I am just so dissapointed right now :(

[focusondisney]

Alright, I'm I've got another thought about all this. OP, on another thread you said your in laws don't "get" your Disney fascination & have made comments about your frequent trips. Also, it seems like your DH puts quite a bit of importance on his family & their approval. Sounds like it is possible they have pressured/ shamed/ ribbed him into cancelling your trip. And I don't mean just because of the money or the MIL's house. I just don't think your MIL thinks you needed to go.

 

[cm8]

I would be going alone.


"I'm just very confused. Every time I try to talk to him about it, or I get upset and tell him that I don't really understand why we're having to do this, he defends his family, and says that I'm being very selfish."

Is this the very first time he's done something like this? If so, I'd still be going alone, but maybe he gets a pass.

If it's a pattern, though...if he won't explain things, gets defensive, confuses you, leaves you confused and doesn't seem to mind that...I would be wondering what is going on.

DH and I, before we were married, had some problems. And I could tell when they were cropping up, because he wouldn't make a bit of sense for days and days. Later, I would find out that he was hiding something from me, something he didn't want to tell me b/c he was 'afraid', etc etc. His stories wouldn't line up, HE would say he was confused, etc. DH has done some HARD work in the last 7-8 years (7th wedding anniv tomorrow, but the problems really came to light more than a year before that and in between that time and the wedding he did some serious soul-searching and counseling), but when we were dating and engaged (the first time) he was a fairly big liar, and it was NEVER for a "good" reason. Usually just about money (not usually serious money stuff) and not wanting to be in trouble. He would obfuscate, allow me to be confused, and double-talk (though he was bad at it, so it was more like 1.5 talk ha ha).

Anyway, if this is a pattern with him, I'd be really really careful.



No matter what, though, I'd be going to WDW so that this money wasn't absolutely thrown down the drain. HE chose to take money from savings; I don't care what the reason is, you don't just take money without talking about it with your spouse...he made that decision, and you can make a decision too.

I really would. He has chosen the happiness and conveniences of his family over the happiness and special occasion of YOUR family. As much as he stated that you were being selfish, I think he failed to see the part of his family and his actions being selfish. I can only imagine what else you will have to give up for his family. Being second is never easy and one role I will never settle for. I know you just wanted to vent, but the hurt in post shines through. Please do what is best for you since you seem to be the only one thinking about you

 

[OceanAnnie]

If the vacation couldn't be rescheduled without losing money, I'd go alone. That's just me. To know I worked towards something and it not be used would be too much (especially in light of how it went down).

If it could be rescheduled and no money lost, I could wait.

But one things for sure, I would not be put in that position ever again. That would be crystal clear.

I hope each day is easier for you, Monica. And I really hope your DH sees the error of his ways.

 

[swissfamilyrobinson]

It is unfortunate that your DH works with his mom and brother, because, not only have the apron strings never been cut, it sounds as if they never will be. And that is the glaring issue here. It will only get worse from here on out if your husband doesn't learn to put his own family (you, his wife) first. And the longer you accept being treated like that, the more often you will face it.

Also, it looks like DSIL is being put above you, as well, so they can get her in Mom's old house. Mind you, she's been pregnant nine months - this wasn't a surprise any more than your planned 10 year anniversary Disney trip. You only celebrate a 10 year anniversay ONE time. So sorry if she can't move until a week later, but her husband should be/should have been the one seeing to all that!

I wonder if MIL controls the purse strings and has a veiled threat over the "boys" if they don't do her bidding for her.

One of the PPs was correct about boundaries. There is an excellent book by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend called "Boundaries", and you may be very enlightened if you choose to read it!

Best of luck to you - marriage is hard work, and this is only one blip on the screen of the rollercoaster (ups and downs) of being married! As someone who has been married several, several more years than you, I can tell you we've had some doosey issues, too! I have cried many tears and prayed many prayers - and had many wonderful times, as well. This is something that has to be dealt with (sooner or later), and can be exhausting and overwhelming to have to face (especially when you feel like it's three against one). But you sound like someone who has her head on straight, and will take care to handle this with the utmost thought and prayer!

 

[hentob]

Okay, so I asked and BEGGED him to just take a few days off so that we could go together..."not a whole week", I said. He just laughed and said that there is no way. Someone needs to be running the office, while he, his brother, and their uncle get work done on his mom's house. Trust me, I thought of this first thing. I didn't see why we couldn't just go for like a long weekend. He did not like this idea either. Just laughs it off as though I'm just being silly. He keeps saying that he had no idea that I would put Disney above him. Guess he really doesn't know me.


I can't go without him because he is very much against it, and I really don't want to make things worse by doing so. As much as I'd LOVE to go and see my friend who lives down there, I have a responsibility to still be a wife and stay here and try to figure out what went wrong, what's going on, and how to fix it.








How many times has OP said certain topics (Disney, Disney without him, etc.) are OFF LIMITS? And that he gets very angry when she brings up that subject? Really, who decided it won't be discussed? Her DH. So you think if she's not allowed to discuss Disney/this trip, and he just laughs at her like she's being silly, she's going to demand he talk to her about finances and he's actually going to? How many times has she said it's his, his brother and his mother's business and NO ONE else is allowed be involved or consulted. It's her money going into that company without her consent/permission. I'm sorry, do I think it's worth throwing a marriage away? No, unless this continues. Her DH is treating her like a child, telling her she's selfish and laughing her off when she expresses herself. I stand by my post -- screw him, go to Disney whether he likes it or not. If it was so important to him (not only the trip but their 10 year anniversary), he'd go or he'd be willing to discuss some alternative plans.

Her husband is controlling. He is NOT a nice guy, in my opinion.

The family business meetings are closed to her? She is not allowed to bring up certain subjects? He calls her names?

I could never crawl into bed with a man that treats me like that He sounds like someone that I could never even look at.

OP, it is not normal for people to treat other people like that.

I am concerned for you and I wish you well

You seem like a very nice person.

 

[hentob]

Right now she's hurt, he's defensive, nothing positive is goiing to happen by insisting on the trip.

Oh, I think the positive thing would be a big sign that says YOU DON'T CONTROL ME! to her DH when she goes on this trip.

It is paid for Why would she just sit around while he helps build a house for his mother (the one that doesn't allow OP into meetings)?

Why should she sit home?

I would go on vacation and come back to my own apartment until my husband changed his controlling, sneaky, name calling ways.

Life is too short to be treated like dirt.

 

[horseshowmom]

I don't think escalation of the situation is a good idea. She and her DH need time. Time to think (for both of them), time to get financial information, separate the business money from the household money (for his family business and her business), time to talk to a pastor or counselor. Work on the reschedule of the vacation. Time to evaluate the whole picture. Then make decisions on how to move forward.

Right now she's hurt, he's defensive, nothing positive is goiing to happen by insisting on the trip.

I agree. His behavior has certainly been inappropriate (calling the OP stupid really bothers me - I've been married 25 years and have never been called names, and I can't imagine throwing money away with neither of them getting to enjoy the trip ), but I agree that they need to work through this. If this were normal, everyday behavior for him, I would have some serious concerns, but the OP says it's not that way, and I see no reason for her to lie about it. This is serious, and it sounds like the OP recognizes that and is planning to take steps to address it.

OP, one piece of advice, keep your cool when you get ready to discuss this seriously. He needs to see that you're not blubbering and emotional, that you're very serious about the problems you see. Best wishes to you...

 

[hentob]

If this were normal, everyday behavior for him, I would have some serious concerns...

She is that accustomed to being treated poorly, she has no idea what is normal or not. She has been kept out of the family business, yet her money is good enough to fund it

 

[horseshowmom]

She is that accustomed to being treated poorly, she has no idea what is normal or not. She has been kept out of the family business, yet her money is good enough to fund it

I agree completely that she should have been consulted before the loan was made. I don't necessarily find it unusual that she doesn't participate in the business meetings. If my husband were in business with someone, I wouldn't expect to be involved in those meetings (in this case it just happens to be family members).

As I said before, there's no question that this is serious and inappropriate, but there's also no reason to believe that it can't be worked through. When they come to the point of having serious discussions about the issues, if the husband digs in his heels and says that his family is always going to come first for the rest of their lives and that she'll do as she's told and that she's insignificant in the grand scheme of things, then it becomes a different story. I wouldn't just jump to that stage without trying to resolve the issues. They've been married 10 years and have seemed to be happy (per the OP). As another poster said, I've been married for 25 years, and from time to time problems do pop up. How you react to them can be almost as important as what the problem is.

 

[SnowWhite607]

I was married to a man who would have done exactly this same thing - no you may not go without me and I would have been scared to do it because I knew he would have kicked me out, etc. Once I left him and went to my mothers house, he called and said he was going to throw out my precious kitty in the woods and then burn all my clothes and belongings. Its called CONTROL and when he started using me as a punching bag, I also did the SCREW YOU and got out. But I had to get a backbone first. If you have been beaten down for so long, even emotionally (name calling, extreme control like the trip thing, etc) then its hard. We didnt have children so I cut ties and have never been so glad to get rid of someone in my life. I am much better off without that loser.

I am planning my 2nd Disney trip without my husband. We go together as a family but DD and I are planning to go for Mardi Gras 2010. He is a softball coach and has games all that week and cannot go. Did he ever suggest or demand that I stay home? Nope. He even took me to the airport last time. I'm sure he's kind of bummed about not being able to go but he's glad that DD and I can go and have fun. I would not stand for the "I dont want you to go and have fun without me", especially if he were not willing to make another plan so we could go together.

There is a big difference in:

"No I dont want you to go by yourself cause its our anniversary trip. How about we get out the calendar and find another time when we can go, just the 2 of us with no interference?"

and...

"No you cant go and you are being very selfish for wanting to go without me."

As many problems as DH and I have had in the past 14 years, I am realizing by reading this thread that I am lucky to be married to someone who does not insist on treating me like a child.

 

[Tuffcookie]

SnowWhite607,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. I'm glad things got better for you but it took that leap of faith in order for things to improve.

I think that's the problem in a lot of abusive situations (I was in that situation for almost 20 years and have been out of an abusive marriage for 18 years)...Fear of the unknown.

I, too, found the strength & courage to leave it behind and I've never been happier. It is better to be alone than with the wrong person!

TC

 

[ilovesugar]

I have read this whole thing and I am in 100% agreement with the posters who think that she should not only go on the trip alone, but make it very clear to him that he will no longer be treating her that way.

However, I know that OP said that he has never acted like this. I don't buy it. There is no way that he has not shown this type of behavior before to her. People don't just start acting like controlling freaks out of the blue. IMO, this has been going on a long time and OP will do nothing about it. I hope for her sake, I am wrong.

 

[SnowWhite607]

SnowWhite607,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. I'm glad things got better for you but it took that leap of faith in order for things to improve.

I think that's the problem in a lot of abusive situation (I was in that situation for almost 20 years and have been out of an abusive marriage for 18 years)...Fear of the unknown.

I, too, found the strength & courage to leave it behind and I've never been happier. It is better to be along than with the wrong person!

TC

You can say that again!!

 

[SnowWhite607]

I have read this whole thing and I am in 100% agreement with the posters who think that she should not only go on the trip alone, but make it very clear to him that he will no longer be treating her that way.

However, I know that OP said that he has never acted like this. I don't buy it. There is no way that he has not shown this type of behavior before to her. People don't just start acting like controlling freaks out of the blue. IMO, this has been going on a long time and OP will do nothing about it. I hope for her sake, I am wrong.

I agree. My first husband didnt show it either. Or maybe he did but I just thought it was "love". Like once I was in a store and talking to the guy behind the register (we went to college together). I got back in the car and he started questioning me and wanted to go in and beat the guy up for talking to me. At the time I thought "Aw, he wants me all to himself, how sweet!" but now I realize how controlling that was.

Even little things the OP should be aware of. She already knows he is controlling because she said there was "no way he would stand for her going alone". That spells CONTROL to me.

 

[TLuvsD]

I agree that the OP's husband is not acting in a rational manner. He shouldn't have taken the money, there should be rational boundaries, he should not behave in this manner.

All of that being said, none of us has any way to know if this is a one time incident or an ongoing pattern. If, as the OP states, it's a one time incident, going to WDW at this point is only going to cause more anguish. It seems far better to take some time to think and plan for the future. Really think about boundaries, about his behavior, talk to the pastor or the counselor, make an actual plan for the future. That future could include a more reasonable husband or could include being on her own. It definately should include separate business finances from personal finances (both his family and her business), establishing family boundaries, and real conversations about priorities.

There are plenty of ways to make it clear that this behavior is out of line, and will be a deal breaker, without taking a trip to WDW. It is possible that her DH is also disappointed and unhappy about cancelling the trip. He feels caught and defensive. And you cannot communicate with a person who feels that way. Resolving the "big stuff" is far more important than taking the trip.

 

[hentob]

There is a big difference in:

"No I dont want you to go by yourself cause its our anniversary trip. How about we get out the calendar and find another time when we can go, just the 2 of us with no interference?"

and...

"No you cant go and you are being very selfish for wanting to go without me."

Perfectly stated.

 

[hentob]

All of that being said, none of us has any way to know if this is a one time incident or an ongoing pattern.

Well, he did not wake up the next morning mortified and apologizing to the OP

It wasn’t just a “moment”.

I would say it is ongoing.

 

[Eliza32]

Anyone noticed that the OP has stopped posting. Hope she's OK

 

[C.Ann]

I agree that the OP's husband is not acting in a rational manner. He shouldn't have taken the money, there should be rational boundaries, he should not behave in this manner.

All of that being said, none of us has any way to know if this is a one time incident or an ongoing pattern. If, as the OP states, it's a one time incident, going to WDW at this point is only going to cause more anguish. It seems far better to take some time to think and plan for the future. Really think about boundaries, about his behavior, talk to the pastor or the counselor, make an actual plan for the future. That future could include a more reasonable husband or could include being on her own. It definately should include separate business finances from personal finances (both his family and her business), establishing family boundaries, and real conversations about priorities.

There are plenty of ways to make it clear that this behavior is out of line, and will be a deal breaker, without taking a trip to WDW. It is possible that her DH is also disappointed and unhappy about cancelling the trip. He feels caught and defensive. And you cannot communicate with a person who feels that way. Resolving the "big stuff" is far more important than taking the trip.

I pretty much agree with everything you have said..

And - I'm also hoping and praying that the OP doesn't follow some of the suggestions here that could very well mean the end of her marriage - since we obviously don't know every little detail of her life - and we're just a bunch of nameless, faceless people shooting from the hip on a message board..

Food for thought? Yes.. Acting on some of these suggestions? No so much..

OP: If you read this thread again, remember that this is your marriage and your husband.. Only you know the entire story and only you can decide what to do or not do..

Good luck!

 

[mommytobug]

My husband works for a family business. My mother in law was wonderful when we first met-and i let her make my decisions. As i got older and wiser, and did not give a harry hoo what she thought, we grew distance. I HATE that my husband works there. They work all the time, 6 days a week. My mil is a martyr, and it drives me insane. You made the choice to have this business so get over it. I chose to work for someone else and have really good benefits. That was my choice. There are "business" things discussed without me. This used to hurt my feelings but hey i dont work there so I guess they dont think I should know. I schedule trips and she gets mad usually. There are certain times of the year we really dont need to travel due to the amount of business they do. I respect that and try to plan at other times of the year. I am working HARD to get things paid off because I want to move away from it. My sweet husband doesnt think i can get it done but he needs to sit back and watch. They tell us he has "part ownership" but like a financial planner told us at one time, that is only for their gain in taxes. They think we will stay and run that business. I just want my husband to be happy. If he is happy there, then that is where he should be. That said, i have taken many trips without him to the beach, Chicago, etc. He has never missed a Disney trip. That said, you are really putting up with too much. Let them build the house. How is that helpful to you? Yes, he should help if he has time, but not take away from his own family. You have to come first. You should be able to travel without him. We are also church going people and i respect my husband as leader of my home but he would never even go there with me.

I hate to say this but is there any chance there is someone else? Is it a small town? Has he been working more than usual lately?