how would you handle this ?

[SaraJayne]

I love her very much and she knows this. She has gotten to go with us to WDW twice, once the very first time we went and another during a week that we all had the same school vacation. that was 5 and 3 yrs ago. She actually mentioned yesterday that now that she will be living with us, she will get to go when we do. I have already priced out the cost of adding to her to our possible trip to DL next year with just my DH and I and bringing her too. we have also already talked about driving down to Fl during April vacation and staying with my Aunt and hitting the stuff around her for the week. 7 beaches within 20 minutes of her house on the Gulf Coast. Sounds like heaven to me.

Talking about it and actually doing it are two completely different things.

From past posts linked in this thread, the way you feel about this girl is obvious...and very sad.

 

[luvmy3]

You asked what people would do, well I'd send her to live with someone else if she's as terrible as you've made her out to be. It doesn't seem like you care at all about HER just about how she's going to effect YOUR life. Which is just sad.

I think thats the saddest part of it all, the poor SD is the one who is going to have the hardest time adjusting, and would even under the best circumstances. It seems like the OP doesn't even acknowledge how hard it is going to be for her, she is only concerned how to make it not hard for herself and I feel so bad for this girl. I can understand having house rules, even strict ones, however I can also have some compassion for what she will be going through and give her a break. If after awhile, she needs to have more strict rules becasue its not working out, then in time they can be adjusted. OP whether you know this or not, and whether you are doing this on purpose or not, you are telling that poor girl that her coming into your home is seen as a disruption to your life and instead of accepting her (and her ways) into it, you are going to change her to make her fit, otherwise she wouldn't be welcome. That's unbelievably cruel and sad to do to your daughter.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

She has communication, she has a Facebook account and will be able to text from the home phone. I give my kids money to go out with friends. Anything beyond that, she will have to pay for herself. if she chooses not to work, that is fine too. But she will only get money on occasion and not all the time.

We take many vacation with our kids and are allowed to take one by ourselves. They don't have to go everywhere with you. My DD13 is going to DC with school and we are paying for that. If DSD has a school trip to go on, we would pay for that as well. I only ask they they let me know the day before so any other plans can be changed accordingly.

OT, sort of, but how do you text from a home phone?

 

[pyrxtc]

free

 

[wendy46001]

What she does now will not work for this house. She cannot be up all night unless he is in her room reading or listening to her Ipod. I cannot make her go to sleep only to bed. She told me yesterday that she has a 10 pm bedtime for school now but doesn't have to get up til almost an hour later than she would here. A little extra sleep won't kill her.

I think this says a lot
you need to realize what your house "was" is no longer
adding you DSD will totally change the family dynamic

everything from who showers when to when the tv is on (are you really going to keep the tv off for all kids if DSD has an all night project to work on? The younger kids are going to start resenting her if you limit them because of her and vice versa)

You need to sit the whole family down and decided how to live as a group
explain to all the kids that they are different people and have different rules

and you defiantly need to roll with it....slamming down a bunch of rules and expecting her (all of them really) to bend isnt going to work

 

[pyrxtc]

vacation

 

[pyrxtc]

liveliness

 

[okeydokey]

And for those who told me to back off, I am not a BIO parent. that is not how it works. Biology does not make a parent. I will be the one who does it all for her and loves her every day. I have the right to sign all Dr's paperwork and school stuff to get her going. My DD13 will soon have a step-mother also and she already knows that she needs to listen and respect her. Just because she did not give birth to her does not make her any less of a parent. Instead of having two parents to watch out for her and watch the path she is making, she will have four watching over her.

My half sister has said the same thing. Biology does not make the parent. It takes a village....

And for those who know me in person, not a single one thinks I am the monster that some of you do on here. I get comments all the time on what a great mother I am and how well behaved my children are. I expect things from them and they know they have to live up to that responsibility. Being part of a family means participation in family things and chores. I don't get paid to feed the dogs so why should they ? They get everything they need for free.

And now you are upset because people here aren't telling you what a wonderful mother you are. You asked how people would handle it. If you didn't really want to know, why did you ask.?

You also talk about money a lot. It seems like you think your SD moving in will be an additional financial burden. I hope she doesn't pick up on that.

 

[hambirg]

I think some of the rules the op has laid out are too much for a 16-year-old, but it is her business to a certain point. The DSD will be living in her home, and if the dad works a lot of hours, and the op is the one at home with the DSD (in the father's absence), then the op does need to be involved.

I think the op and the father need to agree on the rules, and from what the op said earlier, it sounded like they had discussed it and were agreed on the rules, which again, I think are a bit much for the age of the DSD.

I don't think it's fair to say that it's none of the op's business and that she has no say at all in it. When it's your home and your family, you need to at least have a voice in the whole process. I do, however, think it's up to the father to take the lead on whatever the rules end up being, and enforcing the rules. But as many pp's have already said, I think the rules that the op has mentioned so far, are a bit much for the age of the dsd.

I understand what you are saying. . .BUT the law disagrees. She has no "legal" authority over this girl. If she chooses to keep trying to push that she can cause some serious issues for her husband and alienate him from his daughter.

Long story, but my ex's gf had some similar issues as the OP, being that I think this is all about her trying to prove that she is somehow a better parent than the girl's mom. Ex's gf made some bad choices and now we (myself and my kids) have a no-contact order against her. It makes things hard on my ex, because he currently still lives with her (but that is suppose to be changing). She cannot be at their house when my kids are there. And since you can't force her to not be at her house, my ex cannot bring our kids there. He has to always take them somewhere else when he has them. But back to the OP. . .basically the ex's gf has been told MANY times (by me and now by the courts) to butt out! Legally she has NO rights to my kids. The same applies to the OP. If she was smart she would stay out of it. . .period.

 

[pyrxtc]

OT, sort of, but how do you text from a home phone?

They make a phone that has a full Qwerty (sp?) keypad on it and you set it up to a AOL account or something like it. you can then text back and forth as if you were on a cell phone. I test my DH and sibs on their cell phones all the time from AIM. you just have to hook it up through your computer for the texting to work. you can even upload ringtones for different callers and such.

http://www.opentip.com/Electronics-...e-Instant-Messaging-Capability-p-1828306.html

 

[okeydokey]

Also, she will have to pay for her insurance and car bills plus gas for her car. we cannot add her to our insurance until all of the custody issues have been finalized and she officially changes her address to ours. Then she will only be driving our cars locally if needed. We will get her to a friends house if the timing works around anything already planned. We will even pick her up with a set time, not with a "I'm ready now" call. Occasional movies with friends, we will give her some money, school dances and things like that, we will give her some money. Anything above and beyond ($70 concert tickets) is not happening. We will buy her all her clothes and things she needs to live.

But her friends are not local. Why can't she drive to her friend's house? You say you won't take her there unless you have something already planned in the area.

 

[mjkacmom]

How I would handle it would probably how I handle dd14 - no bedtime, no getting up time on weekends (I still have very fond memories of sleeping in after noon...), she should have a laptop and a cellphone (my dd does), I'd definitely wouldn't expect her to want to hang out with me on halloween, or cuddle (although dd14 was really never a cuddler - her sisters definitely are!). I'd let her be responsible for getting her homework done, whenever it works for her. Dd14 doesn't have a curfew - she lets me know where she is going, and then I give her a time (usually movies, out to eat, at a game, or hanging at friends, or here). We've been extending to 11 if she has a ride (or we're feeling nice), but usually 10:30 on weekends.

I'd make sure she's around for holidays, and special family events. Dd14 isn't expected at bbq's we go to or host unless there is someone her own age there, or she brings a friend (lots of our friends have kids younger than her, and it's not fair to her).

Usually on the Dis, there are usually many different and oppossing opinions. This thread is very long, and as of yet, not one person agreed with how you are planning on handling the situation - that should be a wake up call!

 

[postage stamp]

And people wonder why Walt bagged on step mothers all the time!

 

[pyrxtc]

Easter Bunny

 

[KandD]

OP you are really starting her off on a bad note.

First, it seems that you completely disapprove of how she was raised, that is fine, you are entitled to your own thoughts HOWEVER that is not her fault. You said that she has pretty much raised herself, she will NOT all of a sudden appreciate hovering parents and ridiculous rules. Whatever lack of parenting occurred by her mom is NOT DSD's fault.

Second, I truly believe that you are naive if you think that setting these rules is going to make life run smoothly at your home. Daily life is going to be a struggle because she is going to fight about everything. Pick your battles. Her safety and well being are number one, your need to control her is not. Of course teenagers need rules and your apprehension about her driving at night is legitimate but a bedtime?? She is sixteen, in two years she could be out on her own!!

Lastly I think that you really need to look at things from her perspective. My parents divorced when I was 16 and my dad wanted me to live with him, there was no way that I was leaving my home, my school, my friends, and my boyfriend. My parents let me choose. It doesn't sound like your DSD has much say in the matter and picking up your life when you are 16 does seem like the end of the world. Add onto that a controlling stepmother and rules that she has never had to live with before and I guarantee that she will rebel.

 

[NMAmy]

And for those who told me to back off, I am not a BIO parent. that is not how it works. Biology does not make a parent. I will be the one who does it all for her and loves her every day. I have the right to sign all Dr's paperwork and school stuff to get her going. My DD13 will soon have a step-mother also and she already knows that she needs to listen and respect her. Just because she did not give birth to her does not make her any less of a parent. Instead of having two parents to watch out for her and watch the path she is making, she will have four watching over her.

I hope when your dd comes to you with tales of how her stepmother does things differently than you, that you'll remember your past behavior to your stepdaughter. Hopefully, your dd won't have to listen to her stepmother talk about her mother's lack of parenting skills as your stepdd has.

I am a stepmother. My husband is a stepfather to my dd. Both of our kids had biological parents who were involved with their lives. We made a conscious decision to not try to take the biological parent's place but to be a mentor, a role model, and a friend to our stepchildren. It's worked quite well for us. My stepdd is 30 and my dd is almost 20. DH didn't have to be a really great father to dd--he just tried to be a really great stepfather. He was fine with the fact that the roles were different and he and dd adore each other. DD's stepmother was one who wanted to take my place as dd's mom. DD does not have a good relationship with her and refuses to stay at their house when visiting.

 

[Hannathy]

They make a phone that has a full Qwerty (sp?) keypad on it and you set it up to a AOL account or something like it. you can then text back and forth as if you were on a cell phone. I test my DH and sibs on their cell phones all the time from AIM. you just have to hook it up through your computer for the texting to work. you can even upload ringtones for different callers and such.

http://www.opentip.com/Electronics-...e-Instant-Messaging-Capability-p-1828306.html

so you really think 1 computer is going to do all 4 kids homework and handle all your Daughters communication with her friends?

Do you seriously believe that???? You do realize that 90% of a highschoolers homework is on the computer? including books and labs? how is your 13 yr old going to do her homework? and you want it to be used for all of a highschoolers communication? you are not even being rational anymore.

 

[sammiwa]

They make a phone that has a full Qwerty (sp?) keypad on it and you set it up to a AOL account or something like it. you can then text back and forth as if you were on a cell phone. I test my DH and sibs on their cell phones all the time from AIM. you just have to hook it up through your computer for the texting to work. you can even upload ringtones for different callers and such.

Do you really think her friends are going to send texts to a phone that the entire house has access to? That will.not.happen. She is going to be completely and totally cut off from her friends at the exact time she really needs them.

There is being strict, and then there is being completely unreasonable. You, OP, are the latter. Unless this YOUNG ADULT has proven that she is completely untrustworthy and is failing out of school, you need to give her some leeway and let her spread her wings! She is going to be out of your house in under 2 years, and with the way you are treating her she will have NO idea of how to be an adult. You need to let her make some mistakes, grow and become her own person.

 

[pyrxtc]

quiet

 

[Kim♥DISNEY]

I have not read this whole thread .... so someone may have posted something similar.

If 13 is the oldest child you have, there is a BIG difference between 13 and 16. (And trust me, I love my children, but 16 is a challenge.) They are trying to be independent and forcing you (the parents) to let go.

Now, I don't have any step children and this makes your issues 10x worse. I am thinking you need to sit down with her ... with her dad and go over how things work in your house and all parties need to compromise a bit.

I do have bedtimes for my 16 and 15 year old sons, only on school nights (11PM). However, this does get broken when my oldest comes home from school and has spent every minute studying and still need more time.

As for the car situation, our state has mandatory times they need to be in (11PM). So, on weekends our son will sometimes not take the car since he is allowed to stay out until 12AM as long as we know where he is. Weeknights, they are allowed out until 10PM (and we tell him this is to respect the other family).

It really sounds like she is about to have a tough time being uprooted from what she has been doing with her mom. So my advice would be to pick your battles very carefully. If she is a good kid overall, give her a little leeway. However, since she is moving in with you I am suspecting there might be more to the story.

Good luck with everything. When I have to deal with telling my teenagers something they don't like, I keep telling them that we are doing this for their own good. They might not like it now, but we are doing it because we love them.....