how would you handle this ?

[chexie]

My DD 18 was reading thins and she said she really felt bad for the girl going to live in Hell! I thought that was a good way to put it

I agree with this

All I know is my parents were never this strict if they were like this i know i wouldn't respect them and would do everything in my power to defy them.

 

[Buckalew11]

Between things you say here and this of the past, I have to wonder, where's your DH been for this child? Making her appointments, driving her thither and yon, making appointments for her, teaching her to drive, etc. it sounds to me like he leaves it all up to you. Maybe that's where some of the resentment comes in.

I'd be for him taking some time to father his child because his time is running OUT.

And he does have *some* time...he's running the 5K, 1/2, and the whole marathon in January. That takes time and training. My DH has done those races a lot. He's trained for an Ironman. I know it takes time and we only have 1 child. You have 3 now and one 16yo on the way. Somewhere in his schedule he needs to carve out time. Esp. for this neglected daughter of his. He has 2 yrs. to make up for lost time with her. I'd seriously have a heart to heart with him because you will get more and more resentful and if the home becomes a warzone, he'll stay away more and more.

 

[Uuaww]

OP if you haven't figured it out already, you are going to make this girl miserable. Hopefully you aren't just skimming the critics to get to the people who agree with you. Maybe instead of controlling her, you should talk to her, and do with what she has been doing. IF it doesn't work, you can add rules, but isn't RESPONSIBILITY a large part about being a teenager? Some of the things you want are COMPLETELY unreasonable.

 

[MariDisney]

It's different. This wouldn't be a friend using a car occasionally, but a member of the household, therefore they have to be on the insurance - the only exception is if they have their own insurance policy and that carries over to if they use the parents car.

Thanks. I didn't know that.

 

[Nik's Mom]

I'm not going to give advice because the op has her mind made up. My heart breaks for the poor girl. I hope she can be strong for what lies ahead for her. It sounds like no one really wants her. That is beyond sad.

 

[pyrxtc]

answering

 

[Planogirl]

Again, when is she supposed to work?

 

[Acklander]

I don't believe you don't do that with a high schooler, my DD13 still likes to cuddle and we hug a lot. My kids know that I believe in them and that they can do anything they put their mind to.

Well, they can do anything except stay up past 9:30.

Seriously, you keep mentioning your 13 year old. There is a HUGE difference between a 13 year old and a 16 year old.

 

[ccgirl]

Rather than just laying down the law do you think you could have a discussion with her? I am known by my family as being a strict parent and I think some of those rules are very strict. Maybe you could come up with the "rules" together and she might feel like she belongs even more.

I agree with you the password to facebook. I also agree with no computer in a private place. My computer is in the family room. I would never look over my child's shoulder as they were typing but it is public.

The bedtime seems a little too much, even to me. My 7 yr old has a 9pm bedtime. I'm sure she's up some nights until 10pm. As long as she gets up in the morning, it is not a big deal to me. Speaking of getting up, being up before 10am even on weekends seems very strict as well. I know sometimes even I like to sleep in.

Sounds like you might be pushing her to rebel. I know not on purpose. If kids want to do something; they are going to do it no matter what time of day.

I think the last place a 16 year old wants to be is with their parents on Halloween. Having to spend every family function with you is also over board. Sounds like you are not willing to budge though.

I just hope she won't rebel too much.

 

[pyrxtc]

life

 

[Uuaww]

Nobody is just saying how they would handle this, they are all jumping on what a horrible mother I am. That she would be better off living in a foster home than here. She has not been asking for years, she asked once years ago and then changed her mind.

I had the rules and restrictions growing up, severe ones. DH did not have any rules or restrictions, he knows the trouble that you can get into and he did get into it. he thinks this is a great idea, some restrictions but not crazy. And yes, I don't think they are crazy.

Why not meet in the middle and talk to her? You said she's easy to talk to, why not just do that.

 

[RachaelA]

Nobody is just saying how they would handle this, they are all jumping on what a horrible mother I am. That she would be better off living in a foster home than here. She has not been asking for years, she asked once years ago and then changed her mind.

I had the rules and restrictions growing up, severe ones. DH did not have any rules or restrictions, he knows the trouble that you can get into and he did get into it. he thinks this is a great idea, some restrictions but not crazy. And yes, I don't think they are crazy.

But almost every single one of the posters responding are telling you they are crazy. That means something.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Nobody is just saying how they would handle this, they are all jumping on what a horrible mother I am. That she would be better off living in a foster home than here. She has not been asking for years, she asked once years ago and then changed her mind.

I had the rules and restrictions growing up, severe ones. DH did not have any rules or restrictions, he knows the trouble that you can get into and he did get into it. he thinks this is a great idea, some restrictions but not crazy. And yes, I don't think they are crazy.

I said exactly how I would handle it. Both how I persoanlly would truly handle it, and how I think you and your DH should handle it if you want ot impose a bunch of rules. NO it is not the only thing I said. I also gave you my reactions to your posts and the rules you want to enforce. Why? Not to tell you you are a bad person but because I think you NEED to hear this stuff and understand it so that your daughter has a chance.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Well, they can do anything except stay up past 9:30.

Seriously, you keep mentioning your 13 year old. There is a HUGE difference between a 13 year old and a 16 year old.

There is also a difference in a child that has been raised in the same household and a child that has visited every so often but basically has been left to her own devices.

This poor child has been left on her own so much it seems and now is coming into a household whether she wants to or not or if they even want her.

I'm telling you that coming from no rules to way too many rules is just asking for trouble. It's like locking the barn after the horse has ran away.

Once the trouble hits and we all know it will, this girl will no doubt say kiss her *** because she has been through and see heaven only knows what and just now getting help. I'm not going to say it's too little too late but it's way too much too fast.

 

[MushyMushy]

Telling a 16 year old WHEN to do their homework is also controlling in the extreme. Especially given that she is a good student. If she procrastinates and ends up turning in a project or two late, she will learn from that. You do not need to run out and buy things for her last minute (and i know how everything up there is closed early anyway) but you do not need to dictate to her what exact time of day she does her homework either.

I have to say when I was in grad school, I often did papers or projects the night before. Some people just do their best work when under pressure and looming deadlines. If her grades are already good, then she's obviously got it under control no thanks to any of the adults in her life. So just let her handle it!

 

[DeluxePrincess]

I don't believe you don't do that with a high schooler, my DD13 still likes to cuddle and we hug a lot.

First thing you need to do is to stop comparing your DD to your stepdaughter. Your DD has lived with you under your rules for her entire life. There is no way your stepdaughter is going to come into your house and automatically accept your rules like your DD does. At 16, she is entitled to a bit more freedom and trust than a 13yo. I agree that her father needs to play a bigger role in all of this. If it appears that all of these restrictions are coming just from you, then you will never see eye to eye.

 

[pyrxtc]

wonderful

 

[N&B'smom]

I treat the exact same way I treat my other kids with just slightly more leniency because she did not grow up in this house with our rules as norm. It is something that will be learned.

Leniency???

It's something that will be 'learned'???

What color is the sky in your world!?!?!?

 

[KiKi Mouse]

I agree !00%

I have to ask why do you hate her so much?
and what has she been convicted of?

She is your daughter not your prisoner!!!!! your tone drips of venom and hatred and so not welcoming that I want to call the girl and tell her to run now because that is what she is going to do. Their are prisons with less rules.

I predict she runs away within a month.

After reading the second post from the OP I sure wasn't feeling the love. Sounds like the OP has issues with the mother and is taking it out on the step daughter. What does Dad have to say about all of this?

I agree with the posters who say that your job as a parent is to make your house a home to this girl and to make her feel welcome. No need to hand her a list of rules the moment she walks through the doors. You are asking for trouble and yes, I could see this kid running away if she feels what I feel after reading this thread.

You are setting yourself up to be the stepmonster and inviting a ton of trouble into your life.

Do not forget the girl is 16 and that comes with it's own hormones and teen drama. It is a time in her life that she needs support not constant battles.

 

[pyrxtc]

music