Hubby vent-update page 13, post #189

[luvsJack]

Uhh...hyperbole. It sounds like something he may have said in an argument and she's being sarcastic. "Yeah. I can do that. 4 miles there and 4 miles back."

If I had been in that kind of an argument with my parents (when I was younger) or my DH, and it had gone so far as considering an 8 mile walk each day to work, the argument would end with the optional intramural sports that are causing all the friction to go away.

How is that fair to the kids? Sounds like they work really hard at golf (especially her dd who has been playing since middle school). If it was golf vs food or shelter, then sure they could give up playing but just because Dad doesn't want to give up his car? Nope.

DS was a baseball player, as in ate, drank and slept baseball. There is no way in heck I would have made him give up playing over a car.

I think he is just used to her making it all work and that is what he expects her to continue to do. I would put it back on him to come up with a plan (and walking would NOT be it). Let him be the one responsible for making sure everyone gets where everyone is supposed to be.

 

[Hannathy]

I'll stick with thinking he's being extremely selfish and childish about the whole thing. Suck it up dad. The idea of your walking to and from work is too ridiculous.

It shows he's just reacting and not really thinking about it. Babyself, welcome to the car debate. LOL He needs to stop letting his babyself deal with this issue and start being adult about it.

I so agree with this!

Sorry it is time to get tough and say knock this sheep off and get your head out of your nether region and look at this logically and not emotionally.

we either need another car or you need to ride the bus a couple (and that is even more incredible, not even every day!) days a week or I quit. so you have 3 choices which is it?
And "none of the above is not an option"

And if you choose not to pick then the choice will be made for you.
there is no way as an adult if we could afford a car, and if he wouldn't take a bus that I wouldn't have a car. He can participate in the choice or not, his choice.

 

[Hannathy]

duplicate post

 

[Katy Belle]

You know what, NO, I won't drive him back and forth to work. That is an hour out of MY day that I don't need to spend driving him back and forth when there is a perfectly viable option for him. That adds to MY work day too. I guess I am tired of being the one that always has to bend on issues like this, he can bend just this once. The bus is really actually nice, it is like a charter bus with plush seats, free wi-fi (not that he would take a computer but he could), he could read or something on the ride. It isn't like he would be taking a yellow school bus.

Then it seems you will need to buy a car. He won't take the bus and you won't drive him to work. The kids won't quit golf. It is required that they drive the car pool. It seems we have come to a conclusion! If I were you I'd have a list of cars to look at ready tonight. I imagine he will come around. You said it wasn't a matter of affording it...he probably just hadn't come to terms with it yet. My DH is definitely like that. He doesn't think about things until its time to work them out! Good luck!

 

[castleview]

I got through to page 3 and realized that I am possibly the only poster who would not make her husband give up his car. He has worked hard, provided for the household (you have to and if he doesn't want to help the girls get a car, you can).

I think that the girls need to be responsible for their own car if they want one. My parents could have easily purchased me a car, but I learned responsibility etc with purchasing my own. Also, I think at that point you DH would agree to put them on the family insurance.

I do admit, I would not like that type of attitude from my husband, but I think I could understand at this point in our lives him not wanting to be the person on the bus, the girls should be.

Okay, I guess I need to go into hiding now.

No matter what does happen, I hope it works out positively for everyone in the family.

No you're not alone. If I could multi-quote, I'd be highlighting a lot of the things Pea-m-me is saying too. I'm in agreement with both of you.

 

[Mama-san]

Does this qualify as a "spouse bashing?" thread

But seriously he wants you to walk 8 miles to work everyday? That would be a major problem. That seems very odd to say the least.

I thought the same thing when I started reading this thread! I figured "They" would be out in force. I guess the respect factor doesn't come into effect when given the opportunity to talk about somebody elses husband!

FWIW, I don't have a problem with these type of threads.

 

[tlbwriter]

I got through to page 3 and realized that I am possibly the only poster who would not make her husband give up his car. He has worked hard, provided for the household (you have to and if he doesn't want to help the girls get a car, you can).

But it's not just that he doesn't want to give up his car. He also doesn't to provide a car for the kids. And his solution for the problem is to have his wife walk four miles to work and four miles back. He doesn't sound like a "provider" to me. A man who truly wants to provide for his family wouldn't insist that his wife walk four miles to work when it's within his power to spare her. A real provider, will make compromises to take care of his family's needs, instead of saying "No, I don't WANT to" like a toddler. To me, a real provider does more than just provide a paycheck. He provides care, and protection, and a good example.

I do admit, I would not like that type of attitude from my husband, but I think I could understand at this point in our lives him not wanting to be the person on the bus, the girls should be.

I do not believe the bus goes to the golf course.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I got through to page 3 and realized that I am possibly the only poster who would not make her husband give up his car. He has worked hard, provided for the household (you have to and if he doesn't want to help the girls get a car, you can).

I think that the girls need to be responsible for their own car if they want one. My parents could have easily purchased me a car, but I learned responsibility etc with purchasing my own. Also, I think at that point you DH would agree to put them on the family insurance.

I do admit, I would not like that type of attitude from my husband, but I think I could understand at this point in our lives him not wanting to be the person on the bus, the girls should be.

Okay, I guess I need to go into hiding now.

No matter what does happen, I hope it works out positively for everyone in the family.

No you're not alone. If I could multi-quote, I'd be highlighting a lot of the things Pea-m-me is saying too. I'm in agreement with both of you.

Ditto to both of you. I also believe it's unreasonable to expect the major bread-winner to make give up what small convenience he has just so the kids can go to their sporting events.

So, OP, what's the truth? Carly_Roach is assuming you are not really 4 miles from work, and is also assuming that you cannot afford to buy a 3rd car. Are either of these true?

I never said she doesn't work 4 miles from home. I said I doubted the DH was serious about her walking 8 miles a day. I presumed they couldn't buy a 3rd car because anyone who fights this much over what is an obvious solution probably can't afford that obvious solution.

I so agree with this!

Sorry it is time to get tough and say knock this sheep off and get your head out of your nether region and look at this logically and not emotionally.

we either need another car or you need to ride the bus a couple (and that is even more incredible, not even every day!) days a week or I quit. so you have 3 choices which is it?
And "none of the above is not an option"
And if you choose not to pick then the choice will be made for you.
there is no way as an adult if we could afford a car, and if he wouldn't take a bus that I wouldn't have a car. He can participate in the choice or not, his choice.

None of the above is always an option. So is walking away from the whole mess: unreasonable wife, spoiled kids, stress at work, stress at home, who needs that?

Unless these adults are chained at the house, none of the above is definitely on the table.

Then it seems you will need to buy a car. He won't take the bus and you won't drive him to work. The kids won't quit golf. It is required that they drive the car pool. It seems we have come to a conclusion! If I were you I'd have a list of cars to look at ready tonight. I imagine he will come around. You said it wasn't a matter of affording it...he probably just hadn't come to terms with it yet. My DH is definitely like that. He doesn't think about things until its time to work them out! Good luck!

Exactly. Now that I find out the OP has the money for a new car but doesn't want to spend it, this puts the whole drama-fest into a brand new light.

What I'm suspecting has happened is that the husband has said if anyone gets a new car it's him, so the wife is pulling the whole, "Vent to your friends so they'll tell you how awful he is and how reasonable you're being" because she doesn't want him to have a new car. Well, there are already enough people on this thread bashing the husband and hugging the poor, poor wife.

Bottom line:

• The kids can't figure out how to get themselves to practice and
• The wife won't allow the family to have a new car so the kids CAN get to practice, and
• The husband (who's starting to look more and more like a cuckholded man to me) refuses to be without transportation so the kids can drive themselves to practice, and
• The wife flat out refuses to drive her husband to work

Then the kids quit golf. Ipso facto, end of problem.

Stop whining and let your DH get a newer, more fuel efficient car. The old junker that the kids use can be parked outside. Yes, even in MN. People do it all the time.

 

[Carly_Roach]

But it's not just that he doesn't want to give up his car. He also doesn't to provide a car for the kids. And his solution for the problem is to have his wife walk four miles to work and four miles back. He doesn't sound like a "provider" to me. A man who truly wants to provide for his family wouldn't insist that his wife walk four miles to work when it's within his power to spare her. A real provider, will make compromises to take care of his family's needs, instead of saying "No, I don't WANT to" like a toddler. To me, a real provider does more than just provide a paycheck. He provides care, and protection, and a good example.



I do not believe the bus goes to the golf course.

GOOD BUDDY CHRIST!! YOU may buy that whole "He expects her to walk 8 miles a day" BS but I'm not!!!! I very seriously doubt that a man who is part of a family that has the money to play golf all the time AND raise their children to play golf would expect his wife to walk 4 miles to work and 4 mile from work every single day.

Give it a rest already! That's a straw-man, BS line that she said once and sounds like something that was said off-hand during an argument. Only Faux-News watchers would continue to buy into the whole "He expects her to walk 8 miles to work everyday" BS.

 

[Hannathy]

None of the above is always an option. So is walking away from the whole mess: unreasonable wife, spoiled kids, stress at work, stress at home, who needs that?

Unless these adults are chained at the house, none of the above is definitely on the table.

Wow you are saying that you have such unstable relationships that you would walk out of a marriage over a car! I can't believe that. How sad.


And as far as the kids they did find a way to get there drive their family's car. Why should any other family have to foot the bill to take them or provide what their own father is selfishly refusing to provide?

He is being incredibly selfish to refuse to ride the bus twice a week.

 

[tlbwriter]

GOOD BUDDY CHRIST!! YOU may buy that whole "He expects her to walk 8 miles a day" BS but I'm not!!!! I very seriously doubt that a man who is part of a family that has the money to play golf all the time AND raise their children to play golf would expect his wife to walk 4 miles to work and 4 mile from work every single day.

Give it a rest already! That's a straw-man, BS line that she said once and sounds like something that was said off-hand during an argument. Only Faux-News watchers would continue to buy into the whole "He expects her to walk 8 miles to work everyday" BS.

I'm going by what the OP tells us. You're making assumptions based on what you think is going on. You've already made at least one wrong assumption when you decided they couldn't afford a car.

It is quite possible that her husband didn't really mean "walk," what he really meant was "deal with it in a way that doesn't inconvenience me or even change my routine the slightest bit, and doesn't require the purchase of a new car, and beyond that, I couldn't care less how you handle it." I find either to be equally selfish.

 

[Hannathy]

GOOD BUDDY CHRIST!! YOU may buy that whole "He expects her to walk 8 miles a day" BS but I'm not!!!! I very seriously doubt that a man who is part of a family that has the money to play golf all the time AND raise their children to play golf would expect his wife to walk 4 miles to work and 4 mile from work every single day.

Give it a rest already! That's a straw-man, BS line that she said once and sounds like something that was said off-hand during an argument. Only Faux-News watchers would continue to buy into the whole "He expects her to walk 8 miles to work everyday" BS.

actually if that man is so shallow and self important that he can't "lower" himself or slightly inconvenience himself to ride a very convenient bus to work 1-2 times a week for a few months then yes I do believe he could say and mean walk.

 

[FredinFL]

Ditto to both of you. I also believe it's unreasonable to expect the major bread-winner to make give up what small convenience he has just so the kids can go to their sporting events. I never said she doesn't work 4 miles from home. I said I doubted the DH was serious about her walking 8 miles a day. I presumed they couldn't buy a 3rd car because anyone who fights this much over what is an obvious solution probably can't afford that obvious solution.

None of the above is always an option. So is walking away from the whole mess: unreasonable wife, spoiled kids, stress at work, stress at home, who needs that?

Unless these adults are chained at the house, none of the above is definitely on the table.

Exactly. Now that I find out the OP has the money for a new car but doesn't want to spend it, this puts the whole drama-fest into a brand new light.

What I'm suspecting has happened is that the husband has said if anyone gets a new car it's him, so the wife is pulling the whole, "Vent to your friends so they'll tell you how awful he is and how reasonable you're being" because she doesn't want him to have a new car. Well, there are already enough people on this thread bashing the husband and hugging the poor, poor wife.

Bottom line:

• The kids can't figure out how to get themselves to practice and
• The wife won't allow the family to have a new car so the kids CAN get to practice, and
• The husband (who's starting to look more and more like a cuckholded man to me) refuses to be without transportation so the kids can drive themselves to practice, and
• The wife flat out refuses to drive her husband to work

Then the kids quit golf. Ipso facto, end of problem.

Stop whining and let your DH get a newer, more fuel efficient car. The old junker that the kids use can be parked outside. Yes, even in MN. People do it all the time.

"cuckholded"

Glad no one is making any assumptions.

 

[scrapquitler]

Today he was all over DS16 because he was "eating too slow" . He has it in his head that they need to leave at 6:45 to drive the 2 miles to school that starts at 7:30 .

On top of which, he has the farthest drive and with gas prices being so high, it would save ton of money in gas...

This summer is going to be interesting when DS18 comes home from college and is working, I am working, the twins are working at golf camps and DH is working--all in different directions-with 2 cars...

Oh, vent over....

Sorry, but I'm going to side with your DH on this one.

There is NO WAY on God's Green Earth that I would be considering buying a car for teenagers who just got a license a week ago. Any teenager in my house wants to drive a car, they will do it in my car when it is convenient for ME, or when they purchase their own car and pay for the gas and at least some of the insurance.

As the adult in this situation, I would not expect myself to be standing at a bus stop and riding a bus to work and back when my CHILD could ride the bus instead.

As for leaving for school at 6:45 in the morning, if your son does not want to leave that early, he can walk. It seems like a reasonable time to leave and catch a ride from Dad so that Dad can get to work on time. My child prefers to arrive at school at least 30 minutes early to get her things situated in her locker, organize what she needs for class and to socialize with her friends. I just don't think that what your husband expects is unreasonable.

I agree with you that you should not be forced to walk to work.

As far as this summer, you tell the kids that they can use one of the adults cars when possible, but the three of them will have to work out the details among themselves. Maybe DD can drop the boys off for gold, and Dad can pick them up or something like that. I just don't think that teenagers need free access to a car all the time.

 

[Carly_Roach]

But it's not just that he doesn't want to give up his car. He also doesn't to provide a car for the kids. And his solution for the problem is to have his wife walk four miles to work and four miles back. He doesn't sound like a "provider" to me. A man who truly wants to provide for his family wouldn't insist that his wife walk four miles to work when it's within his power to spare her. A real provider, will make compromises to take care of his family's needs, instead of saying "No, I don't WANT to" like a toddler. To me, a real provider does more than just provide a paycheck. He provides care, and protection, and a good example.



I do not believe the bus goes to the golf course.

"cuckholded"

Glad no one is making any assumptions.

I wonder how many people had to Google that term? Especially since I spelled it wrong and, in hindsight, probably isn't the right word. I probably should have kept it simple and said he's starting to look wimpish, weak, timid, ineffective, etc.

But there are plenty of assumptions going on around here for everyone. I'd have to say 90% of this thread is assumption about how rotten the guy is, and how wonderful the wife is, and wouldn't it be great if we could castrate them all. All based on one party's side of the argument.

I tell you what, the more I read the DIS the more I am so very grateful for how long I waited to marry and for finding the guy I did marry.

 

[FredinFL]

Hey, simmer down there! Castration is on another thread.

 

[lisaviolet]

I wouldn't want my father giving up his car even for a few days a week. I wouldn't feel right about it - even if he wanted to do it.

There's got to be a solution that is not about your husband taking the bus to work so that the kids can have the car to go to their practice - if he doesn't want to do it. There has to be.

And I don't think the kids should give up golf - passion and joy and commitment to something is crucial in life and well paid college brings parents' great joy.

So come on - there has to be another solution. No buses out to the golf course, correct? Sorry it's probably in the thread and I've missed it. I guess if they can't pay for all or part of the new car - well I would get a clunker and it would come with some expectations as far as helping out the family with the new car like you already listed they do.

Best of luck OP but as a child/teenager I would not feel right seeing my father without his car to work so that I could go o golf practice or anywhere. There has to be a better solution.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Hey, simmer down there! Castration is on another thread.

You mean the "You knew you were going to get divorced" thread?

 

[Carly_Roach]

What I can't get past is that if it's "only" once or twice a week that he has to give something up, how come it's not "only" once or twice a week that she gives something up?

Oh wait....I think I found the answer. The wife REFUSES to drive her DH on those one or two paltry days a week because it's a long drive and it would inconvenience her.

 

[shortbun]

Interesting thread. While I sympathise with Dad, he's the breadwinner and why should he be inconvenienced? Maybe the teens could go to the bargaining table with him and leave mom out of it. If I were a teen, needing a car, I'd be preparing to ante up some money some how. Three kids should be able to get some work and agree to pay for gas, insurance, part of the car, all of the car...something. If I were Dad, I'd be thinking my kids had a pretty solid sense of entitlement. Golf camp is great -again big outlay of cash. Mom works part time to help pay the bills. Mom, let the kids deal with this. Do your own thing and get them some bikes with a little trailer to haul their clubs. I do think Dad is a tad (big tad) rigid but it doesn't sound like anyone has contributed. Why should he stand and wait for the bus in the rain? kwim?

I know, this is not a typical response for me. lol!