how would you handle this ?

[DeluxePrincess]

And anyone who thinks that moving a 16 yr old in with you isn't going to cost a lot more, then I want some of what they are smoking.

I don't think anyone denies that having another child in your house will hit you financially, I just hope your stepdaughter does not feel as if she is a burden. I think the tone of the sentence quoted above says it all.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

They make a phone that has a full Qwerty (sp?) keypad on it and you set it up to a AOL account or something like it. you can then text back and forth as if you were on a cell phone. I test my DH and sibs on their cell phones all the time from AIM. you just have to hook it up through your computer for the texting to work. you can even upload ringtones for different callers and such.

http://www.opentip.com/Electronics-...e-Instant-Messaging-Capability-p-1828306.html

I had no idea. Thanks!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I don't think anyone denies that having another child in your house will hit you financially, I just hope your stepdaughter does not feel as if she is a burden. I think the tone of the sentence quoted above says it all.

I would assume also that OP's DH will no longer have to pay child support so that should help. And shouldn't the Mom of DSD be paying now since DSD is moving in with her dad?

 

[PatsMom]

Also, she will have to pay for her insurance and car bills plus gas for her car. we cannot add her to our insurance until all of the custody issues have been finalized and she officially changes her address to ours. Then she will only be driving our cars locally if needed. We will get her to a friends house if the timing works around anything already planned. We will even pick her up with a set time, not with a "I'm ready now" call. Occasional movies with friends, we will give her some money, school dances and things like that, we will give her some money. Anything above and beyond ($70 concert tickets) is not happening. We will buy her all her clothes and things she needs to live.

I don't believe that you have to wait for her address to officially change. Unless you have never had visitation at your house, since she is related by blood to your husband, I believe she can be consdered part of his household. You should check with you insurance agent. Cost to add her is the same whether she is driving your cars locally or to the town where her friends live. You are usually better off adding her car to your policy wiht her as the chief driver.

 

[AshleyW]

I said I didn't like them saying because I wasn't a Bio parent, that I am not allowed to parent.

And anyone who thinks that moving a 16 yr old in with you isn't going to cost a lot more, then I want some of what they are smoking.

Of course it will cost you more, but your step daughter shouldn't feel like she is a burden to you. She doesn't need to know how much extra it costs to have her living there. That isn't fair to her. My parents had some really bad money problems starting when I was 14 due to an injury of my mom's that required her to be off work... and they let me know just how much I was costing them, and it was AWFUL. I felt terrible just for living in the house, even though I was paying for everything myself. I moved out when I was 16 because I couldn't take it anymore. If you have issues with the money, take it up with the mom, but I wouldn't say a peep about it to your step daughter.

 

[allison443]

Also, she will have to pay for her insurance and car bills plus gas for her car. we cannot add her to our insurance until all of the custody issues have been finalized and she officially changes her address to ours. Then she will only be driving our cars locally if needed. We will get her to a friends house if the timing works around anything already planned. We will even pick her up with a set time, not with a "I'm ready now" call. Occasional movies with friends, we will give her some money, school dances and things like that, we will give her some money. Anything above and beyond ($70 concert tickets) is not happening. We will buy her all her clothes and things she needs to live.

How is she going to be able to get a job to pay for her insurance, car repair bills, and the laptop you mentioned she wants? You said her car needs repairs, you live far away from everything, etc. She can only drive your car locally and only if you don't need it for yourself or your other kids. I understand that, but isn't it unrealistic to expect her to get a job then?

 

[cm8]

DSD16 is moving in with us within the next week or so. we live about an hour from where she goes to school now. While she was here this weekend on visitation, she spoke of how she plans on going back to her old town just about every weekend and whenever she is not working. (She does not have a job yet but needs/wants one so she can pay for her car and insurance and stuff.) I reminded her that we do family things some weekends and she responded that she knows and she always misses it. (cuz it wasn't her weekend when event was happening or she chose not to come) She is already upset some about the move, the changes in bedtime and that she will have to be up more than a half hour before the bus comes since she will be sharing a bathroom here with DD13 in the mornings. She was very put out by that. She also doesn't like that I told her that I expect her to eat something for breakfast instead of the nothing she eats now at her moms.

I asked her about Halloween, whether she will be ToTing with us or wanted to stay home and hand out candy. (I'm trying to plan a costume if she needs one) She told me that she is sure that she has a couple of Halloween parties to go to and she had plans with her friend from current school. With Halloween on a Sunday night, I told her it would depend since she has school the next day. She responded with the fact that she has a 1 am curfew anyways with her license. I told her I didn't think so and I'm sure her curfew would be much earlier than that on a school night. She will have a9:30 bedtime on school nights and 10:30 on Fri/Sat and have to be home by at least 10 if not earlier since she did JUST get her license and snow will be coming soon and black ice even earlier.

Almost everything will be changing for her, school, rules, location (she lives in city with everything 5 minutes from her, here it is 20 minutes to grocery store further for everything else) and class size. our high school is 1/3 if not 1/4 the size her of her current school. I think she thinks that she will still have the freedoms that she was given at her moms. She isn't realizing that we have structure and rules and expect things other than doing your school work. She also noted yesterday that she planned on buying a laptop when she had enough money (with a car that needs repairs and insurance and all, I don't think it will be for a while anyways.) I know she doesn't realize that even if she bought it, she would not be allowed to use it upstairs and that her father and I would have full access to it to see what she is doing online. Also, if she wants to keep her Facebook, we need the password for random checks. (we are already friends with her but I know that you can hide certain things from who you don't want to see them) We have a family computer readily available and out in the open. When I told her she would be using that one, she flinched.

DH and I need some advice on how to handle this. Going out on a school night late is a definite no. It is an hour away to boot. If she isn't working and we have something family thing going on, then we expect her to participate , not go to her old town. her friends are welcome up here any time within reason and with permission gotten beforehand.

We will be writing down rules for her when she gets here and officially moves in. We want her to know what we expect of her in this house but know that we will come across things we have not had to deal with before. I think the second hardest thing for her will be that she will be without a cell phone for a while. She has had one since she was 11 or so, but her service does not work up here.

It will be a big change for everyone in the house.

Wow, I think that you three need to sit down and work out an agreement that she can live with. Teenagers are not likely to follow rules that seem harsh and restrictive to them. I think you should play it by ear and see how she adjust before hammering her with the rules. A bedtime is just that, and I'm not sure that she should be forced to eat and other things just because you said. Please don't set her up for failure, give her a chance to show that she can't be trusted to be responsible before you assume she is

 

[Cinderella94]

When do you expect her to work to pay for all of this if she has to be in bed by 9:30 or whatever absurd bedtime you came up with?

And of course bringing another person into the family will cost more, no one has denied that, but I sure hope she doesn't feel the resentment you seem to harbor because of it.

 

[SaraJayne]

If she has to get a job to pay for all her car stuff, what is she supposed to drive to get there? Since you refuse to let her drive your car?

Think about that one logically. It doesn't make any sense.

 

[pyrxtc]

party

 

[allison443]

And anyone who thinks that moving a 16 yr old in with you isn't going to cost a lot more, then I want some of what they are smoking.

Of course, all kids cost money. This isn't a random 16 year old, it's your DH's daughter.

 

[tlbwriter]

everything from who showers when to when the tv is on (are you really going to keep the tv off for all kids if DSD has an all night project to work on? The younger kids are going to start resenting her if you limit them because of her and vice versa)

Actually, I think the showering rule isn't a bad idea. It sounds like DSD is coming from a home where she wasn't competing with anyone for bathroom time in the morning, and she's used to "just in time" showering. When you're sharing a bathroom, you need to work out a schedule so everybody doesn't think they can have the shower exactly 30 minutes before the bus gets there. But it can't be "Since DD is used to showering at 7:30, you'll just have to get up earlier." Don't make her Cinderella. Let others adjust their schedules around her needs sometimes - I'm not seeing a lot of that in your plan.

 

[joviroxx]

OP, I can't quite figure out if you have some kind of resentment to your DSD , you really have no idea what a 16 yr old needs or you are just the biggest controlling person I have ever seen. There is so much "I" in your posts. I expect, I want, I demand, I I I....

A family isn't just about making rules for your kids to be good little soldiers. The comment about feeding the dog for free struck me odd. I don't get paid anything I do at home, buy my DS12 and DD do get an allowance for chores. Why? Because Im teaching them how to earn and save money. My DS puts himself to bed, why? Because he needs to learn the importance of being rested. When they are young, yes, you make them do things, when they are older, you let them LEARN things. Just following rules doesn't teach you how to be an adult. When those rules are gone, then what? This is the time that you let go a bit and let them realize that the rules they had as kids were there for a reason. You do this now while they are still in your care to help them when they do fail or mess up.

16 is a tough age even for those with "normal" upbringings. Like others have said, you are headed for failure. You asked what we would do but the truth is, I think you are looking for support, not advice. You seem pretty much adamant and decided. I wonder if there is someone else in your life that is telling you the same thing and you thought support on this board might giving you a "see I'm right" help.

16 is not 13. Your DSD is not you. By your words, she is a great student, you don't worry about drinking or getting pregnant.. All of that without living with you! Trust her and work with her, not against her. THATS WHAT I WOULD DO.

Also, teens and kids are very perceptive. Just because they don't hear something, doesn't mean they don't pick up on it or feel it.

 

[pyrxtc]

short

 

[hambirg]

I said I didn't like them saying because I wasn't a Bio parent, that I am not allowed to parent.

And anyone who thinks that moving a 16 yr old in with you isn't going to cost a lot more, then I want some of what they are smoking.

Well, you aren't her parent and you have no legal rights to parent her. Just sayin. . .

As far as the cost, your DH is legally obligated to support her financially. If he has full physical custody than he can collect child support from her mother. He should get a child support order. How do you think her mother did it until she was 16?

 

[pyrxtc]

hugs

 

[Hannathy]

When do you expect her to work to pay for all of this if she has to be in bed by 9:30 or whatever absurd bedtime you came up with?

Yes when is she supposed to work? and get her homework done while sharing a computer with 3 other kids all by 9:30, oh and using it for communication with the friends she isn't allowed to see anymore?

She could easily need to computer for 3 hours every night just for homework. So when are the other kids going to get their work done since they must be in bed by 7:30 if an older teen is in by 9:30.

 

[pyrxtc]

wow

 

[LiberalPrincess]

I said I didn't like them saying because I wasn't a Bio parent, that I am not allowed to parent.

And anyone who thinks that moving a 16 yr old in with you isn't going to cost a lot more, then I want some of what they are smoking.

Of course it is going to cost more, but it sounds as if you are looking at it as a burden. Why is your husband's daughter any less deserving than your children?

Are you leaving out a lot of backstory? She sounds like a pretty good kid and a good student. A lot of your rules seem to be punishing her for past misdeeds. Is that true? Why not let her assimilate into the household before presenting what may be unnecessary rules? If she has a history of not doing homework, then I understand extra guidance needed. If she has fainted in the past from lack of breakfast, then that makes sense as well. The same if she is known for sleeping through classes because she stayed up too late or abusing existing curfews. But, unless those things are true, again, your rules seem more like punishments for a 16 year old rather than a reasonable set of guidelines to keep your home running smoothly.

You mentioned that you had strict rules growing up while your husband didn't. Yet here you are both in the same place, and he obviously turned out just fine. It seems like a little compromise on your part could go a long way. And I hope and pray that the tone about your step-daughter that is coming out here is just exacerbated and that the way you talk about her here, as if she is a burden and someone to be controlled, and it is not an example of how you come across to her in real life. No 16 year old, especially one that seems to not have had a lot of support in the past, yet has turned out pretty well, deserves that. I think you may want to reconsider, at the very least, the cell phone. It will be her primary link to her friends, and it just seems mean to deny her that access. There is controlling for saftey sake, and then there is just being controlling. A few of your points seem to cross way over that line.

This is your husband's daughter, and she deserves all the respect and equality that any of your other kids receive. Just as I am sure you will hope that your daughter should recieve from her stepmother.

 

[mjkacmom]

If she has to get a job to pay for all her car stuff, what is she supposed to drive to get there? Since you refuse to let her drive your car?

Think about that one logically. It doesn't make any sense.

This. She has a car, but can't get it fixed until she gets a job and money. However, she can't get a job because she doesn't have a car. In this situation, she can find a job, and the OP can lend her money for the repairs and insurance, and her DSD can pay them back after working a while.