how would you handle this ?

[LiberalPrincess]

Just so OP doesn't feel completely alone, I'll give the following concessions to my own controlling ways:

DD14 (15 next month) has an 11 p.m. bedtime Sunday-Thursday. If she stays up a little later, or has to get homework done, that's fine.

Curfew on Friday and Saturday - 10 p.m., occasionally (very occasionally) I let her stay out until 10:30 p.m.

She's a high school Freshman and I still ask about projects/homework and inquire how it's going, provide friendly nudging reminders.

Our computer is in the livingroom area. Now DD is an only, so time is not an issue.

I do have DD14's FB password and I do check her page. By what I see going on and the things that are posted, I think more parents should keep an eye on what their kids are doing online. It also keeps DD from posting things like her friends because she's embarassed I'll see it and some of these kids should be. You should hear the things they say. I have not, however, told DD she needs to unfriend anyone. That's up to her. Also, I've seen a number of bullying FB pages and talking about who slept with who, who smokes pot, etc. Things like this, whether true or not, could ruin a lot of futures. I will only concede the FB page when she's probably about 16. I will say I've also seen some very supportive pages on FB, particularly in the wake of the recent rash of suicides, so it's not all bad. I realize they're teens and coming into their own, but I still feel better occasionally checking her page. FWIW, she has my password as well and is allowed to go on my page whenever she wants. I have nothing to hide.

DD has her own cell phone and I have been known, on occasion (much less so recently) to check her texts. Yeah, yeah, I know. In the beginning I thought it was key and it opened up a lot of discussions for us. Now I do it VERY rarely and NEVER mention anything I see. Again, it's for DD to decide how to handle certain situations and people and she's been doing a wonderful job.

I know my DD's not an angel and I honestly don't expect her to be, I just like to have some idea of what level she's on and what the newest obstacles are, so I know what discussions might be coming.

Okay, flame suit on (I feel like a superhero when I say that).

I'm not sure what you expect to get flamed for. You are talking about a 14 year old, and even admitted that you would probably cease some of the more controlling behavior when she is 16. This girl is already 16. Do I think your weekend curfew is a bit heavy handed? Sure, but, again, she is 14, so driving and transportation are more parent reliant issues at that point. You said that your daughter's bedtime is 11:00, except when she has things to do. The OP's rule is 9:30 for an older child. Two completely different situations and two completely different ages. You seem to be approaching it with safety, not punishment, in mind. And you seem willing to adjust the rules as appropriate. Big difference. No flames from this poster.

 

[postage stamp]

Is she going to get in trouble if she uses wire hangers too?

NO MORE WIRE HANGERS EVER!!!!!!!!

 

[Polyluvr]

 

[Tinkh]

My heart truly aches for this girl. Seriously. I had a very controlling stepfather and I rebelled like no tomorrow. Also, I do not believe for one second that her life was so horrible before. If so, you should give her even more credit for being a good student and reasonably responsible. The girl in a year or two will be old enough to go to war or get married. Give her a break for goodness sakes. Oh and I do not believe you wanted advice. You have just blatantly been seeking some sort of attention just like in previous threads about your stepdaughter. I do not believe you have her best interests at heart at all.

 

[pyrxtc]

kids

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I'm not sure what you expect to get flamed for. You are talking about a 14 year old, and even admitted that you would probably cease some of the more controlling behavior when she is 16. This girl is already 16. Do I think your weekend curfew is a bit heavy handed? Sure, but, again, she is 14, so driving and transportation are more parent reliant issues at that point. You said that your daughter's bedtime is 11:00, except when she has things to do. The OP's rule is 9:30 for an older child. Two completely different situations and two completely different ages. You seem to be approaching it with safety, not punishment, in mind. And you seem willing to adjust the rules as appropriate. Big difference. No flames from this poster.

I think I just meant that I'm sure there are others here who might disagree with certain snooping and rules I have in place and that each situation is different. So what I find to be acceptable might not be so to others. I also have the added advantage of having raised my DD, so I kind of know her limits and boundaries. I find OP's rules to be stifling and controlling, but at the same time others might say that about me. Just wanted to try to interject some positive so maybe the OP will have a more open mind and try to receive some of the suggestions she's being given. In the end I think we can all agree that we all want what's best for OP's SD.

 

[maxiesmom]

NO MORE WIRE HANGERS EVER!!!!!!!!

And don't forget, if she doesn't finish her breakfast, she will be served it meal after meal until she does!

 

[wvjules]

The pace she wants to work has only one set of hours for the entire place. it opens at one time and closes at another. It is not open after school for her to work there and on weekends, she will be expected to be there from open to close. None of our activities start that early on weekends.

What if she gets a job somewhere else? What then?

 

[tlbwriter]

So, you will figure out that teenager has to go to bed at 9pm, but then you won't get get involved in helping them get a schedule for the morning? Again, WHY?

Setting her up to fail?

This is a good point. By ignoring this, you are putting the sisters in an adversarial relationship starting on day one. If you're willing to set a strict bedtime/homework schedule, you should be able to set a morning schedule as well.

 

[joviroxx]

The pace she wants to work has only one set of hours for the entire place. it opens at one time and closes at another. It is not open after school for her to work there and on weekends, she will be expected to be there from open to close. None of our activities start that early on weekends.

What happens if she can't work there? Can she look elsewhere?

 

[postage stamp]

I'm sorry, OP, but a battle of the wills with a 16 year old is like trying to kill an elephant with a tooth pick. have fun with that.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

I think I just meant that I'm sure there are others here who might disagree with certain snooping and rules I have in place and that each situation is different. So what I find to be acceptable might not be so to others. I also have the added advantage of having raised my DD, so I kind of know her limits and boundaries. I find OP's rules to be stifling and controlling, but at the same time others might say that about me. Just wanted to try to interject some positive so maybe the OP will have a more open mind and try to receive some of the suggestions she's being given. In the end I think we can all agree that we all want what's best for OP's SD.

Gotcha. However, sadly, it does not appear that everyone wants what is best for the OP's stepdaughter. It seems as if the exalted "schedule" and draconian rules are more important to the OP.

 

[Colleen27]

I would love to be a fly on the wall for the first time that there is a conflict of schedules. One of the OP's precious kids and the step-DD both having an activity to be at, at the same time, a 1/2 hour a part. I don't think anyone needs but one guess to figure out who is going to be going to the activity and who won't be.

And she's already decided on the justification for that - the kids already have schedules and activities and plans. The 16yo just has to fit herself and her own needs in around that.

 

[allison443]

The pace she wants to work has only one set of hours for the entire place. it opens at one time and closes at another. It is not open after school for her to work there and on weekends, she will be expected to be there from open to close. None of our activities start that early on weekends.

So you are expecting that she will work at this place from open to close on weekends...then I guess she will be able to see her old friends from closing time until 10:00 (her bedtime)? That is if you are available to drive her, and pick her up, because it is an hour away, and if you or one of your kids doesn't have anything else going on, and she gives you enough notice of her request.
I guess she won't be having her old friends come and spend the weekend, if she is going to be working all day.

 

[AshleyW]

NO MORE WIRE HANGERS EVER!!!!!!!!

SCRUB, Christina. SCRUB!!


I love that movie.

 

[hentob]

This is a good point. By ignoring this, you are putting the sisters in an adversarial relationship starting on day one. If you're willing to set a strict bedtime/homework schedule, you should be able to set a morning schedule as well.

She won't set a morning schedule because it will be very exhilarating to watch the step daughter almost miss the bus. It will prove that the OP was right all this time! How exciting it will be to watch her struggle!

"That is why you have such an early bedtime you bad, bad girl."

"Our mornings ran smoothly until you moved in with us".

"And you think you are responsible enough to drive? You can't even get ready in the morning."

That is why she won't help two teens set up a bathroom schedule.

 

[clutter]

Just so OP doesn't feel completely alone, I'll give the following concessions to my own controlling ways:

DD14 (15 next month) has an 11 p.m. bedtime Sunday-Thursday. If she stays up a little later, or has to get homework done, that's fine.

Curfew on Friday and Saturday - 10 p.m., occasionally (very occasionally) I let her stay out until 10:30 p.m.

She's a high school Freshman and I still ask about projects/homework and inquire how it's going, provide friendly nudging reminders.

Our computer is in the livingroom area. Now DD is an only, so time is not an issue.

I do have DD14's FB password and I do check her page. By what I see going on and the things that are posted, I think more parents should keep an eye on what their kids are doing online. It also keeps DD from posting things like her friends because she's embarassed I'll see it and some of these kids should be. You should hear the things they say. I have not, however, told DD she needs to unfriend anyone. That's up to her. Also, I've seen a number of bullying FB pages and talking about who slept with who, who smokes pot, etc. Things like this, whether true or not, could ruin a lot of futures. I will only concede the FB page when she's probably about 16. I will say I've also seen some very supportive pages on FB, particularly in the wake of the recent rash of suicides, so it's not all bad. I realize they're teens and coming into their own, but I still feel better occasionally checking her page. FWIW, she has my password as well and is allowed to go on my page whenever she wants. I have nothing to hide.

DD has her own cell phone and I have been known, on occasion (much less so recently) to check her texts. Yeah, yeah, I know. In the beginning I thought it was key and it opened up a lot of discussions for us. Now I do it VERY rarely and NEVER mention anything I see. Again, it's for DD to decide how to handle certain situations and people and she's been doing a wonderful job.

I know my DD's not an angel and I honestly don't expect her to be, I just like to have some idea of what level she's on and what the newest obstacles are, so I know what discussions might be coming.

Okay, flame suit on (I feel like a superhero when I say that).

See, you're actually making the point many PPs are trying to say. There are big differences between 13/14 and 16. You see that and recognize that you will adapt your ways. OP is not seeing that and feels that her DSD should adhere to rules that work for a 13 year old. We all get that the OP doesn't have the luxury of adapting. She's seemingly wanting a 16 year old to conform to her family, she doesn't seem at all concerned with how her family needs to adapt to a 16 year old. It's like she's saying "we're taking her in, but she has to be this that and the other for it to work." Who's the grown-up here?

 

[postage stamp]

And she's already decided on the justification for that - the kids already have schedules and activities and plans. The 16yo just has to fit herself and her own needs in around that.

Which is just SICK and WRONG.

My in-laws had 4 kids at activities at the same time, and you know what? There were days when someone had to call a friend for a ride, when my MIL would call me to ask to pitch in, when my MIl and FIL didn't see each other until 11 PM when all was said and done, because PARENTS sacrifice for their kids, children don't sacrifice for other children. You want them YOU deal with getting them from point A to point B for whatever it is that they need and enjoy. Period.

 

[simba20]

The pace she wants to work has only one set of hours for the entire place. it opens at one time and closes at another. It is not open after school for her to work there and on weekends, she will be expected to be there from open to close. None of our activities start that early on weekends.

Wants to work, and getting the job are two entirely different things. If they are even hiring.

I WANT to work in Guest Relations at WDW, however I live in Georgia so it's not gonna happen.

Can you even open your eyes to the fact that when she does get a job, she cannot set her own schedule. She has more of a chance of getting a job if her availibility is open rather than so limited. She would be LAUGHED at if she had to tell a boss, "Well, I can't work on Saturdays from 10-1 because my half sister has dance class and my half brother has soccer. "I also can't work from 2-4 every other Saturday because my step-mom has a 'planned family activity'."

So even if she were to get a job by telling them she is available after school and on weekends, your other rules cut into her availibility, because, obviously, if she worked after school, she must them come home, do her homework, do other chores, and then go to bed at her 9:30 bedtime (wow, even if she can fit all of her required stuff in before then after working). That would leave her, with what, two hours of available worktime after school. Hmmm 2hrsx5days/weekx$7.25 (if that)/hr-taxes.......yeah she's really goona be able to pay for that car and inurance then.

 

[PatsMom]

She won't set a morning schedule because it will be very exhilarating to watch the step daughter almost miss the bus.

"That is why you have such an early bedtime you bad, bad girl."

"Our mornings ran smoothly until you moved in with us".

"And you think you are responsible enough to drive? You can't even get ready in the morning."

That is why she won't help two teens set up a bathroom schedule.

But the answer is really quite simple. If the older daughter drives herself to school, the morning conflict won't be necesary. Oh but wait, that wouldn't be any fun would it?