Huge Vent - Enter At Your Own Risk

[Disney Doll]

Well, if you can't afford to pay someone to watch your children and your MIL is unwilling to listen to your point of view, then I guess you suck it up and feed the kids healthy all the time and assume they get enough crap at MIL's.

You can't change her and your financial situation doesn't allow you to change caregivers. So, the kids get junk.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Well, you can try to train the kids not to take the junk. Might work if you have a weekly goal and a chart at home. Send healthy snacks in their back packs. Tell them if they don't eat the junk they can earn something fun. It doesn't have to be toys or such. The goal could be a fun experience, (craft, sleepover or play date, going to a neat place they like ---park, special playground). Don't know if it would work, but it would be worth a try.

I know you said the cupcake for breakfast was a special, once in a blue moon thing. But, you might not want to have a treat like that as a meal. MIL grabbed it and ran with it. Don't give her any more ammo to sabotage you.

It does sound like you are in a pickle.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

OP - I really do feel your pain as my MIL is the same way! She even has diabetes too. She was over 300 lbs (I believe) but she had a major bleeding ulcer recently and had to basically have what equated to a gastric bypass because they had to remove most of her stomach. Then she had to be in the hospital for like 2 months because she refused to stop eating like she did before so she kept vomiting. I guess she finally "got it" because DH saw her last weekend and said she has lost 80 pounds (in 2 months).

 

[smidgy]

Sharpmomoftwo:.... call her bluff!

I say this AS a Grandma, and from the other point of view.

we let our grown son come back to live with us, as he is going through a divorce. he has our grandson ..4.. every other weekend. yes, he pays rent, but it is really helping him out.

In our case, it is smoking. now, both he and his ex smoke, but not around our grandson. and they didn't smoke in the house. we were not smoking "around him" but still when he wasn't in the room. well, smoke lingers....

Our son told us outright that he knew we were doing him a favor, letting him live here cheaply, AND adjusting our lifestyle to having a 4 year old in our townhouse ALL weekend, every other weekend.... still... he has to do what is best for his son..his ex was complaining that the boy was coming home smelling like smoke. and if we smoke in the house when the child is there (even though it is OUR house, and he understands we can do what we want in OUR house) he will bring the boy over to our other son's house every other weekend. (who had agreed, and smokes, but doesn't smoke in HIS house)

LET ME TELL YOU! knowing that I, as a grandma, would miss out on the time with my grandson... no choice at all! now, when he is over, we smoke outside, or in our bedroom with the door closed.

Yes, it's OUR house. yes, we're doing our son a big favor by letting him live here. but...he acknowledged that.. and said he STILL had to do what is best for his son's health.

SO... pretend you have "other" child care arrangements (in the best interest of your children's health). yes, they are doing you a favor by watching them for free. but you still have to do what's best for your kids. and if they continue to feed them unhealthy snacks (and you can provide healthy snacks),you will have to take them elsewhere. ... I think you will be surprised if, instead of asking them, you TELL them the consequenses of not abiding by your wishes... how soon MIL might turn around.

I'm willing to bet your MIL does NOT want to give up the "favor" of free child care (just like I didn't want to give up having my grandson "imposing" on us every other weekend)

 

[JerseyMamaBear]

Congrats on all of your weight loss and for wanting to teach your children healthy eating habits. I did ww too before I got pregnant and lost a lot of weight and loved it! As far as your mil goes, while she is watching your children for free, that does not mean she can do what ever she pleases. Sure, you have to over look a few things here and there but not where their health is concerned. It obesity is a family issue as well as other health conditions you have every right to tell her to stop it. It would be simular to her smoking in front of the kids, it is not healthy for any of them.
PLease keep up the great work and try not to let her jealous comments about your weight loss discourage you.

 

[luvsJack]

Congrats on your weight loss!! I am soo struggling to get this losing thing off the ground again. I lost a lot of weight several years ago and was almost at goal, but I have gained most of it back and am trying to take it back off. All of that to say, I know exactly where you are coming from. I have an 11 year old daughter that I am so afraid has inherited my "fat" genes (so far, she is just the right size but I still worry). So I really do understand.

My advice is this though, be very careful of limiting your kids foods to the other extreme. Being extremely limiting to a child is just going to make them want that "forbidden fruit" more and more. And sounds like it makes grandma more determined to give it to them.

Having a treat everyday is not going to make a child fat. Having nothing but junk and no exercise will. With my daughter, I don't harp on what she eats, I do make sure she get plenty of exercise. Since I need to exercise to lose weight, I include her. While I walk, she rides her bike and we swim together. Plus she takes dance, plays basketball and softball. I realize a 3 and 4 year old cannot do all this but having some outside play time with you after work, running and jumping should work off some of those "treats" grandma gives them. From my own experience in weight loss, exercise is the biggest factor.

As for talking to your mil, I would try to come to a compromise. 1 treat a day and then only fruit or whatever? At least she would still feel like she has some control and you will be able to control how many treats the kids get during the day.

 

[Caradana]

A few thoughts,

1) you probably have a year or two before your oldest is fundamentally internalizing food lessons and developing memories she will take with her into adulthood. Use this time to SAVE MONEY. You don't have to drop everything to go into poverty to stay home now. You do now have a phenomenal motivation to save up and plan for a year or two from now. Keep your eyes on the prize.

2) You aren't going to change them.

3) See (2). Period. At all. No motivation to change, and persisting in asking them to change is to force them to acknowledge an issue that their identities CANNOT ACCEPT. There will be no changing, so you might as well bide your time.

4) If you ask again, your MIL is going to take great pleasure in feeding your daughter Carvel for breakfast. It will become her little "[insert curse word of your choosing] you" to the person, you, who made her "feel bad" and "didn't understand."

5) If your kids stay with your in-laws for day care when they're 8, 9, 10 and so on, they will probably end up overweight, unless they're metabolically blessed (I married someone metabolically blessed - I know how unfair it can feel, ha. My 6'1" DH eats six huge meals a day to maintain 180 lbs. of muscle). By probably, I mean ... very, very likely. If this is huge for you as a priority, you need to make a plan now.

Be the mama with the plan. (kids love it)

 

[PaulaSue]

I know how you feel! I was heavy all my life and just a few years ago lost 65 lbs to finally have a healthy BMI. I yell at my parents and ILS all the time because they do the same thing to my girls all the time.

Congrats on your weight loss and changing your life and your kids future!

 

[jwhtewolfd]

Please don't teach that attitude to your children. That's as big a no-no as feeding them junk.

Congrats on your weight loss!! ...My advice is this though, be very careful of limiting your kids foods to the other extreme. Being extremely limiting to a child is just going to make them want that "forbidden fruit" more and more. And sounds like it makes grandma more determined to give it to them.

Agree and agree. First of all, congrats on your weight loss, and I admire your will power. Second, please make sure that when you teach your kids about healthy eating, your focus is 100% HEALTHY, not skinny, fat, over/under eating, over/under weight, etc. I'd hate to see this turn on you in the form of an eating disorder later on. I'm sure you have considered this, but I just wanted to throw it out there in case. Yes, eat healthy, but you can also enjoy a guilt-free mickey bar at WDW (but that doesn't mean you have to eat dessert every night either).

As for MIL, is there anything else she enjoys that she can involve the kids in? Does she do any crafts, scrapbooking, cooking (healthy!), reading, play cards, etc? My very favorite memory of my grandpa was that he would read us The Night Before Christmas all year long. That was his book for us. My DBF often tells me how fondly he remembers learning to cook with his grandmother. Something special that they can always remember her by and associate with the quality time she spent with them, and know how much she loved them b/c they shared that activity.

Or if she can't incorporate them into her hobbies, what about some other form of treat, non-edible. Trinket toys, a new bottle of bubbles, sidewalk chalk, money (silver coins are always exciting), etc. I guess that would spoil them with "stuff," but she can still treat them without sabotaging what you're trying to accomplish.

 

[NHdisneylover]

as the PP said--your in laws can create plenty of good memories and provide treats without food being involved. HELP your in laws (in a nice way) to see that. Give them some ideas of special things to do with you children. Also, when they do something the kids enjoy that does not relate to food make sure they know it: "Wow, Susie loved working in the garden with you last week--she talked about it all weekend. I am so glad she can do that with you because we do not garden so that is one thing only YOU can do with her and she just adores it." or "Did you know Jane has all the silver dollars you have ever given her in a special box in her room? She had them out again yesterday lining them up and talking aout her special "gandma money." It is so nice of you to create such a special memory for her."

We talk a lot about everything with the kids at my house--nutrition included. Our general rule of thumb is treats are great in limited quantities and one treat a day is about perfect to enjoy yourself and have fun but still be healthy. I would model that--we'd be getting ice cream and DH would ask what kind I wanted and I would say "I already had a coke today so no more trets but thanks" or whatever. Or, when one of the kids asked for an ice cream cone in teh afternoon I would tell them they could have it, but I was planning on making a cake for dessert after dinner and then they would have alreayd had their treat for the day and could not have cake (sometimes they would prefer cake sometimes the ice cream), etc. I never made a huge issue out of it--it just "was" I NEVER expected that teh kids would limit themselves at a friend's house but it turned out they do. Even at 4 DS used to bring wrapped candies, etc. home from a party because he had the cake and that was laready a treat. On several occasions parents told me my kids turned down cookies or soem otehr thing becuase they had already had too much sugar that day. I was just as stunned as the other parents were (seriously--I probably would have eaten the treat in their shoes). Anyway, all taht is to say that the kids are probably more capable of making good descions even at the ages of 3 and 4 than you would expect if you inform then (in an age appropriate manner) of how to do so. Who knows, maybe your kids will start to teach their grandmother proper nutrition!

Good luck and congrats on your weight loss.

 

[IDoDis]

Congratulations on losing so much weight! That is a HUGE accomplishment that you should be very proud of!

It sounds like your in-laws aren't going to change their ways in the long-term. They might ease off after today's discussion, but their attitude & perceptions are so different from yours that it won't be long before they are back to the numerous treats.

Given that you can't afford a paid daycare provider, nor quit your job, would it be possible to enroll your kids in some type of sport to keep them at a healthy weight? I realize your options are not great for toddler sports, but there is always gymnastics/tumbling, ballet, ice skating, etc.. Or, your family could go out for evening bike rides or walks. Chances are that your girls may not be getting enough exercise during the day either if they aren't around other kids their ages.

Maybe your DH and his mom could come to a happy medium where she would agree to cut back on one snack per day, but be allowed to choose the snacks she gives. Keep in mind that some kids can eat snacks all day long and still be skinny as sticks, while others may genetically be prone to gaining weight easily.

DS's school does a physical fitness chart twice a year for 6 weeks as part of the physical ed program. We fill in a chart each night where DS gets points for things like participating in a sport, working out with mom or dad, not drinking any sugary drinks, eating from all food groups, not watching TV/playing video games, etc... We add up his daily points each week and then he turns the form in. He receives a "toe token" which is a little foot that gets added to his chain/necklace. The kids at school collect the various colored toe tokens each week and win prizes at the end of the 6 weeks. Maybe you could set up a little chart at home with some basic things like that and give your girls stickers that they could trade in for prizes. Make saying no to grandma's endless goodies into something fun.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Don't take offense to this however I am speaking as a thin person and maybe you can take something away from this.

We eat junk here. My girls are 18 and 12 now. They are thin and no we are not really athletic here either.

I will admit that I teach basic nutrition to my kids even though they may not follow it all the time. That kind of rubs off to making healthy eating choices, which will include saying no to Grandma at all ages on their own.

I guess what I am saying is to educate your kids age appropriately, considering your situation.

Are your children overweight now? Is there an immediate problem? That is a little more serious than if you are venting on the loss of control at Grandma's house.

And while it will offend your parents I will say that if you have an immediate concern with their weight and all of their food choices, I would send them in healthier snacks.

In fact I would offer to bring them groceries for them in repayment for the childcare. Try and work it so you are contributing to their grocery bill as a thank you for watching the kids.

Try and work another angle here.

Or you could have the kids pack "their lunch" in their "special lunch box" like a "big kid". And then have them bring their "special snacks".

 

[disneyismyname]

First off, Congrats on the loss! Your doing a great job!!
I agree with you about what YOU feel is best for the children to eat when not in your care. But...I do have a story about going too far to when it comes to kid's food and exercise habits.
My cousins mother is obese. Lovely woman..and so funny! But my cousin never wanted to look like her mother..so she's like pencil thin, its almost scary. Her 3 girls had to go by the diet their mom made for them and they had to run 1 mile or more a day till they left the house at 18. Now, the girls are bigger than ever..and I believe it was the restriction their mother gave them as children.

 

[C.Ann]

Congrats on your tremendous weight loss! I know it was really hard work and you should be very proud of yourself..

I'm sorry you had such a horrible childhood.. I can understand why you wouldn't want your own children to go through that..

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Can you make alternative arrangements and not allow visits without either you or your husband.

They won't stop b/c they know that they don't have to listen to you.

But if their visitation is at risk--they have the option to be compliant with your parenting wishes or not see their grandchildren again.


A 3 and 4 yo as young as they aren't will not be able to say no to grandma and grandpa. Your children are too young to be entrusted with the self discipline to refuse these treats in the best of circumstances. I do not agree with letting it slide if your children go over there often and are loved with PURE CRAP.

But as soon as you can--you've got to change this scenario. Your parents are abusing your children AND you by ignoring your requests. There must be consequences for their negative behavior. B/c right now--all they get is positive reinforcement that you aren't capable of doing a darn thing due to your circumstances and they can continue feeding whatever they like to your kids.

 

[Chancedabowsa]

Just put your foot down and be firm, no treats.

The kids have a set menu established by you.

AM snack - graham crackers or cheerios, fruit , and milk or juice

Lunch - 1/2 sandwich, fruit, string cheese stick or small yogurt cup.

PM snack - nutragrain bar /juice, or baby carrots / light ranch dressing, or gold fish cracker things and fruit juice.

Tell them no cookies, candy, ice creams, cakes, fast food. Any exceptions must be approved in advance by you or hubby. Ask them not to call for exceptions too often as you have a job to do and shouldn't be fielding these type of calls. There are very few food emergencies. LOL

Ask for their help / support and buy in to the way you are trying to raise your kids.

Explain that food is not the only way to show love. Taking a walk together, going to the park, giving the kid a sticker, reading a book, playing a board game, watching a dvd together are all ways to show love. Your kids need more time with them doing things than eating stuff with them. Those will be the memories. The kids need to be active , outside too.

If they will not get on board, then I suggest that you figure out how to fund a babysitter who will follow the rules. I really think you are trying to give your kids this great gift of health that they will reap the rewards and enjoy in their future. You may have to pay for that now , in the way of a sitter if necessary to give them that gift. YOu are doing a great job with yourself and in raising your kids. Don't give up and don't compromise. The kids health is important and think of how you would have loved to grow up and not have to have learned as an adult through weight watchers how to eat healthily. There is a cost to everything. It will be payed somewhere by someone. Why not now ? If it's needed , find a way to get promoted, work longer , or get a part time job or biz going so you can afford better food and sitters who will help you. Good Luck!

 

[FireDancer]

First congratulations on the weight loss. Have you checked out the WISH boards? There is a lot of good advice there about healthy lifestyles and I'm sure there are many with the same problems as you.

I also think it is great that you take responsibility for you health and realized what you did wrong health wise and are correcting it. I think it is abuse to allow children to get obese and is just as bad as physical or mental abuse. I think it is terrible that anyone giving care to your child doesn't adhere by your wishers. I dated a girl once with two children and all 3 of them were vegitarians. If I was giving any food to their kids I honored how she ate even though I am not a vegitarian and her parents and other friends did the same. You are 100% that food doesn't equal love, and that is coming from someone 50% Sicilian.

I agree with others that it is important not to dwell on fat or skinny with the kids but on health. If you start from scratch it is easier because it is all they know but it is never too late to start. My first piece of advise is not to have anything in the house that you don't want to eat. Hopefully your spouse is on board with this because the best way to derail a healthy lifestyle (never ever say diet) is to have one person in the house living the opposite way. Having that temptation around makes it harder for you and tempting for the kids. I would learn to read labels and know what to look out for. I don't mean just the grams of fat/carbs/protein, but every ingredient. Once you know what you are putting into your body you can make much better decisions. There are plenty of places on the web to get good answers.

I would sit down with you mom and explain why it is you feel the way you do. That it isn't about the vanity or what your kids look like or to make her out to be the bad guy because she can't give the kids hoho's and ice cream for dinner. It is because parenting (and grand parenting) is hard and you have to make the best decisions for their physical and mental health and not make decisions based on what will cause the least amount of resistance from the kids. I wish that last part was communicated to my father about 30 years ago.

Good luck, with determination you will succeed, healthy people are kind of stubborn like that.