I am just so dissapointed right now :(

[Grumpy's Gal]

I've been following along...just checking in for any update.

 

[southern_belle21]

My husband works for a family business. My mother in law was wonderful when we first met-and i let her make my decisions. As i got older and wiser, and did not give a harry hoo what she thought, we grew distance. I HATE that my husband works there. They work all the time, 6 days a week. My mil is a martyr, and it drives me insane. You made the choice to have this business so get over it. I chose to work for someone else and have really good benefits. That was my choice. There are "business" things discussed without me. This used to hurt my feelings but hey i dont work there so I guess they dont think I should know. I schedule trips and she gets mad usually. There are certain times of the year we really dont need to travel due to the amount of business they do. I respect that and try to plan at other times of the year. I am working HARD to get things paid off because I want to move away from it. My sweet husband doesnt think i can get it done but he needs to sit back and watch. They tell us he has "part ownership" but like a financial planner told us at one time, that is only for their gain in taxes. They think we will stay and run that business. I just want my husband to be happy. If he is happy there, then that is where he should be. That said, i have taken many trips without him to the beach, Chicago, etc. He has never missed a Disney trip. That said, you are really putting up with too much. Let them build the house. How is that helpful to you? Yes, he should help if he has time, but not take away from his own family. You have to come first. You should be able to travel without him. We are also church going people and i respect my husband as leader of my home but he would never even go there with me.

I hate to say this but is there any chance there is someone else? Is it a small town? Has he been working more than usual lately?

First of all, it sounds you can sympathize with some of what I have been going through. Even thought he has been working in a family business, I have never once thought that he would let it, OR his family come in front of us like he is letting it now. I will admit that there have been times when he has had to do things for his their business, or his family that I have not been happy about, but it never really affected us like this. I DO respect him for many reasons, however, there have been a few other times that I have felt as though he allows his family to come first, before US. He DOES work 6 days a week, with only a day off (other than Sunday) only once every couple of weeks (if he's not having to work on MIL's house). He's either at work, or working with his uncle on his mom's house, and I know it's not some"one" else. It's many some"ones" lol...his mom, his brother, his uncle, MIL's house, work, oh and every ONCE in awhile he actually takes some time out to spend with maybe one of the youth boys at our church. There's no one else, I mean, he doesn't have time lol.

I pretty much agree with everything you have said..

And - I'm also hoping and praying that the OP doesn't follow some of the suggestions here that could very well mean the end of her marriage - since we obviously don't know every little detail of her life - and we're just a bunch of nameless, faceless people shooting from the hip on a message board..

Food for thought? Yes.. Acting on some of these suggestions? No so much..

OP: If you read this thread again, remember that this is your marriage and your husband.. Only you know the entire story and only you can decide what to do or not do..

Good luck!

Thank you Yes, the thing is I honestly do appreciate everyone. I really don't have many people that I can vent to right now. I am very close to my oldest niece (who is only 3 years younger than I am, so we have been more like sisters) but she is married and her husband just left today to go to Mississippi for training in the Army, then then are sending him to Iraq for 12 months. She's a teacher, and just started teaching her 3 year of 1st grade, so she is under a LOT of stress right now. I have talked to her, but most of all I just want to be there for HER right now, and try to let things settle down with DH. Thank you so much

Anyone noticed that the OP has stopped posting. Hope she's OK

Well I'm okay, other than I have been under the weather the past couple of days. I've lost my voice and all that fun stuff. I DO want to share that when I called my DH's work a couple days ago his mother answered and said she was glad I called because she had wanted to talk to me......about my SIL's baby shower. I listened patiently to her tell me that she needed my help to decorate, and if I could she would put my name on the invite, so I told her I could. I had JUST told my MIL and SIL that I wouldn't be able to help with this baby shower (I did her first baby shower because I am an event planner), because we would be in Disney the weekend she had planned on having it. Our trip has BEEN PLANNED for a LONG TIME. Since before my SIL found out she was pregnant. That's not the thing though. This whole time I have wondered if any of my in laws are even remotely sorry that all of this has "come up" and DH and I are not going to be taking our big 10th anniversary trip. When I talked to my MIL on the phone the other day about helping with the baby shower, I was surprised when she was, once again, asking me about helping, and told me the date, but DID NOT ONCE say a THING about our trip being off...not one thing. Not even an "I'm sorry", or a "maybe you two can go another time when things aren't so busy," or ANYTHING. She honestly just acted like no one had ever mentioned our trip to her, which BOTH DH AND I HAD. She acted as though everything were just normal, and just fine. What in the world am I missing??? I started to bring it up to DH, and told him that I felt as though MIL didn't care about how I felt at all, and he once again started to defend her, saying that it wasn't true, so I just dropped it. At this point I'm starting to think that talking to him at all about anything that bothers me is pointless. This Sunday I am going to go to my pastor. Just me at first, and tell him what's going on, and see how I should handle things from there. On one positive note, I did decide to look up the last week of FD and see what was available for Dec that week, and DH at least sounded interested in it.

 

[southern_belle21]

Alright, I'm I've got another thought about all this. OP, on another thread you said your in laws don't "get" your Disney fascination & have made comments about your frequent trips. Also, it seems like your DH puts quite a bit of importance on his family & their approval. Sounds like it is possible they have pressured/ shamed/ ribbed him into cancelling your trip. And I don't mean just because of the money or the MIL's house. I just don't think your MIL thinks you needed to go.

If this is really true then : 1) my MIL is ABSOLUTELY INSANE...to the point of why on EARTH would we just throw away good hard earned money just because she "doesn't think we should go"...REALLY!!!!?????

2) DH is obviously being completely controlled by my MIL, and therefore is also INSANE, to which I don't really know what to do about that, other than talking to my pastor and bringing in someone who DH will hopefully listen to. And then MOVE FAR AWAY FROM HIS ENTIRE FAMILY, which I honestly don't see my DH ever wanting to do. So I truly hope that this is not the case. No doubt that his family is pressuring him and (I think) bullying him into making decisions that go against his better judgment. Intervention is needed here regardless right now. At least to me it is...and I'm his wife.

 

[JoShan1719]

On one positive note, I did decide to look up the last week of FD and see what was available for Dec that week, and DH at least sounded interested in it.

I'm glad there might be a silver lining for you OP! I think you're doing the right thing letting this settle rather than bringing it up over and over and over. And I'm sure it will be very helpful to speak to your pastor. Good luck, and keep us posted

 

[OceanAnnie]

Monica, did you lose the money that was already invested in your paid vacation? Or were you able to talk to someone about transferring the date to another time?

I hope it wasn't a loss!

 

[bunkkinsmom]

Well I'm okay, other than I have been under the weather the past couple of days. I've lost my voice and all that fun stuff. I DO want to share that when I called my DH's work a couple days ago his mother answered and said she was glad I called because she had wanted to talk to me......about my SIL's baby shower. I listened patiently to her tell me that she needed my help to decorate, and if I could she would put my name on the invite, so I told her I could. I had JUST told my MIL and SIL that I wouldn't be able to help with this baby shower (I did her first baby shower because I am an event planner), because we would be in Disney the weekend she had planned on having it. Our trip has BEEN PLANNED for a LONG TIME. Since before my SIL found out she was pregnant. That's not the thing though. This whole time I have wondered if any of my in laws are even remotely sorry that all of this has "come up" and DH and I are not going to be taking our big 10th anniversary trip. When I talked to my MIL on the phone the other day about helping with the baby shower, I was surprised when she was, once again, asking me about helping, and told me the date, but DID NOT ONCE say a THING about our trip being off...not one thing. Not even an "I'm sorry", or a "maybe you two can go another time when things aren't so busy," or ANYTHING. She honestly just acted like no one had ever mentioned our trip to her, which BOTH DH AND I HAD. She acted as though everything were just normal, and just fine. What in the world am I missing??? I started to bring it up to DH, and told him that I felt as though MIL didn't care about how I felt at all, and he once again started to defend her, saying that it wasn't true, so I just dropped it. At this point I'm starting to think that talking to him at all about anything that bothers me is pointless. This Sunday I am going to go to my pastor. Just me at first, and tell him what's going on, and see how I should handle things from there. On one positive note, I did decide to look up the last week of FD and see what was available for Dec that week, and DH at least sounded interested in it. [/QUOTE]


I too believe that only you know your marriage and you will have to be the one who decides what to do. I, personally, would not go without my DH on this trip. Several people have questioned whether this is ongoing. You have said you never thought this would happen. If this truly is a RARE thing, then he is going through some stuff and you should be there.

HOWEVER, if he actually called you stupid, you cannot tolerate that.

If he actually told you that you would have to leave the house, you cannot tolerate that.

If he actually took money without telling you, you cannot tolerate that.

Just from the posts (I don't know you other than this thread) it sounds like your DH and family frankly don't really care what you think. Or feel. They don't let you into their meetings but expect you to help when they need things like a baby shower, and then don't acknowledge your feelings around it? I would not be decorating or helping. Find a reason. I wouldn't go either. Send a nice gift (if there is $ to do so) and a card. Would you be doing it out of spite? Maybe, or just the fact that you don't want to feel used. Whichever. I wouldn't go. Be sick that day. I would find reasons to avoid family gatherings. If that means your husband goes to those without you, so be it. His family is taking you for granted, but remember, you have to ALLOW them to treat you that way. Don't allow it.

I'm not saying leave your husband, and I do think that you should see your pastor. But there is no reason to allow people to walk on you and disregard your feelings.

 

[castleview]

I had JUST told my MIL and SIL that I wouldn't be able to help with this baby shower (I did her first baby shower because I am an event planner), because we would be in Disney the weekend she had planned on having it. Our trip has BEEN PLANNED for a LONG TIME. Since before my SIL found out she was pregnant. That's not the thing though. This whole time I have wondered if any of my in laws are even remotely sorry that all of this has "come up" and DH and I are not going to be taking our big 10th anniversary trip. When I talked to my MIL on the phone the other day about helping with the baby shower, I was surprised when she was, once again, asking me about helping, and told me the date, but DID NOT ONCE say a THING about our trip being off...not one thing. Not even an "I'm sorry", or a "maybe you two can go another time when things aren't so busy," or ANYTHING. She honestly just acted like no one had ever mentioned our trip to her, which BOTH DH AND I HAD. She acted as though everything were just normal, and just fine. What in the world am I missing???

Hi OP,
I've been lurking and I do feel for you. Looking back, it took a few years for my DH to realize that his family was meddling too much and we had to gradually put an end to their requests. He has only brothers and I swear he just never saw the subtle manipulations his mother and SIL were doing.

What gets me here is that you have to give up your trip while your SIL is having a second baby shower. Am I reading that wrong. If I'm not, you should be throwing that back in the in-laws' faces.

 

[SnowWhite607]

Just from the posts (I don't know you other than this thread) it sounds like your DH and family frankly don't really care what you think. Or feel. They don't let you into their meetings but expect you to help when they need things like a baby shower, and then don't acknowledge your feelings around it? I would not be decorating or helping. Find a reason. I wouldn't go either. Send a nice gift (if there is $ to do so) and a card. Would you be doing it out of spite? Maybe, or just the fact that you don't want to feel used. Whichever. I wouldn't go. Be sick that day. I would find reasons to avoid family gatherings. If that means your husband goes to those without you, so be it. His family is taking you for granted, but remember, you have to ALLOW them to treat you that way. Don't allow it.

I'm not saying leave your husband, and I do think that you should see your pastor. But there is no reason to allow people to walk on you and disregard your feelings.[/QUOTE]

My mama always said........no one can treat you like a doormat unless you lay down in front of them. (in other words, you allow them to walk all over you and disregard your feelings)

 

[OceanAnnie]

I too believe that only you know your marriage and you will have to be the one who decides what to do. I, personally, would not go without my DH on this trip. Several people have questioned whether this is ongoing. You have said you never thought this would happen. If this truly is a RARE thing, then he is going through some stuff and you should be there.

HOWEVER, if he actually called you stupid, you cannot tolerate that.

If he actually told you that you would have to leave the house, you cannot tolerate that.

If he actually took money without telling you, you cannot tolerate that.

Just from the posts (I don't know you other than this thread) it sounds like your DH and family frankly don't really care what you think. Or feel. They don't let you into their meetings but expect you to help when they need things like a baby shower, and then don't acknowledge your feelings around it? I would not be decorating or helping. Find a reason. I wouldn't go either. Send a nice gift (if there is $ to do so) and a card. Would you be doing it out of spite? Maybe, or just the fact that you don't want to feel used. Whichever. I wouldn't go. Be sick that day. I would find reasons to avoid family gatherings. If that means your husband goes to those without you, so be it. His family is taking you for granted, but remember, you have to ALLOW them to treat you that way. Don't allow it.

I'm not saying leave your husband, and I do think that you should see your pastor. But there is no reason to allow people to walk on you and disregard your feelings.

Firstly Monica, you have to do what you think is right for you and your family.

I agree with bunkkinsmom. I don't think I would be helping with decorating and I would not be attending the shower. That time was reserved for your 10 year anniversary and they knew it. It was/is important to you. They are roping you in to playing this game of manipulation. I wouldn't play. It is very passive/aggressive.

Rightly or wrongly, I probably would've said something about missing my 10 year wedding anniversary at WDW. I think I would tell the MIL and SIL, I would not be attending the shower because I would be celebrating my 10 year wedding anniversary at home since I wouldn't be going to WDW. Then, I would say I'm sure you understand. Well, that's what I'd like to say. On second thought I wouldn't. I know harmony in the family is important, but not at your expense! Maybe I'd just say I'm ill (like a pp stated) or something has come up. But I wouldn't be there.

You and your feelings are important! I think they are asking too much of you to give up your vacation because of them and then help them during your scheduled vacation time.

They put you last and expect you to put them first. That would not work. Somehow you need to break that cycle! They might have your DH on call, but you aren't! Somehow you need to stand up for yourself and break free of their demands.

I wish you well with this. You are against a team and that's tough.

 

[okeydokey]

I'm so sorry to have to say this, but you do know that your in-laws don't care at all about your feelings. Your opinion doesn't matter to them. Your DH agrees with them by putting them before you and his marriage. I hope you both can get some help to see that his relationship is unhealthy and will eventually ruin your marriage.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Is there any possibility at all that the shower is actually an anniversary party and you'll be leaving for Disney a day or two later?

 

[polkadotsuitcase]

Is there any possibility at all that the shower is actually an anniversary party and you'll be leaving for Disney a day or two later?

Now that's called looking on the bright side! Wouldn't that be something?!

OP, I hope everything does work out well for you.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Now that's called looking on the bright side! Wouldn't that be something?!

OP, I hope everything does work out well for you.

It would definitely account for everyone avoiding the conversation. And for the record, I'm the one that suggested she go without him (screw him LOL). I really hope it's a party and not an indication of things to come.

 

[padams]

Another thread lurker, I keep thinking each time I see this thread that the DH needs a job not working for his parents. He needs more autonomy. Being financially dependent on his parents causes him to have to cater to their whims and desires even if it hurts his marriage. Either OP needs to encourage her DH to find other work, or she needs to accept that her life will always be highly intertwined with her in-laws. I have several friends with similar situations. Ultimately, OP needs to decide if the DH is worth dealing perpetually with the in-laws (unless he grows up and gets a new job). Sorry to be harsh but that's the reality of the situation.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Is there any possibility at all that the shower is actually an anniversary party and you'll be leaving for Disney a day or two later?

That would be nice, but it doesn't sound likely. The in-laws just don't seem warm and fuzzy. From what was posted, they seem to be all about, "What can you do for me?", no interest in the OP. The baby shower was planned for a long time and it will probably proceed as planned.

It is a nice thought.

Not saying I'm "right". I wish I am wrong.

 

[horseshowmom]

I DO want to share that when I called my DH's work a couple days ago his mother answered and said she was glad I called because she had wanted to talk to me......about my SIL's baby shower. I listened patiently to her tell me that she needed my help to decorate, and if I could she would put my name on the invite, so I told her I could. I had JUST told my MIL and SIL that I wouldn't be able to help with this baby shower (I did her first baby shower because I am an event planner), because we would be in Disney the weekend she had planned on having it. Our trip has BEEN PLANNED for a LONG TIME. Since before my SIL found out she was pregnant.

When I talked to my MIL on the phone the other day about helping with the baby shower, I was surprised when she was, once again, asking me about helping, and told me the date, but DID NOT ONCE say a THING about our trip being off...not one thing.

I started to bring it up to DH, and told him that I felt as though MIL didn't care about how I felt at all, and he once again started to defend her, saying that it wasn't true, so I just dropped it.

Okay, I have to say that you missed your opportunity here. While I would consent to help with the shower (I see no point in making this worse at this point - maybe later, just depends), I would have said in a nonconfronational tone, "I see you've heard that we aren't going on our anniversary trip" and let her respond (both of you know that she knows because you've already told her). I would have let her respond and then commented on how terribly disappointed I am (again, not whining, just matter of factly). Let her respond again. I suspect you might have had a chance to get some information in this way (and I do suspect whether she had a hand in this - I'm starting to wonder whether she thought you needed to be there for the "family" baby shower instead of "wasting" your time at Disney). While I support you in working this out, I do think you may be being too passive here. Good luck!

 

[agnes!]

Okay, I have to say that you missed your opportunity here. While I would consent to help with the shower (I see no point in making this worse at this point - maybe later, just depends), I would have said in a nonconfronational tone, "I see you've heard that we aren't going on our anniversary trip" and let her respond (both of you know that she knows because you've already told her). I would have let her respond and then commented on how terribly disappointed I am (again, not whining, just matter of factly). Let her respond again. I suspect you might have had a chance to get some information in this way (and I do suspect whether she had a hand in this - I'm starting to wonder whether she thought you needed to be there for the "family" baby shower instead of "wasting" your time at Disney). While I support you in working this out, I do think you may be being too passive here. Good luck!

^This.
agnes!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

As far as your in-laws attitudes towards you missing the trip, etc....have they ever really been warm and fuzzy? If not, they aren't going to suddenly start. We can't expect a horse to moo.

 

[Poohbug]

Somebody needs an attitude adjustment--hint: not you.

After 10 years you should be able to talk to your spouse and treat your spouse respectfully.

If you let your husband and in-laws walk all over you, they will.

I would be taking that trip and hubby can sit at home and call me selfish the whole time if he wants.

I really hope you can work things out but that doesn't mean you give and give and give and never get.

 

[Tiger926]

I pretty much agree with everything you have said..

And - I'm also hoping and praying that the OP doesn't follow some of the suggestions here that could very well mean the end of her marriage - since we obviously don't know every little detail of her life - and we're just a bunch of nameless, faceless people shooting from the hip on a message board..

Food for thought? Yes.. Acting on some of these suggestions? No so much..

OP: If you read this thread again, remember that this is your marriage and your husband.. Only you know the entire story and only you can decide what to do or not do..

Good luck!

Right on the money, C.Ann - I always enjoy your posts!

I have been following this entire thread, but haven't posted, as frankly, I am offended by some of the comments that have been made about and to the OP by many people on here. Now, it does sound like there are major boundary issues between DH and his family, and these are obviously coming between OP and hubby, but to say that the OP should end her marriage is jumping the gun, IMHO. OP and hubby need to talk, OP might need counselling, and they probably could benefit from counselling together for their marriage, as well as how to break through the in-law pack, but OP needs to do some work before she throws away 10 years of marriage. Plus, we are only getting her side of the story, and when one is upset, our perception is sometimes not clear at all. I do wish the best for the OP, but she needs to make the decisions that she feels are right, as she is living this situation.

I hope the OP is ok, and is clearly thinking through what is a difficult situation, that none of us, can possibly understand, since we don't live in her house, nor are we part of her marriage.

I hope the OP is going to be ok, Tiger