How to motivate a new high school graduat

[Chris2597]

My DS graduated from high school this summer and is working part time....He is prompt, getting good comments and seems to enjoy his work...He has not shown any indication that he is interested in registering for community college. We pay for everything.....except his cell phone....My dh told him he would have to get a full time job and pay all of his own bills if he wasnt planning on going to school....and that he could live with us for now but would be expected to be a more productive member of the household as far as maintaining the house....
Well....that little talk seems to have fallen on deaf ears...How did some of you seasoned parents handle this dilemna?
Also, How did you handle curfews and expectation for an adult child living at home....

 

[mamajoan]

ok.. this was the deal in our home

DS graduated.... told him we would pay for college/life completely or he could get a job.. full time with plans to go get apt within a 9-12 months. No help from us with bills (2 months to get started in order to have money saved to pay the big bills like car insurance) but he had to show us he was saving money in order to move out on his own. No curfew but there was to be respect and courtesy shown so please call if he was going to be out later than 12pm.

He chose community college... but did not do well.. he then worked for 6 months, then signed up with the ARMY. It was a good choice for him. He did 4 years and a couple of weeks ago was discharged. He is now attending Fire Academy. It is being paid for by his GI Bill which he participated with while enlisted.

When he looks back on it, he wishes he would have taken seriously his first stab at college. He is happy with the way thing turned out, he is working hard at the Fire Academy. He now knows it is what he wants to do. He was at a loss when he came out of H.S. and believe me we did everything while he was in HS to try to prepare him for the real world.. He just had to go his own way. all kids do

Our next son will graduate in 2005. He is doing his college applications already... different kid... different ideas..same parents

Best wishes for your sons bright future!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How to motivate? I would say to stop paying for things.

I would sit down with him and go over what both of you expect (yes, again). Tell him he needs to come up with $$$ to give to you each month. You expect him to be working 40hrs a week or he needs to make a specific $$$ amount. Put up a balance sheet of expenses to show him. That way you are fair and balanced.

As far as the curfew thing I would think that will depend on how much he is holding up his end of the bargain, maybe??? I don't know how to handle that. That is a tough one. Depends on the kid and the situation perhaps?

Good Luck and above all be a united front with your dh! (Secretly save all money you charge him for "rent" & perhaps it could help him toward a deposit on an apartment when the time comes.)

 

[poohandwendy]

Also, How did you handle curfews and expectation for an adult child living at home

I think you have to treat them as an adult and sit down and have another discussion about your expectations, his plans and how he is going to contribute. (and keep doing it on a regular basis and stick to whatever rules you set up)

You say that you are paying for everything (except the cel phone). To be honest, that is not a productive incentive for him to move forward. He has it too easy, IMO. Most people are driven by wanting MORE than they have. If he has all he thinks he needs, where is the motivation to do anything different? Some kids naturally want to spread their wings and work towards independence. Some need to be pushed. Sounds like your son needs pushed (motivated) a little bit.

ITA with mamajoan on this......I would make it more appealing to become independent. That would mean making his life at home cost more. I would start charging rent, utility bills, food expenses until he takes action.

I hate to suggest ultimatums, but sounds like that may be necessary. I would say something like "You have 2 choices, enroll full time in CC (or any other further education) or get a full time job and start paying X amount of living expenses with the condition that you will look into finding an apt in X amount of time"

I also wish him a great future, I am sure he will find his way with your support.

 

[Blueeyes101817]

my brother just graduated this year, and my parents told him either go to CC or get a full time job and pay to live here....hes now enrolled in our comm. college and starts in a month...

as for curfew--im giong to be 20 in a couple of months and am living home and commuting to a local university--I let my parents know where i am going, and when i expect to be home..if im later than that , i give them a call just to be corteous....but i dont have an actual time..my mom said if i was living at school, i could go out whenever, so i can basically do that at home

 

[aprilgail2]

I would give him a certain amount of time to either make a decision to go to school or to get a full time job and then stop paying all his bills.
As far as a curfew...I don't believe anyone over 18 should have a curfew...at that point you are old enough to fight in a war you should be old enough to decide when you want to come home.

 

[shortbun]

How have you parented thus far? If he's accustomed to having
everything done for him, it will be hard for him to change.

I would have the talk, lay it out on paper and set a deadline.
Then, if you have to, find him an apartment and send him on
his way. I think, depending on your family's style, this deadline
could be a few months or a year away with him saving $$.

What were his grades like in HighSchool? Does he have trouble
organizing his time? What kind of job does he have and ARE
there better jobs in your community? Some places are just really
short on jobs right now except fast food.

Is he not doing his share of household jobs by now? Gosh, by
the time I was in high school, I could run our household -except
the finances. If nothing else, make him the housekeeper.
Get him out of bed and tell him to do it.
Go out to dinner without him and don't buy the usual groceries,
Don't give him $$ for anything-gas,food,fun. Have your cable
disconnected for a while. Don't do his laundry. These things
may be painfull for you but if that's what it takes....

I'm gonna give my 9yo more responsibility this morning!!!
Thanks and good luck.

 

[jipsy]

My dh told him he would have to get a full time job and pay all of his own bills if he wasnt planning on going to school....and that he could live with us for now but would be expected to be a more productive member of the household as far as maintaining the house....
Well....that little talk seems to have fallen on deaf ears...How did some of you seasoned parents handle this dilemna?
Also, How did you handle curfews and expectation for an adult child living at home....

You should follow through on what you told him you expected of him. Tell him exactly how much he owes you for maintaining things and when he owes it to you and what the consequences will be if he doesn't pay it. And follow through on that.

As far as curfews - I don't know. I lived with my parents for two months after high school and then I moved to my own apartment. My BF's son stays with us in the summer; he's almost 19. We really don't set curfews here, because it wouldn't make sense. He's on his own when he is at college. We basically tell him if he chooses to stay out late, and it makes him feel bad at work the next day, that's too bad for him. He gets up at 5:30 am and hangs drywall every day. At first during the summer he was saying out late alot, but the more physical labor he did every day, the less he stayed out. He's learned his own curfew.

 

[heart4pooh]

You could do what my parents did. Make life so miserable they can't wait to leave!!! J/K They did, but I'm not suggesting that. My son has another year and I'm worried about that too. My husband has told me he doesn't see why my son would want to leave... I guess I have to start planning what I'm gonna do, too.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

First, let me say that I had a curfew in college IF I had the car, which was owned by my parents. I thought that was fair. I never came in later than 2 anyhow, but I was already dating DH and pretty settled in my ways.
Our friends' daughter is 20. She has gone to college on and off for 2 years and has about 12 usable credits. She started at a local university in a special program for "at risk" students because of her low GPA, then after a semester hadn't met the requirments and had to switch to CC. She flunked English tiwce, then got a D (which wouldn't count when she transferred back to the University) and then this summer was flunking so she dropped the course.
She has finally seen the light that higher learning is not going to be her strong point. Her parents have finally seen the light and charge her $200 a month for rent and starting in the fall she has to start paying back the college loans. She is working 40 hours a week at a music store.
I would have been charging her rent since the winter when she took spring semester off.
Robin M.

 

[canwegosoon]

Two Words "Rental Agreement" He can work, and wait to figure out everything, not a bad idea. The three of you should sit down, write a contract, and have deadlines...FT job by ..., will be responsible for..., rent will be $$$, etc. Then as an incentive you could say...we will put 1/2 of your rent into a seperat college account...you can use this money when you're ready to go, but if you fail to meet the conditions of this agreement there will be financial concequences. I hope this gives you some ideas.

 

[ilovepcot]

Chris2597, DH and I were wearing your same shoes years back. DH's son came to live with us his senior year. He was a superior student but had no motivation as far as selecting a college or looking into a full time job after graduation. He had NO IDEA what he wanted to do with his life. We knew he was definitely college material.....just seemed he wasn't ready to "go for it". DH urged him to go into the military to learn discipline, responsibility and perhaps useful skills. We both figured it would expose him to positive things and he would have time to decide what to do with his life. It worked.....worked well!!! He holds a PhD. in physics and does research for a major university. We're very proud of him. I think the military can do wonderful things for young people who don't have a definite goal in mind. And, according to my step-son, you can make lifelong friends, earn a decent living and have the time of your life seeing the world.

 

[mamajoan]

Shortbun... right on the button!

 

[ripleysmom]

My parents had the rule work or school. I worked for a year and then went back to school (which they did not pay for BTW).

My brother did neither. They finally threw him out of the house. He slept in his car in front of the house for a few weeks but eventually moved to NC where he got a job, found a woman and raised a family.

It's up to you guys to draw the line and then enforce it. Especially don't be afraid to enforce it. If you raise your child right they will come around.

 

[robinb]

Originally posted by ilovepcot
I think the military can do wonderful things for young people who don't have a definite goal in mind. And, according to my step-son, you can make lifelong friends, earn a decent living and have the time of your life seeing the world.

Or, come home in a body bag ... whichever comes first. Joining the military worked well for your step-son for all the reasons you mentioned 10 years ago. Today is a completely different world and being in the military is far more dangerous. While I support the young men and women who choose to make that sacrifice, I would never suggest that a young person face the dangers of our current war because they do not have a goal at 18 years od age.

 

[Chris2597]

Thank you for the responses.....I think we definetly need to have some firm agreements with him....He will surely kick and scream all of the way.....
The military is not an option for my son....He suffers from migraine headaches and we have been told that will eliminate him....With the current world climate it would not be my first choice for him....if it was open to him....
We are in an interesting situation right now....We sold our home 6 months ago to build a home, moved in with my mother during construction and just closed on the house a few weeks ago....Our married dd age 26 gave birth in another state....so we headed up north to help her for a couple of weeks....ds is still with my mom and will move into the house when we get home (we didnt give him a key .....I didnt want my new home to be party central)....We have given him some house rules to live by when we move....so next week should be interesting....