I am beyond livid at the teacher

[Erin1700]

No, I didnt tell the mom that my DD did the telling.

The teacher ran into this mom at the supermarket and told her, so she could not have read the email to her. I also have a problem with the teacher discussing my kid out in public.
More children were told by the bully not to tell, and since my DD is "friends" with the bully, she would be the last person you would expect.
This family is one of those cases where I like talking with the mom, but dread her children. She thinks they are so good and they are wild and nasty.

 

[happygirl]

No, I didnt tell the mom that my DD did the telling.

The teacher ran into this mom at the supermarket and told her, so she could not have read the email to her. I also have a problem with the teacher discussing my kid out in public.
More children were told by the bully not to tell, and since my DD is "friends" with the bully, she would be the last person you would expect.
This family is one of those cases where I like talking with the mom, but dread her children. She thinks they are so good and they are wild and nasty.

I guess next time handle it yourself. You knew of the problem but passed it off to the teacher.

 

[Disney Doll]

I also wouldn't be so sure that the teacher told. I would ask the mother of the bully if she wouldn't mind forwarding the email to you since your daughter is now involved. If she demurs, then that's a red flag that she's making it up.

If she won't let you see the letter, I would say something back to her like, I'm sure the teacher is mistaken, my daughter was not involved.

Actually, if it were me in the situation, I'd say "honey, your kid has some issues. We all know it, we've all seen it, we're trying to help you here but you have to understand that your kid is making other kids miserable, and if you don't seek help for her she's eventually going to be ostrasized, as will you, since nobody wants their child to hang out with your child. I understand that this isn't my fight and that my daughter was not directly involved, however she was standing up for the victim. I appreciate your concern about what is happening, and I am happy to meet with you, the teacher, the VICTIM, and your daughter and I'm sure we can work this all out amicably."

At which point she'll run because she doesn't want to face the fact that she's got a kid with behavioral problems. But at least you're not longer on the defensive. It's REALLY challenging to use the words above with people like that, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

I know.

I like this idea. The mom thinks her kid is "practical joking"??? The mom is wrong. And she needs to know it. If the teacher is discussing things in public about your child after a specific request not to do so, then I'd also speak to the teacher.

 

[luvsJack]

I guess next time handle it yourself. You knew of the problem but passed it off to the teacher.

It happened at school; it is the responsibility of the teacher. She didn't pass off anything.

 

[taylor3297]

As a teacher, please contact the teacher first and express your concerns. This would give you both sides of the picture.

 

[sbell111]

My child witnessed someone being bullied. The bully told my child not to tell. We know the bully quite well. I told my DD that I could not call this girls mother as it happened at school and not home.
My DD decided to email the teacher about it. Teacher responds that she will take care of it and not tell how she found out.

I don't understand why you didn't call the girl's mother or the teacher.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The teacher could have given every single specific.... except the name.

EX. Hello, Ms.Bully'sMom, This is Bullies Teacher. I am calling you because I just received an email that states: >>>>>>>>>>>>"

Sometimes it is just obvious who told.

I was caught in a similar situation once, where a teacher tried to make a case against me and call me into the principal's office for NO reason by saying... "Another parent said that you said....." Talk about inappropriate action on a teachers part!!!! Now, it was just 'obvious' who they were alleging said what. I firmly believed their claim... Until I spoke to that other parent. Mom of a friend of my son, who lives a block or so away.... She SWORE that she never make any such comment to the teacher. She vehemently SWORE that she didn't. To this day, I don't know if the teacher made this all up on obvious assumption, or this aquaintance did, somehow, let some questionable comment slip that the teacher twisted into a complete untruth. I will never know.

In any case, I think it would have to be a very serious violation where the kid who was bullied safety was at risk before I would go after the fact try to 'tell'.

I am very very very strongly antibully!!!!!!!!
I hate it when teachers do not take things seriously and tell the kids that if they 'tell' they are just 'tattletales'.

I would hate for your daughter to be brushed of as a tattle tale because this seems a bit close to that line.

 

[Erin1700]

Not sure how clearly I made this part, but both the bully and the bullied are friends with my DD. This happened only at school so I really felt it was not appropriate to call the mom outside of school.
As for the practical jokes, being a in second grade and having a classmate put ice in your back pocket, for it to melt and the kids to laugh that you wet yourself, is not funny. This is just one example of this girls "jokes". I firmly believe that letting a child get away with this esp at this age, is setting this kid up to dream up "better jokes" later. This now, what later??

 

[ajk912]

I would ABSOLUTELY call the mom since it sounds like you know her. In fact, I have done it before.

"Hey, X, how are you? I keep hearing how X and X haven't been getting along on the playground lately. Have you heard about it at all? I was wondering if you could talk to X and tell her that X really doesn't like the practical jokes. They are really scaring her, actually. I wanted to call you, instead of dragging the teacher into this..I was thinking that if you talked to X hopefully the practical jokes would stop."

Hopefully..the mom is embarrassed and talks to the kid. I know when this happened to us, I called that mom up pronto and this is how we resolved it. Now, I know this doesn't always work. But it did work in my case, for 2nd grade bullying.

 

[declansdad]

No, I didnt tell the mom that my DD did the telling.

The teacher ran into this mom at the supermarket and told her, so she could not have read the email to her. I also have a problem with the teacher discussing my kid out in public.
More children were told by the bully not to tell, and since my DD is "friends" with the bully, she would be the last person you would expect.
This family is one of those cases where I like talking with the mom, but dread her children. She thinks they are so good and they are wild and nasty.

Without talking to the teacher, you have no way of knowing exactly what has happened. Please call the teacher.

 

[declansdad]

I thought maybe the Mom was just bluffing as well since the bully told your DD not to tell but after your second post I think I'd email the teacher and ask her about it to see what her side of the story is.......

And then I'd send a nice email to the principal expressing your concerns and forward the email between you and the teacher. Let the teacher see how it feels to be thrown under the bus.

I agree there's no point in telling kids to come forward when they encounter bullying if they have to worry about retribution. The bully's Mom should be talking to her own kid about their actions and definately NOT calling you.

You counsel the op to talk to the teacher and then you tell her to "throw the teacher under the bus."

Amazing.... just amazing.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

It happened at school; it is the responsibility of the teacher. She didn't pass off anything.

That's just geography.

My kids are always ultimately my responsibility, no matter where they are or who is watching them.

I wouldn't fob this incident off on the teacher, I'd be the big mean bazooka standing at her side (or pointing at her, depending upon whether or not she blabbed when I requested that she not do so) .

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, obviously, until the OP talks to the teacher, the truth will never be known. Believe it or not, as others have stated, it is usually SOOOOO easy to know who told, just from a minor detail or two.

I stand by my original post when I say that, at this point, to be telling the teacher after the fact, something that is not truly physically threatening... but the old 'ice' thing.... would be considered by most people to be tattling.

Unless 'bully' did something directly to the OP's daughter.
Or, unless the bully did something that involved physical contact or threat to another student (like the boy actually shoving another child OFF the slide on another recent thread) I don't see that this is the big incident that would warrant 'telling'.

Why is the OP's daughter even considered a 'friend' of the bully???

Was the OP's daughter involved???

Was she personally bullied, or somehow complicit in the bullying???

To be honest, I am thinking that OP's daughter is in a tiff with the bully, is looking to tattle just to try to get bully in trouble. Why else, all of the sudden, her absolute determination to email the teacher.

To any unanswered questions here.

NEVERTHELESS: Now that the OP and her daughter are involved... And they are receiving phone calls from Ms.Bully, it is now way beyond that, and I see more complex problems on their hands.

It sounds like the OP is way way too vested in this schoolgirl 'drama'.

It sounds like the OP is looking in the wrong direction if she is 'absolutely livid' with the teacher, without having spoken to the teacher.

 

[Lanshark]

It sounds like the OP is looking in the wrong direction if she is 'absolutely livid' with the teacher, without having spoken to the teacher.

It has been stated numerous times (I've said it twice) that the OP should call the teacher. As a teacher, I would like the consideration of a phone call to explain my viewpoint. As a parent, I would want to hear that viewpoint. The teacher may have spilled the beans. If she did she was absolutely wrong. BUT... there are two, or three, sides to the story.

 

[Mickey527]

did anyone see the Ellen show today? I don't knw if it was a repeat because I don't get to watch it regularly but she had a mother who's son committed suicide because he had been bullied in school that day. Apparently the bully told the boy he would kill him. the boy came home and told his mom who said on the show she had planned to take the boy to the PTO meeting that night to find out what had happened. Whether she told the boy I didn't hear. She went in the room to get the boy and found him dead.
I did get bullied when I was in school many many many years ago and know how helpless I felt. We moved alot and I would try to make friends but then we would move again. The nuns knew but did nothing and I was too quiet to go home and tell my mother. I still remember how mean those girls were to me.
As Ellen said, We should all do what we can to stop the bullies.

 

[Cool-Beans]

The only way to keep yourself out of things is to stay out of them in the first place.

"If you want to get involved, you may turn out to BE involved" is not a bad lesson for your child to learn. "You can't count on people you don't know well to keep your secrets" is another good lesson.

I'm wondering if teacher actually blabbed that it was your kid who blabbed or if the parent heard from their kid that your child was the likely suspect.

In any event, your child will now have to have the courage of her convictions and say, "Yeah, it was me." Not a bad thing, either.

And in two years, none of you will care at all about any of it. So, take a deep breath, relax and try to let it go.

 

[laurie31]

The only way to keep yourself out of things is to stay out of them in the first place.

"If you want to get involved, you may turn out to BE involved" is not a bad lesson for your child to learn. "You can't count on people you don't know well to keep your secrets" is another good lesson.

I'm wondering if teacher actually blabbed that it was your kid who blabbed or if the parent heard from their kid that your child was the likely suspect.

In any event, your child will now have to have the courage of her convictions and say, "Yeah, it was me." Not a bad thing, either.

And in two years, none of you will care at all about any of it. So, take a deep breath, relax and try to let it go.

I disagree. I'll bet when the bullied child is 40, she'll still remember the humiliation of being made fun of for "wetting her pants" in second grade.

I'm surprised at the people who think the OP's daughter shouldn't have gotten involved because she wasn't the victim. The fact that the bully told her not to tell says to me that kid KNOWS she's doing wrong and is getting away with it. Plus, what kind of a lesson is that to teach your kid - to stand by while other people are hurt and do nothing because it doesn't directly involve them. Ask not for whom the bell tolls...

Hopefully, decades from now, when the bullied child remembers her torment, she will also remember that the OP's DD stood up for her.

Add me to the "get the teacher's side" camp, though. I'll be hoping for an update!

 

[luvsJack]

That's just geography.

My kids are always ultimately my responsibility, no matter where they are or who is watching them.

I wouldn't fob this incident off on the teacher, I'd be the big mean bazooka standing at her side (or pointing at her, depending upon whether or not she blabbed when I requested that she not do so) .

Oh, I agree that someone's kids are always thier responsiblity. But the original incident was something her daughter witnessed not something she was a part of.

It is ultimatlely the school's responsibitly to make sure children can attend school in a safe environment. And this teacher took away a bit of this safety if she did tell the op's child's name.

They did the right thing by reporting what was witnessed. That was all that should have been necessary to do and the op, herself, had no reason to get involved at all.

A teacher should have been able to address this situation to the parent without ever saying that anyone told her. She should have been able to go to the parent and say as though she witnessed it herself or that maybe its second or third hand information (as in the victim told someone) or how about that the victim's parent had contacted her. Actually, the correct thing to have done would have been to contact the victim's parent first. Then someone witnessing the action should have never needed to be brought up.

 

[luvsJack]

Well, obviously, until the OP talks to the teacher, the truth will never be known. Believe it or not, as others have stated, it is usually SOOOOO easy to know who told, just from a minor detail or two.

I stand by my original post when I say that, at this point, to be telling the teacher after the fact, something that is not truly physically threatening... but the old 'ice' thing.... would be considered by most people to be tattling.
Unless 'bully' did something directly to the OP's daughter.
Or, unless the bully did something that involved physical contact or threat to another student (like the boy actually shoving another child OFF the slide on another recent thread) I don't see that this is the big incident that would warrant 'telling'.

Why is the OP's daughter even considered a 'friend' of the bully???

Was the OP's daughter involved???

Was she personally bullied, or somehow complicit in the bullying???

To be honest, I am thinking that OP's daughter is in a tiff with the bully, is looking to tattle just to try to get bully in trouble. Why else, all of the sudden, her absolute determination to email the teacher.

To any unanswered questions here.

NEVERTHELESS: Now that the OP and her daughter are involved... And they are receiving phone calls from Ms.Bully, it is now way beyond that, and I see more complex problems on their hands.

It sounds like the OP is way way too vested in this schoolgirl 'drama'.

It sounds like the OP is looking in the wrong direction if she is 'absolutely livid' with the teacher, without having spoken to the teacher.

To the bolded part: BULL!! That is bullying by one child to another and most certainly is not something that should be considered "tattling"! Humilating another person is just as much bullying as physically hitting them! In fact most of the time the worst part of bullying is humilation. Sometimes much harder to get past than a few bruises (just like verbal abuse to a child by a parent).

I'm sorry but I don't disagree with the OP; I think she has every right to be livid. In this day and age of really tragic things happening from bullying--the teacher should have handled this in a totally different manner. Besides, where exactly was the teacher when this kid had wet pants? You would think she would have at least noticed it. I would ask the teacher for her side but I would certainly let her know that I think she didn't handle it correctly and that I expect her to make sure my child does not become the victim of this kid.

 

[Erin1700]

OP here...
not quite sure where you guys feel I got involved inappropriately. The mom called ME after meeting the teacher in the store. Of course the mom continues to say it was all a practical joke and that now here DD had the end of the year ruined. Well, what about the little girl with the wet pants?? what about the other kids who were targeted?

UPDATE...the teacher DID indeed tell the mom that it was my kid who sent her an email. Teacher claims she thought the mom knew????? HELLO! But let's be realistic, accidents happen. If she really did ACCIDENTLY let it slip, that would be one thing. But to stand in the middle of the store and gossip with the mom about whether or not my kid could have emailed alone and say she was surprised my DD tattled b/c she doesnt normally...IS WRONG!! And to stand by the fact that the bully was just trying to be funny, is a slap in the face to the little girl who was bullied.
Not sure what will be done about it. Teacher claims she LOVES DD. DH said if she did she wouldnt have thrown her under the bus! I believe he is on the phone with the principal as I type. I will let all of you know the outcome.