How would you respond? (long)

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Thanks all.

No, they don't have any real traditions, they aren't religious, no special gathering of relatives etc. They do like to see my brothers kids on Christmas day, but they live 2 streets away from them, so they'd see them, even if they came to dinner after. I also suggested we do a different day if that was easier.

The reason we would rather not go is because they expect gifts from us for everyone, esp. lots for their grandkids (I am getting the children 1 My Little Pony each...they are 2 & 4 yrs old) and also, it takes between $20-$30 in gas to get back & forth from their house driving through Boston holiday traffic. When you are on a tight budget, $20-$30 is a lot.

As an example, I spent $56 this week. That includes $20 for gas & $25 for commuter parking. That's my budget.

I think you're all right. It's probably a power issue because of the wedding stuff.

They do not like our wedding venue (it's too far for them...actually it is just about central for all our guests) and they are beyond livid that we are getting married on Halloween afternoon (they are not religious...their reason they are upset is because we are, and I quote, 'ruining Halloween for their grandchildren'). FI & I are in our mid 30's and this day is sentimental for us. They aren't going to dictate when & where we can have our wedding so we thanked them for the offer to double our budget but we aren't changing our plans.

Now I wonder if maybe they turned down the other invite out of spite.

I will leave the invite open though. And if they choose not to come, more leftovers for FI & I, I guess.

 

[clutter]

I will preface my remarks by saying I know how complicated some parent/child relationships can be, and I know it's easy for us to say "Just forget about it" when it is not our parents.

I agree with the PP who said that your parents issue seems to be about control, and money is the leverage they attempt to use. They are attempting to manipulate you by saying "Well, if we aren't getting a present then we aren't coming for Christmas" assuming that you will cave because they are your parents.

So, your decision is...what to do?

There is the camp that says "make your own traditions with your DFi, you are starting your family with him"...that makes sense, but it's kind of sad that the 2 "families" can't really mix, it seems. And yes, they can't mix because of your parents decision to put control/$$/materialism above family, but it's still hurtful to you.

There is the camp that says "but they are your parents". And that is true, they are your parents.

Without knowing your entire life history with your parents, I cannot begin to help you. I would say that if my parents put control/money/materialism at such a premium, I would probably not want to have too much to do with them. I could see myself keeping in mild/moderate contact...sort of like the obligatory amount of contact...but I wouldn't be bending over backwards to please them because, quite frankly, unless you are doing things their way, you aren't going to please them. My own parents never put that much emphasis on stuff or control/$$/materialism, so I don't have any frame of reference for that.

It would seem to me that the time to lay the ground rules for your adult life would be now. You and your DFi are building a life together, you have come to conclusions about how you need to budget your time, money etc. So I would stick by that, and if the subject is discussed again, say to your parents "Well, I have told you that finanicially we are tight this year and I invited you for a nice dinner instead, which you don't seem to want to attend. That's the best I can do". Mom will attempt to guilt you into more. Just keep repeating that sentence. And send them a nice card telling them you love them and leave it at that. You cannot change them, so you must accept the situation as it is and change your reaction to it.

And yes, that is easier said than done. I have had some disappointments in my life and it takes time to come to grips with them. But you will.

Disney Doll, you are the Dumbledore of the Community Board. Very wise words.

 

[Disney Doll]

Disney Doll, you are the Dumbledore of the Community Board. Very wise words.

Thank you. Many years f dealing with crazy patients and my crazy SIL have finally paid off.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Disney Doll, you are the Dumbledore of the Community Board. Very wise words.

Agreed.

I just reread her post and showed it FI and he agreed also.

 

[EthansMom]

Thanks all.

No, they don't have any real traditions, they aren't religious, no special gathering of relatives etc. They do like to see my brothers kids on Christmas day, but they live 2 streets away from them, so they'd see them, even if they came to dinner after. I also suggested we do a different day if that was easier.

The reason we would rather not go is because they expect gifts from us for everyone, esp. lots for their grandkids (I am getting the children 1 My Little Pony each...they are 2 & 4 yrs old) and also, it takes between $20-$30 in gas to get back & forth from their house driving through Boston holiday traffic. When you are on a tight budget, $20-$30 is a lot.

As an example, I spent $56 this week. That includes $20 for gas & $25 for commuter parking. That's my budget.

I think you're all right. It's probably a power issue because of the wedding stuff.

They do not like our wedding venue (it's too far for them...actually it is just about central for all our guests) and they are beyond livid that we are getting married on Halloween afternoon (they are not religious...their reason they are upset is because we are, and I quote, 'ruining Halloween for their grandchildren'). FI & I are in our mid 30's and this day is sentimental for us. They aren't going to dictate when & where we can have our wedding so we thanked them for the offer to double our budget but we aren't changing our plans.

Now I wonder if maybe they turned down the other invite out of spite.

I will leave the invite open though. And if they choose not to come, more leftovers for FI & I, I guess.

You're totally doing the right thing!

I also wanted to say how wonderful it is to see a post where someone is making decisions to improve their finances and not letting outside influences guilt them into caving.

My DH and I spent several years living frugally while we paid off debt. You wouldn't believe the number of naysayers (mostly family) who said, "Why are you doing this?". Now, we have only the mortgage on the house (refinanced when rates were low) and are able to afford more luxuries in our lives. Guess who's jealous now that we have more money to save/invest/spend?

 

[HM]

When we were first married...Nov 1987, DH and I had no money left for Christmas. We had no jobs at the time (had just moved to a new town for a fresh start). We made bread wreaths for everyone for Christmas. It was all we could afford, but it was made with love. Everyone was very kind about our gift.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. You offered dinner and your company as a your Christmas gift to them...they should have been gracious about it. They weren't. You should not worry about it a bit more. Your parents are being babies.

 

[Motherofboys]

Regarding Christmas, I would respond with a polite "Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way but DFI and I feel that Christmas is about family, love, and spending time together so this is how we are choosing to celebrate it. We will sure miss you"

Regarding your wedding on Halloween, is that on a Sunday? If so, there is a good chance that many communities will choose to have TOT on Saturday night instead. So it may be a moot issue.

But if not, what are you doing to make up for the loss of the TOT time for the kids at the reception? A candy buffet? Treat bags?

I know my kids would be disappointed (esp my 5 year old) if they had to miss the big night and it was considered not a big deal b/c it was someone else's special day.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Regarding your wedding on Halloween, is that on a Sunday? If so, there is a good chance that many communities will choose to have TOT on Saturday night instead. So it may be a moot issue.

But if not, what are you doing to make up for the loss of the TOT time for the kids at the reception? A candy buffet? Treat bags?

I know my kids would be disappointed (esp my 5 year old) if they had to miss the big night and it was considered not a big deal b/c it was someone else's special day.

It is a Sunday.

The wedding & reception are in a castle, inside looks right out of a fairy tale.

We have already told the parents of the handful of kids who will be in attendance that we want the kids to wear their costumes and that there will be Trick or Treating from table to table at a specified time so the kids can show off their costumes and get candy. We thought it would be adorable.

We're having it in the afternoon with the reception ending at 6:30 pm but I'm sure that the lunch part will be over by 4. Plenty of time to get home and go ToT for everyone on our list if they had to leave a bit early to make it home by 5:30/6:00.

The only parents who had an issue with it are my own parents and my brother. The other kids parents all thought their kids (they all happen to be girls, and one little boy who is obsessed with being a knight) would love getting to wear their costumes in the castle and wouldn't mind.

One of the older girls (10) who has already been told about it (too soon for the little ones) asked if she could make us a special pumpkin with a heart carved in it. Of course we said that would be wonderful.

 

[paintnolish]

Wow! My parents tell me NOT to buy them gifts! I had a similar situation a few years ago with a friend. I told her I did not want to exchange gifts that year (recovering from a divorce, having 2 little kids who believed in Santa) since money was really tight. She seemed really offended. Our friendship ended a little later but not over that- it was something even more ridiculous! No advice, I suppose, sorry!

 

[starrzone]

It is a Sunday.

The wedding & reception are in a castle, inside looks right out of a fairy tale.

We have already told the parents of the handful of kids who will be in attendance that we want the kids to wear their costumes and that there will be Trick or Treating from table to table at a specified time so the kids can show off their costumes and get candy. We thought it would be adorable.

We're having it in the afternoon with the reception ending at 6:30 pm but I'm sure that the lunch part will be over by 4. Plenty of time to get home and go ToT for everyone on our list if they had to leave a bit early to make it home by 5:30/6:00.

The only parents who had an issue with it are my own parents and my brother. The other kids parents all thought their kids (they all happen to be girls, and one little boy who is obsessed with being a knight) would love getting to wear their costumes in the castle and wouldn't mind.

One of the older girls (10) who has already been told about it (too soon for the little ones) asked if she could make us a special pumpkin with a heart carved in it. Of course we said that would be wonderful.

to you. I don't really have any advice ( my parents are wonderful, but my mother and I have a...tenuous relationship at best), but I can say that your wedding sounds wonderful. The things you are doing for the kids sound so thoughtful! I wish you all the best, and please don't let anyone rain on your special day.

 

[minkydog]

OP, you've done enough. If your parents are miffed because there will be no presents, well, lets just say that reflects very badly on them. I applaud your efforts to stay on-budget, especially with a wedding looming. Too many couples, young and old, think they have to go all out for their weddings thereby saddling themselves with debt that will affect everything they do for the near future. I have friends who couldn't buy a house, who had to postpone having children because of wedding debt.

Same goes for Christmas. We don't believe in going into debt and then taking the next 4-5 months to pay off all the credit cards. Several years ago, when we and all my siblings were having a particularly bad year, we all mutually decided to dispense with gift-giving except to the nieces and nephews under 18. We limit the children's gifts to $10. With the older kids, as they age out, I take a beautiful ornament off my tree to give to them.

Rather than give presents to my sisters & brother(and their fspouses) we give the gift of charity to others. Sometimes we give tangible gifts, like toys to our local Children's Hospital. One of my sisters always "gives" us bunnies for Heifer Project. My brother "gives" us soccer balls and fishing gear, which he takes to Venezuela and gives out to the street kids.

This year, after having our basement flooded in the recent Georgia floods and sustaining several thousand dollars in repairs, we're not giving money. However, I go every week to a food bank and pack boxes for poor families. I'm keeping a running tally of the boxes so i can share that with my sibs. The Christmas cards go something like this:

"Dear A_____,
This Christmas we want to honor you and your family with a give of service. Since November we have been working at a food pantry, packing boxes for those families who find themselves in deep financial straits. So far, we have packed 60 boxes and the holiday season isn't over yet! We wish you the most wonderful Christmas,
XXOO Cathy & George"

It's always interesting to see what kind of gift each of us is going to "get." We're of an age and of means that we can buy what we need. I'd rather take the money we would have spent on gifts and postage and put it into charitable giving for someone you needs it more than me.

 

[Motherofboys]

It is a Sunday.

The wedding & reception are in a castle, inside looks right out of a fairy tale.

We have already told the parents of the handful of kids who will be in attendance that we want the kids to wear their costumes and that there will be Trick or Treating from table to table at a specified time so the kids can show off their costumes and get candy. We thought it would be adorable.

We're having it in the afternoon with the reception ending at 6:30 pm but I'm sure that the lunch part will be over by 4. Plenty of time to get home and go ToT for everyone on our list if they had to leave a bit early to make it home by 5:30/6:00.

The only parents who had an issue with it are my own parents and my brother. The other kids parents all thought their kids (they all happen to be girls, and one little boy who is obsessed with being a knight) would love getting to wear their costumes in the castle and wouldn't mind.

One of the older girls (10) who has already been told about it (too soon for the little ones) asked if she could make us a special pumpkin with a heart carved in it. Of course we said that would be wonderful.

This sounds totally awesome and like you really put a lot of thought into it!

I can't imagine why anyone would have an issue with it, especially since you were thoughtful enough to end the reception in time for kids to leave to enjoy TOT'ing and are doing TOT at the reception!!

Sounds like your family just cannot be made happy You sound like you've got your head on straight, good for you for sticking with what you and your fiancee want!

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't think this is about money. It's about control. It sounds like you're locked in a struggle with your parents over control of your life and somehow money is being used as leverage in the battle.

ITA

So, your decision is...what to do?



It would seem to me that the time to lay the ground rules for your adult life would be now. You and your DFi are building a life together, you have come to conclusions about how you need to budget your time, money etc. So I would stick by that, and if the subject is discussed again, say to your parents "Well, I have told you that finanicially we are tight this year and I invited you for a nice dinner instead, which you don't seem to want to attend. That's the best I can do". Mom will attempt to guilt you into more. Just keep repeating that sentence. And send them a nice card telling them you love them and leave it at that. You cannot change them, so you must accept the situation as it is and change your reaction to it.

Dumbledore indeed

OP-your wedding sounds lovely. I am appalled whenever I see these stories where parents try to control their adult children with money and guilt. I just don't get it.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

OP - Your wedding sounds super cool and something that my DD (9) would love to attend. I think its great that you have set the time early enough for those that want to go door-to-door as well as having a T or T event at the wedding. Can we come???

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Now I wonder if maybe they turned down the other invite out of spite.

Bingbingbing! We have a winner! You aren't playing by their rules, so they're going to take their dolls and go back into the house.

I'm sorry they're being this way. My own parents do actually try to be fair, but as I and DH don't have kids, sometimes they're pretty. . .well. . .yeah. We get the short end of the stick a lot.

I just suck it up and love them and let it go.

Whatever you do, don't let them play guilt games or power games with you. Just blithely pretend you are oblivious to attempts to play those sorts of games.

 

[EMom]

First, let me say it sounds like you've planned one heck of a wedding on a $2500 budget. My hat's off to you!

Moving on...... Your parents have already "taken back" the $2500 they promised you for the wedding because, in essence, they could not CONTROL it. You responded by sticking to your guns and giving up their $2500 in order to have the wedding YOU and FI want. So they are probably already smarting about that.

You got into $20,000 debt, and that's not great. But to have taken $7000 off it in a year is amazing and you are to be applauded. It sounds like you have changed your habits and decided what you want in life is to NOT be in debt. You are working toward that aggressively. If only MORE people would come to their senses the way you have.... I promise you, your married life will be so much happier without the stress of mounting debt hanging over you. You and your FI are giving yourself an early wedding gift by decreasing your debt and trying to eliminate it

I would think most parents would be proud of the discipline you are showing, but you see, some parents use money to control the apron strings. And when the children do not play the game, the parents lose their method of control and that makes them frustrated and angry at the loss of power. You invited them for Christmas dinner, but can't afford gifts and they say it's not worth coming on those terms? It sounds like they can buy whatever they want/need. Basically, they are saying YOUR COMPANY ALONE is not worth our trouble, especially since we cannot control you.

Stand firm, sister. If you weaken now, you are setting the stage for a miserable married life. On the other hand, if they get the message now that they cannot control you, your marriage will be much more pleasant. Think long term.

As an aside, when DH and I married, my mother could not pay for the wedding and it killed her. She was struggling just to make ends meet. If my mother couldn't pay, we were not about to ask DH's parents to pay. I wasn't working yet (just after college) but DH was, so he paid for the wedding and reception. And we did not go in debt for it or my wedding/engagement ring. We did not have a lavish wedding, but it was a nice one. And we did not have a cent of wedding debt when we said, "I do." There is enough stress in life as it is.....No need to add more. You are on the right path!

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Thanks everyone.