was so upset that we were going to have to give up the perfectly paid for reservations at AKV and all the dining ADRs that I've stressed out making, that I brought up the idea of me going with down there with a friend, and he was furious that I even brought that idea up! I was thinking, "well better than just throwing it all away" I could make use of it. He said I was so selfish for thinking this. That it was supposed to be our special trip. Yeah. It was. Apparently I am just crazy.

sorry to say it, but I think he is selfish for doing what he has done without taking into account everything.. it doesnt sound like its due to finances and as you have mentioned this was planned out way in advance...

if it was due to finances or something like that I would understand, but to me he is the one being selfish.. sorry thats my opinion..

 

[mumom95]

This is being passively aggressive, and I can promise you that it won't work. It's just going to frustrate you. It doesn't seem that they are particularly concerned about how you feel about it (based on the fact that MiL didn't even comment on the trip when she requested your help). It sounds like at this point MiL is getting what she wants and that's as far as it goes as far as she's concerned.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying you should throw a tantrum or pout. That's counterproductive and not terribly mature. I just don't think you should go to the other extreme either.

I have to agree with this. I don't think being passive agressive is going to work. All they probably care about is getting what they want and if you are really nice about it then they are getting what they want without any problem.

You don't have to be nasty, but if it was me I would make sure people knew I wasn't happy about what was going on.

Here's how I would handle it. Next time MIL wants to talk about the baby shower I'd say "Look, I will help with the baby shower but don't expect me to be happy about it. My 10 year anniversary plans had to be cancelled because not only do you need dh to help build your home but also because OUR vacation money had to go towards bailing YOUR company out. This is a major sacrafice that I am willing to make because I love dh and he feels the need to be here to help his family, but what I won't do is allow everyone else to expect me to be happy about it when I'm not."

I have a MIL who, if given the chance, can be very controlling. I used to let her until I just couldn't take it anymore and I eventually exploded. Then things got really bad, we had absolutely no contact with them for a while. We are working things out now and I have to say she is being wonderful. But that has a lot to do with the fact that I have made it very well known that dh and I are in control of our family and that we will no longer put up with any form of trying to guilt us into things. I'm not saying that we won't sacrafice for them at times, but it will be our decision to sacrafice, not theirs. My in-laws are very aware of the fact that we walked away from the family once and were ok with it (they were not), and we'll do it again if they start affecting our happiness. We've basically made it to where we make sure they do not take us for granted. And in turn we are trying to make sure that we make time for family time with them (they live a couple hours away) so that they can see the kids more. So far it is all working out REALLY well.

So, my advice is to be strong. You don't have to be nasty, but don't let them walk all over your feelings. They need to know that it is their problems (the house and the money) that is causing you to have to sacrafice and really they should be kissing your butt. Crap happens and sometimes you have to look to your family for help, even when you know they are having to sacrafice something for you. But when that does happen, the family member's whose problems are the cause need to be OVERLY grateful and kissing major rear end of the people that are sacraficing to help them.

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

I have to agree with this. I don't think being passive agressive is going to work. All they probably care about is getting what they want and if you are really nice about it then they are getting what they want without any problem.

You don't have to be nasty, but if it was me I would make sure people knew I wasn't happy about what was going on.

Here's how I would handle it. Next time MIL wants to talk about the baby shower I'd say "Look, I will help with the baby shower but don't expect me to be happy about it. My 10 year anniversary plans had to be cancelled because not only do you need dh to help build your home but also because OUR vacation money had to go towards bailing YOUR company out. This is a major sacrafice that I am willing to make because I love dh and he feels the need to be here to help his family, but what I won't do is allow everyone else to expect me to be happy about it when I'm not."

In my opinion, best advice on this thread.

 

[TLuvsD]

My Dh has a hard time responding to his family "off the cuff". When we got married I noticed that they expect him to say yes, and so he did without thinking about the request (no matter how out of line).
Sometimes he didn't see the request was crazy until we talked about it. Sometimes he didn't know what else to say. What helped him was "prepping" responses. Things like the PP's suggestions of what to say when the baby shower comes up with your MIL. You don't have to be nasty, a factual tone works wonders. Just stand up for yourself a bit without being emotional. You might be surprized at their response.

 

[Tiger926]

I have to agree with this. I don't think being passive agressive is going to work. All they probably care about is getting what they want and if you are really nice about it then they are getting what they want without any problem.

You don't have to be nasty, but if it was me I would make sure people knew I wasn't happy about what was going on.

Here's how I would handle it. Next time MIL wants to talk about the baby shower I'd say "Look, I will help with the baby shower but don't expect me to be happy about it. My 10 year anniversary plans had to be cancelled because not only do you need dh to help build your home but also because OUR vacation money had to go towards bailing YOUR company out. This is a major sacrafice that I am willing to make because I love dh and he feels the need to be here to help his family, but what I won't do is allow everyone else to expect me to be happy about it when I'm not."

I have a MIL who, if given the chance, can be very controlling. I used to let her until I just couldn't take it anymore and I eventually exploded. Then things got really bad, we had absolutely no contact with them for a while. We are working things out now and I have to say she is being wonderful. But that has a lot to do with the fact that I have made it very well known that dh and I are in control of our family and that we will no longer put up with any form of trying to guilt us into things. I'm not saying that we won't sacrafice for them at times, but it will be our decision to sacrafice, not theirs. My in-laws are very aware of the fact that we walked away from the family once and were ok with it (they were not), and we'll do it again if they start affecting our happiness. We've basically made it to where we make sure they do not take us for granted. And in turn we are trying to make sure that we make time for family time with them (they live a couple hours away) so that they can see the kids more. So far it is all working out REALLY well.

So, my advice is to be strong. You don't have to be nasty, but don't let them walk all over your feelings. They need to know that it is their problems (the house and the money) that is causing you to have to sacrafice and really they should be kissing your butt. Crap happens and sometimes you have to look to your family for help, even when you know they are having to sacrafice something for you. But when that does happen, the family member's whose problems are the cause need to be OVERLY grateful and kissing major rear end of the people that are sacraficing to help them.

In my opinion, this is very passive aggressive - MIL already knows all of this. She already knows that DH seemingly has chosen them over his wife. I don't think they are expecting her to be happy at all. In fact, I don't think they care much about her feelings, as they just want her to help them out with the shower. Nothing more, nothing less. Not sure what this will accomplish, but make matters worse, in the way that it is worded?

Not sure that the OP has made a true sacrifice, and from what she has told us, it was made for her by the rest of them. So, she isn't really making any sacrifice - a choice has been made for her, by someone else. A sacrifice would imply a choice, in my opinion, there has not been any choice made, based on the info that she has shared with us. She wants to go on the trip, and still does, so she might still make that choice to go, or reschedule. I just think the wording of this response is just not necessary, as it is dramatic and will add fuel to an already huge bonfire. I think she can express her feelings, if she so chooses, without the dramatic words. But to be honest, I don't really think it will do any good anyway. I think she needs to spend her energy on her marriage - use her words with her hubby, and not with a family who obviously does not care about their marriage or her personal feelings.

Like I said before, I can't give much advice, as we only know one side of the story, and there are lots of serious implications in many of her posts. I've never experienced this before, and it seems to be pretty serious as it involves finances, family and future.

I wish the OP well, but I really think she needs to choose her words carefully, especially as she doesn't want to escalate the situation any further, IMHO.

Tiger

 

[busyshrew]

My Dh has a hard time responding to his family "off the cuff". When we got married I noticed that they expect him to say yes, and so he did without thinking about the request (no matter how out of line).
Sometimes he didn't see the request was crazy until we talked about it. Sometimes he didn't know what else to say. What helped him was "prepping" responses. Things like the PP's suggestions of what to say when the baby shower comes up with your MIL. You don't have to be nasty, a factual tone works wonders. Just stand up for yourself a bit without being emotional. You might be surprized at their response.

TLuvsD - reading your post was amazing! You've described my own DH almost exactly! We were in that situation too, but wound up having quite a large falling-out with DH's family (initiated by SIL, not by me). It's been hard - but there were long term benefits too. DH is able to see his family's situation a bit more clearly now that we have "stepped away" a bit, and realizes that many of the expectations and requests being laid on him by MIL and SIL were not within the range of normal. Sometimes IL conflict is necessary if you want to keep your own marriage a happy priority.

Good luck OP, .

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

you know what Dr Phil says........ people can only take advantage of you if you let them.....



And if you let them, don't look for it ever to change. And I mean EVER!



(Here is Dr Phil's Life Law Number Eight!)
Life Law #8: We teach people how to treat us.
Strategy: Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.

You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.

Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Monica, I wouldn't kill them with kindness. They won't care and you will get even more entrenched in their demands and upset.

I don't know what route you should take. I don't know them. But I do think you need to break this cycle of doing for them and getting nothing, no respect or consideration in return.

Me? I'm a pretty straightforward type person for the most part. When things get as bad as you describe, I'd have to call them as I see them and let the chips fall where they may. (They aren't falling so great as it is now.)

That might not work for you. I think you have an inner conflict of how to handle this in a Christian way. Standing up for yourself is not in conflict with being a Christian. You just have to find the way to do it that is right for you and follow through. You don't have to be mean or nasty. You weren't put on this earth to serve them. You have to believe that and you have to project it. Sure it's okay to help them. But it should be on your terms. That's the difference. Establish boundaries with them or you will never be happy.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

any chance that the house that's being built is for YOU? and he wants to get it done by your anniversary?

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I'd really like to know if the OP is doing okay.......

 

[Nancyg56]

Not sure that the OP has made a true sacrifice, and from what she has told us, it was made for her by the rest of them. So, she isn't really making any sacrifice - a choice has been made for her, by someone else. A sacrifice would imply a choice, in my opinion, there has not been any choice made, based on the info that she has shared with us. She wants to go on the trip, and still does, so she might still make that choice to go, or reschedule. I just think the wording of this response is just not necessary, as it is dramatic and will add fuel to an already huge bonfire. I think she can express her feelings, if she so chooses, without the dramatic words. But to be honest, I don't really think it will do any good anyway. I think she needs to spend her energy on her marriage - use her words with her hubby, and not with a family who obviously does not care about their marriage or her personal feelings.

ITA.

I would not waste any words on this family, I would save them for my DH. Honestly, I understand that there are times when a couple needs to cancel a much anticipated vacation or special occasion to step up for family but that decision is supposed to be made by both partners in the relationship. That decision was taken out of southernbelle's hands and that was not the family's fault. That was all her DH. HE disregarded his wife in favor of his family, they could never have made him do this if he told them he and his wife would discuss and then decide.


I really am nor sure what I would do in regards to the vacation, the shower or anything else becasue it is easy to armchair decisions but I do know that my DH would not be having an easy sail through this.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I've been reading along and not posted anything until now; but a question is driving me crazy. Why all the passive aggressiveness by the OP to the MIL? I would point blank ask MIL why dh couldn't go on the trip that had been planned for a year. Wouldn't that shed a lot of light on things?

 

[FayeW]

Well, you could always call MIL at work and say "Sorry MIL, I won't be able to help with SIL's shower after all. That weekend is the when we were supposed to be on our 10th anniversary trip to WDW, and since it's been paid for already I'm thinking about taking a friend and going anyway rather than just waste all that money. I know you'll do a super job with the shower and everyone will have a great time".

Then, sit back and wait for the fireworks, but memorize these two phrases and repeat as often as necessary: "You should have thought about that before you canceled our 10th anniversary trip" and "You should have thought about that before you loaned our money without discussing it with me".

If he tells you that you were selfish say "It was selfish of you to cancel my anniversary trip knowing how excited I was about it. It was selfish of you to lend our money that was supposed to be for our trip. It is selfish of you to tell me I can't go because you made a decision to stay here and help your mother. If you expect me to stay here an lose the money for the DVC points because you choose to help your family, then your family needs to reimburse that cost to us...I am not losing out on my trip AND my money!"

Oh yeah, if you end up not going on your trip with a friend and are in town for the shower, I am pretty sure I would be sick. "Diarrhea" is it's own explanation...nobody ever questions that or wants more information. Wouldn't want to share your stomach bug with the rest of the guests, right?

 

[Scurvy]

I've been reading along and not posted anything until now; but a question is driving me crazy. Why all the passive aggressiveness by the OP to the MIL? I would point blank ask MIL why dh couldn't go on the trip that had been planned for a year. Wouldn't that shed a lot of light on things?

Her Mother-in-law can't control whether the OP's husband is allowed to go on vacation unless he lets her. He's an adult. No matter what his mother said, if he really wanted to go on the trip he would. To ask the MIL why he couldn't go sends completely the wrong message, in my opinion. It makes it seem as though the OP thinks it's valid that the MIL has control over her husband. The OP's husband is the one who decided not to go. He's the one who chose to please his mother over his wife. If anyone is expected to give an explanation to the OP, it should be him.

I'm really not seeing where the OP is being at all passive aggressive toward anyone. She has been treated badly by these people and there's no reason she should have to pretend she is happy with them. Frankly, it would be understandable if she chose to act flat out aggressive toward them, but she isn't. Instead she's even helping with the shower, which is above and beyond what anyone should be expected to do - there's certainly no way I'd do it! I don't see anything passive aggressive about her actions.

 

[Tiger926]

Her Mother-in-law can't control whether the OP's husband is allowed to go on vacation unless he lets her. He's an adult. No matter what his mother said, if he really wanted to go on the trip he would. To ask the MIL why he couldn't go sends completely the wrong message, in my opinion. It makes it seem as though the OP thinks it's valid that the MIL has control over her husband. The OP's husband is the one who decided not to go. He's the one who chose to please his mother over his wife. If anyone is expected to give an explanation to the OP, it should be him.

I'm really not seeing where the OP is being at all passive aggressive toward anyone. She has been treated badly by these people and there's no reason she should have to pretend she is happy with them. Frankly, it would be understandable if she chose to act flat out aggressive toward them, but she isn't. Instead she's even helping with the shower, which is above and beyond what anyone should be expected to do - there's certainly no way I'd do it! I don't see anything passive aggressive about her actions.

I agree with your first paragraph, but not the second.

Being passive aggressive is helping out with a shower, for people you can't stand, and with an event you don't care about. She has every right to fill this way, IMHO, so her body language and even her words might indicate that, and this could make the situation worse. The last thing she needs is for there to be a problem at SIL's shower, and then she get blamed for that. That will not go over well in her repairing her relationship with her DH, IMHO.

Tiger

 

[Scurvy]

I agree with your first paragraph, but not the second.

Being passive aggressive is helping out with a shower, for people you can't stand, and with an event you don't care about. She has every right to fill this way, IMHO, so her body language and even her words might indicate that, and this could make the situation worse. The last thing she needs is for there to be a problem at SIL's shower, and then she get blamed for that. That will not go over well in her repairing her relationship with her DH, IMHO.

Tiger

I can definitely agree with the bolded, and I do see what you are saying but I disagree somewhat. In my opinion, there's nothing passive aggressive about helping with the shower if she can do so in a truly pleasant, helpful manner. It wouldn't matter that she doesn't like the people involved if she could avoid communicating that. (And lots of people do help with things they don't really care about, just because they feel they have to or they think it's the right thing to do, without being passive aggressive about it.) I wouldn't be able to do that. I would definitely have a bad attitude and it would come across in my actions. That would be passive aggressive. There's no way I'd participate in the shower, knowing I was angry and resentful about the trip and that I'd likely only make things worse. But if the OP can truly put aside her hurt and disappointment and help with the shower with a good attitude then there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe she really could do that, but I don't think most people would be able to.