How young is too young to get married?

[mhsjax]

Okay, and I feel very, very, very old-fashioned right now. . .but when did it become better and more moral to, ahem, "live in sin" than to get married?

I married at two days after I turned 21 because I wanted to go to summer school with my now-DH and there was no way my parents were going to let me spend the summer at my fiance's apartment unless I had a wedding band on my finger. (We attended different universities.)

Somewhere in the past 20+ years, we've changed as a society, I guess, because all of the posters who reccommend late marriages tend to presume the couple will live together before marriage.

While that's a personal choice, and, honestly, it seems like everyone in the world is okay with that these days. . .I just don't think I could do it. If you're going to share my bed and we're going to choose toilet paper together, I dang well want a wedding band on my finger! I am NOT letting any male who isn't stuck with me for life wash (and probably ruin) my undies because they got into the towel basket by mistake, and I will not quibble with a man who is not my spouse about who gets the last ice cream sandwich!

But seriously, when did we switch? I think the change in thinking was happening when I got married, but now it seems to be complete.

Just to let you know, you aren't the only one who feels this way.

 

[hipporina]

I honestly don't think it is about age. It is about maturity and the relationship. DH and I got married when we were 18 and 22. We had been together for almost 3 years and were engaged for 18 months of that. I could not wait to start my life with him! We have been married for 11 years and are unbelievably happy. I can't imagine having missed out on any of our time together simply because society told us we weren't old enough.

My parents and both of my sisters married young as well. None of us "had to" and all of us are still married and happy.

The true key to a successful marriage is remembering that is is a 3 way covenant relationship between you, your spouse, and God. Divorce is NOT an option and all things can be worked through.

I am so grateful that DH and I have shared most of our lives!

 

[DSNY4ever]

Honestly, I would suggest finishing all of your schooling first, get a job, then get married.

But if you can afford to be married (i.e. mom and dad are not still supporting you financially AT ALL, not with tuition or help with books etc.) and you really want to be married, go for it.

My husband and I got married at age 24. We finished school, both found jobs and then got married. We moved in together a few months before the wedding to get everything settled. It has been five wonderful years of marriage and 11 years together total

Do what is right for you.

 

[MariDisney]

snipped...

My parents think getting married at the age of 22 is extremely young and while they won't forbid it, they would prefer I waited until I was older, more financially settled and had more life experience. From my perspective, I already know who I want to spend the rest of my life with and I suppose waiting a few extra years for a wedding wouldn't be the end of the world but it would not be my (or BFs) preference.

I haven't read the replies, so apologies if this has been said. My opinion is that if your parents have the ability to forbid it (i.e., they say you can't and you feel like that is the final word) then you would be too young. The right age is when you are making decisions on your own with or without parental approval. I appreciate the desire to keep peace in the family and not cause drama. But, until you are at a place where your parents can't deem something is going to happen or not you aren't ready. I do think for every person the "right" age is different.

 

[mjkacmom]

I started dating my DH when I was 21, and we got married when we were 27. We wanted to make sure that we were not only in love, but compatable. How long have you known him? I met DH when I was only 12, so I knew him pretty well. We've been married for 15 years now. My gf started dating her DH when she was 14, and they got married at 28. They're still together.

 

[ZachnElli]

I was 20 and my dh just turned 25 when we got married almost 18 years ago (wed anniv is June 20). I'm going to bring up something no one ever wants to talk about. If I had waited, I would not have had children. By the time I was 28, I couldn't have kids. I know several women I went to high school who waited and cannot have children now and they remain childless. I know someone might come and flame me or say something about not bringing children into the world, blah, blah, blah. But, let's face it, this is a BIG issue. And both my grandmothers had their youngest children in their 30's (larger families back then), so genetics did not factor into my childbearing. Just something to think about.

 

[Colleen27]

I was 20 and my dh just turned 25 when we got married almost 18 years ago (wed anniv is June 20). I'm going to bring up something no one ever wants to talk about. If I had waited, I would not have had children. By the time I was 28, I couldn't have kids. I know several women I went to high school who waited and cannot have children now and they remain childless. I know someone might come and flame me or say something about not bringing children into the world, blah, blah, blah. But, let's face it, this is a BIG issue. And both my grandmothers had their youngest children in their 30's (larger families back then), so genetics did not factor into my childbearing. Just something to think about.

Yeah, that's something I think a lot of people don't think about when they advise people to wait. Not just infertility but other aspects of family planning as well, like wanting a big family or certain spacing that might be hard to accomplish if you delay marriage too long. I know it is unavoidable for some and I'd never suggest settling for the wrong man to marry at a younger age, but if you're with the person you know you want to spend your life with and plan to have children, that should be something that you discuss regarding when you want to marry.

 

[autumnpalm]

Wow! I am blown away by all the help and advice. Thank you guys so much, every one of you. I am learning so much!

My parents don't have the ability to forbid marriage, per se, but I respect them both greatly and in circumstances like this, would like to avoid going against their wishes. Our relationship means a lot to me and to be honest, so does their blessing and approval.

With regards to the children issue, we both DO want children and I would love to have a big family. To be honest, I've never even really factored fertility issues into the equation of age. But it is definitely something to think about!

And I think I've said before somewhere in this thread (could be wrong!) but just to clarify, we do not plan on living together before we are married nor do we believe in premarital sex. I know this issue is different for everyone and I respect that, it is just something that both BF and I feel strongly about. I know a lot of young couples who marry because of that and I do want to be sure I am marrying because I want a life and a family with my husband forever, not so we can get around a "technicality"

 

[Rainwater]

Recently, my DBF and I have started talking about marriage. At the moment we are both undergraduate students. He will finish up his degree this summer and I will likely not finish until 2013, possibly 2012. We both agree that we would like to finish college before getting married, mostly for practical reasons. As DBF is heading to law school in September, we should both be finishing up when I am 22/23 and he is 23/24.

My parents think getting married at the age of 22 is extremely young and while they won't forbid it, they would prefer I waited until I was older, more financially settled and had more life experience. From my perspective, I already know who I want to spend the rest of my life with and I suppose waiting a few extra years for a wedding wouldn't be the end of the world but it would not be my (or BFs) preference.

This has started to become a family issue because while my family loves BF, almost every time I bring up the future at all, they immediately jump in with their opinions. While I appreciate they only want what is best for me, the constant lectures about "young marriage" are a little bit frustrating!

I know my perspective is skewed by both age and emotion, so I'm opening this up to the DIS! How young do you think is too young to get married? What would you hope for your kids- or even yourself! Some objective opinions would be awesome!

Since everyone mature's differently,and every situtation is different, the correct answer is........What ever the law allows in your state.

 

[daisy2jae]

My DH and I dated for 2 years and married at age 20. We'll be celebrating our 9 year anniversary this summer. We heard "you're too young". However they don't live in our shoes. We listen to what they had to say and went on with our plans. The same thing happened when we had kids. Everyone is always full of advice but what works for one doesn't always work for another. Do what you think it best for you . They'll understand. My DH and I are best friends and even though we've had times things weren't easy we'd never change a thing! When you know you're with Mr. Right you know. Don't let someone else plan your life for you.

 

[daisy2jae]

I was 20 and my dh just turned 25 when we got married almost 18 years ago (wed anniv is June 20). I'm going to bring up something no one ever wants to talk about. If I had waited, I would not have had children. By the time I was 28, I couldn't have kids. I know several women I went to high school who waited and cannot have children now and they remain childless. I know someone might come and flame me or say something about not bringing children into the world, blah, blah, blah. But, let's face it, this is a BIG issue. And both my grandmothers had their youngest children in their 30's (larger families back then), so genetics did not factor into my childbearing. Just something to think about.

I'm only 29 but wonder how in the world I could have made it waiting to have children. They are lots of work but fun! I'm glad I had a family young and I'm not sad to say so. My DH got a cancer at age 19. Only 2% of people ever get this type under the age of 25 at the time he found out. He was also given 2 years to live and that was 10 years ago. We listened with respect to opinions and we did what made us happy. Now all our friends that waited are struggling to have children or they feel they can't afford them. I just tell them....if you wait to have kids till you can afford them you'll never have kids. Sorry if people don't agree but it's my opinion. I'm not saying everyone should have kids young. It might not be the right thing for that person however people shouldn't judge people who do have kids young. If people take the time to know the young parents they might be surprised how we've done a wonderful job even though we were young.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My dd just went to her friend's wedding and she is 18 (almost 19) and her BF is 18/19. They are not pregnant. He enlisted in the army and went in 2 weeks after HS. They both graduated HS last yr.

It is really up to you to do what you feel is right for yourself.

Now if your parents are paying for your college and you are living at home or whatever, wait until you are ready to be on your own.

 

[PrincessBelle39]

DH and I met when I was 19. We decided within 3 weeks of being together that we would marry. We were married when I was 22 and celebrate our 20th anniversary this year. We are best friends. I couldn't imagine being without him.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I think you should get married when you think you are ready to get married. If you and your BF can see yourself together the rest of you lives, why bother waiting to get married?

I was married at 20, and I turned out OK. We will be celebrating 14 years in October.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Wow! I am blown away by all the help and advice. Thank you guys so much, every one of you. I am learning so much!

My parents don't have the ability to forbid marriage, per se, but I respect them both greatly and in circumstances like this, would like to avoid going against their wishes. Our relationship means a lot to me and to be honest, so does their blessing and approval.

With regards to the children issue, we both DO want children and I would love to have a big family. To be honest, I've never even really factored fertility issues into the equation of age. But it is definitely something to think about!

And I think I've said before somewhere in this thread (could be wrong!) but just to clarify, we do not plan on living together before we are married nor do we believe in premarital sex. I know this issue is different for everyone and I respect that, it is just something that both BF and I feel strongly about. I know a lot of young couples who marry because of that and I do want to be sure I am marrying because I want a life and a family with my husband forever, not so we can get around a "technicality"

Good for you! The first time I ever woke up in a man's arms was on my wedding night with my DH. The whole first day I was walking around saying to him, "I can't believe you're still here" as in, he was with me. Maybe the idea is too old school for others but for me it sealed a bond neither of us has any intention of shattering. The fact he is the only person I ever lived with really cements the idea that we are family. I don't think poorly of people who choose a way different than my own but it sure is nice to see others out there like me every once in a while

PS, the best bit of advice I can give any young women is to look at the man you love through the eyes of a child. Really see him. If you can say out of all the men you've ever known that you would choose the man in front of you to be your own father then he will be good enough for your children and right there you'll eliminate a majority of fighting that goes on in most marriages. I can honestly say I would have considered myself lucky if I had a Dad 1/2 the man my DH is and that sort of respect goes a long way during the ups and downs of a relationship.

 

[Took]

Rather than focusing on your age, I would focus more on life goals and plans instead. DH and I got married in our early 20s, but DH had been in the military and traveled the world and I had been on my own since 18. We were not the typical 20s college students finding ourselves. We discussed careers, children, finances etc. extensively before getting married. I knew I wanted a big family and wanted to have a husband who wanted that as well. Of course things change as you get older, but we re-evaluate our goals and talk about things all the time.

DH and I will celebrate our 15th anniversary this October. I can say that I am so happy I married him when I did and that we have had all this time together. We have changed as individuals and as a couple. But I am sure that if you asked me 10 years from now, I would tell you the same thing.

ITA. DH and I married later in life (I was 30 and he was 28). We were both finishing grad school. It helped that we were essentially on the same page, both in terms of our career aims and our family expectations. I loved being single and independent in my 20's and don't regret marrying later at all, but it's a very personal decision and depends quite a bit on what one wants.

 

[jodifla]

Well, I'll strike out and say the opposite thing. There are always exceptions, but overall statistics over and over again show the later you wait to get married, the more likely it is to last.

We got married when I was 26 and my husband 27. We jokingly now say that anyone under 30 shouldn't get married, because they are just too young (and yes, we are just kidding.) But it meant a great deal for us to each me out on our own for about 5 years before we got married.

Since you are looking to get married after college, I don't consider that all that young.

And because you brought it up, OP, I do think that it's easier for most couples to delay marriage because they have less traditional ideas about sex, living together and marriage. So they feel no pressure, can wait until they are totally ready, without having to speed up a marriage.

Some people brought up the old days when people got married at 18 and stayed married forever. Frankly, a lot of these people did it to have sex. Then they got pregnant and were basically stuck, realizing at 23 they didn't even like the person they married at 18. But they stay married 50 years or more, because that's just what that generation did. Or, they got married because they were pregnant. There were plenty of shotgun weddings in the Greatest Generation. I don't think that's really a good model. (It's amazing the things women in the community will tell you once you are all grown up! I thought these marriages were rock solid and happy. But these women were victims of their times.)

 

[shortbun]

I would suggest you wait until you are both out of school to begin discussing the future. At that point you can both find jobs and begin saving money for the future as you see it. Planning now is premature. You may have found your 'life partner' but that life will be so, so much easier if you begin it as financially sound with two jobs and some money in the bank. Stop talking about it with your parents. It's a private matter at this point as you both have a couple more years of school. I say a good age to start thinking about marriage is 23-24. Relax and enjoy your lives as they are now. Carpe Diem.

I got married when I was 34. I had been dating my future husband since I was 28 but we both had a lot we wanted to accomplish yada yada. Before I was 28, I was in love a few times. Glad I didn't marry those guys. Btw, I see you are waiting for marriage to have a physical consumation of your relationship. I think that is great but don't let this issue make you want to hurry up the process.

 

[Scurvy]

I think it depends entirely on the couple. My husband and I married when I was 22 and he was 24. I think we would have stayed happily married regardless of how old we were at our wedding. I knew people who married in their 30s (or older) and didn't last a year, people who married in high school and divorced 10 years later and people who married in high school and are still married 20 years later. As far as finances, I do agree that you shouldn't marry until you are able to be financially independent. But I don't think you necessarily need to have lots of money, either. My husband and I couldn't afford much when we were first married. We were still students and didn't have "real" jobs yet. We could afford the basics, but we couldn't have gone out and bought a house right away. So we rented for a few years. I'd rather have lived in an apartment for our first few years together than have waited to get married until we could afford to buy a home. Sometimes I hear other couples arguing about money and I think those years of massive budget crunching were really good for us. We got by with almost nothing, so now that we actually have money we don't quibble about financial issues. Getting married fairly young, while we were still in college and grad school, is what worked for us. Waiting is what worked for some other people. No one but the couple involved can really know what the right choice for that couple is.

 

[Tinkermommy]

Very interesting thread. I met my DH when he was 18 and I was 17. We quickly fell in love. He told me under no uncertain terms he was graduating college and working before he even would think of marriage. Well, we got married 7 months from the day we met!! I was 18 for only 6 days.

Our Anniversary is June 12th (like another pp) and it will be 24 years.

I do not think it is for everyone, but when you find "the one" I don't see any reason to wait until someone else thinks it's the right age.

The one thing I do think worked for us is we didn't have children until our 30s. So we traveled, worked, schooled, and did all the other things (expect date other people) that young people do, we just did it together. But when you have children very young, that does change things!

So my answer is whatever legal age is right for you and your fiance and you are financially independent. That means you can pay your bills (not until you have a BMW/house, etc).