Hubby vent-update page 13, post #189

[golfgal]

I wouldn't give up my car either.

I don't understand why the carpools have to be driven by the kids? Heck in my state, new drivers can't have other kids in their cars.

Why can't the parents of the non drivers and kids without cars work out a schedule?

Because the other parents work too and now that we have kids that can drive we are THRILLED to finally give up the carpool and have the kids drive, well MOST of us anyway . We have laws about how many kids you can drive too, which is why DD and DS need to drive themselves out to practice. The coaches take some kids, the other players take some kids and a FEW parents are able to drive. With 28 girls and about the same number of boys needing to get to the course, the cars are full.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Here's the final option: the kids give up golf.

The first priority in any family is to keep that family fed, clothed and sheltered. Your DH (X) brings in the lion's share of the money with his transportation. You (Y) bring in part-time money with your transportation. High School golf (Z) brings in nothing.

So while everyone's suggesting a schedule and saying, "We have to do X, Y and Z. You organize it", they're not getting that the only thing you have to do maintain food, clothing and shelter. Everything else is gravy.

The pragmatic way of solving the whole issue is remove Z from the equation. End of problem.

 

[jrmasm]

Because the other parents work too and now that we have kids that can drive we are THRILLED to finally give up the carpool and have the kids drive, well MOST of us anyway . We have laws about how many kids you can drive too, which is why DD and DS need to drive themselves out to practice. The coaches take some kids, the other players take some kids and a FEW parents are able to drive. With 28 girls and about the same number of boys needing to get to the course, the cars are full.

My husband and I both work fulltime. We have an almost 16 year old and a 1st grader. We have been driving to activities and carpooling year round for YEARS.

Do I look forward to DD being able to drive herself places? You betcha! But I am not giving up my car. Period. Never. Not happening. If we are unable to get her her own car, we will continue on as we do now. Is it a pain? Sure. But not having my own vehicle would be a much bigger pain.

 

[golfgal]

Wow! It seems like a lot for the Golf Team to require you to have a car available every day after school! Did your DH know this requirement? It seems like he would have been planning for this. I guess you were planning to purchase a car, he just didn't know it

I don't think its unreasonable for your DH to keep his car throughout the day... I do think its unreasonable for him to not OCCASIONALLY help out, and be dropped off and picked up from work by you or one of his children.

DS turns 16 in a few weeks. Lucky for us we bought 2 new vehicles, and are giving him my 2000 Chevy Venture mini van. DH is very into budgeting... and has budgeted an inexpensive car for each kid when they turn 17 1/2. DS15 is lucking out and getting one early, because we have it.

This is DD's 4th season playing varsity golf, he knows "full well" what is involved-but has never really had to be the one to make arrangements to get her back and forth. Last year was easy because she was a freshman and got rides from upperclassmen, the previous two years she was in middle school and got out of school 1/2 hour after the high school kids. She was the only middle school kid so we (I) had to get her out there every day. All in all it works out pretty well for all the golfers if everyone that can drive does. It gets a little easier when they start tournaments because they take a school van for that and leave from the high school so no need to get out to the golf course. Right now, though, DS and DD don't have any tournaments scheduled on the same day through the season so one of them will need the car pretty much every day.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

yes here kids work to but not the amount of hours needed to solely buy a car, insure it and keep it running.

Everybody's parenting styles are different, which is fine. But note I did say "contribute" and you said "solely". Obviously, not the same.

 

[tlbwriter]

Here's the final option: the kids give up golf.

The first priority in any family is to keep that family fed, clothed and sheltered. Your DH (X) brings in the lion's share of the money with his transportation. You (Y) bring in part-time money with your transportation. High School golf (Z) brings in nothing.

So while everyone's suggesting a schedule and saying, "We have to do X, Y and Z. You organize it", they're not getting that the only thing you have to do maintain food, clothing and shelter. Everything else is gravy.

The pragmatic way of solving the whole issue is remove Z from the equation. End of problem.

Well, you're assuming that Z has no monetary value, but what if Z results in scholarships?

Also, you're assuming that the family cannot afford a third car without sacrificing food, clothing and shelter. I don't see any reason to make that assumption.

 

[golfgal]

Here's the final option: the kids give up golf.

The first priority in any family is to keep that family fed, clothed and sheltered. Your DH (X) brings in the lion's share of the money with his transportation. You (Y) bring in part-time money with your transportation. High School golf (Z) brings in nothing.

So while everyone's suggesting a schedule and saying, "We have to do X, Y and Z. You organize it", they're not getting that the only thing you have to do maintain food, clothing and shelter. Everything else is gravy.

The pragmatic way of solving the whole issue is remove Z from the equation. End of problem.

Actually, golf, for DD anyway, will most likely pay for the lion's share of her college expenses. Dh taking the bus in no way will impact his earning power, period.

My husband and I both work fulltime. We have an almost 16 year old and a 1st grader. We have been driving to activities and carpooling year round for YEARS.

Do I look forward to DD being able to drive herself places? You betcha! But I am not giving up my car. Period. Never. Not happening. If we are unable to get her her own car, we will continue on as we do now. Is it a pain? Sure. But not having my own vehicle would be a much bigger pain.

Neither of us are "giving" up a car, he would be using alternate transportation a couple days/week. I have been "giving up" my car when I can. If I need it, DD and I swap during her study hall (like today when I needed to go to the dentist). I will pick DD up at 1;30 and she will drive me to work. I don't need the car to sit in the parking lot at work when they could be driving it to golf practice and home when they are done. I had Tuesday and Wednesday off. I kept my car yesterday because I needed to run some errands and just picked the kids up after school. It is pretty easy to do when I can.

 

[WDW_lover_in_SC]

Selfish...make your wife walk anywhere? He would be the source of much hatred in the South. I'm sure you guys get along great and he's a good guy or whatever. But he needs to grow up on this one. Buy another car or take the bus...or tell your kids they can't have the car on days you work or something. But suggesting that you walk while everyone else drives is...well sad honestly.

Sorry if I offend I just couldn't imagine anyone being like this.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Here's the final option: the kids give up golf.

Yep, I don't know if this was your intention, but you are on to something!!! I had thought of this, but never actually posted.

Judging by the OP's screen-name, I am going to make the assumption that the OP and her husband are very avid golfers and golf fans...

And, since apparantly, the DH would rather his wife WALK to work everyday before he would suggest the kids giving up their golf.... Something tells me that 'either car, or golf must go' could be a very effective approach!

However:
If the OP is the big golfer, and her husband could not care any less about golf... There-in may be a big factor! If he does not care for golf, and could be in some way, inside, 'resentful' about the amount of money and any sacrifice that he may see going into this sport... This might be his own strange way of making his statement.

 

[golfgal]

Everybody's parenting styles are different, which is fine. But note I did say "contribute" and you said "solely". Obviously, not the same.

DS16 put $44 in gas into my van the other day so they do "contribute" but to come up with $200/month for a car payment and another $100/month plus for insurance, plus money for repairs, etc. just isn't going to happen for them now.

 

[golfgal]

Yep, I don't know if this was your intention, but you are on to something!!! I had thought of this, but never actually posted.

Judging by the OP's screen-name, I am going to make the assumption that the OP and her husband are very avid golfers and golf fans...

And, since apparantly, the DH would rather his wife WALK to work everyday before he would suggest the kids giving up their golf.... Something tells me that 'either car, or golf must go' could be a very effective approach!

However:
If the OP is the big golfer, and her husband could not care any less about golf... There-in may like a big factor! If he does not care for golf, and could be in some way, inside, 'resentful' about the amount of money and any sacrifice that he may see going into this sport... This might be his own strange way of making his statement.

DH and I are both big golfers. We golf pretty much every day in the summer. I don't think he would agree for the kids to give up golfing. I know he would not for DD for sure because she will be getting golf scholarships for college. DS will most likely not be getting any unless he decides to put some more effort into his game but he is fine with what he is doing now so that is fine too.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Well, you're assuming that Z has no monetary value, but what if Z results in scholarships?

Also, you're assuming that the family cannot afford a third car without sacrificing food, clothing and shelter. I don't see any reason to make that assumption.

If the family could afford a third car without sacrificing those necessities, they would have bought one by now.

Actually, golf, for DD anyway, will most likely pay for the lion's share of her college expenses. Dh taking the bus in no way will impact his earning power, period.

Wrong. Kid takes car. Kid crashes car. DH's transportation to pay for food, clothing and shelter is now in jeapordy and you guys will have to go through weeks of upheaval with rentals and buying a new car for you guys. PLUS he has to now rely on someone to remember to come get him after he gets off that bus after a long day at work while you cooly drive back and forth at your convenience in your own car.

Potential future earnings in no way usurps current survival earnings. Just ask all the inner city kids who think they can go to college via basketball and football scholarships or hit the big time as NBA or NFL players.

Get rid of one of the options. Since X pays the most and is supporting everyone else, that option cannot go. Y or Z must go. You can always get rid of your part-time job since those Golf Scholarships will take care of college.

 

[jrmasm]

Neither of us are "giving" up a car, he would be using alternate transportation a couple days/week.

That's how you see it. He doesn't and neither do I.

The car that sits in the parking lot gives me freedom. The freedom to run errands at lunch, go out to lunch, deal with any emergencies that come up.

For me, giving up the freedom and the piece of mind, would absolutely be giving up my car.

Now, I don't completely agree with your husband either. The 8 mile walk to work is stupid. And my husband and I split the driving and appointments etc.

Like I said before, if we don't end up getting DD a car, we will continue to work it out as we have for the last 10 years. No one will be giving up their car for her activities.

 

[WDW_lover_in_SC]

Wrong. Kid takes car. Kid crashes car. DH's transportation to pay for food, clothing and shelter is now in jeapordy and you guys will have to go through weeks of upheaval with rentals and buying a new car for you guys. PLUS he has to now rely on someone to remember to come get him after he gets off that bus after a long day at work while you cooly drive back and forth at your convenience in your own car.

Potential future earnings in now way usurps current survival earnings. Just ask all the inner city kids who think they can go to college via basketball and football scholarships or hit the big time as NBA or NFL players.

Get rid of one of the options. Since X pays the most and is supporting everyone else, that option cannot go. Y or Z must go. You can always get rid of your part-time job since those Golf Scholarships will take care of college.

I know you're looking at this from a financial stand point but theres no way on earth you can justify him telling his wife to walk to work. What kind of man would rather have his lady suffer through walking 8 miles to and from work plus 8 hours at work just so he doesn't have to sit at a bus stop for maybe 10-20 mins a day?

Edit and its not even every day!! That's the part that I can't understand. He can ride the bus a few days a week it's not going to kill him.

 

[LisaNJ25]

I know you're looking at this from a financial stand point but theres no way on earth you can justify him telling his wife to walk to work. What kind of man would rather have his lady suffer through walking 8 miles to and from work plus 8 hours at work just so he doesn't have to sit at a bus stop for maybe 10-20 mins a day?

 

[golfgal]

If the family could afford a third car without sacrificing those necessities, they would have bought one by now.

Wrong. Kid takes car. Kid crashes car. DH's transportation to pay for food, clothing and shelter is now in jeapordy and you guys will have to go through weeks of upheaval with rentals and buying a new car for you guys. PLUS he has to now rely on someone to remember to come get him after he gets off that bus after a long day at work while you cooly drive back and forth at your convenience in your own car.

Potential future earnings in now way usurps current survival earnings. Just ask all the inner city kids who think they can go to college via basketball and football scholarships or hit the big time as NBA or NFL players.

Get rid of one of the options. Since X pays the most and is supporting everyone else, that option cannot go. Y or Z must go. You can always get rid of your part-time job since those Golf Scholarships will take care of college.

We have insurance on our cars that would pay for a rental car or buy a new car so crashing a car would have a minor, minimal impact on anything. DD has no wish to play on the pro tour but the reality is that she, as a sophomore in high school, could already be a starter on most Division I girls golf teams. Most schools use women's golf as a scholarship equalizer for football and have ample scholarships to give. It is what it is. Every single one of her teammates that have graduated in the past 4 years have been offered a golf scholarship at some school, somewhere, INCLUDING the JV players. One of her senior teammates was just offered $14,000 to play for a tiny DII college in Iowa-combined with the academic scholarships she is getting, college is now paid for. It IS reality for women's golf.

That's how you see it. He doesn't and neither do I.

The car that sits in the parking lot gives me freedom. The freedom to run errands at lunch, go out to lunch, deal with any emergencies that come up.

For me, giving up the freedom and the piece of mind, would absolutely be giving up my car.

Now, I don't completely agree with your husband either. The 8 mile walk to work is stupid. And my husband and I split the driving and appointments etc.

Like I said before, if we don't end up getting DD a car, we will continue to work it out as we have for the last 10 years. No one will be giving up their car for her activities.

My husband does none of these though. On Wednesday's they walk across the street to the Sushi place for lunch but he never "runs errands" or takes kids to appointments, etc. NEVER.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I know you're looking at this from a financial stand point but theres no way on earth you can justify him telling his wife to walk to work. What kind of man would rather have his lady suffer through walking 8 miles to and from work plus 8 hours at work just so he doesn't have to sit at a bus stop for maybe 10-20 mins a day?

Edit and its not even every day!! That's the part that I can't understand. He can ride the bus a few days a week it's not going to kill him.

Uhh...hyperbole. It sounds like something he may have said in an argument and she's being sarcastic. "Yeah. I can do that. 4 miles there and 4 miles back."

If I had been in that kind of an argument with my parents (when I was younger) or my DH, and it had gone so far as considering an 8 mile walk each day to work, the argument would end with the optional intramural sports that are causing all the friction to go away.

 

[WDW_lover_in_SC]

OP how far away are your work times? Is driving him to work then using the car while he's there a feasible option or is he not on board with that either?

 

[Andtototoo]

I don't think he would agree for the kids to give up golfing. I know he would not for DD for sure because she will be getting golf scholarships for college.

How does he think she's is going to get a scholarship if she can't get to golf?

I'm sorry, OP, but the whole business of him actually thinking you should walk 8 miles per day to/from work just blows my mind and does not give me positive thoughts about your husband. His attitude here seems to be either illogical, irrational, spoiled, or selfish -- or some combination thereof.

I will freely admit that one reason this dynamic blows my mind, as it were, is that it is eerily reminiscent -- in hindsight -- of the way my father acted before he had his mid-life crisis and left the family. He had checked out mentally and emotionally long before he checked out physically and one manifestation of that "checking out" was being what seemed to be incredibly selfish and/or irrational about ways to solve family problems that involved him making the slightest bit of effort or sacrifice. That situation has perhaps made me sensitive to these situations.

 

[marmalade]

OP.... You said your kids wouldn't have enough time to work the hours required to buy and maintain a car by themselves. You also said if you were to get another car it would go to either you or DH and the kids would get the old car (98 saturn I think you said)

So..... why not have the kids "work" around the house. I am not sure what share of the chores they do now, but have them take on added responsibility to justify them getting DH's old car. Mow the lawn, take out trash, laundry, grocery shopping etc..... This way DH keeps his car, kids have a form of transport, you don't have to walk , and the kids are working for a want.

I know nothing about you or your DH but I know myself and if my DH wanted me to give my car to my kids for nothing I would not be to thrilled with that. I want to at least know my kids are working for what they get.