How would you fix this? (long and kinda whiny)

[anotherdismom]

I recognignize that a lot of this is of my own making, but I'm at a loss as to how to make it right.

First of all, my DH and I cannot see eye to eye on finances. I'm a saver/hoarder when it comes to money, and he spends it long before he gets it. While money=security to me (working on it - I promise), I think spending money=happiness to DH. One week, he's talking about being responsible with $$ - paying down our little bit of non-housing debt, etc. and the next week he's talking about going to Disney, checking prices, making plans, everyday for two weeks until I give in. As I mentioned, I'd like to get a good next egg setup (we don't even have 1 month of bills in savings, much less the 3-6 that I would *like*) to have, but every time he has money coming in (or worse - *thinks* he has money coming), he's looking for a new way to spend it!!! We need new kitchen floors, but after being pestered daily about DL I give up.. and now that I have, I'm mad - at both of us... but yeah, mostly at him, b/c I feel pressured to take this trip, and now we're financially strapped b/c the $$ he expected didn't come through. Not his fault that the $$ didn't come through and they should, eventually, but this is *NOT* the way I want to manage our/my finances...

I feel so disenfranchised in my life right now. I was laid off in the dot.com bust and took a job closer to home that would work better for my family, but took a huge cut in pay. I lost my job again in the financial melt down and again am working at a job I don't really care for and now I've lost my health benefits. We're paying for my medical out of pocket b/c medical through dh work is $$$$$$ but I've no dental and the coverage is pretty basic...

To top it off I've either completely lost my ability to cope or I'll swear I'm bipolar. Everytime something goes wrong I go into a tail-spin and get depressed/sad/overwhelmed by everything. But then I won't go see a Dr. b/c even if I do, that's just going to run into more $$$ and there we go again!!

I just feel like I'm at the bottom of the list for everything. Its not like I can't spend $$, dh doesn't care what I spend, but then dh spends like $$$ grows on trees...

I just don't know what to do. And yes, I know I have SOOO much to be thankful for, but I just can't move on, I try, really, but after a few days of being fine I'm a basket case again.

 

[SandrA9810]

Are there any free counselors available in your area??

Seems like you need a marriage counselor to open up the doors of communication first. Then seek out a financial advisor for that savings you need, it seems many companies are offering it to draw more in. Fidelity for long term savings, banks for the emergency funds. And it seems like you need to keep these separate from your current bank. Get him in the habit of paying himself first. It also significantly helps if his direct deposit can be divided into more than one bank or account.
Working at Disney, you could add like up to 4 accounts to the direct deposit list. You could make it a percentage or set dollar amount. And of course the 401k was a percentage as well. I had 15% of the paychecks set up go into a separate savings account away from the main account. If I didn't see it, I didn't care about it. It just kept growing. Times changed, and so I changed it to a set dollar amount. All I did was look at the bottom of the paystub to what was going into the main checking account, I didn't even bother to see what was going into savings because I couldn't use it.

If he doesn't care what you spend money on. Pull money out to say you went out to eat or something. Every pay day think of someplace fancy you'd like to eat, how much it would cost. Then go some place significantly cheaper, enjoy your meal, enjoy your savings, and put the difference into a savings account or money jar at home. All you have to do is say "you went out to eat". You need to "spend" it (aka pay yourself first) before he has an opportunity to spend it.

It might also work better to have one person in charge of the finances. Some people it works great that both can handle it together. Sometimes it's best that one person deals with everything, and opinions can be given by the other on what they would like.

 

[hffmnheidi]

I think you two need to get on the same page, financially, or it is going to lead to longer term problems in your relationship.

You can't always give in to what your husband wants. Maybe talk to him about setting up a special savings account for Disney and when it gets to a certain amount, agree to take the trip then and only then. You have to be strong and explain to him what would happen if one of your incomes was suddenly gone-what would happen then? Where would you be? What would happen if you had a major catastrophe? Does he realize what his pressuring you is doing to your health?

If the little things are seriously sending you into tailspins, you need to go talk to someone and get yourself handled first if you are the responsible one for bills, ect... There are some great counseling groups out there that can help at reduced fees. Open up the phone book and start calling and explaining your financial sitation, you'd be surprised at how many are willing to work with you. Or call your local hospital and ask them for referrals, ect... Please don't put off getting some help.

 

[wishiwereindisney]

so sorry for your situation

i know it is counterintuitive but i would spend the money to talk to someone to get the help you need emotionally - when you are able to feel better yourself i am sure the situation will seem more manageable. i agree that i think that if you and dh could talk to someone together you can reach a middle ground that works for both of you.

in the meantime i would try to have an honest discussion with dh and say that you are simply not comfortable with spending as it is and maybe set aside a % of your income you can both agree on to save?

hang in there!

 

[disneyfans95]

Fix it?

Get a job you WANT to work at. Sit with the DH and hit a middle ground that both of you can work with regarding savings and how your budget works for your life (as it is now)

Don't get hung up with the peaks and valleys.. This is a long ride and you don't want to get all broken up when things don't go your way..

Again, long road in front of you... Get on the same page, understand there will be days you jump ahead in your budget and others where you step back.

 

[anotherdismom]

re: free/reduced price counseling - we can afford it, just would prefer not to spend the $$, the list of things we need/want is long enough... its all about choices, right

I'll get with DH on the budget and see if we can make some headway. I just feel like we keep doing the same song/dance, coming up with a plan and then not sticking to it.

I do know there are ups/downs, but gosh darn it, my downs suck rotten eggs right now and I know I have it good, I *really* *really* do, but dang it all to heck I just can't seem to make peace with my life right now for any reasonably significant period of time and by all accounts my life couldn't be any better, so why do I feel so overwhelmed, incapable and wishing there were a way out?

I've only been at the job for about a month and though I don't like it much, the hours rock (take kids to school, time for errands after work and then time to pick them up), and its where I'm "supposed to be." I don't know why, but I know God wants me there. I'm trying to be obedient on that one, but I'm not happy about. Its a fine job, and my co-workers are great - I just feel like I've lost all hope of ever having a "career" aka "real job" again and its only gotten worse. Is 37 too young for a mid-life crisis??? LOL (sortof)

Thanks for the support... I appreciate it... I just need to "talk" to someone.

 

[Honeymooner04]

First of all, hugs to you! I've been in your exact situation and know exactly how you are feeling.

Second of all, as a disclaimer, the advice that I'm about to give has worked for MY situation and I understand that it may not be right for everyone and that everyone is not going to agree with me. But, what has been working for us is that we separated our finances. And it has made a world of difference. He has his money, I have my money. He has the bills he is responsible for and I have mine. When we want to go out to eat we either split the cost or one or the other picks up the tab.

If you had suggested this approach to me when we first got married and I would have said no way, we're married, it's our money. Well, that just didn't work for us. Just something to consider as you work on this.

Good luck to you! I hope you can find some peace with this problem soon!

 

[pearlieq]

re: free/reduced price counseling - we can afford it, just would prefer not to spend the $$, the list of things we need/want is long enough... its all about choices, right

Your health is at the top of the list of needs.

Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. If you suspected you had diabetes would you put off getting it treated? Your mental health is just the same.

You don't have to commit to years of therapy. Start with a few evaluation sessions with a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist just to figure out what you're dealing with.

If you have some mild/moderate depression, you may be able to treat it through medication (many of the most prescribed drugs are now generic and very cheap) and maybe a therapy group or short-term counseling.

If you have severe depression or bipolar disorder, you need treatment. These are serious diseases that can really effect your quality of life and day to day function. Untreated, they can also lead you to make some very destructive decisions in your life.

You're worth taking care of. I hope you can get some help.

 

[KAA1972]

Your health is at the top of the list of needs.

Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. If you suspected you had diabetes would you put off getting it treated? Your mental health is just the same.

You don't have to commit to years of therapy. Start with a few evaluation sessions with a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist just to figure out what you're dealing with.

If you have some mild/moderate depression, you may be able to treat it through medication (many of the most prescribed drugs are now generic and very cheap) and maybe a therapy group or short-term counseling.

If you have severe depression or bipolar disorder, you need treatment. These are serious diseases that can really effect your quality of life and day to day function. Untreated, they can also lead you to make some very destructive decisions in your life.

You're worth taking care of. I hope you can get some help.

First of all, I agree 100% with the poster I quoted above. You need to see the doctor.

I would recommend financial counseling seminar. I know Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey is supposed to be a good seminar and I think it is affordable. I would recommend a seminar as oppose to just getting a book and trying to do it yourself. Hubby could see this as you trying to "teach" him which he might not be as receptive to as someone else teaching him...

Best of luck! Hang in there!!

 

[eeyorethegreat]

It sounds like you are a person of faith. Do you have a church home? Perhaps you could get counselling through the church. How about a marriage retreat most churches have those or your pastor could reccomend one. Does your Church do financial freedom workshops. Some use Dave Ramsey other churches use other programs but it sounds like this could be a help. You could make it a night out learn about financial choices and have some fellowship too. But what it boils down to is that you and your husband need to have some serious talks to open up those lines of communication. Both trying not to be hostile or accusatory when you talk (cause it is easy to get that way even if you don't mean too). Communication is the key in relationships. Maybe you can find out why he feels to be happy he has to spend and on the other hand find out why (aside from the obvious security) you feel a need to not spend even when it is needed (ie going to get some counselling for your depressive iisues).

 

[disneydreamersx4]

I'm no help, I fit your DH description to a T, spendaholic
but what we do with finances has seriously helped our budget. DH set me up with a separate ATM card that he deposits money for what I need for the week mainly just groceries. If I need more money, he says we don't have it I hope somehow you and your DH can come to a good solution because imo your situation sounds like you need just one person to control the finances. good luck I know it's not easy

 

[Jaime4004]

I totally had to give my husband an "allowance." He would spend every dime he had otherwise. If he wanted something big, he had to save up for it. I am completely in charge of the finances, which we both agree to, because he had horrible credit before we met. As he says, he would pay bills when the company would give him a friendly telephone call that they were overdue. We've been together 10 yrs now, both of our credit scores are great, and we finally have (a little) money saved. So he's happy to just go with the flow. If your husband doesn't mind, I agree with a PP that one person in charge of the money can work better sometimes... We have spreadsheet showing all the monthly bills. I check them off as they are paid and it shows how much money we have left. If there is some extra, I move it to our "vacation fund" in the savings account.

 

[labdogs42]

I say go with the allowance concept. Your Dh sounds a lot like mine. He is doing pretty well with his "allowance" so far. We have only been doing that for about 6 months now, but we argue a lot less about money since we implemented it. Or totally separate the finances.

 

[lovepurple]

Your DH sounds a lot like mine. Not only does mine like to spend money, he will spend the same dollar twice. He'll get a new electronic gadget and say he is using the money his mom gave him for his birthdy even though he already spent that money before he even got it on something else. It is very frustrating. He is the breadwinner so it is hard for me to say anything but when I feel he is getting too far out of control I do put my foot down and tell him I am going to stop doing all the bill paying and he can figure out how to pay everything on time.
Hang in there with the job. New jobs always have an adjustment period.

 

[anotherdismom]

Your DH sounds a lot like mine. Not only does mine like to spend money, he will spend the same dollar twice. He'll get a new electronic gadget and say he is using the money his mom gave him for his birthdy even though he already spent that money before he even got it on something else. It is very frustrating. He is the breadwinner so it is hard for me to say anything but when I feel he is getting too far out of control I do put my foot down and tell him I am going to stop doing all the bill paying and he can figure out how to pay everything on time.
Hang in there with the job. New jobs always have an adjustment period.

Yeah - my DH to a 'T' he's gotten better, but if he "knows" he has money coming he spends it, so if a check is late, things are tight. And somehow he forgets to figure in the extra $300 for this that and the other that we really did need and every time a gadget comes on sale he wants to buy it. Then he starts shopping for a new laptop for me... I don't need one! Really! I'd rather save the money for something we need.

We did have a good talk tonight he promises to try to do better - especially with regards to spending $$ before its "in the bank." We also went over our budget priorities and talked about reducing future vacation plans. The budget will be ok - it really is only money, its just so frustrating that we can't seem to make headway on it.

He agreed to having some $$ pulled directly into savings, which will help.

He also has his own allowance and has for awhile... Its really helpful, and he uses it on things like lunch, coffee, electronics, etc.. He's supposed to get $100 a month for all that kind of stuff but it ends up being more... and though its his from extra work outside of his day job, it still bugs me that he spends so much of it on toys instead of.... I dunno to replace bald tires and stuff like that... which instead comes out of savings, depleting it.

I think those of you suggeting counselling are right though. We really do need to go. Individually and as a couple... for him to figure out why he "needs" all this stuff and for me to figure out why having some $$ in the bank is more important than my good mental and physical help.

Thanks again.

 

[windycitymom]

On the Disney boards, I've learned about Dave Ramsey. So, when I was browsing his website (www.DaveRamsey.com) I checked out "Financial Peace University". I found classes nearby and the first class was free! My hubby and I just finished week 3 (out of week 13). I can tell you that we are finally on the same page financially!! We are new to this, BUT, we are now on the same page!! This FPU should be a recommended course for all newlyweds. Doing the classes together is better than reading his book!

With my Dave Ramsey FPU membership kit, I was given a CD to share with a friend...this is not a CD you listen to, but a CD of information (that you put into your computer) that you can click on and read about, and forms to download, etc. I'll be happy to send you a copy if you PM me your address.

p.s. I totally understand your stress! The TWO of you need to work on this together. Good luck!

 

[anotherdismom]

With my Dave Ramsey FPU membership kit, I was given a CD to share with a friend...this is not a CD you listen to, but a CD of information (that you put into your computer) that you can click on and read about, and forms to download, etc. I'll be happy to send you a copy if you PM me your address.

Thanks so much. He really knows the right thing to do, we both do. We did a financial managment class from Crown Ministries years ago. Its really just a matter of sticking to the plan and I feel like the "Mom" sometimes with him financially, like I'm always saying "no" or something, when really he needs to look at his "fun" account and leave the family budget alone.

I just feel like a stick in the mud having to remind him all the time that our priority is X, Y or Z instead of him growing up and taking responsibility himself to meet the goals that we have set.

We did have a good talk tonight and I put some things on paper that I would like to see happen that he agreed with... In a tone of "this is what works for me... will this work for you, or what would you like to do." He really took it very well, but yeah like I said before, if we're back in this spot again in 6 months or less, I do need to bite the bullet and invest in some marriage/personal counselling to work through this stuff.

 

[njmom47]

I vote for separate finances also!
I just don't understand how my husband views money and handles his checking account, so we have kept separate checking accounts as well as a joint savings account (I also have a small separate savings account at the credit union through my job).
We are flexible with our money though, I mean if he needs gas money I'll give it to him and vice versa.
As long as we have money in our savings and the bills are paid, I'm ok with it.

 

[anotherdismom]

Quick update for anyone interested... what a difference a day (or two makes)... I've really been doing better since Wed. and had a great day yesterday... and I think maybe its b/c I forgot to take my b/c... I did a little searching today and found:
While Microgestin may work for some women, it has caused random depression, fits of rage, nausea after eating, and made my sex drive almost zero.

no nausea, but the rest fits to a 'T' so I'm going to call my ob and get a prescription for something different... Honestly, I've been through counselling before, and I just don't feel like that's where my issue is... more like something else is messing me up... even considered sugar (too much) as a cause (total sweet freak) but that wasn't lining up.

thanks for your thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement... I really appreciate it and it really helped a lot!!

If it weren't for the cramping, bloating and diarrhea I got pre-pill I'd toss the whole routine... well after hubby joins the v-club anyway...