Husband may have BPD, need advice

[happydismama]

Hello, I am a long time lurker and have not posted here before but have been a follower of disboards for many years. I am reaching out now for some help advice and prayers to anyone with a listening ear.

First, a little background, my husband and I have been married happily for 15 years. We have five children, three boys and two girls. We live in North Carolina.

I have been doing some research, and I am concerned my husband might have Borderline Personality Disorder or something like it. I took the quiz for him located at (can't post the link but just google bpd demystified test) and so many of the symptoms sound like exactly what we go though.

My husband has always been prone to a little bit of depression, but lately it seems to have gone past just depression, into almost what I might describe as paranoia. We argue a lot more and almost always it is about my attentions going to some other man, he seems to have convinced himself that I have, or am going to cheat on him. I love him with all my heart and would never even consider doing that to him.

My concern is that he will not even consider that he might have a problem, so many of his concerns are so real to him. When I try to talk to him about it, it almost always ends up in an argument. He blames me for not being able to see how much I love him. Maybe I am lacking in some way.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can approach this subject? Maybe he doesn't even have this condition, I have only read about it, but it is like reading a diary. I do love my husband so much, he is such a good father to our children, and such a good husband to me. He just seems to have this thing in his head he can't clear and I want to help him if I can. I really just want him to be the man he used to be. The man he still is sometimes before he started to live in what seems like constant fear.

 

[lizziegirl450]

I just completed my bachelors degree in Psychology so I know some about BPD, but definitely not enough to truly help in a profound way.

What I can say is that people with personality disorders have been the way they are their whole lives. It's not really a coming-and-going or developing-after-time kind of disorder. It does sound like something is up with your husband, but honestly only a licensed psychiatrist can diagnose him.

It's very hard to get people to go to therapy if they don't want to, and even if they're there they tend to be combative and nothing will work. I think maybe you should go to therapy instead. Not only could you get tips on how to breech the subject with him, but you can get tips for yourself on how to handle his sudden change. Plus, it never hurts to go talk to people to vent.

I wish you and your family the best in this hard time, and I hope you find a solution.

 

[mommasita]

That sounds like a rough situation. I am sorry you are going through this.

Can you possibly make an appointment with a family Dr to begin with? He may be able to point you in the right direction for therapy.

 

[MomiTo2SwtGuys]

Sorry you are going through this. Hopefully he can get the medical attention he needs. Prayers for your family.

 

[BelleMaria]

Dealing with mental illness ( or possible mental illness) is always hard. It doesn't seem like you have really brought up the idea to your husband yet? I think that you should just calmly sit down your husband and let him know that you're just worried about him, that you see the stress lately and ask how he would feel going to speak with someone about it.

In my experience men usually aren't the first ones (or anyone for that matter) to jump at the chance to go speak about their "feelings" or "issues". Normally it takes something quite large for them to realize themselves that there is something going on. Also you obviously don't have to answer me on this board, but it might be good to question yourself. Is there mental illness in his family? How long has this really been going on? Has he been drinking or anything else lately that could be changing his mood?

It is always best to try and nip this stuff in the bud ASAP ( is possible). I know in my experience someone I know went through similar situations for years and I always let them off the hook per say. They would be bad for a week and then would level and I would forget how sick they really were and make excuses for them "well they are stressed" or "he's getting better". Only later did I realize I was going them a disservice when he ultimately got worse and worse. Now thank goodness he is getting the help he needs and feeling a million times better. Sometimes the people who are sick do not realize quite how sick they are.

Also like the other poster said I am not a doctor, just someone familiar with mental illness and believe that if you truly believe there is a problem seek out a medical professional.