How would you handle this family problem?

[pigletgirl]

I would consider myself a fairly new parent. Currently we only have 1 child and she's 15.5 months old. But, since the day she arrived there have been criticisms about my parenting. I had one friend tell me that cloth diapering is just a fad, so I should use disposable... Another mentioned that DD will be "too" spoiled and that she needs a sibling, ASAP...

If you don't have thick skin these comments can get to you rather quickly. I know it's been said over and over again, but you do what is best for your family! And as I like to say, "quit looking at the speck in my eye when you have a log in your own!"

 

[trudyt623]

I think the point has been made but I will chime in also
1. Your job is to protect your children at any cost
2. I agree that this person is lacking within themself
3. You can speak to this person in private and ask him/her to stop and if it does not stop then you will need to separate yourself and children from it.

Keep in mind his/her children will probably become the same way.

Good luck

 

[smiths02]

I am a long standing poster here but I've created this account to ask this as it's a bit close to home and in the past other posts have been found. How do you handle people who criticize your children or the way you parent? I don't mean in terms of a difference of lifestyles or that one kid is a swimmer and the other kid isn't, I mean when it's absolutely personal and it comes from an immediate person in your family? This person is extremely passive aggressive, we all know it and it's been an ongoing problem for months now but when it's about your kids, do you just brush it off like they do when they criticize you? I feel like by swallowing the accusations, assumptions and blatant lies and just keeping quiet for an easy life, it gives them the right to keep doing it. If I say anything I know it will explode and I don't want that for anyone, especially the kids because they all love each other. I just feel like I've been pushed and pushed and that I don't know how much more I can take. To explain again, I don't mean just a difference of parenting styles, this was a definitive "you are useless, clueless and do it wrong" type situation while verbally bad mouthing my kids. But it's ok ya know, because family can do that?

I am shocked, hurt and angry. Am I alone or do y'all also struggle with the balance of keeping the peace without wanting to be walked all over?

I have no confidence in myself. It is a terrible problem. I also hate confrontation.

That being said, I don't think you balance peace with being walked all over. You have to stand up for yourself. You have to find a way that is not mean or rude. Be as matter of fact as you can. If it turns into an argument, the other person looks like the jerk. If it is still an argument, then you have to limit contact.

 

[AnAmericanInDisney]

Without specifics, I don't know if I can comment. I will say that I am a bit of a know it all which certain things having to do with my nephew. He will be 4 next month, still sleeps in his parents' bed (they have coslept since infancy and he has never spent a single night in his own bed) and more disturbingly he still NURSES. He is almost tall enough to stand and suckle. Its just creepy. I tell my sister this whenever I see it. I probably should not since it is her child and her choices, but I just can't keep my mouth shut. Now I will say that I do not make comments in front of the boy since that is just wrong to do that to him.
I am currently pregnant with twins and i know there are a lot of things that I will do that she will not approve of (we have already discussed some of my plans and she has told me how "wrong" they are), but I don't let it bother me. If the things that are being said about your parenting are causing a rift, perhaps you should attempt to sit down with the people making the comments and see what the issue is.

Yeah, you need to stop that. Your opinions are no more valid than your nephew's mom's opinions (unless abuse is an issue). My niece nursed til she was 4, and now that she is getting ready to graduate high school, we all laugh about it (even her mom and dad). We tell her she nursed til she was 8 or until high school, etc. She is beautiful, healthy, and first in her class, so it might have done some good. Not your kid, not your decision.

 

[poohfriend77]

I would consider myself a fairly new parent. Currently we only have 1 child and she's 15.5 months old. But, since the day she arrived there have been criticisms about my parenting. I had one friend tell me that cloth diapering is just a fad, so I should use disposable... Another mentioned that DD will be "too" spoiled and that she needs a sibling, ASAP...

If you don't have thick skin these comments can get to you rather quickly. I know it's been said over and over again, but you do what is best for your family! And as I like to say, "quit looking at the speck in my eye when you have a log in your own!"

I'd let those kind of criticisms slide too, for the sake of peace. My MIL made it clear she thought it was ridiculous that I was teaching my baby sign language when she could hear perfectly well (and then gushed about how wonderful it was that DD could communicate so well by her first birthday ). She also insinuated we were too overprotective (and in hindsight, we probably were a bit). I let those things go, because in my mind, I KNEW I was doing what was right for our family.

However, it seems like OP is talking about something a bit more serious. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, has a free pass to say hurtful things to my kids. I will stand up for them every time, and I hate confrontation as much as anyone. My father was verbally abusive, and it still stings (at age 36) that my mom made excuses and "kept the peace" instead of telling him it was NOT OK to talk to me like that.

OP-- at the very least, you need to say "Why would you say something so hurtful?" and walk away. Keeping quiet is like telling your kid you agree with whatever horrible things were said.

 

[Jing]

It is evident from the responses that at least a few of the folks on here are on/have been on the Baby Center DWIL forum. OP, you need to look into it: http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation

Family can only do to you what you let them do to you. Family does not have a right to treat you badly - they should be held to a higher expectation than strangers, not a lesser one. Why would you brush off disrespect aimed at you? If your children are hearing this person berate you, you are teaching them that this behavior is acceptable, both giving it and taking it. By "immediate" are you talking about your SO? The reason I ask is that your family of orgin becomes your extended family once you have your own (ie. my mother, father, and brother are extended family, my immediate family are my husband and son).

Read Family Ties That Bind - an excellent resouce to help guide redefinition of yout role in the family with whomever you are talking about

 

[Aunt Bee]

If the relative were to do this in front of me and my children, I would politely but firmly say, "my children are wonderful and special and the way we do things may be different than the way you do things, but all families are different and our way is our way and I'm not going to talk about this with you any more." And then I'd repeat that phrase over and over until the relative got the picture. I'd just be firm but polite and never, ever raise my voice or get angry...

People who do what you are talking about love confrontation; they thrive on conflict and argument. So don't oblige. You can stand up for yourself and your children without being angry or rude or confrontational; just say you aren't discussing your child rearing, that you are happy with your own way of doing things, that your children are wonderful just as they are, and that's that.

 

[LuvOrlando]

There is a difference between a reality check that comes from love & concern and abusive digs. OP, your post leads me to think you know the difference & that something subversively hostile is going on & IMO, if this is what you see there is a good chance even worse is going on when you arent paying attention. You dont need to confront it because she will make you the bad guy- but you can be forever too busy and make plans that fall on the same day. I've got 2 charmers next door and they are all just a hornets nest. My MIL takes shots all the time & makes comments about how me bringing my kids to church is 'brainwashing' on & on- I'm mainstream moderate with a really common Faith. I tried for ages to keep her kookiness in check because I had to cut ties with my lunatic family and really wanted my kids to have a loving nurturing extended family to fall back on. Well, that just wasnt in the cards for us on either side & I just made peace with it. After a few unplesant run ins i basically just stopped trying & more or less cut them off so they cant do any harm. Nowadays we see them here and there but limit contact because like anything toxic, lower doses are more easily tolerated.

A recent kook alert includes my MIL neglecting & nearly killing my dogs last year (one had cancer- thankfully I had a friend check in on them we were in Disney all I did was cry for 10 days and come home to a smelly house full of smeared diarrhea and filthy dog bedding because she didnt wash it in the cage) and us going on vacation in this June and coming home to a candle & rock waterfall suprise she erected in our daughters room without permission- we call it 'the shrine' - c r e e p y because she's always doing weird stuff that leaves my son out. Cant fix crazy but you can limit its impact.

Mind you, i still do right by them. They both just had knee surgery and I do a lot of cooking and send it over and clean and offer to shop. I've also have my son go over and mow the lawn and invite them over for dinner from time to time but i set up boundaries and most time we spend with them is at their house so I can leave- i've made it to the interactions are on my terms only. When my mother-in-law makes digs I just say things like, 'isn't it wonderful that we all had our own children to raise as we see fit.' Or ' i think its cool that everyone has the freedom to their own personal truths.' Not a fix but its tolerablefor my husband and childrens sake- personally I'd be fine if I never saw them again but it's not all about me.

Good luck

 

[SweetMissy]

Without specifics, I don't know if I can comment. I will say that I am a bit of a know it all which certain things having to do with my nephew. He will be 4 next month, still sleeps in his parents' bed (they have coslept since infancy and he has never spent a single night in his own bed) and more disturbingly he still NURSES. He is almost tall enough to stand and suckle. Its just creepy. I tell my sister this whenever I see it. I probably should not since it is her child and her choices, but I just can't keep my mouth shut. Now I will say that I do not make comments in front of the boy since that is just wrong to do that to him.
I am currently pregnant with twins and i know there are a lot of things that I will do that she will not approve of (we have already discussed some of my plans and she has told me how "wrong" they are), but I don't let it bother me. If the things that are being said about your parenting are causing a rift, perhaps you should attempt to sit down with the people making the comments and see what the issue is.

Instead of criticizing, why not find out why your sister makes the choices she does? With our 1st kid, we were pretty mainstream parents....did what "everyone" else was doing, listened to every word our doctors told us, etc etc. 2 kids later and now considered a "crunchy mom"...I can totally understand where your sister is coming from...because I research everything when it comes to anything, lol...and know the reasons your sister has chosen those particular decisions. I won't get into the reasons here because frankly I'm beyond the debating part of my life and unfortunately such topics turn into a debate. Just try to research what your sister is doing and you might learn something and appreciate her decisions. You have babies on the way....research research research.

 

[Jedana]

It's hard to comment without knowing the situation. Maybe they are being rude. On the other hand what if you don't discipline your children and let them run wild? I have a friend who keeps threatening her children with "we're gong to leave if you don't behave" over and over again while her children misbehave at my house, restaurants etc.

BTDT.
My friend had 2 girls, ages 5 and 6--older was same age as my DD2. We used to go out to eat. Twice. I couldn't do that again---they threw their food on the floor and on the windows (and I'm not talking fine dining here, we were at the McDonald's with a play place). They took their milkshakes up in the slides and poured them down the slides. One threw a shoe at another kid because the kid was sitting in a spot that the girl wanted.

So, no more eating out. Let's do a playdate at the house, instead. Oh, bad idea...

I ended up having to tell the friend that we have certain rules in my house, and her kids need to abide by them just as my kids do. Easy rules, like not pulling the cat around by her tail or sticking their hands in the fish tanks trying to catch fish. After the 2nd visit, involving me having to constantly pull kids off of counters (trying to pull down the "COOL GLASSES" aka crystal stemware and out of the oven--seriously, one of her kids was climbing into the oven so they could play Hansel and Gretel), I told her that she was welcome without the kids, but until they were better behaved, they had to stay home.

These kids were holy terrors all the time. Mom was "oh, kids will be kids". And they will be, but they don't need to be food throwing little monsters at age 5 and 6.

That friendship died very quickly. Even DD was amazed at their behavior. They went into separate classes and their friendship died out as well.

 

[Jedana]

Yeah, you need to stop that. Your opinions are no more valid than your nephew's mom's opinions (unless abuse is an issue). My niece nursed til she was 4, and now that she is getting ready to graduate high school, we all laugh about it (even her mom and dad). We tell her she nursed til she was 8 or until high school, etc. She is beautiful, healthy, and first in her class, so it might have done some good. Not your kid, not your decision.

I agree. I have nieces and nephews that I think the parents did a horrible job with and now they are making the same "mistakes" that their parents did, but it's not my job to fix them. The only time I say anything is if they are at my house, and then it's to the parents that we don't do that in my house.

My In-laws pretty much stay out of my life. I see them maybe once a year, on either 4th of July or Easter, if we drive the 2 hours to see them. Only once in the last 7 years, since we moved so close, have they tried to see us. (Ok I take that back. My MIL and SIL came down once; my DH's cousins came down once for DD2's wedding.)

But when DD2 was a year, and DH took her back for a family reunion, his mom told him he was a bad parent for bouncing her on the bed. (He'd put her on the bed and pop the bed beside her, making her jump maybe an inch or so off the mattress). He was also going to make her "funny" (MIL's code for lesbian/gay) because we let her play with cars.

 

[Shanna-like-Banana]

I have no problem out-right telling anybody who is verbally abusing a child to shut-it.

Even my own mom, even my own MIL, even my own aunt, even my brother.

You're not going to verbally abuse my kids, just because you wanna get your panties in a wad about something.