How to rekindle a marriage...UPDATE POST #96...

[PaulaSue]

No advice but will be thinking Good Thoughts for You and Your Family!

 

[DMickey28]

I agree with what everyone has said. I particularly like bugbeerlady's story. Your DH seems that he still loves you and still wants to make this work. He was probably bored and went out with this other women only to realize that it was a mistake (he told you and he told her he is married). Now he just needs to sort somethings out.

I think he needs to know how much you love him. Also the idea about just keeping him up-to-date with the lives in your house like bugbeerlady's friend is a great idea. He's not asking you to leave him alone, he's not asking for a divorce, he's just asking for space. I think that's a great way to show him how you care and how important he is in your lives.

What you have written has hit home with me. We have been married almost 2 years and together 4. No kids yet. I have gained about 35lbs since we met and 25lbs since we married. I feel HORRIBLE about myself and things upset me a lot.. I realize I need to change that, but your most made me realize how much I need to.

 

[Jsme]

Stormie Omartian is a great author of Power Of A Praying Wife/Husband. These are great books. My husband suggested buying them a while back when we were having issues in our marrige.

Marrige is not perfect as we all know. I do not think anyone had any idea how much work it takes to make one good.

My Dh and myself try very hard to have "our" time. We also go on several vacations without our kids each year. This does not prevent a marriage from going stale but it can help. Every marriage goes through rocking times. I can honestly say there have been times I truly do not like my husband but I love him even during those times. There are times when I do not feel like I love him any too and that makes me take stock and work on my marriage a little harder. Then there are times I am so in love with him it hurts.

Good luck and I pray it works out for you.

Another great author is Gary Chapman he Five Love Languages.

Note you do not have to be a religious person to read these books. You can buy them real cheap on ebay too.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have to say Dr Laura's book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, is perfect for you. You will be able to correct things right away. She makes it simple and plain old common sense.
I recommend you get it now and read it and put it into practice right away. It will scare you but it is worth reading.

 

[notastranger]

Well, I just wanted to give a little update. I went out yesterday I got the book by Dr. Laura, and it was me to a T. DH also came home yesterday, and I apologized for everything that I have done, including not making him feel like the man that he is. Unfortunately that didn't work either.

He said he just feels like he needs to be alone...I can't fathom how someone wakes up and just decides they do not want to be married anymore or be a full time dad. It is totally crazy, and boggles my mind, and anytime I ask him something he says "I don't know" UGH...it is so frustrating.

So now how do I start over, how do I live without the man that has been my other half for 9 years, how do I answer the questions that the kids ask, how do I let go????????????

He said he is going to stay for a couple weeks so we can get caught up on bills, then I can afford to stay in the house with the kids, and he says maybe something will change in that couple of weeks, but he says he is sorry he can't help the way he feels(about needing to be on his own) I am at a lose for words, and any advice or thoughts from people that have gone through something like this would be greatly appriciated.

PS he says it has nothing to do with the other girl. SHe hasn't talked to him since she found out he was married, and she even changed her number.

 

[Christine]

OP,

So sorry to read your latest update.

First, let me say that it is wonderful that *you* have woken up and realized your part in this and are ready to fix it. For your husband, that is not the case. Really, people do NOT wake up one day and decide that they want to be alone or they want out.

My guess is that these feelings have been brewing for awhile in him--he may not have even been aware of it. They are not going to change back overnight.

Your attitude towards him probably gradually eroded/chipped away some of the feelings that he needs to have for you. An apology and nice behavior for a few days are just not going to cut it.

The issues/problems that you have personally (with your weight and self-esteem) are also not going to immediately vanish. He probably knows this. You've had a wake-up call and you are motivated today. But what about 3 months from now? Just trying to figure what is going on in his head.

You may have very well pushed him too far. While he still loves the person that you are deep inside, he is wary of you now.

A step back from you and your life may be just what he needs. Although, I personally think he needs to go to a counselor on his own, I know this is not always an option for people.

 

[NMAmy]

to you, OP. I have been in your shoes and I know how very devestating this is. I'm so sorry.

You asked for advice from people that have been there--every case is different but here is what I learned from the experience. You are strong--it's probably the most difficult thing you'll ever go through but you CAN handle this--if only for the sake of your children. Find someone to take the kids for an afternoon so you can vent and cry on your own.

My turning point came from, of all things, a Dr. Phil show. I heard him say, "You can't change someone else's behavior; you can only change your reaction to it." It was like someone knocked me upside of the head. All my begging and pleading with my ex were not going to change his mind and undermined my own self-esteem. Once I realized that I had to be proactive instead of reactive, it was very empowering.

Look into getting couseling both for you and for your children. Be sure to take care of yourself. Again, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

 

[notastranger]

bumping to the first page

 

[phillybeth]

Counseling. If he won't go with you, go by yourself. But let him know that most judges require marriage counseling before proceeding with a divorce decree, especially where children are involved. IMO it's better to do it independantly than be court-ordered.
I don't know where you are located, but there are non-profit counseling groups that provide low- or no-cost counseling. If you are in the Philly tri-state area, drop me a PM for some resources around here. Good luck!

 

[TigerBear]

I will echo Phillybeth's advice. I have been in your shoes and the one thing I wish I would have done differently is sought counseling by myself as he was not willing to go with me. (((Hugs))) to you.

 

[pearlieq]

Not to be the cynic here, but he seems fairly serious about leaving. Just to be safe, you should probably start looking around for a lawyer and make sure you know what your rights are in terms of child support and spousal support.

I know this is painful for you and ideally you two would work it out, but you need to make sure that you protect yourself and advocate for your child. Men aren't allowed to just change their minds and walk away from their kids, absolving themselves of all responsibility. No matter what happened between you, he has the duty to help support your child.

Best of luck to you.

 

[cyndibelle]

DONT GIVE UP!! You guys need to go out...ALONE.. You need to reconnect again...Hubby and i have recently gone thru something like this but it was me who was getting the attention from someone else..it was a good friend and it could have definitely gone to the next level but we didnt allow it..hubby and i have been married for 9 years and it is soo true you can totally just turn into two people living in the same house and let your relationship just get into a funk.....soooo wear something sexy..if you dont have anything sexy buy it..news flash after kids our bodies change and you may never be 119 again..but good for you for losing the weight you have ...women are sexy of every height weight color etc....you need to carry yourself and feel good...that will show on the outside and your man will find it sexy....Go out to dinner..hold hands..talk about you guys..not the kids..if you have time go for a walk afterwards..just spend time together...Hugs to you..and good luck!!!

 

[lowie]

IApparently he went out with her on Friday and he told her he was married and she said she didn't want anything to do with him. They haven't spoke since. I called her and her number has been changed. Now this is where I am now...

first of, YA for the other girl for turning him down flat.. there are women out there who have morals and do not want to rip families apart. unfortunately i work with 2 women who are dating married men, and being married it just makes me sick.
I think if you truly think the marriage can be saved and you can forgive completely you should consider seeing a therapist.
best of luck to you

 

[Bbgrizzle]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I have not gone through this since I have been married (for 10 years), but before that I was engaged to a different guy after a 4-year relationship. 11 days before the wedding, after the invitations were sent out, wedding dress and bridesmaid/flower girls dresses purchased, deposits put down for everything, he called off the wedding. He had started seeing someone else.

I know I should be grateful that he called off the wedding instead of going ahead with it and cheating on me later. And now in hindsight, I am EXTREMELY glad that happened. But at the time, I was devastated. We were living together, we had bought a car together, had a shared bank account, etc. I was scared and didn't know what to do. I was terrified of being alone and starting all over again. Here is a big mistake I made: I was pathetic, and I kept trying to get him back. I was clingy and insecure. I remembered only the good times and put him up on a pedestal as the perfect man, there would never be anyone else for me. I forgot about my own needs and just focused on him. We went through about 6 months of getting together and breaking up until I finally broke up with him for good.

Here is the thing I would advise you on: Whatever you do, don't lose your self-respect. Don't be too desperate, don't kiss his butt and do whatever he wants you to. He will not respect you for it. Desperation is not attractive. Let him know how important he is to you and that you want to get back together. And of course do nice little things for him. But go on about your life. Go out with friends, have fun with your kids, get hobby. Go to the gym, and continue to try and lose weight--for you. If he doesn't end up wanting to stay with you, you won't have wasted all your valuable time and attention trying in vain to get him back. And please, make a conscious effort not to put your kids aside in all this. They should be your main focus--not him.

I wish you the best of luck!

 

[chris1gill]

I think at this point going forward you really need to work on YOU... hopefully as you work on you, DH will recognize that you are moving forward with the issues you have and perhaps that will inspire him to work on the issues he has... I'm sorry it's not going better right now, but take one day at a time.... I hope you both find your path back to one another, but if not you will be a better person for moving yourself forward....

 

[notastranger]

OMG the more I think about this, the more devastation I feel. I cannot believe that this is happening to me. I feel like I don't know how to let him go. The thought of my daughters faces when he leaves makes my physically ill. I don't know what to do...I feel like everything I knew is not. I feel like I am letting my girls down. I grew up without a father in the home, and now they are going to have to, and that hurts so bad. So much stuff has happened in my life, and I really do not know if I can handle this. I mean I know that I have to get through it for the girls, but I just do not know how.

I do not want to live my life without him. He is my everything and I am so mad at myself for not making him feel that way. The thing I don't understand is that he doesn't even want to try and work it out. I asked him to go away with me for one night and he wouldn't give me an answer.

Another thing that bothers me, is he is SOOOOOOO close to DD5 it is pathetic. I mean she bolts out the door when she sees daddy coming up the driveway, and the thought of him not kissing her in the morning like he does, or tucking her in at night like he always does, or not sitting on the couch with her watching spongebob breaks my heart. She is going to be so devestated. My DD10(his step-dd) has already cried for 3 straight days. She doesn't understand why he is doing this, and they both ask me questions that I cannot answer, because I don't know the answer to.

I am not sure if I said this before, but he is 33 and I am 28. Some of my friends say maybe he is going through a mid-life crisis, but isn't he too young for that???

I feel like he is a stranger right now. My DH is the most compassionate person who would bend of backwards for someone, and he hates to see people hurt, this is why I just cannot understand what is going on.

UGH!!!! Please pray for us. I do not know what I am going to do if he really does decide to leave.

 

[phillybeth]

Take this weekend, cry for yourself and your girls, feel bad and miserable, moan and complain, wear your pj's all day, eat ice cream in bed. You will feel much much better once you allow yourself to grieve

Monday morning, sit down and make a plan. Actually, make two. One for if your DH agrees to counseling/continuing your relationship; one in the event he doesn't. Having a plan of action takes most of the uncertainty out of it. You will feel much much better once you have a plan, even if the plan changes later.

 

[MosMom]

I had a neighbor that went through this. Her husband was around 30 and on Saturday was telling her he loved her and wanted another baby. On Thursday, he left her. He was SO cold to her like he just completely turned off his love for her in a matter of days. It was the most bizarre thing I had ever seen. They were apart for about 6 months then one day he came home like nothing ever happened.

He was either having an affair or he just snapped and needed time to be "young" again. He was living the college life again when they were apart. It was weird.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think at this point going forward you really need to work on YOU... hopefully as you work on you, DH will recognize that you are moving forward with the issues you have and perhaps that will inspire him to work on the issues he has... I'm sorry it's not going better right now, but take one day at a time.... I hope you both find your path back to one another, but if not you will be a better person for moving yourself forward....

First, I am so sorry that this is happening to you and to your family. I know exactly how you feel. DH and I really grew apart for a period of time, and were on the verge of divorce. There was no one else, but we really had nothing in common anymore.

Well, we went to a councelor, and I thought that he was going to say, "You have got to move on, girl." but he felt that before we could make a marriage work, we needed to work on ourselves. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself. DH said the same thing. It was hard and very painful, because a good councelor helps you to face yourself, and to make changes to improve yourself. Once we were healthier emotionally, we entered marriage counceling, and we are a much stronger couple. We had been committed to staying together for all of the wrong reasons, and that created resentment. Now we are together and committed to each other for all of the right reasons.

If we had not been able to stay married, the councelling would have been the best thing for me and for him anyway, because both of us would have been able to make good lives not simply exist withour our partner.

Whatever happens, take care of yourself, and get the emotional support from someone you trust who will not fuel any fires that get out of control.

 

[sajetto]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I have not gone through this since I have been married (for 10 years), but before that I was engaged to a different guy after a 4-year relationship. 11 days before the wedding, after the invitations were sent out, wedding dress and bridesmaid/flower girls dresses purchased, deposits put down for everything, he called off the wedding. He had started seeing someone else.

I know I should be grateful that he called off the wedding instead of going ahead with it and cheating on me later. And now in hindsight, I am EXTREMELY glad that happened. But at the time, I was devastated. We were living together, we had bought a car together, had a shared bank account, etc. I was scared and didn't know what to do. I was terrified of being alone and starting all over again. Here is a big mistake I made: I was pathetic, and I kept trying to get him back. I was clingy and insecure. I remembered only the good times and put him up on a pedestal as the perfect man, there would never be anyone else for me. I forgot about my own needs and just focused on him. We went through about 6 months of getting together and breaking up until I finally broke up with him for good.

Here is the thing I would advise you on: Whatever you do, don't lose your self-respect. Don't be too desperate, don't kiss his butt and do whatever he wants you to. He will not respect you for it. Desperation is not attractive. Let him know how important he is to you and that you want to get back together. And of course do nice little things for him. But go on about your life. Go out with friends, have fun with your kids, get hobby. Go to the gym, and continue to try and lose weight--for you. If he doesn't end up wanting to stay with you, you won't have wasted all your valuable time and attention trying in vain to get him back. And please, make a conscious effort not to put your kids aside in all this. They should be your main focus--not him.

I wish you the best of luck!

Holy Cow are we twins! I can't tell you how much this mimics my story. The only difference is that I haven't been married yet, but I am engaged again. The first guy I was going to marry dropped me out of nowhere. No problems or anything, he just decided that it wasn't the plan he wanted in life. You are right, desperation is NOT attractive...I sure learned that and I won't pine away for any man again.