how would you handle this ?

[MariDisney]

One thought on the Facebook thing. I recently got a membership to socialshield.com. It sends alerts if there are trigger words on the FB page. So far I've gotten alerted for: die, laid, pot, f***, and some others. In each case they were nothing to actually be alarmed about (e.g., "I laid on the couch..."). But, I think the sensitivity of the site is pretty good. It can also alert you when your child gets a friend who is an adult or gets a friend with someone where there are no friends in common (so that could be a stranger from another site or something). Anyway, this way you don't have to see every detail of the FB page, but you will be aware and alerted of anything concerning. It can also check twitter and other sites.

 

[chexie]

Nobody is just saying how they would handle this, they are all jumping on what a horrible mother I am. That she would be better off living in a foster home than here. She has not been asking for years, she asked once years ago and then changed her mind.

I had the rules and restrictions growing up, severe ones. DH did not have any rules or restrictions, he knows the trouble that you can get into and he did get into it. he thinks this is a great idea, some restrictions but not crazy. And yes, I don't think they are crazy.

Okay here's some advice then.

How about instead of a 9:30 pm bed time change in to 10:30 when i was 16/17 my curfew was 10:30 and on weekends i was allowed out till 11 sometimes 12 if i called a head of time and kept in contact with them.

Honestly knowing your daughter's facebook password and logging in under her name to check up on her, this to me is ridiculous my parents have NEVER asked me for my facebook/myspace password. They do however both have facebook's and are friends with me on facebook. That to me is more reasonable and provides a more trusting relationship between my parents and myself.

On the breakfast thing, you can't force some one to eat when they don't want to or they aren't hungry. When i was in high school i never ate breakfast, my mom did suggest i bring a pop-tart as a snack before lunch in case, but she never forced me to take it. Try suggest bring food to eat not force.

On the Halloween thing, try to help her out and make an exception since she can't drive. Two of my best friends had to adjust to having to move after a divorce, this transition is hard cause they have to start over. Seeing the old friends will provide a sense of comfort and break from the new changed environment

 

[pyrxtc]

song

 

[pyrxtc]

drive

 

[RitaE]

okay - you want to know how I handle this? I have 3 kids (20 year old at college, 17year old, 8yo).

My 17year old has a loose framework because he just isn't a problem kid. During the week he needs to come home after whatever school activity he is at ends. He makes dinner at our house probably 3 or 4 nights a week, sometimes bringing one of his friends. If he goes to a friend's house or whatever, he usually comes home around 8:30pm to 9:30pm. If he is out I always get a phone call or text telling me where he is and who he is with. That isn't a bedtime, it is just what time he gets to our house. On weekends he is usually home around 11:30pm to midnight. We do occasionally have family dinners and they are expected to be at the table for those.

He has an iPad, iTouch, and a laptop. He knows that his Mom can break into them at anytime. I've also told him that I wouldn't go snooping without his knowledge. This is a lesson I learned from mistakes made with my older son. I don't snoop. If I'm going to go look at something I will tell him first and I will tell them what exactly is making me uncomfortable. He uses the iPAD and laptop for much of his homework.

As far as schoolwork goes I get an email every Monday morning from the school online grade service. If the grades are okay, that's all I want to know. I couldn't tell you when his projects are due and if he left them to the last minute or did them ahead. He goes and buys his own supplies. He has a credit card of mine that he carries. He'll let me know before he goes shopping that he needs to buy whatever. As long as he posts good grades, its up to him to handle his school assignments. I really can't address the TV rule much because my kids really don't watch tv. They prefer video games. My youngest son doesn't play the Wii until after dinner.

He goes to bed when he wants. I think it is usually around 10:30pm during the week. If he stays up too late and he's tired the next day, then I guess he'll learn his lesson. I have had to yell at both of my older boys for staying up late and being noisy when they come upstairs and waking their younger brother up.

He decides himself whether or not he wants to eat breakfast. There's breakfast stuff here. He knows where we keep the refrigerator.

I can't say I hug and cuddle either of my older boys. Frankly I prefer to show my love to them via trust and respect and communication. My general philosophy is, act like an adult and I will treat you like one. Act like a butthead and suffer the wrath of Mom. It seems to work for us. I do get text messages from them often, my college son emails me almost everyday with what he is up to, and I often get invited out to the driveway to play HORSE at the basketball hoop.

 

[PaulaSB12]

well, nothing happens around here after 10 except drinking in the woods. Everything closes at 9 pm. We will make a weekend exception if it is a movie or something that doesn't end by then but she thinks that 1 am is decent for a 16 yr old. I didn't even have a 1 am curfew when I was out of high school. I had to be in bed by 9 on school nights til I graduated and she will have to be on the bus by 6:40 am.

At her mom's, she has been treated as a grown up since she was about 10 or 11. expected to babysit constantly, and knowing way too many details about her parents finances and sex lives. We have had exchange students here that were this age and the last one had a curfew of the same times and no problems with it. He stayed out later a couple nights for special things but just hanging at a friends house, 10 pm was late enough. Plus, we live in the mountains and the snow, ice, and black ice will be everywhere and she is not used to driving on it, especially at night.

Cell phones don't work up here very well and until she is out in a car on her own, she doesn't need one. I have been explaining this fact to my DD13 for a while now. She is more than welcome to use the house phone and the computer to chat/text her friends. I will be driving her to work until she has enough money to pay for insurance and enough repairs to her car to make it safe to drive. her job will have a phone to call from if she gets out early or needs to be picked up late.

I don't expect participation in all family things but some are not optional. With the Halloween thing, she will be starting her first real day of school the day after Halloween and I don't want her tired for it. I'm sure she will already be stressed slightly with a new environment. She says she is okay with a new school and she is used to it, 5 school in 7 yrs with her mom. her mother can no longer take her and finally decided that she would do well to live in a stable house with great schools. It will be a new thing for all of us and rules will need to be adjusted as we go, I know that. But we do need to lay some out now cuz when DD13 turns 16, I don't want her to think that she can do whatever she wants too. My house is not a prison, it just has rules and responsibilities. All of my kids have chores and she will be expected to get hers done along with her job and school. We do not provide allowance or vehicles. She has to get a job to pay for it all herself. All of our kids will.

I just want her to bring something to eat in the morning. She is used to not having much food in her house and just not eating. (Long complicated story of why she hasn't moved in with us sooner.) She actually went an entire school year without breakfast or lunch because the school did not give her a lunch period. (yes, we knew about it at first but was told that her mother took care of it, obviously she didn't since we are just hearing it now.) She has learned to lie and deceive to her advantage and it's something we need to break immediately. When she does get a phone. she will have responsibilities with that as well. Leave it downstairs after 9 pm and respond to every call that she gets form family, no ignoring like she does now. We have expectations of her as part of our family and want her to know that. 16, 17, 18, it does not matter how old she is, some things are just not an option.

We are strict but loving. My DD13 made me a card for my birthday mentioning how strict I was but that she knows I do it for her to learn from and that she will get to do more as she shows we can trust her. Same thing here, DSD is known for ignoring calls and doing as she pleases. She is also used to money being handed to her but we don't do it that way. We weren't raised that way either. It is going to be a give and take relationship.

20 minutes is just the nearest store, we live in town. We just don't have stores in our town. Movies and malls are 30 minutes or more away. Even her school is almost 30 minutes from us and 2 towns over.

[B]Visitation with her mother has not been decided yet. DH was told no weekends so we don't know what is going on. She only asked for every school vacation and holiday plus all summer. We all know that is not happening. If she has a job, she will be working a lot of those. Plus not only do we need to fit in her seeing her mother, she also needs to put apart some time to spend with her little sister who will live with DSD's step-father[/B].

Visitation with her mother will start after she has a place to live that isn't inappropriate for a teen girl.

I bolded the bit about this is going to be a give and take to say it isn't its a take and take. She is 16 not 6 you also say her mother wants all school vacations and the summer but you then go on to say this isn't happening. Quite frankly I wouldnt move if I where here you are taking her from what you think is inappropriate to stick her in a prison. She is 2 years from being an adult not a 6 year old I can't think of a better way of making sure that her relationship with her father is destroyed.

 

[Hannathy]

You want how I would and did handle it fine:

Start with trust you don't trust her.

She is a young adult she doesn't need a bedtime

She is responsible for doing her homework how or when she wants to do it is up to her, if it is after 12 just don't wake me up

I monitored her computer when she was 9 by 16 I trusted her .
How much she wants to be on the computer is up to her. she is on a lot for work and socializing.

she can use the cell as often as she wants within her plan, it is the only way they communicate. No one has called the house phone since 10th grade.

when and what she eats is up to her, clean up after yourself if you make something.

Mine had no curfew didn't need one she self regulated. She had too much homework to be out on a school night other than Play practice, other practices, meetings, school activities, Heck Math team didn't even get back till after 9 and we know what partiers and druggies they are!!

What time they could drive till was a pretty good regulator so usually 12 at 16 unless they were getting a ride but then maybe 12:30 on weekends, getting later as she got older or in the summer.

She could hang out with friends without a planned activity.

she was always invited to family activities but it was up to her.

I treated her with respect and she treated us with respect.

Her room was hers, I put clothes in it but I didn't snoop, and if it was a mess and was I shut the door. College apps don't care if your room is clean.

School was her job getting good grades was expected. She worked in the summer and babysat in the winter but taking 4 AP's at a time was the only job she needed.

She didn't have her own car but she could drive ours when she asked.

I can honestly say I never had a discipline problem with my DD, never had to ground her. She was a high honor student, got a very good academic scholarship to a major university with a religious and strict rules and is thriving (compared to the state school with no living rules) and plans on professional school. and still talks to me regularly, and not just civil conversation.


So that is how I did it, you force yours to live in your prison with your unreasonable rules and we'll compare results in a few years.

 

[pyrxtc]

babies

 

[okeydokey]

So here's what you should do.

When she gets to her new home, sit down and negotiate together the guidelines she should follow. Ask her if she prefers to do homework right away after school or if it works better for her to do it after some down time or after dinner. Then let her decide when she will do it. If it becomes a problem with her not doing homework, then step in.

Ask her what time she thinks she should try to get to bed at night (weekends and weekdays). Then let her go to bed when she thinks she should. If it becomes a problem with her not being able to get up in the morning in time for school, then step in.

Ask her what she likes to do for breakfast. Then let her do it. If it becomes a problem with her fainting from hunger or not being able to concentrate in school because she is hungry, than step in.

Repeat the above for other issues. Show her that you respect and trust her to make some decisions for herself.

 

[pyrxtc]

sun

 

[pyrxtc]

feather

 

[gonzo76]

Nobody is just saying how they would handle this, they are all jumping on what a horrible mother I am. That she would be better off living in a foster home than here. She has not been asking for years, she asked once years ago and then changed her mind.

I had the rules and restrictions growing up, severe ones. DH did not have any rules or restrictions, he knows the trouble that you can get into and he did get into it. he thinks this is a great idea, some restrictions but not crazy. And yes, I don't think they are crazy.

Don't you see that you are setting her up for FAILURE? You sound like you are daring her to do it. Which is sick. You keep saying I had rules and restrictions. Stop making it about you. She has not grow up that way. She is going from one extreme household to another. I can't be your way or the highway.

Every child is different. I have different rules for my 11 and 13 yr old. Let alone a 13 and 16 yr old. They are at different stages in their life. I don't punish them the same way either. What would work on my 13 yr old wouldn't work for my other child.

I find this ridiculous. Post a thread, ask for opinions and then try and defend your crappy oppressive rules. It doesn't matter what anyone says you are still going to do what you please. Here's a tip. Don't post a thread about your SD and think pixie dust is going to be blown up your butt when you are obviously doing harm to her.

 

[pyrxtc]

reserved

 

[MichelleVW]

I just can't get past the fact that someone would give a "bedtime" to a 16 year old. Bedtimes are for 6 year olds, not 16.

 

[disneychic2]

Try not to focus on what you feel are attacks on your parenting. Some of the posts are hurtful and I winced when I read them. But there is a lot of good advise being given to you as well. I know I've learned a lot just reading them!

I have no doubt you want to do the best for everyone concerned, but, having said that, I hope you will take some of the suggestions posted. Teen-agers are a different breed altogether. They tend to morph into alien beings at times...and that's true of teens who have been brought up in a loving household all their lives as well.

Being a step-mom is an unbelievable challenge...and privilege. Don't make it harder than it has to be. Please read through the posts again (with the attitude that you may be wrong in some of your rules and thoughts) and I think you will se a number of them with sound advise. It is amazing to me how many people care so deeply for this young woman they don't know and never will. I know I do too. I care about your entire family and truly do hope and pray everything will turn out okay. Better than okay...brilliantly!

 

[RitaE]

OP - do you have a bedtime that somebody else arbitrarily sets for you or do you get to decide for yourself when you should go to bed?

At what age do people earn that right?

And again, what has she done to not have that right? Is she frequently Tardy first period? Reports of her falling asleep in class?

 

[postage stamp]

Here's what I would do, and no, I don't have step children, but I do have 2 teenage sisters who I've had a hand at raising sue to family circumstances.

If you think that you can "outwill" a teenage girl who is hellbent on something, well, good luck with that. I hope you're Irish. You are going to have to meet her somewhere in the middle. Honestly, probably somewhere closer to her side of the middle. And EVERYONE in your family is going to have to make sacrifices for her living with you, that includes you, your husband, and your other children.

That said:

Bedtime? Fah real? She'll fall asleep when she's tired. After a few days of being DOG tired at school she'll get it and adjust herself accordingly. Forcing her to do something is just going to result in a rebellion.

The trick to teenagers is to get them to do the right thing and what's best for them, but you have to let them think it was THEIR idea. So if you force her to go to bed at 9:30 she'll stay up in her room all night plotting her revenge. But if you let her go to bed when she's ready to go to bed she'll go to bed. And if that time is too late she'll soon figure it out and start going to bed earlier.

Same thing with a curfew. If she's got to be home by what do you have it set at? 2 PM on weekends? Well if there is no wiggle room, then I'd say expect to see her by Tuesday. But if she knows that she can call and you can all discuss her staying out later depending on the circumstances (activity, friends she's with, etc) then she's FAR more likely to do that.

You guys are her PARENTS not her JAILERS. She's supposed to learn how the world works. Well, the world isn't the black and white place your household seems to be. There are shades of gray EVERYWHERE. You have to teach her to see those too. And to make her own choices, and to make the RIGHT ones. People learn by making mistakes!

And to say "this is how I was raised" is just baloney! My mother was grounded for a year for dating a black person. Is that how I should have been raised? NO! And thank God I wasn't!

 

[Hannathy]

well besides all the other things I can't get past how her and her husband can take a very expensive vacation themselves and won't give the poor kid $10 to go out with friends. Oh wait what friends that is right she won't have any with the bedtime, curfew, no communication, no visitation without prior written
approval!! and being on academic suspension cause she can't use the computer to get work done.

 

[postage stamp]

A little extra sleep won't kill her[/B].

And a little extra compromise, from you, and the rest of your family, won't kill you either!

 

[PaulaSB12]

Honestly, I can see why she ignores you guys.
There was alot in your post that I could respond to, but what really struck me was the bit about the Halloween thing. You say she was given a choice, but it was your choices, did you even ask her if she had previous plans with her friends? I mean she is going to moving away from them and you aren't even letting her spend Halloween night with them. She doesn't have to go to the party until 1 AM but you don't even seem like you are willing to compromise and go and be home at 11. a 16 year old is old enogh to deal with the consequences of things, like projects not being done on time, you are saying things like she is the only person that does this kind of stuff and your way is the only way to control her. ALot of families have the same issue with bed times, getting p, curfews, projects etc and manage just fine without having to treat their kids like inmates. Sorry OP, unless you come back and tell us she is an addict, or got pregnant 10 times, or steals, etc, I think you are being totally unreasonable because you aren't even willing to compromise.

In the op's first post she says

She told me that she is sure that she has a couple of Halloween parties to go to and she had plans with her friend from current school. With Halloween on a Sunday night, I told her it would depend since she has school the next day

so the girl has got plans but they are being ignored so she only has the choises the op has give her. OP you say you love her but why are you pushing her away like this I can understand her ignoring you don't push her into running away.